It was strange, sad, dishonest and even outrageous in some fundamentally important ways. and, yet, in rhe end, it provided a personal and unexpectedly positive experience.

I had known this friend for several years. He was born into a local Mormon family, served a full-time LDS mission, was married in the Mormon temple, raised a large family in the LDS faith, served as a bishop in an area LDS ward close to where I lived--and eventually got divorced, with a main reason for the split being that he came to realize Mormonism was not true, while his wife remained a steadfast true-believer. He loved his children and continued a close relationship with them, but vowed never to get married again.

He and I visited on and off during the ensuing years, with him often calling me at work to express his views on various topics of the day (religious and non-religious alike). He was bright, perceptive, outspoken, sensitive and direct--and most importantly, a person of honesty and conviction through and through. He did not tolerate injustice or deception and spoke his mind unhesitatingly.

He was a lawyer by profession. When I left the Mormon Church, I was faced with some ugly, false rumors about my supposed reasons for leaving Mormonism that were being bandied about by an unhinged TBM. My ex-Mormon friend contacted the accuser and persuaded him to publicly retract his claims, under threat of legal action if he did not. The TBM did so reluctantly, but nonetheless attempted to justify his false accusations by saying he did not appreciate my editorial cartoons criticizing eventually impeached and convicted Mormon Arizona governor Evan Mecham. (Say what?) It was good to have my ex-bishop, ex-Mormon, practicing-attorney friend around.

Anyway, attending the memorial service for my friend were many of his LDS family members and acquaintances. Several of the Mormon men who came to the Saturday memorial service were dressed in typical Sunday suits and ties. Also typically, women managed the buffet table. People mingled around, visiting the food line and sitting on folding chairs chatting among themselves.

While they were doing so, a slide show was displaying large photographs of my friend's life, cast on two opposite, wide walls in the room where the memorial was being held (inside a city public building next to the municipal library).

From what I could observe, few if any people were paying meaningful attention to the slide show of my friend's journey as it was being displayed up on those walls. Instead, as I concentrated on watching the personal photographs of my friend's life from his infant days up through his later years, I could hear the Mormons present in the room talking about the expanding number of stakes in their areas, who was serving or had served in what Mormon missions and how their businesses were doing in a tough economy.

In the meantime, my friend's life was being flashed before their unfocused eyes and into their unlistening ears. Sadly, as well, there was no clear indication in the slide show's carefully edited presentation that my friend had actually left the Mormon Church. Indeed, it displayed his Church ordination records and the farewell announcement of his mission call as a young man, along with the newspaper announcement of his temple wedding and reference to him having been a bishop. Looking at it from a neutral vantage point, one would have thought he had been born and had died a faithful Mormon.

That not-unexpected deceptive presentation, combined with the visitors' oblivious inattention, disappointed me. I left after about 45 minutes, recalling for what was to be an eventually-compiled guest book some short, positive memories and thoughts about my good friend.

As I was exiting, one of his children spotted me and came over to say hello. We chatted quietly outside the building for a few minutes, where he told me that he was not a practicing Mormon and that what he and I were witnessing in that room were Mormons caught up in their own little world, absorbed in the limited views and experiences of their Mormon lives--the only thing, he said, that they could relate to. I asked him how he was doing in the wake of the loss of his father and he said that this was the hardest day so far. I found out that we had served in the same overseas Japanese mission (years apart), so we chatted briefly in the native tongue. He took down my email address and we agreed to get together in the future.

He looked, sounded and acted like his father.

I was happy to leave with a living memory of my friend.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/15/2017 04:00AM by steve benson.

I'm sorry for your loss.

What a beautiful thing it is that you and his son connected in his absence.

How horrible it was that the funeral seemed to erase his identity! So very symbolic that the "revisionist history" was ignored anyway by the self-absorbed.

I really love this story because there is a victory in it and a truth. And love.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/15/2017 08:04AM by windyway.

I remember after my dad died that one of the most meaningful interactions I had was with one of my dad's friends. I'm sure that your conversation comforted your friend's son.

I'm sorry about your friend.

I don't know what it is about the Mormons, that they just can't accept when someone leaves the church. Several years back, I attended the funeral of one of my former YW leaders, who had left the church.

In a break with typical LDS tradition, they had an open mic time at the end of the service, where people could get up and say something about the deceased. Some guy felt it his place to inform everybody that this woman knew deep down that the church was true. I wanted to stand up and scream at him. He seemed to have no concept that he was disrespecting this wonderful woman at her own funeral by suggesting that she didn't live according to her beliefs.

I had discussed her journey out of the church with her, and I knew he was wrong. This woman and I had accidentally reconnected at an exmo event after not seeing each other for years. She had been rejected by my home neighborhood for following her beliefs and leaving the church. She paid a high price for leaving.

Situations like this just show that Mormon will rewrite history and reality to fit their illusions. They do this with church history, doctrine, changed temple ceremonies. But worst of all, they see the people in their lives through a warped lens, instead of seeing who they really are.

. . . remaking you into a Mormon at your own damn funeral.

How sick, twisted and jaw-dropping disrespectful is that?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2017 02:20AM by steve benson.

Wonderful friends bring sunshine.

May memories of your friend light up the days ahead Steve.

I had a family member pass recently. The Mormons weren't going to let his nevermo family share memories at his funeral. Just because that's never been done before. We'll have to get permission from the bishop! I was so glad I stood up to them. There was one "talk" at his funeral that was nothing about him, but everything about the plan of salvation. I told my bff that if I hadn't pitched a fit, his entire funeral would've been that. Thankfully, his bff church friend knew to talk about him, and the bishop realized he better talk about the family member too.
What I shared was a few memories and a quote from my favorite show. "He didn't stay as long as we would've liked, it we're lucky we knew him at all." YGO
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and dear to you!