I have been “inactive” on the board for a long time but Eric and a few others knew Gene and I.

I am heartbroken as Gene died on the 13th. of December at UAMS Hospital in Little Rock, Arkansas. He started Chemotherapy here in Florida and when it wasn't giving the expected results he was referred to the Multiple Myeloma Institute in Little Rock. He started treatment in Little Rock in July and in September he had a Stem Cell Transplant for Multiple Myeloma (cancer of the plasma cells in the bone marrow).

The Chemotherapy got rid of the cancer and the Stem Cell Transplant was doing what it was suppose to. He was considered to be at low risk of the myeloma returning and a good candidate for a long remission. Some patients we met were in their 10th. year of remission so we were very hopeful knowing the myeloma cells were gone. However the Chemotherapy which depletes the immune system wreaked havoc on his body and he could not recover from the many complications from the Chemo.

Our first date was to see the Xmas lights on Temple Square :-) Really it was! We were both converts, married in Salt Lake and the following year sealed in the London Temple. We both left that church together but never had our names removed.

Gene was an active duty Officer in the USAF so we moved a fair amount and the last ward we attended was in Germany and when we came back Stateside in the 70s we just never looked up a new ward or have our records transferred from Germany. Gene wanted his name removed from the records but I dragged my feet, it was in the days when they would want you go to a “Court of Love” and I wanted no part of that. Gene was patient and never pushed the issue and we lived our lives completely Mormon free which wasn’t hard to do since neither of us had Mormon family members to contend with and our daughter was 3 years old when we left.

In the 90s we moved to Florida and one evening on the computer I decided to put in Mormon Church in a search engine (the days before Google) and up popped Eric’s website. I called out to Gene and said, “You’ll never guess what I just found!!!!” I think there were maybe 30 or so stories on the site at the time and we read every one. Then I became “active” in the email list and then eventually the board. Finding Eric’s website gave us the chance to share with like minded people exiting from Mormonism. It gave me the courage to finally have my name removed from the records of the church and so we wrote our letters asking to remove our names. Naturally the Church didn't want to make It took about seven months but finally our names were removed.

Plans to attend an Exmo October Conference in Utah was on our bucket list but guess we’ll have to meet everyone in the Telestial Kingdom.

Grief is brutal. The 22nd. of January would have been our 49th. wedding anniversary. Our daughter, Sonnet is staying here with me right now and we walk this grief journey together. Gene was a good man, a great husband, great father and a loyal friend.

I’ve never regretted marrying Gene and I have never regretted leaving the Mormon Church.

Hello, Helen. I am so sorry for your loss. It does sound like you had a long and happy marriage. I'm glad that your daughter is present to comfort you.

In time, you might consider going to the exmo conference by yourself. You would meet a lot of nice people.

Thanks summer. We did have a long and happy marriage.

Yes, it is wonderful having our daughter Sonnet here. When she falls apart I comfort her and when I fall apart she comforts me.

I am a retired Registered Nurse and was a Hospice nurse and used to facilitate Hospice Bereavement groups and I make sure that I don't let my own grief not allow Sonnet her grief as she is grieving the loss of her father. We both are in grief but I don't let myself lose sight of her need to grieve.

Maybe one day I will attend an exmo conference.

Thanks for sharing that news, Helen. I'm very sorry for you loss. It sounds like it was a tremendous one. I'm also very glad you two had a wonderful life together and a lovely daughter who can be near you at this time.

Thanks Devoted Exmo. It was a long and happy union and the grief is deep and brutal but I am taking it one step at a time.

The paper work is overwhelming and I swear it's easier to be born than to die. The paper work seems endless.

At least I haven't had to deal with Mormons and a Bishop who would insist on church doctrine talk at a funeral versus talking honouring Gene's life.

