One of my greatest hopes is to one day have a great adult-to-adult relationship with my kids. Has anyone here pulled that off? I mean, you raised your kids outside the church, they are now grownups, and you've managed to transition to more of a grown up type of relationship with them.

One of my greatest laments is that I don't think I'll ever be able to have that type of relationship with my uber TBM parents. I mean, no matter what I do or how great my kids turn out, I will always be a disappointment and they'll never stop feeling like they need to do their utmost to 'bring me back to the fold' which I believe causes them to act even more TBMish than they otherwise would and makes it that much harder for our relationships to mature.

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired and I'm attempting to write this on my phone. I just know that if I have the same type of heavily censored and sanitized relationship with my adult children that I currently have with my own parents, I will be very disappointed.

I'd love to hear some success stories of solid, authentic relationships with your now adult kids. To give me hope if nothing else.

If you've fostered close loving ties with your children, and been a good parent, there's every reason why your odds are better than average your children will not disappoint.

Likewise, there are no guarantees in life, least of all in how children turn out. The parenting rule no two children are alike and no parenting manual accurately addresses what to expect.

With my own children, I love them equally devoting my life to raising them according to my values.

One turned out fine, the other has a personality disorder inherited from her father. She's become my prodigal child, although she claims to be religious. I no longer believe that good parenting is enough to save our children from themselves.

I still love her dearly, despite resigning myself that the little girl I carried has become a stranger to me and to herself. That's the nature of the beast, with borderlines.

If you're open and authentic with your children, there's every reason to believe they'll be the same in return.

So much of parenting comes down to letting go of our expectations, and ultimately our children for them to be what they're intended to be on their own. Their parents, as in us, will always be their first love and role model in their relation to their world. That won't change. No amount of time or distance can come between your love for them.

I was not fond of my mother, so I assumed that my daughter would automatically not like her mother either.

It turns out daughter and I are close and best friends. My son also is a good friend. Both come to me just to talk, vent or be heard. Both are appreciative. They are grateful we all got the heck out of Mormonism when they were kids.

I feel lucky, because I never had any confrontations or issues with them growing up.


I've heard that the younger generation is not as hung up about hanging out with parents as my generation was. I'm not sure if that is true.

The parent child relationship in most instances is one of the strongest there is. It cannot be extricated from the scenario.

Forging a great adult relationship as parent and child requires some serious cutting of the apron strings. Many don't ever do that. The child must claim their own life and the parent must appreciate that they did rather than resent it. Both must leave control of each other out of the picture and appreciate what each bring to the table. Friends with the benefit of that extra deep bond.

Anyway that is how it worked for me. I cut the apron strings young with a chainsaw. They didn't accept that for decades. But we got there in the end when my life worked out so well they finally had to see who I really was.

I'm quite pleased with my "adult" relationship with my 21 year-old son.
He wasn't raised in mormonism. He was raised to be kind, honest, hard-working, and critical in thinking.

He "moved out" almost two years ago (housing for college). We get together to do fun things, he asks me for help with his car, with his finances, etc. (mostly advice, though we do still help him financially). He'll come over some weekends just to sit and have a beer on the porch and talk about life.

I'm extremely proud of him, especially of how well he manages a balance of self-sufficiency and family commitment. He knows I won't rake him over any religious coals if he isn't "perfect," admits when he makes mistakes, and asks for advice and help when he needs it, all while being responsible for his own life and choices. I'm looking forward to his graduation and admittance to law school :)

Yup! I have two wonderful adult children. Both are contributing members of society. Both are non-religious (but open to possibilities). My son and I are especially close. He is engaged to a wonderful non-religious young lady whom we all are lucky to have in our lives.

My children have attended LDS religious services (both hated it). Both are honest, decent, and kind people (they got it from their mother).

It took some time. We created a very clear set of boundaries with our LDS family members.

Keep your chin up Bohica.

HH =)

My daughter and I have a more difficult relationship, but we still have one. It is better right now than it has been in a while even after she stayed here with me for 3 months this past winter. The year before was very difficult.

