SIMPLIFIED BOOK OF MORMON
Another Bible

Translator’s note: This work is directly translated from the Book of Mormon. It is not a satire or an insult. Anything found here is also present in the translation of the Book of Mormon known as “the most correct book on Earth.”

The First Book of Nephi
Chapter 1

1. My name is Nephi. My parents were good. My life has been extremely difficult, but I have always been a really good person, and so God has loved me more than most people. Because of this, I know things that you don’t know, so I will write down the things you should learn.

2. I am writing this in Egyptian, based on how the Jews taught my dad to write.

3. Everything I am about to write is true. I am writing this by hand, in my own handwriting, based on what I know.

4. My dad’s name is Lehi and he lived in Jerusalem all of his life. In the same year that Zedekiah became the King of Judah there were many prophets preaching that the Jews were very bad and must change, or their great city would be destroyed.

5. My dad left the house to say a very heartfelt prayer to God about the Jews.

6. As my dad was praying, a rock caught fire and talked to him. The things the burning rock told my dad frightened him enough to give him a seizure.

7. My dad went home and fell onto his bed, since he was exhausted by a magic spirit and the burning rock.

8. The magic spirit helped my dad imagine that he saw the sky separate. My dad thought he saw God sitting in a chair surrounded by magic people who were singing to God.

9. One of the people fell out of the sky and shone brighter than the sun does at noon.

10. Then twelve other people fell out of the sky, and they shone brighter than the stars that aren’t the sun.

11. These 13 people that fell out of the sky walked on the ground to my dad and handed him a book and told him to read it.

12. When my dad read the book, he was possessed by the magic spirit.

13. My dad read the book aloud and it said, “Jerusalem is guilty of many horrible crimes!” The book said that many of the people of Jerusalem would be stabbed with swords, and others would be kidnapped and taken to Babylon.

14. My dad liked the book a lot and called it great. He exclaimed, “God is awesome and does awesome things! Your chair is very high up in the sky, and you are so powerful and so good and so kind to everyone on Earth, that if people will go up in the sky to meet you they will not die.”

15. My dad was very happy about God and said lots of stuff like that because of the burning rock and the things he imagined about the sky.

16. I am not going to write everything my dad said, because he said a lot of things to his children about his dreams and imaginations.

17. Instead, I am going to write about myself after I write a shortened version of the things my father said. I am writing this on some metal plates that I hammered out with my own hands.

18. After God told my dad all of these wonderful things about murdering people in Jerusalem, my dad began teaching them to other people in the city.

19. The Jews mocked my dad because he told them that they were criminals. My dad told them that there would be a savior to redeem the world from the criminal Jews.

20. When they heard this, the Jews became angry, just like they had with other people they had kicked out of the city or killed with stones when they had called all of the Jews criminals in the past. The Jews tried to kill my dad, but God had chosen my dad and loved him more than he loved the Jews, and would save him from them.