Being raised in the mormon church, I remember being repeatedly taught how my virginity was the only thing that mattered about me. If I lost that, no one would ever want me. Well, I did lose my virginity, without my consent, at the age of 15. I stayed with the guy who took it for years, despite the fact he cheated on me, wouldn't acknowledge our relationship to anyone, and took me with him when stalking other girls. I stayed because I firmly believed I was used goods and I wasn't deserving of anyone's love. When I finally had the self esteem to leave him, turns out I really didn't. I couldn't open myself up to anyone. In years of dating, there was not one guy I was interested in. I ended up marrying another TBM, not because I loved him, but because he was nice and kind of nerdy and would never hurt me. Needless to say, that didn't work out so well.
Cut to the present: I'm married to the first guy who took my virginity. He's had at least 2 emotional affairs on me, which have destroyed my health. But, on the plus side, he helps out around the house, he's good to my kids, he works, and despite all the insanity, it's still better than my first marriage. Oh, and he pretty much stopped having sex with me the day we got married. He couldn't get enough when we were teens and before we married, but now, the most attention I get is a nipple twist or joke.
I don't know much about abuse patterns or what a normal relationship looks like. When I first got back together with him, I felt love. I knew I could move past our history. But, when the patterns started again, it was too late to back out.
I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't bought in to the teaching that I was equal to a piece of chewed up gum.

. . . passed around the circle to be defiled. Nothing like objectifying young people to make a moronic point: "Take a Bite Out of Slime? Never, My Children! Never!"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2017 01:45PM by steve benson.

I don't know... yes? I can't move past this mindfuck either. It seems like I've been working on my self-esteem since I left the church at 18 (I'm 47 now), but still don't seem to have made any progress at all. I don't think I deserve anyone's love; I can't even understand why anyone LIKES me. Even my friends. I figure eventually everyone will figure out the truth, that I'm worthless, and will leave me anyway. So I don't let people get too close to me.

Right now, I am totally hung up on a guy who has his own self-esteem issues so he's got his head up his own ass and treats me like I'm invisible and I don't matter. So of course, I can't get him off my mind.

The guys who like me and act like they care about me? Not interested. The love of my life, who I dumped on Valentine's Day? I didn't think I'd be good enough for him, ever. (And I'm not. He just married his second wife a few months ago.)

I never got married because I knew nobody would ever want me.

And I have no idea how to de-program that shit outta my head. I can't seem to find a good therapist who does CBT and is taking new patients. That's probably the answer. The depression is also making me paralyzed -- I can't pick up the phone to make any appointments. And I don't think there's any point at my age anyway. Who wants some bitter, old, menopausal woman with more issues than National Geographic, no tits, and bad teeth?

I am really fucked up today. Sorry I didn't offer very good support; obviously I need some of my own.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2017 02:51PM by dogzilla.

A Counterintuitive Approach to Living aGood Life" by Mark Manson.

I had my popsicle licked frequently and I thought I was one of the luckiest people alive.

And it didn't screw me up either. Still did the whole TBM thing. Compartmentalization? Probably, but the popcicle didn't mind.

Guilt & Shame (pun alert!) trumps Forgiveness & Repentance in Morland...

just sayin'

Might I gently suggest that part of ditching the mormon way of thinking about sex is to stop using mormon sex terms...?

Like "losing my virginity," and "the guy who took my virginity."

You had sex. That doesn't make you any less (or more) "worthy" than someone who's a virgin. To heal yourself, I suggest you stop using terms that are hurtful to yourself (and other women).

Hey, it's a start.

Amen

I find it interesting that I didn't have sex until I was married, yet grew up with low self-esteem and feeling like no one could ever love me. I didn't ever really kiss anyone till college, and I felt really guilty about doing it. It makes me think that it isn't even the act of having sex that makes a difference. Mormonism is just so full of negativity when it comes to sex, that even if you don't do anything, the negativity still can ruin your self-esteem.

Mormonism is full of negativity when it comes to relationships and love. They do all they can very early in life to undermine any possibility of having a normal loving adult relationship. If you don't do it their way, you're trash forevermore. They never forget it, and they most certainly aren't about to let you forget it.

It's amazing that anyone in that sick religion ever gets married and has children. It's even more amazing if they have a functional relationship. To be perfectly honest, I can't think of one mormon couple that hasn't either divorced, or been on the verge of it for years.

I married a narcissist. I wonder if the mormon doctrine made me a better target for a narc.

With a lot of years under my belt, I'm going to say this:

Sex is just sex. It is not worth all of the angst and guilt that some religious people would attach to it -- especially in this day and age, with highly reliable birth control and condoms to protect from disease. Having said that, a given individual has to find what works best for him or her. I personally believe in a middle ground between repressive chastity and sleeping with the entire football team or cheerleading squad. Young college-age people or 20-somethings will never be fitter, more attractive, or energetic. I say, go out and have some fun.

In time, you will see the guilt for what it is -- a needless bother. Be reasonably honest and caring with your partners about what you have to offer in terms of interest or commitment. That is all that is needed.