Being a single mother for the most part, my closest relationships will ALWAYS be with my kids. They will ALWAYS come first and they both know it.

what is your expectation> what is a 'great relationship' to you/ do you crave sky diving together or going to opera or sharing the same craving for a specific musician and standing side by side dancing similarly at a club with live performers?

Well, I shared a choice mountain wilderness access & one child hiked overland free climbing all the way to the lake with their friends. I did not. But I had been there. & am thrilled to share a love of part of life's lore rocks and the earth.
I shared camping and trail walking when they were young and then as teens they displaced me into my own social pursuits along my own trials and trails...and the one who first refused to go camping or boony romping onto forest roads with her dad & me moved to Alaska * now enjoying the greatest scenes. WHO KNEW?\\

Do you mean like religious political unity? same ness? exiting Mormonism everyone may go a new path- Do you mean earnest conversation daily or breakfast? everyone may have different jobs in different places. Do you mean local folk on the same street or favorite restaurant or near a ranch? that only work with jobs.

So what did you expect or hope was great? it depends on personality too how often or much a quiet talks compared to a chatty person. What is love? What did you want or hope? That is the same or different than Mormon folk? This might be cultural

I had a great relationship with my parents before and after I quit attending church. Family loyalty trumped everything else. My Nevermo Lutheran son and I have a wonderful relationship also.

I have a pretty good relationship with my 3 semi tbm children.

I cannot talk about the church for fear of them thinking its persecution they realize that dad never believed since his mission and has been respectful until my mega tbm wife divorced and tore the family apart after 4 decades of marriage.
I'm so much better off now after the initial shunning took place. They no longer attempt to convert me back.
They realize too that their mother has become increasingly bitter and entrenched in Mormonism and has become somewhat of a zealot.
life is much better and everyone know their boundaries.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

As I've thought more about this today, it's dawned on me that things are actually pretty decent with my parents. Especially compared to how things used to be. I mean, when it comes right down to it, what do I really expect?

I think it's more of a pipe dream honestly. As a couple of you posted above, I'd love to:

1) Have this type of relationship with my parents---> "Friends with the benefit of that extra deep bond."

and

2) Do this ---> "He'll come over some weekends just to sit and have a beer on the porch and talk about life."

The apron strings have long since been cut and we have adopted a mutually understood 'live and let live' type of relationship.

Yes, I frequently edit and censor myself with them but it's out of respect and a desire to simply keep the peace. Hell, my Dad would probably love to tell me dozens of faith-promoting stories but manages to limit himself to only a few per conversation.

(Incidentally, did you guys know that a young Tommy Monson once rescued a young maiden from drowning on the Provo River?? But of course he did, right? His family had a cabin there and he used to fish 'all the time'. Note to self: Never mention fishing on the Provo River to Dad ever again... lol)

So yes, things could be better but then they could also be much, much worse.

As for my own kids, I will continue to hope that things will be better between us as they enter adulthood and we allow the nature of our relationship to become a little less parent/child and a little more friend/friend.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/19/2017 05:32PM by bohica.

I have great relationships with all five of my adult children and their children. I am careful to never criticize or tell them what I think they should do.

They figure things out for themselves, self empowered and doing great in their decisions. If they were to ask me for advice (which they never do) I would only suggest possible options but never tell them what they should or shouldn't do.

An occasional drop by/phone call/text is always appreciated. I accept that they each have their own lives and interests. It was not always an easy transition and I had to check myself at times as it took some getting use to not being the dad but the friend.

I simply am not the center of their stage nor would I want to be. I am supportive in whatever they are engaged in and celebrate their success's and victories. Commensurate disappointments and encourage them in their new horizons. My parents were that way with me even when I was sunk in the depths of the Morg (and they were not in agreement with the cult at all)

BTW, my kids resigned their memberships in the cult and none of their children were blessed/baptized. So grateful to have been able to break the hold and pattern of being Mormon even though we stayed in the Morg corridor. (Brother and sister also resigned as did her children.)

My 2 children are in their 30's, and
my relationship with each one of them is wonderful. What hurts my heart is that they do not like each other.
Amyjo, I'm so sorry for you about the daughter you don't get to see at the present time. If I could take all that pain away from you, I would.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/19/2017 06:51PM by aquarius123.

