At some point in the remote future we will have the ability to travel to Kolob in a privately charted spacecraft.

In exchange for a $100,000.00 non-refundable deposit, on a first come first serve basis, you will be entitled to one round trip ticket. This includes all meals and non-alcoholic beverages. Although alcohol would be helpful for such a long flight, we intend to follow the Word of Wisdom strictly. But, any and all prescribed medications are specifically encouraged, especially antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Any other prescribed narcotics must be individually approved for the comfort and safety of all future Kolobians.

However, once the inaugural trip begins, we make no guarantee as to how soon the technology will develop to make the return flight home. But again, the return tickets will be given out in the order they were originally purchased.

The actual ticket full purchase price has not been determined as of yet, due to the short supply and fluctuating prices of kryptonite and other necessary space materials.

For those who plan on staying in Kolob, you will have the opportunity to purchase fee simple lots, based upon the same order in which your tickets were purchased, but your return ticket is non-refundable. At this time, pricing and lot prices have not been determined. However, if there is water on Kolob, we anticipate lots adjacent to lakes and oceans to have a
significant premium.

The Kolobian planet has two main continents, which we will call Light and Dark. Light is where we will land and begin development. Dark is where all trash and harmful substances will be discarded. It will also be the place where non law abiding citizens will be removed to.

This one time offer is only available to temple recommend holding couples who pledge to multiply and replenish Kolob. The future of Kolob depends on it.

There are several advantages to living on Kolob. They include living with only the most righteous members of our faith, we expect little to no pollution, and the physical proximity to the Throne of God.

Lastly, I am sure you have countless additional questions but all of your future questions and answers are needed to be taken on faith. You cannot expect answers to these questions because no one has been there, but always remember that when you pry you must always doubt your doubts.

Please contact me directly for deposit information. We take U.S. Currency and any and all notes from the Kirkland Safety Society.

This is a really really good deal.

There is only room for 100 passengers due to all the equipment and supplies we are carrying.

This introductory offer will not last long and prices are subject to increase at any time.

OOH!
Sign me up!

Not!

(btw, do you take bitcoin? :)

You two! There's no way I'm going to Kolob now--there will be too many wankers there! :) Besides, Heavenly Father lives NEAR Kolob, not ON Kolob.

Okay, what was I thinking--

Dear Brothers and Sisters of the Boner City First Ward,

A close friend has recently approached me with a remarkable investment plan. Because this plan has the potential to return a massive yield on investment, we need to keep this opportunity limited to a pre-determined set of temple-recommend holders only.

You have been chosen to witness the windows of heaven opening with this remarkable opportunity. Should you proceed with full investment, you solemnly promise and covenant not to reveal details of this investment plan to the SEC, IRS, or other Governmental agencies. Failure to do so will result in your life being taken. That will do.

Sincerely,
Brother A. "Stiff" Boner
Boner City, Utah Stake High Council



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/23/2017 07:23PM by BYU Boner.

We have one opening on our Board of Directors for a non-Mormon of outstanding character that is a true Christian.

With your permission I would like to nominate you for this prestigious appointment.

There is financial remuneration associated with this appointment but the notes and stock come from the Kirkland Safety Society.

rebeljamesdean Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> a true Christian.

Fuck! Thanks a lot, Pal! Now I have to pass. Where's Ziller?

Kolob is perfect, it is close to his throne, when you want to hang out, but far enough away that he wouldn't be looking over your shoulder.

Unfortunately, you haven't read the fine print in the original Post. This offer is strictly limited to married temple recommend holders.

We have declined previous offers for bitcoin. If the policy changes you will be notified. :)

For those of you who missed the Bitcoin gravy train, I am pleased to announce that there are still plenty of Caffiend's Honest Carbon Credits available to invest in. Save the planet, make money, and get lots of good feelings and respect from the most proper folk! Contact:

Honest Caffiend Carbon Credits
Major-General Delivery
East North Central Massachusetts Postal Faculty
South Lower Bilgewater, Massachusetts 01999-999 44/100% Pure

Send cashier checks (No Nigerian, Romanian, or Ukrainian banks, please!), Postal Money Orders, gold specie, or Federal Reserve Note. Along with your Caffiend Honest Carbon Credits, you will get an Eco-Dispensation sufficiently indulgent to drive a Hummer and pull a 45-foot cigarette boat!

caffiend Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> For those of you who missed the Bitcoin gravy
> train, I am pleased to announce that there are
> still plenty of Caffiend's Honest Carbon Credits
> available to invest in. Save the planet, make
> money, and get lots of good feelings and respect
> from the most proper folk! Contact:


I wear waterless jeans and don't wash them. Do I qualify for a Caffiend carbon credit? An Inconvenient Boner.

BYU Boner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I wear waterless jeans and don't wash them.

...but they do get frequently agitated.
Wink-nudge.

:)

HA!!!!! :)

I don't know if Killer has the same outstanding character as the Bone, but he could certainly apply to be on the Board.

Don't any RFMers have any money onburn?

We have no actual renderings at this time, but if you have sufficient faith, you will see a rendering prior to your time of embarkment.

RJD, I'm forwarding your proposal to Jeff Bezos for him to consider with his Space-X project. He has the money, the resources, and the interest in this sort of project. Now, gullibility? You might have a problem there.

Caffiend - I was planning on working with Elon Musk, but I will likely send out an RFP.

We are working on the IPO now.

Mormons are known as being vulnerable to affinity fraud. But ex-mos? "If a person is a former Mormon, he must excel in critical thinking, so I'm sure I can trust him with my hard-earned investment money!!"

As a never-mo, I hope I'm not disqualified from squandering my retirement savings in this sure-(rocket)-fire enterprise.

HAHA When I saw this, I thought it was for land down by Kolob near Zion, you know, not far from St. George/Cedar City.

Isn't that where Kolob REALLY is?

Could this be some kind of scam?

I actually DO have some land for sale near Kolob and will make any of you guys a real deal if you mention this forum. Or even if you don't. I'll even throw in a pound or two of Original Sin Coffee.

This is the real Kolob, located near the throne of God. Land prices are expected to be quite high, but this is the most prime real estate in the universe.

Well, if you go down to Zion NP, they'll tell you that's the REAL Zion and the REAL Kolob.

Does the Book of Moedom say there could be two of each? Can we be assured that we'll get rights to the celestial one and not the earthly one? In writing?

Absolutely - all contracts will be signed in golden ink, with a special seal stating that this is the real Kolob.

rebeljamesdean Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> all contracts will be signed in golden ink

I sure hope you didn't visit Moscow!

We have taken deposits now for the first 25 flights.

Please don't miss out on this one time opportunity.

You should offer free passage to the GAs and 70s. Send the "B" ark off first.

We need people who are young enough to multiply and replenish Kolob.

Heavenly Father is an absentee landlord for the people of the planet Earth. Like certain selected absentee landlords, he cares little for his tenants. He just wants to be paid on time.

Otherwise you get evicted, kind of like with Noah's flood.