I have gotten myself into a tight spot with my family over the past year. I will confess that I had an affair about a year ago and immediately confessed to my wife and to my bishop. I had the "counsel of Love" and was disfellowshiped. About 3 months into it I was called in for a regular meeting with my bishop and I had been doing everything that he had instructed me to do. Well, apparently he didn't think so. He spent the next 30 minutes berating me and telling me that I am going to lose my family and that I am not really trying. I had spent the last 3 months doing everything they had asked. I was once even called on to say a prayer in Sunday school and since I wasn't allowed I declined in front of everyone. So embarrassing. But this is what the lord wanted right?? Once he was done, I did the dumbest thing ever... I actually followed his counsel. I spent the next 3 months doing even more. I never even so dared to turn on the tv for my own pleasure. Towards the end of the 3 months during my studying of the BOM I started seeing how ridiculous the BOM really is. They would kill thousands, then years later there were thousands ready to die again. It just wasn't adding up, so many different aspects were just plain off. I started not caring about impressing my bishop, wife or anyone at church with how much I was studying and finally just stopped reading and studying the scriptures. Apparently that is what my bishop wanted to see. Not really sure because he then called me in for an update to the counsel and they ended my disfellowship. Hahaha what a joke. I totally BS'ed my way through that and afterwards it was confirmed. The whole system is a joke. That is when I decided to start really researching the church. My eyes have been opened to all the lies and deceit. I have had some discussions with my wife, and even shared what I have found but she is so die hard TBM that none of that matters. She told me she could care less about JS having tons of wives, or the book of Abraham, or any of it. I haven't gone over everything, only a few things so I stopped trying to tell her anything. She is in shock of my confession to not believing any longer. I will be patient and see how it goes. Both of our families are multi generation members so it will be hard if they find out.

Welcome to the truth.

sorry your journey looks like it is going to be a challenge.

I'm very sorry you had to go through this! The church has absolutely no business inserting itself into a marriage. The only thing that mattered was that you and your wife were committed to healing the hurt in your marriage and moving forward. It's possible that the church leaders did greater harm, than good, in shaming you in the eyes of your wife.

It's going to be rough plowing ahead. If you believed in the church and its leaders, you and your wife would have confirmation that your "repentance" was complete. But, it sounds like she is still TBM, and you realize what a sham the church is.

I'd recommend a couple of things. First, don't come out to her yet about your disbelief--I think this would only cause more hurt. If you can, I'd move out of the neighborhood you're in. Yes, it's a big step, but you'll be forever labeled by the church leaders, and it sounds like your current bishop is a jerk. Lastly, I'd seek professional marriage counseling with a non-Mormon therapist. S/he can help you and your wife talk about core values, beliefs, non-beliefs.

Please feel free to post here. Most of us understand fully. Very best wishes, The Boner.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 08:58PM by BYU Boner.

I have seen this scenario played out over and over and over. Everything seems to be going along well an then... "Life happens".

I admit, I have been on the side sometimes shaking my head at myself and others, but with enough practice, I come to realize that, each one of us take the long way around to come to the understandings. The church is a load of crapola.

I am not saying I condone some situations but I do see that in the end, it was probably necessary in my life (or lives others) in order for expansion, understanding and growth to happen.

Some situations are more difficult, embarrassing and painful than others but hopefully, each time they come around, we commit to doing things differently so we don't have repeats. Hopefully, when we come out of it we find compassion and forgiveness, starting with ourselves.

In the last two days there are two TBM men (different families) who have been caught in 'indiscretions'. Devastating for their TBM families and themselves. The finger pointing and shaming seems to be everywhere. Interestingly, I find myself wanting to put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, "Hang in there, you are still a valuable and worthy of love".

What it takes to shake some of us loose from the facade of the church and open our eyes, often seems like the end of the world. Let he who has not been down that path, cast the first stone.

.

It looks like confession ruined your life. No good deed goes unpunished.

Welcome to the rabbit hole. It goes waaaaay down.

Oh the good old days when you thought the bishop had control of your passage to wherever and had to control all aspects of your life. I didn't even believe counsels of love really happened for such a long time it was too crazy that they would even try to control you and your life to that degree but they do glad they never pulled that on me. But the longer you are away the healthier you become but I won't lie it is rough at first but then eventually you wont see any of them as authority figures of any kind.

Anyone of normal intelligence and minimal education, who reads it with an open mind, will easily see that it's a sorry collection of absurdities, anachronisms and plagiarism.

Best of luck to you!

If you share your unbelief, now they'll attribute it to your sinning ways.

It was a huge factor in my finally leaving. Once I had dealt with them, I refused to ever go back to them. They showed how clueless? Clueless isn't a good enough word. They interfere in lives that they have no right to be involved in. They are also voyeurs.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/26/2017 12:49PM by cl2.

voyeurs, gossipers, judgemental, proud, arrogant, and don't think for one second they have an ounce of love in their hearts.

They do not have your best interests in mind. If they did, they wouldn't dream of getting into your marriage and family business in order to humiliate you. They are the worst people possible to go to with any kind of problem. The one exception might be if your bishop is a Dentist and you need some dental work.

Myself, I wouldn't go to a mormon dentist.

So sorry for the hard times you're going through, and the blow you've been dealt by those in authority over your life ie, church officials.

The nice thing to realize as you're finding out, for you it is optional and voluntary. They don't own you.

The church sets people up to fail. No one can be as perfect as they profess to be. At some point in time, the shelf will break, as it has with you because of an infraction.

Your personal, private life is no one's business but yours, your wife's, and those you wish to share it with. The church has no business meddling in your personal "affairs." Period.

That you had an affair is because of human frailty, not because you are a bad person, or need to be shamed or punished. The church actually promotes people to fail because of the unrealistic pedestals they set us up on.

Be gentle with yourself. Love and forgive yourself. Cut off the bishop and the Kangaroo Court at the pass. You may need to officially resign to keep them from harassing you.

As for saving your marriage, that will be up to you and your wife. If her eyes and ears are shut closed because she can't see what you do regarding church BS, you're both on a different learning curve. It may take her years to get where you are now.

Hopefully your marriage can be saved. But realize it isn't the end of the world if it doesn't. Right now you and her *are* unequally yoked. Ignorance is bliss and knowledge is power. To a faithful believing TBM, they see us only as apostates. But we know better.

Best wishes for what's ahead. You're going to really need to practice some good old fashioned faith right now. And trust yourself. Don't give the SOB's at the morg what they want, and that's for you to come crawling back on your hands and knees.

Kick those bastards to the curb. Save yourself and your family.

"...she is so die hard TBM that none of that matters."

One of the core problems with LDS, Inc. and any other cult: they are built on the sham of con artists, but the members are so invested that *they* have built their life around the cult; even when the scam is laid out plainly before them they're too invested in it.

Without reaching too far, I wonder if the affair was in part due to your wife being less married to you, and more married to TSCC.

I once shared part of the CES letter to my spouse. We spoke briefly about how JS really translated the BOM. And it wasn't with any plates. We spoke about the mistakes in the BOM and how they came directly from the KJV Bible. Even went through some of the church essays.

Doesn't matter. It's true even if their world is filled with Unicorns.

But someday they will wake the hell up.

We did :D