Gene joined the Church for me and went along never complaining and the day I realized I didn't want to work anymore at being Mormon we left. I apologized for putting him through 9 years of Mormonism and his reply, "I loved you." But he sure was happy when I woke up and said "I can't do this (the Church) anymore. And we walked away from that Church together.

Helen.

My sincere condolences.

I will pour a glass of JW Platinum this eve in remembrance.

AmIDarkNow? Thank you. As you pour a glass of JW Platinum I shall pour a glass of Chambord Liqueur in remembrance.

what an incredible story !!! I'm so glad Gene and you made it out of the cult early to enjoy what life has to offer. My condolences to you and sonnet. Stay strong and live for the moment. Stay on this board for the best of humor to lift you up.

Thank you. Yes, we enjoyed many years out of the Church and had a long and happy life together. Life is present moment, only moment. And we are doing our grief that way, we'll have moments that bring us to tears and then moments that have us laughing. We had a lot of fun together as a family and memories are the salve to our grief.

Oh Helen, I am SO sorry to hear this. I have wondered about you and Gene and Sonnet and how you were doing. I thoroughly loved meeting you several years ago in Atlanta and spending the weekend getting to know you. And I know others also thought y'all were the highlight of our get together. I loved your relationship. You made me laugh and made me feel like I'd known you forever.

Love to you and your family. One of my favorite sayings--a line from an old movie is "how lucky I am to have known someone or something, that saying goodbye to is so damn awful." I know this must really be damn awful. The only thing you have on your side is time and wonderful memories. But until times starts its healing (it never completely heals the scars), allow yourself to grieve. It's a process and you can't rush it. But know you have a community of people who hold you close in their hearts.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2017 04:31PM by NormaRae.

Dear NormaRae. How we loved that weekend in Atlanta. I remember it felt like we had known each other forever. Yes Gene and I did have a good relationship.

Thanks for that favourite saying and it's true that I was fortunate to have our love for all those years but the downside is saying goodbye and it is damn awful.

The wound of grief will develop scar tissue and the memories are salve to the grief but naturally life will never be the same again.

I'm sending my love and warm wishes in your time of grief.

I know you as a wise and wonderful poster and know you must be feeling your loss deeply.

Stem cell transplants are rigorous at best even though they can produce miracles. My dear younger exmo sister died after her second transplant experience no so long ago. It was wrenching to see her suffer so. She had stage four mantle cell lymphoma which is similar to your DH's ailment. At the hospital, nurses often assumed she had multiple myeloma which made me think they were probably similar in severity and treatment.

I'm sorry these patients must suffer as they do and I admire their care givers who must be tireless and committed 100%. DH and I filled in to help with my sister's care when her husband needed a well earned break or had important tasks to attend to. I took all of the training as a care giver but was never called on to give her shots or fix her machines in any emergencies or blackouts. She had to live in an apartment near the hospital and wear a Darth Vader mask much of the time. The treatments left her weak and worn out.

Perhaps that's what you lived through as well.

My best good healing thoughts are with you. I'm glad someone is keeping you company for now. Do take care.

Love, Cheryl

Dear Cheryl, thank you for sending love and warm wishes.Yes, the loss is deep and heart wrenching.

My heartfelt condolences to you in the death of your dear younger sister. How fortunate you and your husband were able to help with her care and give some respite to her husband.

Stem Cell Transplant can produce miracles but the Chemo is brutal and it was the complications from the Chemo that Gene could not recover from. Yes MM (Multiple Myeloma) and MCL (Mantle Cell Lymphoma) are both diseases that arise from B cells. There were patients who had both at the Myeloma Ward Gene was on. They are both similar in severity and treatment. He was so weak from the treatments and had great difficulty eating anything.

I am a retired Registered Nurse and could have taken care of him at home but he never got to leave the hospital. The hope was that he would go to Rehab first and then we would travel back to our home in Florida but he never got to leave the hospital.

