Many of the regulars on this board already know my husband's ex wife is LDS and very toxic. She is a master at manipulating people through triangulation (filtering information between two parties) and outright lying.

This week, I've made a determination that my husband's stepmother, who is Catholic and was always kind of close to the ex (even though Ex regularly criticized her for her Catholic beliefs), is just as toxic as my husband's ex wife is. She does a lot of the same things. Here's what happened.

My husband was out of town for some work related training. While he was gone, his stepmother sent him a very lengthy private message on Facebook that was full of guilt and accusations. She accused my husband, who is a very good and loving man, of being angry with her and my father in law. She reminded my husband that his dad is getting older and will soon die. She accused me of preventing my husband from seeing or talking to his dad (definitely NOT true) and then, the kicker... She claimed that my husband's father said that when he dies, he doesn't want her to let my husband know about it.

I suspected this stuff was mostly made up. Last night, my husband called his dad and reluctantly asked him if he'd said he didn't want stepmom to tell him when his dad died. My father in law was shocked and said, "No, I never said that. I might have said I was missing you, but of course I want you to know when I die. Your sister will tell you."

I am now really pissed off at my husband's stepmom for stirring up this stuff, especially right now. My husband's stressed out because his company lost its contract and he may soon be out of a job. We are thousands of miles away from the USA (which is a blessing), but my husband's stepmom expects him to do all of the communicating. She expects him to visit and call and send emails, but when he does, she lays a lot of guilt trips on him and outright lies about things.

I'm not looking for advice. I'm just venting. I can't stand manipulative people who lie to get their way. I could just choke my husband's stepmother for pulling this crap. It makes me really glad I never had to be around my husband's ex wife and his stepmother at the same time. Talk about a toxic brew!

My non-LDS mother used to do that. It took me years of confronting her and training her to treat people with respect. On one level it's a personality disorder. On another level they have little self esteem.

Suggestions: When the next episode begins, engage the person in self reflection and ask questions. Use patience and compassion. Invite the person to get Dialectical Cognitive Therapy. It's very good.

Begin questions with Are you aware....? That may help to open the window of insight and accountability and help the person start the climb out of the emotional prison she's been in. Healing a broken soul takes years.

Getting professional help for the person via counseling and training in Dialectial Cognitive Therapy are needed. It takes a village to raise a child, and she's showing her childishness through her pain.

I doubt very much knothead is the one who will bring her stepmother to getting cognitive therapy.

Usually elderly people are set in their ways. Certainly their personalities are. She most likely isn't going to change at this point.

Still good suggestions if only ....

Yeah, I try hard not to talk to my husband's stepmother (she's his stepmom, not mine). She claims I don't like her and she's right. And the reason I don't like her is because she pulls this stuff all the time. I haven't spoken directly to her since 2010, when we visited my husband's dad and stepmom in their home together.

Besides that, she doesn't like me, either. I think, in her mind, I'm the reason why my husband and his ex are no longer married. I had absolutely nothing to do with their divorce, but I think she thinks he would have gone back to the ex if I weren't around. My husband and Ex used to live fairly close to the in-laws and visited somewhat often. Then they split up and my husband got back into the Army, from which he is now retired. I think she blames me for the changes and the fact that we're nothing alike.

He told me to decide what I could do for my parents and then do that. My mother did have temper tantrums in the last many years of her life. He told me not to respond and that they would die down. They did. It wouldn't matter how many things your husband does for his father, with his stepmother, it will never be enough, so your husband just needs to decide what he can do and then only do that.

I completely agree on the toxic lying. We just had an incident in our family where my sister is guardian of our disabled brother. She had done some things with his trust fund that are against the law. When she sent an e-mail explaining to the lawyer, she lied and lied and lied. It was amazing how much she lied. I didn't even want to read explanation because I KNEW she would lie. She took lying to a whole new level.