Was just telling my wife this morning that it turns out family hates each other.

I made the mistake of letting my daughter and her husband live with us for a few months after he got out of the army and is getting established.

My daughter and wife are fighting like cats and dogs, and my daughter can't wait to get out of here, but they can't yet afford it.

My other daughter doesn't reply to phone calls or texts and lives 5 hours away.

My son is up in Alaska and who knows if he'll ever move back down. He does call occasionally, which is nice. Hurts to have our little grandson up there so far away.

I've learned to keep my mouth shut. I once thought they'd like advice, but not so. Have to be real careful to not piss them off.

I've gradually lost my fantasy that we'll have big family gatherings and have fun together. But my interests are different than theirs. I like working on small farm, which is not on the official fun list - supposed to be partying or drinking or going to movies or golfing or fishing or shopping.


I've established food production with gardens and fruit trees and milk cow, thinking grandkids would be around to enjoy it, but I don't see that happening. My kids insist they want to live nowhere near us.

Nature doesn't care if we like each other - only that we propagate the species and move on.

Man, that really sucks Free Man. Are you looking for an adopted son by any chance? Your small farm operation sounds awesome to me and I'd love to bring my little kids along to experience all of that. Sorry your kids don't feel the same.

Both of my kids were raised in the mormon church. They both had some very difficult times in their teens and twenties. I did my best to help them without beating them up emotionally. I've always told them that I know I wasn't the perfect TV parent. I would have liked to have been better. I did the best I could. I also tell them that i'm more than willing to go into therapy with them if they need me to. They're children of divorce, and I always worry about that. I come clean about my mistakes. Most of the time we can laugh about it. So far, we haven't needed a therapist. We just muddle through it with as much love as possible.

One thing I know for sure from watching others, if you can't let go of being the parent, or them being the child, you will have never-ending problems. Get over the fact that they were once teens that drove you crazy.


I was raised in a very strict mormon environment. My parents are still living and have nothing to do with me. I'm fine with that. They aren't very nice people, and they don't know my kids as they never made an effort in that direction.

Life goes on. I had my own family with 2 kids. They're now in their 30's. We talk and text at least 3 times a week. They're my reward in life. I adore them, and they are so good to me and their step father who raised them. We all left the mormon church together in 2011.

We do a lot of things together and never have a reason to fight about anything. I have one grandchild whom I think the world revolves around :)

My life has had a lot of very trying events. Now that i'm heading towards 70, i'd say it was all worth it just because of the sweet moments I have with my kids, their spouses, and my granddaughter.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2017 11:52AM by janis.

janis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> One thing I know for sure from watching others, if
> you can't let go of being the parent, or them
> being the child, you will have never-ending
> problems. Get over the fact that they were once
> teens that drove you crazy.

Yes, I think this is basically what I'm driving at when it comes to the relationship with my parents. I'm all grown up now. (Hell, you should see how much grey hair I have.) And yet the dynamic between us has changed little.

> Life goes on. I had my own family with 2 kids.
> They're now in their 30's. We talk and text at
> least 3 times a week. They're my reward in life. I
> adore them, and they are so good to me and their
> step father who raised them.

This made me smile. Thank you for sharing. This is what I want for my kids and I 30 years from now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2017 07:26AM by bohica.

My oldest Son is in his 40's now and we get along great. The rest of my kids are sprinkled about a year or two apart and I have a wonderful relationship with each of them. They know I'm not active, (resigned a few months ago) and they don't preach to me for not attending. Nobody has said a word about my Mr. Coffee machine or the beers in the fridge.

Each of these kids was a handful once they figured out that they didn't have to mind their parents anymore. But, in time they matured and I always tell people that kids aren't so bad once they reach the age of 35 or so.

I have a strained relationship with my NEVER MO Mother.

I am not the daughter she envisioned having and I am a permanent reminder of a part of her life she would like to forget. My Mother was a single, unwed Mother in the 60's. While she lived in a more liberal area of the country, she was judged and shunned by family for this "mistake". She raised me on her own and I never knew my biological Father. There may be more to the story than I ever will know.