It is good having our daughter here with me and we walk the grief journey together. I used to facilitate Hospice Bereavement groups and I make sure that I don't let my own grief not allow Sonnet her grief as she is grieving the loss of her father. We both are in grief but I don't let myself lose sight of her need to grieve. We comfort each other. We have lots of sad moments that he isn't here but also happy ones that make us laugh as we remember.

Thank you for sending your best healing thoughts.

Love, Helen

Helen, I'm so sorry to hear your news, it must have been devastating for you. I hope that you and your daughter are able to take comfort from the wonderful memories you have of Gene. Stay strong, and know that your friends here on RFM are thinking of you.

Thank you looking in. It was devastating as he was a good candidate for the Stem Cell Transplant and his Multiple Myeloma was still considered low risk so we were hopeful for a good outcome.

We knew the treatment was going to be aggressive and recovery would be several months. What was so upsetting was the Chemo got rid of the Multiple Myeloma but gave him so many complications he couldn't recover.

We do have wonderful memories and they help ease us through the difficult moments of the intense loss we feel.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad that you and your daughter can share the grieving journey together and support each other.

Thank you kativicky. It is good my daughter and I are together to walk this grief journey together. She is our only child and we have years of good memories. So even though there are many moments longing for his presence we also have years of good memories.

We found the EXMO BB at the same time. May you find peace and joy as you move forward.

HH =-(

Thanks. I remember that and remember how I loved your tagname.

Dear Helen, I am so sorry for your loss. Words can't express what you have gone through.
I am so grateful to hear of such a successful exmo lifetime full of travel, career, and a lifelong companionship both into and through the temple, and out of the church for the rest of your life together. What verve, Joy, and comfort you created, even caring for him until the end. Care giver and friend, life love and companion, more real -than that temple seal, life revealed you two, were the real deal.
Please accept my most sincere condolences at your most grievous loss.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2017 03:55PM by paintinginthewin.

Dear paintinginthewin,

Thank you for such a kind response.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and lifelong companion.

Happy for you that you had so many years together of a good marriage and family life.

((((Hugs))))

Thanks for the ((((Hugs)))).

Yes, we had so many good years together.

Condolences and best wishes to you and your loved ones, Helen. So sorry for your loss. It's good that your daughter is there with you...to accompany you through the grieving process. Hugs to you. You are loved here.

Thank you for your kind message edzachery.

May you find peace and joy in the wonderful memories from your life together.

Sending warm hugs your way.

Thank you presleynfactsrock for your warm hugs. Yes, we have so many wonderful memories that are a salve to our grief.

Helen,
Im so very sorry to hear of Gene's death. You are right, grief is brutal. Im dealing with the unexpected death of my mother just a few months ago.

It's still brutal. Be kind to your self.

Thank you angela.

My heartfelt condolences in the death of your mother and the grief seems even more overwhelming when the death is not expected.

My husband was very ill but making slow progress and was up in the sunroom playing cards with us on Friday, doing physical therapy and hopeful but got "hit" with another complication from the chemo and died Tuesday. The plan was to get him to Rehab in Little Rock and then bring him home to Florida for an eight to ten week break for rest and recovery before returning to Arkansas for a check-up.

I know grief is brutal for a while as we go through the process. And you be kind to yourself too on your grief journey. ((((HUGS))))

Helen, I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you. Scott.

Thanks Scott.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope the memory of the many wonderful (and non-mormon!) years you spent together helps your grief, but I know those memories can't replace having the love of your life at your side.
I wish I could give you a big hug...!

All my best wishes for you and your daughter.

Thank you ificouldhietokolob. Ah the memories are sweet and help yet it brings up the grief of missing him.

I got your cyber hug.....thanks.

I'm so sorry Helen. I heard the sad news today from NormaRae. We're so sorry that you've lost Gene, but I'm very glad that I got to know you two when we got together a couple of years ago.

Thanks cludgie. That was a fun weekend in Atlanta hanging out with you and NormaRae and the others.