She's ALWAYS been this way. I worked really hard on having a relationship with her when her kids were growing up. They did need me and our parents. My parents also helped with her kids. She finally did something that I was not able to overlook and we didn't really speak much for over 10 years. I slowly made peace with her at my expense because my daughter was supposedly getting married. Then she pulled this one. I may never see her again and that's okay. She's NEVER wrong. Everyone else is.

By the way, she and her husband are the ONLY active mormons left in the family other than my disabled brother and, get this, my daughter. Her children are all out of the church.

Frankly, I think my husband should just focus on his dad. I am not one to be nasty to stepmothers. I would have been one myself if my husband's kids hadn't disowned them. I have met them once in almost fifteen years of marriage-- the in laws aided and abetted my husband's ex in her parental alienation schemes. They believed her when Ex claimed he's abusive and they let her stage dramas in their home. They even let her drop divorce papers at their house.

My husband's dad mostly seems to be a pretty decent guy, if not kind of simple about some things. His wife acts like she never matured beyond age 13. Every once in awhile, she stirs up crap by sending guilt emails or texts. She berates my husband, who is a wonderful person and a good son. I think she knows better than to engage me.

I used to feel kind of sorry for her, but last night's revelation was the last straw.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 09:53AM by knotheadusc.

I've followed your story and heard the horrible things his ex has done to him. It is criminal.

I think he is being a great son for even communicating wit his father after all this. Your husband really does sound like a great guy and I'm glad he found happiness with you after all he has been through.

It is impossible to have a loving relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered person. Kick her ass out of your life - and his, too. They create misery. They CANNOT love. They see all kindness and compromise as weakness and will exploit it through manipulation.

I have a daughter with BPD. I cannot begin to fathom "kicking her out of my life." Even with the misery she's caused me, I refuse to give up hope she will get help to overcome that god awful disorder that has deprived me of my daughter.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 10:03AM by Amyjo.

I type for a psychiatric inpatient/outpatient facility right now. The new go-to diagnosis is BPD. It seems every patient they see, they are questioning the diagnosis from depression, PTSD, bipolar, and saying they think it might be BPD rather than other diagnoses.

As angry as I've been with my TBM daughter over the years, the minute I see her, I know she is so much a part of who I am that I will forever NEED her in my life and she will need me.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 10:11AM by cl2.

Yeah, I'm not sure if SMIL has BPD. She might, but I haven't spent enough time with her to know for sure. I think my husband's ex wife is a narcissist with borderline tendencies, but I know more about her than I do SMIL. SMIL bitches about Ex, but she's also kind of buddy/buddy with her when it's convenient for Ex.

My husband has a sister who is 19 years younger than he is. His dad and stepmom adopted her and she's a wonderful person. She's also a lesbian. SMIL told my husband that she knew her daughter is going to go to Hell because of her sexual orientation. I'm not that close to my husband's sister, but I do notice that she shares stuff on FB about FIL. She never mentions her mother.

It's the Mormon ingrained dogma that makes your SMIL believe that about her daughter. That's the drill when you're Mormon. ETA: Catholic too, apparently.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 10:33AM by Amyjo.

Actually, she's Catholic. Ex is LDS. And believe me, I know.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 11:55AM by knotheadusc.

It is ENTIRELY possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who suffers from BPD,but it takes a great deal of work and introspection. Self-awareness also helps. And BPD does NOT prevent someone from feeling love for others. It's just how a person shows and reciprocates that love which is broken.

Do some research on "gaslighting," what it is and how to respond to it. Step-Mom strikes me as a gaslighter, manipulating, denying, and creating facts and incidents in a deliberate pattern to create a different psychological/emotional/relationship "reality."

I know what gaslighting is. I've got a MSW and have read a lot about high conflict personalities.

I call them Mom and Dad.

Getting away from toxic people altogether has been my biggest challenge since leaving the church.

Wait a minute. You can be an abuser and we need to work with you and never give up because you have a personality disorder?

I'll remind my wife of that next time I punch her.