My husband, I and our children left tscc 5 years ago after accidentally discovering what a fraud it really is. Over the years contact with our TBM family has become very minimal and just this last year we no longer respond to their contact.

We stopped contact due to their behavior toward us since leaving. After we left we were disinvited to immediate family events but if there was an extended family event we were invited but would be shunned, glared at, ignored, etc by DH's parents, so we stopped going to family events. Then we would get rude emails, at first we tried responding politely but that didn't change anything so we stopped responding. With some family members we would still answer phone calls and texts but then we learned that they were just "returning and reporting" to DH's parents so we stopped answering calls and texts. We have even had to decline gifts because MIL was using them as a way to let us know how unhappy she was with our decision to leave tscc. They continue to find ways to punish us. Somehow the news spread to the entire extended family (I'm talking hundreds of relatives) and we now no longer receive any mail from any relatives, not even Christmas cards last year.

We are still struggling with all of this. I know we are better off with out them but I still feel guilty and sad about the whole situation. Any advice appreciated. Anyone else had to stop contact with tbm family members due to their bad behavior?

anontoday1 Wrote:
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> Anyone else had to stop
> contact with tbm family members due to their bad
> behavior?

You nailed. The big difference was that my mother started the ignoring and not wanting anything to do with us other than "return and report" back when I was a believer.

When my family members discovered how I felt about their church all pretense was dropped.

My mother will not accept the fact that I married my wife. Her and my father even asked me to come and visit without her.

So after having been married several years I discovered the enormity of the fraud Mormonism was and that fact slowly disseminated through my family.

I don't know what to tell you. It is basically being disowned but you had to do it. You have to not be connected to their rumor mill and their lives of following a fraud worshiping a mythical concept of family. It is often a part of being ExMormon - having to ditch family for your sanity.

The irony for me is that my wife and children are Mormon. The whole thing started with my mother and maybe in the future it will end with her. Maybe I will have relationships again. I don't want them to be just me with my family. I think a big part of my wife coming to terms with my leaving Mormonism was he seeing how once the myth of family was dropped in my mind, I could see their terrible treatment clearly.

My wife is a great person but won't be bitten thrice. I love it about her. She is no door mat.

i dont know if all religion seems a fraud to you, but friends who left the lds church continued to have friends even from the ward they had left and more importantly in the new local community christian church they began to go to- this saved them because as you the entire extended tbm relatives left them, piled on them in terrible ways. you had the courage to leave and you must have the courage to let the relatives meanness not affect you-it's hard but you can do it.

blessings
k

Have read your poignant post several times. This particular problem has not happened to me but since I am an aged pediatrician have seen families fall apart for a multitude of reasons-religion, ethnicity, money and jealousy. Estrangement for any reason is painful but since this an RFM board I will keep thoughts on that subject alone. Here's what I would do in your situation:
1. Accept that any solution- if that is what you want- is years away and may require deaths of those principally responsible for shunning you. Sounds awful I know.
2. Likely there has been a softer family member that still would "meet you half way" that you could communicate with. See if you can identify said person. Trial and error may be involved. Communication should be limited to successes- somebody made cheerleading, a sports team, got great grades, received a promotion, community recognition. A great vacation!Even a great ACT/SAT score. But always communicate these AFTER the fact. Undoubtedly these will be disseminated to the rest. The best revenge is living well.
3. In the absence of grandparents- by their choice- try to cultivate a relationship with older neighbors, childless couples, or even older members of a new church if you made that choice. Surrogate grandparents can be just as meaningful.
4. You may have to make a statement by returning gifts. That message would be loud and clear but two edged. By accepting them you open your children up to exposure in an area that knows no limits. By returning them you may add to your children's perhaps worse understanding of the shunning. The kids may see it as their failure
5. Not getting Xmas cards? Send yours anyway.

If I can think of more ideas will repost. My Gators tip off in 20 minutes and my mind is distracted. You haven't mentioned how your children feel about all this.

Gatorman
Sitting anxiously in front of TV



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2017 02:58PM by gatorman.

My husband, I and our children left tscc 5 years ago after accidentally discovering what a fraud it really is. Over the years contact with our TBM family has become very minimal and just this last year we no longer respond to their contact.