Missing Gene is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Helen, I'm sending my best thoughts. I'm sorry you lost your best fiend!

I've always enjoyed your posts here. I'm glad you felt you could share with us about your loss.

A life lived well.

Thanks dagny. Yes, he was my best friend.

I enjoyed your posts too, logical and factual.

Are you still in the South? When we moved to the South it was an adjustment for us. If you you are not Born Again and Republican it took some time finding people who didn't want to convert us to their religion or politics.

Yep. Still in the South for a while.

My concern for you is when your daughter leaves and you are alone. I remember when my dad died. My mom seemed OK as long as she had people around. She was in shock for a while. It didn't sink in just what the impact would be for all of us.

There was a rough year as we all adapted. Tears, laughter at great memories, wondering where dad kept certain tools. The voids in my mom's life had to be addressed over time.

Please let us know how you are doing periodically. I know SusieQ and others can relate having gone through a similar loss.

Perhaps it would be helpful for those not "in the know" to be told who Gene and Helen are, and their obviously long involvement in the exmormon world?

Last name?

I can relate to the difficulty and hard times. My husband died after 50 + years of marriage Jan 2013. It's been four years getting used to my "new normal." It has gotten easier as time goes on.
Glad your daughter is there with you. My middle son is my "roomie" now and he's a great help.

I too found RFM not many years after Eric put up the first pages. I think it was about 1999. It's been a life saver for so many.

I too was a convert, married in the Logan Temple. (Husband was out of the military at that point.)

My best wishes. So sorry for your loss. Lots of folks here, care!

Thanks SusieQ#1. I remember when your husband died and that you had a long marriage.

We would have been married 49 years and he died 3 days before what would have been the 50th. anniversary of our first date. We always celebrated that anniversary as well as our wedding anniversary.

I am just beginning my "new normal"and at present am sitting with the heart wrenching grief and getting to all the necessary paper work that needs attending to.

Helen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------


Oh yes. The paperwork! It took me over six months to get everything in my name! Fortunately, we had a "Living Will" etc. which helped a lot. I am still getting mail addressed to him.

I credit Hospice for helping me to be so well prepared. Plus my own understanding of his illness and the likely outcome. I mis judged the time span. Much shorter than I anticipated. My children were well prepared also. This helped me with my grief and how I moved forward.
I found it goes get easier.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/27/2017 02:38PM by SusieQ#1.

SusieQ#1,

We had a "Living Will" and Gene had everything filed like Life Insurance,IRA,Tax returns, Social Security info, etc., etc. All the papers I'd need.You are right about being prepared.

He was a USAF active duty Officer for 11 years and USAF reserve Officer for 11 years plus 30 years Civilian with The US Army Department of Defence so the paperwork is daunting even with what I need it has to all be filled out and signed, sealed and delivered. Fortunately the services at the Air Base have great personnel to assist me with the many forms.

I am a retired Registered Nurse....Pediatric/MedicalSurgical/ Psychiatry and a Hospice nurse the last 4 years before I retired. I was not worried about taking care of him and was prepared for that but he could not recover from the complications of the massive dose of Chemo he got before the Stem Cell Transplant and died in the hospital.

I know it will get easier but grief is brutal and I shall never get over missing him but the spot in my heart that is his will eventually get some scar tissue around it and the reminders of him that pop up everywhere won't be as wrenching as they are now. So I sit with my grief, I meditate and I keep going one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Wishing you great peace and calm. You will see Gene again, of this I'm certain. And it will be a blissful reunion of true love.

What I said above is NOT "Mormon". There is other knowledge out there too.

Peace be upon you, Helen.

Thanks A Reader.

So terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for telling your story. Blessings to you and your daughter.

Ron Burr

Thanks Ron. Before my husband had to start Chemotherapy we had a great trip to my home in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Lovely having that memory.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2017 01:16AM by Helen.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and Gene had a wonderful life together. Peace be with you and Sonnet.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2017 03:05AM by knotheadusc.

