I will probably get a lot of flak for this, but seriously, if you want to move that TBM wife out of the church, stick to the issues dealing with Truth, and don't go careening into lifestyle changes. You play right into the perception that people leave the church because of low character.

Basically keep your lifestyle the same with the exception of church attendance. Naturally folks point to obvious external reasons to discredit you, so don't give them the ammunition. Jumping into alcohol use or porn is a huge obstacle for a TBM woman because it triggers all of her fears.

Most women, TBM or not, desire to be married to a man of integrity and high character. Granted those requirements vary among people, but I still say that you have a greater chance of success by focusing your changes in areas of abstract truths of the mind and spirit, rather than concrete material matters of the flesh.

Like it or not, most of these women are motivated by inspiration. Justice is highly motivating, so stick to things that appall them about the church such as polygamy and lying for the lord. (Drinking and porn are motivating in the opposite direction for them.)

Stick to motivating their more abstract values, and leave your carnal curiosities on the back burner. (I always wonder why folks are in such a hurry to jump into the LDS taboo areas when it is so obviously threatening to the family members they are ostensibly trying to enlighten.)

Focus on the big picture.

who are leaving to show their parents that they haven't just been grabbed by the devil. You can only break so many 'rules' at once.

There is plenty of time to experiment with freedom after you secure your family (assuming they are people you want to keep around of course).

Such were my intentions, and still are, but I'm just not made of tough enough stuff. Living principles I don't agree with takes its toll from time to time. Then I find myself face to face with the guilt over not being able to set a good enough example for ex-mormonism, and then realize how horrible that approach is, and purge myself of the stupid guilt.

But despite how horrible the approach is, I still try to live by the mormon rules as much as I possibly can, and often am the one setting the better example. It doesn't matter though, as the slip-ups will continually be used as ammunition for why I've lost the spirit. If she only knew how easy it would be for me to go off the deep end, so to speak, but I stay for her.

I understand how hard it is to live up to what you would ideally like to do. Keep doing the best you can, but I want to give you one warning:

The Mormon church programmed us to go off the deep end. How many times did they tell us that if we left the church we would do just that? When I left I had the strongest urges to self-destruct, but used my contrarian nature to fight back. I resisted the urge mightily which was not easy for a time, but soon the tremendous pull basically vanished.

Resistance is not futile my friend. Just keep pushing back and recognize that your mind has been infected so to speak. Become friends with your will and stubbornly reclaim your full powers of choice.

Don't seek to placate her, it won't work. Just work toward being the kind of man you admire, whether she accepts you or not. But the key is to tune into being who you want to be, not the one you are programmed to be. In the church they program you to be a robot, out of the church they still have a hold on you as they have told you you will become a weak-willed loser without them.

Neither option is your own truth I bet. Find your truth and live it.

Tell her you are listening for the Spirit to guide you. Ask her to be patient. As was stated before, stick to very abstract concepts. Women are wired so differently. Justice is important to them, very important. Go slow and grit your teeth.

It took me a long time to convince storm I was sincere but I was the one was leaving the Church. A church she hated immensely, still she needed proof that what I said was sincere.

You have a rough road but you can do it.

Jake

That is the approach I have taken since I decided to quit attending church.

It has saved the marriage, we have agreed to disagree about the church and rarely have a disareeable discussion about the church. There are still alot of discussions, but they stay very civil.

I have all but given up hope that she will ever stop believing. None of the facts ever outweigh her feelings about the church.

The only time I really try to point out the issues is when she is beating herself up over the older kids and myself no longer attending.

I fully agree that apostates play right into the expectations of TBMs...
...and it took me more than two years to drift away from my TBM habits.
I just started drinking occasionally this year.
But, as for keeping old TBM practices in order to win them over?
One of the first things you realize when your testimony collapses is that you're not speshul...and neither are they. Their thinking less of you is their problem, a prejudice.
There's allot of prejudice in the world, and, well, a very many people if not most take their prejudices with them to their grave. And, a very many people tolerate being the objects of prejudice.
So, you gonna keep up the act all your life? You gonna let mormonism control you that way?
My TBM DW was more upset that I expected when I told her I'd had some social drinks. She said it was stupid. I just said that's your prejudice and you can't hold me to a standard that I've said I don't believe in.

my "tbm" wife knows deep down that it's bunk but she would never come out and admit it. I let her vent w/o egging her on when it comes to this issue, she sometimes resides herself to the fact that it is all untrue and then asks me to comfort her, which I do, but I never take the opportunity to pile on, I just tell her life is a journey and we all experience it different, bla bla bla. She of course, stay's true because she was brain washed to believe that being raised in the church is best for the kids, even though she's the first to point out that pushing the church thing will drive kids away, she looks at it like a balancing act. And then of course she doesn't want to disappoint her parents, but they are not as staunch as one might think, esp. considering my FIL is a former Bishop. It's complicated, but she doesn't push me and knows how I feel and doesn't badger me about not being "temple worthy" or any crap like that, so it works for us.