I was super hardcore TBM during high school, the mission and then upon returning from my mission, I was still fully active and all the way in. But over the course of the next 13 years or so, I noticed a general softening of my own conviction of the Mormon ideas that "we're right, we're the only true church, everyone has to be Mormon or they won't have a shot at the CK, our priesthood is the only true priesthood, etc."

My belief about god morphed into a more lenient, "God is love" even though I still felt the full load of guilt for all my "imperfections".

I became friends with a guy who was an exmormon-turned-atheist and once in a while our conversations would center on Mormonism and the church. In these conversations, I would look at things from his perspective and offer up my LDS-style explanation for all the things he viewed as indicative of god not existing.

During one conversation, it was probably about 9/11 and why God wouldn't tell the prophet, "Hey, have them evacuate the twin towers prior to 6 a.m. EDST on 9/11/2001," my friend made the point that even though there's a somewhat internally-consistent LDS explanation for all these things, it still appears that life on earth proceeds just as it would if there were no god.

This wasn't the first time he'd made this kind of point but I remember trying to find some way of explaining why it was reasonable to believe in the face of a complete absence of anything concrete to support that belief. All the possible answers I could give were easy enough for me, playing devil's advocate, to brush away using the kinds of arguments he had already made.

It was at that point I told my friend that I believe in God/Heavenly Father because I wanted to believe. And saying that had a huge emotional impact on me. Once I realized that there were good arguments against believing in god that I chose to ignore because I wanted to believe, I realized I was being ignorant and had the natural desire to change.

I searched and found www.lds-mormon.com which guided me in my research that I happily undertook from that point.

As for me, I can't really pinpoint a specific time that I started to leave. I feel like I've been trying to leave since childhood. I'm 31 and my last sacrament meeting was in December of 2009, so almost a year ago!

What took me so long?!?!?! This is why my moniker is so appropriate.

As a primary child I identified logical fallacies among my leaders (though I of course didn't know the technical term).

I visited sites like this in my teens. Nope. Still went back for more.

I kept grasping at something to hold me in. I met my husband while he was a missionary because I was having "doubts." He quit going well before I did, but in our early marriage he was so anal he scared me. I was terrified he'd be a bishop or some equally time-sucking calling.

I held on to the standard, "it's a great way to raise kids" for years. Really? I now see it completely opposite.

What finally gave me the courage to leave? I'm still not clear, even now. I know that being a California Mormon, Prop 8 was a huge deal for me. I couldn't believe what was going on during Sunday meetings. None of my non-California Mormon family had a clue what was going on. Just a few weeks ago I told my baby brother that we were told how to vote over the pulpit and he was in shock. I came home from church, Sunday after Sunday, sickened, angry and emotionally spent. I found myself urgently telling my gays friends, "You know I'll vote 'No,' right?"

I don't remember the exact date, but it was during tithing settlement. I had just sat through another mind-numbing-why-I'm-I-doing-this-to-myself sacrament meeting and sent my boys off to primary and nursery. I couldn't bring myself to go to Sunday School. I went out to the car. It was a gorgeous Newport Beach winter day. I rolled the windows down. I sobbed. I felt sick. I knew I couldn't do this to my boys any longer. I needed to choose. I called Mr. Denial, "I can't do this anymore. I'm going to meet with the bishop."

Immediately, I started to feel like I could breathe a bit easier. I cleaned up my face with some baby wipes and calmly walked back into the building and found the bishop. He's a good man and I worked very closely with him. I said I would like to meet with him. He walked over to the tithing settlement sign-up sheet and wrote my name in a slot for that evening.

I was very vague in our meeting when telling him why the boys and I would no longer be coming to church. Looking back, I realize I was still in a fog. I committed to continue in my calling for two weeks to give him time to find a replacement.

For a few months, I had many moments of doubt. "What if it is true?" I knew I couldn't just rely on my feelings. I needed to study, to learn for myself. I started with this site and then read "Rough Stone Rolling;" shortly after, "No Man Knows My History."

It was a process and even now I'm not sure how to answer my own question. Maybe in my case, it was a little of both.

Were there things about your children attending in their classes that bothered you too?? Or was it just your stressful life as a Mormon that led you out.? My convert daughter's 15 mo. old son will soon enter the world of brainwashing and I would kind of like to know if any of this part of Mormonism got you thinking more. I actually want something to go on to push her to do research and get the heck out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2010 08:49PM by honestone.

...but I'm not sure I have any advice that would relate to your daughter.

I remember that some of the discussions that I would have with my oldest son started to click. "Do I want him believing things, that I myself don't believe?" At this point, I was going for my boys thinking it would be good to surround them with moral people. To leave, I had to have the confidence that I could raise moral and ethical children without out "the one true church."

Songs that I sang as a child such as, "I am a Child of God" started to sound creepy to me. I never sang my babies primary songs as lullabies.

I had already unplugged from most things stressful in the Mormon lifestyle. By the time I left, I was hanging by a deteriorating thread.

Does your daughter show any signs of doubt?