Thank you so much knotheadusc for recognizing our grief and wishing peace be with us. Lots of sadness but there are moments of peace. Grief is a journey.

Carrie and I enjoyed socializing with you and Gene years ago. We're sorry for your loss, hon.

We enjoyed our time with you too. Adjusting to life without Gene is difficult for sure.

I always enjoyed your posts and remember you gave me the info I was wanting about the Danites. I named you the Encyclopedia of Mormon History.

Helen, I am so sorry for your loss. May you and your lovely daughter heal quickly from this deep loss.
I wish I knew you in person to talk with you and to comfort you right now.
Love, from Aquarius

Helen, I am so sorry about your loss. You struck a chord with me as I was in USAF stationed in Wiesbaden 1974 - 1978. We were very active in the Church - our paths may have crossed.

It took us longer to break the ties with the Mormon Church. I sort of drifted away but my wife, a convert, came home one day from an anthropology class (Return to school after children were older) and announced religion is man made and she never went back. We just celebrated wedding #47.

I know you must grieve but I hope you heal and have many years yet to come.

Hi hgc, Thanks for the condolences.

I bet our paths did cross in Wiesbaden.

Congratulations to you on #47 wedding anniversary.

Terribly sad news. Condolences to you and your daughter.

Tom in Paris

Thanks Tom. Yes it is sad but we'll walk through it one foot in front of the other.

Sending love to you and Sonnet x

You've all been through so much, but I'm glad you had so long with one of life's good guys.

Thanks Kendal Mint Cake. I did have a good life with a really good guy.

Dear Aquarius, Your message touches my heart. Thank you.

Dear Helen, I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your dear husband from Multiple Myeloma. I wish you great comfort and healing in this saddest time of mourning.

My Salt Lake City born mother and grandmother too died from this, back in 1992 and 1974 respectively. They were only both around 65 years old at their passings.

I am happy to hear that you both lived a long and beautiful life together and that your love created a lovely daughter that will be at your side. Being a hospice nurse and having all that experience and wisdom will bring you some measure of comfort, but losing the love of your life is unfathomable. I send you and your daughter my deepest condolences on your grievous loss and the biggest, warmest hugs from this MexMom.

Dear MexMom,

Thank you for your kind message and wishes for comfort and healing.

I am Sorry to hear your mother and grandmother also had Multiple Myeloma. There have been many advances in the treatment and people from at least 58 countries have gone to the Myeloma Institute in Little Rock, Arkansas for treatment.

It was hard being 600 miles away from our home but we had such hope and Gene was a good candidate for the Stem Cell Transplant. But like I said in my post, they got the cancer but he couldn't recover from all the complications from the aggressive Chemotherapy.

Yes, being a Hospice Nurse and having done medical/surgical and psychiatric nursing I knew I could take good care of him and we were so hoping to have him home recuperating and wouldn't have to return to Arkansas for at least 10 weeks. Yes, he was the love of my life.

Thank you for the biggest, warmest hugs.

Helen, so sorry to here about this.

My best wishes to you and Sonnet.

Thank you matt for the wishes. Taking it a day at a time. Grief is tough.

Sounds like you guys had a great life together, close to 50 years is a hell of a journey most people can`t get too props for keeping it strong and finding your way out of the church together.

Thanks rolled tacos on a Sunday. It really was a good almost 50 years and I am so happy we left the church together. We were both converts and he really joined to marry me.He was so supportive and I knew he didn't really believe it and I certainly had some issues with some of the teachings but we tried to be good Mormons. We spent 9 years in the Church. He loved it the day he came home from the base and I said, "I can't do this anymore. It's time to leave the church." Right away he went and had LDS taken off his dog-tags :-) I miss him like crazy.

Sincere condolences Helen on the passing of your beloved Gene.

Sad to hear, condolences to you!!!