........a book about a gay mormon missionary in japan. Its really put me through a mental derailing today. I got to a very dramatic portion and sped read halfway through this chunky book.. And then as I went to work I just had all these flashbacks of my own mission. It caused such a range of emotions. I remembered some of the good memories with my favorite companions. Some of my own "close calls" but also some of my own rage, frustration, faith crisis, inner turmoil.

Sorry to say it did distract me for the rest of the day. Even now Im kind of obsessing and making notes of the major themes in the story so far. Especially the ones I really relate to. Its a good book for me I suppose since I relate to it that much.

However, I also left my mission at the 13th month mark due to the severity of the mission culture... the missionary in the book keeps going. At this point I had all those feelings of failure and regret I had when I first got home. Those caused me to stay "worthy" for a whole 'nother year after.

Its so bizarre how some things from the past can suddenly come on so strong. I haven't been to church in, 3 years now? That last year was awkward as the average Deacon Quorumn's President. Yet today I feel sorry I didn't finish off my mission and see what else could have happened?
Not that I really regret it, but perhaps if things had been a bit different?

I know its futile thinking.

What do you think would be different or want now to be different?Curious why you weren't sent elsewhere to finish your mission....

Gatorman
9-4
20-5

Well I wound up being sent home officially for "medical reasons"

I was told that if I did want to finish my mission when I was "better" and after seeing a psychiatrist, it would still be the same mission. Which to me was as good as telling me not to go back.

Naaah... Wouldn't feel that way. You escaped with more life to live. That's how I see it. I want to go back in time and rescue the poor idiot that was me, and get him out and back in school. It was 2 years wasted, and two years of helping a fraudulent organization to dip its collective hands into the pockets of new recruits.

You were smarter than I was. You got out when you realized how toxic it was. I had the same realization, but "stuck it out."

What did it get me?
9 months more of my life wasted trying to sell a cult to the irreligious French.

Don't regret what you did -- it was smart and courageous. I didn't find that courage until after I got home.

I didnt feel courageous at the time, trust me. I felt simultaneously as if I had just escaped a prison yet also that I had given something important up.

Once I stopped going to church, I found leaving early to be the best decision I could have made at the time, but I guess I just realized how hard it was for that year I stayed an active "believing" member to be an early return RM

Leaving a mission early is not always a straightforward process. It is perferrable, but I guess true courage is leaving the church as well as leaving a mission?

I guess leaving a cult can get pretty complicated sometimes.

nonsequiter Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I didnt feel courageous at the time, trust me.

I know.
However, I'm here to tell you: It was. :)

I think you said it very, very well nonsequiter....

".....leaving a cult can get pretty complicated sometimes."

Plus, I would add a further qualifier....that leaving a cult usually gets very complicated most of the time.

The cult has occupied so very much of your time, your thoughts, and your emotional energy!

Plus, it POUNDS in the guilt and shame with its words and threats laced with fear and innuendo, and does it so well that all involved are not even aware that this is what is is happening.

The MormonCult is clever, cunning, and creative.

Never sell it short because its goal is to reign you and I into its slimy, sticky web which it dresses up to glitter and daze, and the glitter is meant to hide and disguise what REALLY lurks beneath the surface.