Sorry folks, I guess I'm venting because sometimes it's not so great being grandparents with fellow grandparents who are TBM's. Our daughter and son-in-law are still TBM and his whole family is TBM. Since day one, his family has shunned my family and when there has been get-togethers, like our son-in-law's BYU graduation dinner at a restaurant, it was like there was crime scene tape around us,dividing us from them. His dad is nice enough, but his mom and sisters are something else. We were attending the oldest grandaugher's ( 7 years old) indoor soccer game, and every time, without fail, when his parents also attend, no one says hi or hi grandpa and gramma. Our son-in-law coaches the team, and he will talk with his parents, but won't even acknowledge us. We always get together with DD,SIL, and grandkids on Sundays at our house for dinner and things are good then, but not with things like this. When we left, we were making small talk with his dad, and his mom has her back to us,facing and talking with our grandkids and how excited she was to get together with them later for a Real soccer game. As we left to go to our car, none of the grandchildren or anyone said goodbye or we love you or nothing. My husband had to be the one to say "we'll see you later, "Johnny"to our SIL. He replied: "ok, see ya". No "thanks for coming to her games", nothing. I am still fuming and trying to analyze them. I realize his mom is very insecure, but this has been going on for years. I'm glad for our get togethers at home,but sometimes it just plain hurts.

I'm afraid they see you as outsiders who cannot be trusted.

Expected civility from them would be like expecting a mule to politely sip tea in a drawing room.

I'm sorry they treat you this way, but be glad you're not part of their daily life. Wat a mess that would be.

You're very good to take such an interest in the grand kids. They'll love you and appreciate it their whole lives.

It sounds like your daughter and son-in-law are trying to walk a fine line in pleasing both sets of parents. You might raise this (gently) at one of your weekly dinners. You could acknowledge them having to walk a fine line, but ask for the common courtesies. I realize that this is a difficult situation.

I'd ask the fellow grandparents how the way they treat you is consistent with the faith they espouse. I would ask them to quit it it and acknowledge we are all family. And I would ask if they need something from us to do that. Straight out (but not with the daughter and her family there, or knowing about it)
Maybe I'd even invite them over to do it and start with a "I think it is time we got to know each other better since it always seems so awkward when we are all together."

A couple quotes from our good friend Oprah Winfrey:

"I don't want anyone who doesn't want me.”

and

“Surround yourself only with people who are going to take you higher.”

I think Oprah's right: jettison any ballast that's dragging you down. Especially TBM-scented ballast.

I guess misery loves company. Our family disunity has nothing to do with Mormonism. My sister is divorced from the father of her three children but they all continue to celebrate major holidays together as a family. Since I have no spouse or children and my mother is a widow, I do holidays with her alone. It's just the two of us. It's weird that we are left out of almost everything with my sister and my sister's kids because we had nothing to do with the divorce. They just all feel it is too awkward to have Mom and me at events since we are the only two who don't share the same last name. And the now grown grandchildren make no effort at all to keep close to their grandmother who gave them almost everything they have. Not trying to be materialistic but they all appeared to love their grandmother when she was putting the roof over their head, bread on the table, and supplying them with college tuition. But now that grandma is in the nursing home and fully functioning suffering only with arthritis, they cannot be bothered with talking to or knowing her. I'm just so disgusted with them all.

I've been shunned too. Here's what I recommend--right now, the TBMs have all the power, take it away from them!

If you go a restaurant, sit yourself down next to the matriarch and say, we've got to really get to know each other better! If she says, but xx is going to sit there. Say, xx can take care of herself, we're all family! Then HOG the conversation. You can always say something like, have you folks got the porn epidemic here too? man, this is what's going on in my neighborhood! Be sure to tell your daughter about how delightful Mrs. xx is!

At sports events, be the obnoxious cheerleading team. Yell stuff like, hey, xx, go kick some ass! Seriously, make yourself in control.

"Power is a perception--believe that you have power and you'll communicate that power to others." Herb Cohen



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2017 02:42PM by BYU Boner.

I second the Boner's advice--the power is there for the taking!

^^^ So wise!!! I may copy this.

You guys are all so great, your comments are spot on and it's comforting to know others are understanding and helpful and to be able to communicate with others and not feel so alone. It makes life easier.