However, she ADORES her grandchildren, who are adults and live with me while they are in college full time. I have good relationships with both-closer to one more, but that is because one child is "high level autistic"-bonding is difficult with anyone.

I am so glad to have healthy relationships and boundaries with them. I don't change who they are and who they want to be, but living with me comes still comes with some rules. Respect, keep things clean, contribute, etc. It is a good balance and I even like the shift into a more "friendship" and roommate zone than Parenting.

One thing I am most proud of as a parent-is that I have guided them into being happy/happier people with THEMSELVES and their own lives....as opposed to making ME or their TBM Father happy with meeting expectations that do not fit.

Respect of their Mom is not optional-but I do not insist they fit MY ideals.

RMM

I agree with Recovered Molly Mo and others who emphasize the importance of not projecting your own expectations on adult children.

For many years after leaving Mormonism, I kept trying to steer conversations, introduce topics, solve problems, in other words MANAGE the relationships. This was driving them away.

I always had an agenda. By this I don't mean a religious agenda, although occasionally during my Catholic period I would remind them of all that Jesus had "done for them" LOL!

It is easy to remain Mormon in your parent-child relationship even after leaving Mormonism. By that I mean having your own definition of what constitutes success for them (STAY IN SCHOOL - GET A JOB IN HEALTHCARE - DEVELOP YOUR MUSICAL TALENTS)

When I chose Buddhist psychology as my new "religion", I dropped all of that. It was so freeing! And something else happened that seems like a miracle when I look back on it. I decided to talk about whatever they wanted. If it was faith-promoting stories, I asked for more saying I love the way you tell them. If it was school, fine...work, tell me more. I asked about their boyfriend and his interests.

It took three years before my (eight) children actually noticed I had changed. They never asked me before then because they were enduring my conversations about myself and my beliefs. Why would they bring any more on?

Now I am close to each of my grown children, some more than others because I have more in common with some more than others, just like you would with any other adult friends.

Most of our problems with these relationships stem from Mormons being judged by a family member's loss of faith and them being constantly asked if they've tried this or that scripture, or prayed more, or said or done something to bring you back. Can you imagine the pressure?

You can learn a lot about adult relationships by reading "The Rainbow Comes and Goes" by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt. I wish I had read it years ago and avoided some of my own regrets.


Kathleen

My son and I have a good relationship. I treated him well as a child, and I still provide him with somewhere to live as long as he needs it. I actually missed him when he was away at college.

No thanks to my father or Mormonism for any help.

Some good advice I received:

Don't take credit for their successes and don't take the blame for their failures. They are not mini-you.

I have one daughter, 31, and have a great relationship with her, as her time allows. She works full time an will graduate in just a few weeks from the U of U with her MBA.

I am curious, since you said "in 30 years or so", your children are very young and I'm just wondering why this is something you are asking about at this time in their young lives?

My parents are super TBM. They do not treat their adult children like adults. It's an on-going problem and they don't see the connection between that and all the strained relationships with us (there are 7). As long as they keep projecting their ridiculous Mormon expectations on us, the relationships will never change. It sucks and I'm sick of it because they are nearing 70. Can't we just have some peace already?

I have a great relationship with my children.

My parents are TBM and my relations with them were strained for a long time. Things improved as they grew older and stopped caring so much about the church and conversely started caring more about family. Ironic, that. But I do count our relationship as a net loss over the course of my life. We were distant for far too many years. Mormonism contributes to that in many, though not all, families.

I think, however, you may be pleasantly surprised by your kids. Parenting is very different than when our parents played that role. Adults are generally more engaged--particularly fathers--and they aren't as confident in their own judgment. So they listen more, admit mistakes, are less conditional in their love, less judgmental. In my experience, and that of others I've seen, teens and young adults today often view their parents as allies and friends. I think the key is to let the relationship evolve as your children feel and express changing needs.

My guess is that you are already doing that both because of your age and because of the sensitivity you express in your post. There are no guarantees--genetics of the sort Amyjo describes and other problems introduce a lot of uncertainty--but I'd think the odds of your having a great relationship with your kids as they enter adulthood are very good. Don't worry too much. Love them, listen to them, respect their changing needs.

I think you will be very happy as your children grow up.