We stopped contact due to their behavior toward us since leaving. After we left we were disinvited to immediate family events but if there was an extended family event we were invited but would be shunned, glared at, ignored, etc by DH's parents, so we stopped going to family events. Then we would get rude emails, at first we tried responding politely but that didn't change anything so we stopped responding. With some family members we would still answer phone calls and texts but then we learned that they were just "returning and reporting" to DH's parents so we stopped answering calls and texts. We have even had to decline gifts because MIL was using them as a way to let us know how unhappy she was with our decision to leave tscc. They continue to find ways to punish us. Somehow the news spread to the entire extended family (I'm talking hundreds of relatives) and we now no longer receive any mail from any relatives, not even Christmas cards last year.

We are still struggling with all of this. I know we are better off with out them but I still feel guilty and sad about the whole situation. Any advice appreciated. Anyone else had to stop contact with tbm family members due to their bad behavior?

I cut out all negative people in my life. Family or not.

I do not have the energy or desire to surround myself with negative people.

I have cut off communication with my 2 sisters. It didn't have to do with church. It was just that they were not people I wanted to associate with.

It is up to you to decide who is in your life. If someone treats you bad on a regular basis, you have every right to move on.

I don't see it as an "accident" you discovered the fraud.

It was a natural course of your progression and maturity that you arrived to that conclusion.

As for your family, not sure how I'd have dealt with that. I wasn't shunned by my parents upon or following my leaving TSCC.

My TBM brothers were the same as they'd always been, with their snub nosed TBM wives, that didn't change before or after. No surprises there.

Church shunning didn't bother me because I cut them off before they cut me off. At that point it became moot who was doing the shunning.

Your in-laws may resent you for cutting off contact, instead of themselves. They see it as you rejected them (which includes their beliefs,) hence are probably trying to save you from apostasy (in their minds.)

It will be harder for your children, because they are caught in the middle. Should they really have to choose between you and your newfound beliefs, and their grandparents? I wouldn't be hasty to cut off ties if it were me.

They may simply need time to process what you're going through. Possibly sending them a nice, courteous note of why you left, and that it has nothing to do with your husband's family but church doctrine. That you're open to preserving family ties, but expect the same courtesy and respect from them you had before. If that doesn't do it, you've drawn your line in the sand.

But lines can be modified - it shouldn't be set in stone, for your children's sake.

I'm sorry they're putting you through the wringer.

You're right. It's better to have no contact than to be openly insulted and mistreated.

I finally cut off all contact with TBM extended family and it's a relief!

Your family is the one with the shallow, hurtful, judgmental behavior. Do they feel bad? Do they feel guilty? No. In their indoctrinated minds they are doing what their God wants them to do and so they sleep easy.

You and yours on the other hand, have been courageously genuine, loving, caring, and gone the extra mile to make the relationship work.

The wrong people are feeling the pain--you. The wrong people are feeling smugly superior--your family.


I noticed something many years ago in unhealthy relationships. The one who cares the least wins. The one who cares the most jumps through the hoops, tries the hardest, and feels the most responsibility and in the end, feels the most pain. The one who cares the least got what they wanted all along.

I'm sure as information is revealed about you and it filters back to FIL, that he and his are getting a lot of sympathy for the "heart breaking" situation they are in. Gag me with a spoon.

It is very sad, but as a wise man once said, "Some people are family, and others are really only blood relatives."

Yes, I have been similarly treated. I made it clear in no uncertain terms that Mormonism was off the table. 100%. I was totally prepared to never see family again. What I felt very, very deeply was this. I never wanted to be the one with my nose pressed up against the window looking pathetically in at the party. I never wanted to be the one who was desperate to become part of the in crowd. And especially, I decided that even if I was the one who cared the most, I would never show it.


SCREW Mormons and their sanctimonious, ignorant, arrogant, shunning that they call "tough love" as a way to justify their hurtful actions.

This happened to me, too. My children and I resigned together, about 9 years ago. My parents were deceased. My in-laws were critical of me, when we were still members, and blamed me for my husband's "inactivity." My SIL was a fanatic, and used to criticize my parents for not going to the temple, and for not wearing their garments. She criticized me for not having perfect church attendance. What I'm saying is that the nastiest relatives were already nasty, even before we resigned from the cult.

One side of our family is headed by a prominent GA, and at one of their funerals, Gordon B. Hinckley, himself, said that he was looking to our family to provide future General Authorities. My cousins are all bishops, stake presidents, mission presidents, temple presidents, etc. It is an over-the-top arrogant, wealthy GA family.

