My parents were no stellar parents, but something huge they did right by my siblings and me was raise us away from their families and stop attending church. Neither had the guts to officially resign, but us kids had no idea was Mormonism was. In fact, we were sheltered from it so much I never realized Mormons did things like wearing Garments.

My folks had a very dysfunctional marriage. They divorced and remarried other people. I grew up knowing Dad's family very well. They are heavily Mormon, but affluent and even the women were highly educated and encouraged to have careers. Grandma on that side got a Masters degree.

Mom's family, though, is very different. The women are sent to college and then expected to get married (preferably while in college) and do nothing more than have and raise children. Working out of the house was frowned heavily on. This was very strange to find out as my mother put her 3rd husband through college and ran her own business.

I didn't know my mom's family (except for my grandparents on her side) until I was an adult. I'm very thankful for this. She talked me into going to 2 family "reunions" later in life. They were both horrible. Everyone was fake and hyper-competitive. Seeing the community she grew up in was like visiting another country...except other first world countries seem to have more in common with where I grew up than her hometown.

My grandparents (her parents) have since passed away. She's been very close with her siblings since then. Mom never had an easy time making connections with people (beyond myself and my siblings). Wish she'd had put more time into making real friends locally.

Now I'm worried the relationship she has with her siblings—especially her sister (who she was never close to growing up)—is not genuine. I fear they are close with her mostly to try to get her to come back "to the fold"—especially if her marriage fails about (her husband is creepy and spoke terribly about her behind her back). Are my concerns legitimate?

Mormons typically fellowship family members and associates because they are determined to add numbers to their church and reap lavish praise among mormons and extra points with God.

I thought so, Cheryl. A woman pretended to be my friend in an effort to try to convert me a few years ago. I should have put two and two together. We had little in common, but she became super interested in being buddies with me after she found out my family was Mormon, too. I worry so much the same is happening to my mom. :(

It is my belief that Mormon's always have an agenda and are unable to sustain friendship unless you convert and they can have bragging rights. As soon as the conversion is over, all bets are off.

It sounds like your mother is needing friendship right now and the Mormon's (her sister and family) will take/are taking advantage of her vulnerability. If she falls for their love bombing, there is a probability she will learn this and end up hurt and waste her time, money energies.

Somethings it seems have to be experienced as words don't teach, and going back to her roots is something we all try to do sometimes, even though it most often only brings more pain.

Can you besides being a loving caring daughter, expand that to being a loving caring friend and initiate contact with your mother even more? Call her, take her places with you. Find and experience little adventures with her. Make it so she doesn't have time to play in the sandbox with the Mormon's.

Careful not to be too negative about her family to her. That could put her on the defensive. Read more about Mormonism and as you uncover the layers of deception, share bits and pieces of it with your mom but don't get too enmeshed in looking at the dirt. (It can become a real downer if that is all you talk about.)

Keep the sunny side up as much as you can but sometimes looking at the underbelly is unavoidable and can be beneficial. Give your mom lot's of hugs and best of life to you both.

It could also be that your mother misses her family.

As children grow up and become independent, and your mom has been in several bad marriages, she may be just feeling some longing for extended family.

Trying to find a common ground between herself and her siblings may be all she's trying to do, in rekindling some family ties that have suffered.

People you haven't grown up with are going to seem like strangers to you, but they aren't to your mom. To her they're next of kin.

And if they had wanted her in their lives, they'd have taken the trouble to try to make it happen.

Having been included in two family reunions in the not-distant past, and having re-established "close family ties," with her siblings, the OP has described that in fact effort has been made by both sides to be a family again.

However one views the religion of Mormonism isn't really doing justice to the idea that families can maintain civility and mutual respect (it is possible,) even though they had a dysfunctional childhood past.

As people get older there can also be a reawakening to what's most essential in life, as in our relationships with loved ones.

For me, having gone through the empty nest, and now facing my own retirement (and ultimately mortality,) I've been reestablishing my ties to home and family, sans Mormonism aside.

It does become more important, not less, for some people. I identify with OP's mother for the same reason I've been going through that myself.

Doesn't mean I have any intention of returning to Mormonism. It signals to me that I value my relationships with people who I'm related to that I still want in my life, and who value me as a person.

OP should be respectful of her mother's need for family IMO. Someday she'll be where her mom is now, and maybe desirous for her own ties to extended family. Or not. But that's a choice her mom has made for her own mental health, that will hopefully benefit her children longterm.

And are much more indicative than couple of recent events after years of estrangement. This is especially true of mormons who have funny ideas about eternal families and who practice hard-nosed orchestrated missionary tactics.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2017 12:28PM by Cheryl.

Not necessarily true though. There's an awful lot of judgmentalism here without really knowing the full story of her mom or siblings.

They're *in* a close relationship now. Why is that overlooked?

My siblings and I grew up in a dysfunctional LDS home. Half of us are TBM, the other half left TSCC.

Being estranged for years from each other because our jobs/education and families took us miles apart as we forged a life. The separation was in large part because of the nuclear family in society, and the job market. The religion also has played a role, but is not the singular reason we've been estranged.

The cult made a zealot out of one of my brothers. We're still not close because of his fanaticism. But I have sought to re-establish ties where I'm able. And have more cousins than Imelda Marcos had shoes, who are like my substitute sisters because I didn't have any growing up. Most of them are still LDS, some have left like me.

We don't measure each other by our religion, but by our hearts.

It sounds like your mom survived her dysfuntional upbringing by avoiding it, but not really learning about dysfuntion.

Were it me, and I thought it might be beneficial, I would try to find a support group that suited her needs. It sounds like she is in another dysfuntional marriage, and she may be seeking family support to avoid being alone, or even help in escaping this marriage. She now may see a series of failed marriages as a spiritual life-path failure.

Since it is doctrine to be opportunistic, your mom may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

IMHO, she needs healthy guidance, not more dysfuntion. See if she's open to a gentle adult discussion about it. Maybe ask her about her husband, her family. She may not realize why she now feels the need to reconnect with them. If so, you may help her to figure it out.