The exact thing happened to me, that happened to you, except no one sent me any e-mails. They just cut me off completely. They wouldn't speak to me at funerals and weddings. At first, no one knew we had resigned, but one of the cousins is in our ward, and I could see the difference in behavior, when someone found out. Now, I don't receive any reunion invitations or Christmas cards. They have an annual luncheon for women, and I'm not invited to that, either.

It might make you feel better (though a little angry) to know that this is Standard Operating Procedure for Mormons. It is not personal. It is all about their beloved church, and not about you at all.

Your relatives don't know you. President Monson, himself called those who leave: "The lazy, the offended, those wanting to sin." Do you understand--the Prophet himself has defined who you are! Those who have left have been accused of "being under the influence of Satan." We will even go to a lesser heaven, where we will not see our children or spouses, and will be separated from our families. (Strange they believe this, when they be baptized and sealed for you when you die, thus giving you the chance....but not much in Mormonism makes sense.

Is this the Christian way to treat family? NO! Are you being overly sensitive? NO. Shunning is a reality, and it happens to almost all of us who leave.

Even when you know that shunning is crazy--it still hurts.

I tried for years--tried to connect individually, attended the funerals and weddings--but finally gave up. It made me too sad! I became angry at myself for putting myself in a position to be victimized. It was effecting my health and happiness. In the end, I have "no contact", like Cheryl.

I look at it from a new perspective. We apostates need to fail, in order for the cult's religion to be true. Only Mormons should be blessed by God, and not the rest of us. When Mormons see apostates succeed, when they observe that we are happy, and that our children are doing great--that upsets their beliefs. So, my conclusion is that the Mormons WANT us to be unhappy, to be in outer darkness, in order for their cult's promises to be fulfilled. The bottom line is: Anyone who wants us to fail is our ENEMY.

Done & Done had good advice:

What I felt very, very deeply was this. I never wanted to be the one with my nose pressed up against the window looking pathetically in at the party. I never wanted to be the one who was desperate to become part of the in crowd. And especially, I decided that even if I was the one who cared the most, I would never show it.

Don't be a victim. Don't allow your children to be victims. Move on, and let your happiness and love shine for those who deserve you!

BTW--I have a whole other half of my family, on my father's side, who are mostly non-Mormons, and more liberal Mormons, and are interesting, fun people that we love. How about you?

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps a lot to not feel like the only person experiencing this. No- we don't have other family. We distanced ourselves from the other side years ago (dysfunctional & abusive). Currently- we don't speak to any family or friends. Its a weird place to be in, since our whole lives have been overly full with family, friends & acquaintances. Currently it is just me, dh & our kids. Were trying to rebuild but I'm just not as outgoing as I used to be.

anontoday Wrote:
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> Were
> trying to rebuild but I'm just not as outgoing as
> I used to be.

It is terribly hard. You will get there. You will find people to fill the gaps. They won't fit and won't quite fill them, but I believe you can have it happen.

I lost contact with some very dear family members for these reason. Once they knew that I did not believe the same things that they did, they were as rudely and arrogantly cruel as any people could be. Only their beliefs could possibly be correct, and anyone, everyone, who believed differently was not just wrong, but actively bad, evil, someone who could never be valued in any way.

Finding other groups for friendships and a new replacement family helps, but it does take some time. However, it's worth aiming for if you feel a need for closer relationships.

You can also establish new traditions in your own immediate family, things that make getting together a joy. Try out new things, invent family holidays, mini vacations, day trips, for you, your spouse, and children, in which you can celebrate that you have each other. You may find that you will ultimately be much happier with that than with the old meetings with the broader family.

And always keep in mind that none of your relatives would be doing anything at all negative toward you if they were truly following their religion's teachings, themselves. Instead, they are openly violating their articles of the faith: "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

Just from a different angle, if you feel that you need to take shot, you can simply tell them real facts show the church is a fraud; feelings aside, it's the FACTS that prove Joseph Smith pulled a scam, and manipulation of emotions is what makes people testify that it's "true." Of course, if your family is deeply TBM, they will huddle closer around the fire in the cave that is LDS-ism, because it is their tribe, their very existence.

If the "glory of God is intelligence", TBM's throw that out when the plain facts are presented. But they're stuck; they've invested their entire reason for living in it.