I've been thinking about officially resigning for almost a year now. I've been fully inactive for about 7 years. My wonderful ex-Mormon husband has said he will support me either way but I can't seem to pull the trigger. The guilt rises each time I go to mail in my letter. I worry my family will find out and give me grief. Any thoughts or encouragement?

Go for it.

Consider it your sign to he world that you are not beholden to others, but can stand up for yourself.

If you've been inactive for 7 years, the only thing stopping you is your own resolve. Something is holding you back. Whether it's family, or ambivalence, you haven't reached the breaking point of "no return."

So long as you're fine living in limbo, then leave things as they are.

I reached my breaking point, and had no choice but to resign.

Each person's mileage varies depending on personal factors leading up to your decision.

It should be your own though, and not dependent on what someone else thinks about it. Don't let anyone pressure you into resigning against your will. When you're ready you'll know, and won't require any further encouragement.

I'm sorry, I can see by what I wrote why it might seem like I'm being pressured into resigning. My husband is fine with limbo and actually prefers it I think. I'm more uncomfortable with limbo but you make some really good points. Obviously something is holding me back and I should figure out what that is.

It really boils down to a very personal decision on your part. Since your husband is a never Mo, he may not understand the degree to which the cult has control over lives, since he hasn't actually lived it.

Being able to break free can take years. For me it took resolve to resign, a huge resolve that didn't happen overnight.

When it did, there was no turning back. My nostalgia for "the good old days" of growing up LDS was cured by certain schmucks who generally the worst of the lot from my experience were converts to Mormonism (not that the lifers can't be as bad.) The entire Mormon experience can be summed up in the human relationships of love/hate, martyrs, and persecution of each other to the depths of hell and back.

People where I'd worshiped for years told me unequivocally when I left once when my children were still in grade school, asked me what had kept me so long? They told me they would've left long before I did based on all the persecution I endured as a single mother by the leaders of our local congregation. They were horrible to me and my children. Had I not believed it was the "only true" church, surely I would've left before I did. I held a leadership role while there myself, which seemed to subject me to more scrutiny because of my marital status. The women especially were vile (the insecure women; not all of them were that way.)

I was even persecuted for being a BIC Mormon from Idaho, transplanted to the NE, by a convert who liked to bully other women because her husband was high ranking. She'd been married and divorced to him twice - and complained all the time how abusive he was to her behind his back. So two-faced, he didn't even realize how chameleon like she was, she had a lizard tongue (and still does. The years have not changed her, only cemented her ugly, ugly personality. I ran into her on FB through a mutual friend. For the first time in many years I finally had the courage to tell that woman off. She's been quiet since. :)

As one of my LDS friends of yore used to tell me he knew the Mormon church was either 100% true or 100% false based on how much the members persecuted each other. He was a Catholic convert, who had never witnessed as much persecution intra-church anywhere else as he has as a Mormon.

Having just read your bio here, just want to say "welcome to the RfM community," Beckyannawesome.

Hope you find the support and encouragement you need to help you on your path. It's good you have a helpmate that understands the unique pressures of having been LDS.

Peace.

I still have to officially resign as well I just know it's going to be a big showdown to get it done cause they will find me if I make the move.

Once you officially resign you will be bothered less, not more.

So long as your records are on the books, you'll be treated as an inactive.

By resigning you effectively take back control over your autonomy.

But then living where you do in a Mormon bubble, it may be best to play along with the neighbors etc, until you move away from there.

If I were living back in Pocatello I'd feel like a fish out of water, even though my religious affiliation has a congregation there. They also welcome LDS visitors. Because I'm a hybrid, it seems my having been raised LDS will always be a part of my identity no matter where I end up.

I came close to buying a house when visiting St George in January. One of my would be neighbors whom I met while there, flat out invited me to the singles ward for older people. That was after telling him I wasn't LDS but something else. There's a disconnect with these people.

It's presumptious to assume that a single person is "in the market," because she or he is single. Let alone interested in attending a singles ward for old folks lol.

That is just wrong! My dad went to one of those in Idaho Falls after him and my mom were divorced. He hated them with a passion! He had so many women hanging on his shirt sleeve, he had to shake them off like flies!

Haha I think you know exactly what I'm dealing with here in Pocatello.

Becky, if you love your husband, then make every decision in a way that is designed to strengthen your marriage, and make the love burn brighter between you. Even the little things.

So, if you love him, follow what he has done. If he is an "ex-Mormon", then become an "ex-Mormon" by resigning. Join him fully. Be a united family, even in all the little things.

Nevin

So if hubby were TBM, she should under no circumstances leave Mormonism? Your argument sounds an awful lot to me like the "keep sweet" concept in the FLDS. Blech!

She can either choose to be a family, or choose to not be a family. But I think it is folly to go half way on anything. At all. Whether with school, work, family, church, or anything. Go all in, or get out. Life's too short to play "half way" games.

Just my opinion.

Nevin

I agree that as a wife I should try to make decisions with my husband in mind. I disagree that I must "follow him" to have a happy and successful marriage.

My marriage is happy and successful regardless of religious status because it is built on a foundation stronger than that of religion. It is built on mutual respect for one another in spite of our differences.

For argument's sake let's say I resign but in 10 years my husband chooses to return to church. We would need to have conversations about what that might mean for our family dynamic but those conversations would be done with a respect for each other's opinions, regardless if we agree.

Real love means embracing the differences between us. If one or both must conform to accept each other the love will not be lasting.

You don't have to follow him. He doesn't have to follow you. But if you are not truly united, I wouldn't bet a nickel on the long term success of your marriage.

And yes, you can be united and still have separate tastes on a great many things. But true love does not come by staring into each others eyes. Instead, true love comes when both of you are looking in the same direction. So, go in the same direction, whenever possible.

In my own opinion, the church doesn't matter -- at all -- in comparison to the value of a good marriage. And if the church truly doesn't matter, and if you love your husband, then just be with him. Even on the little things. And that will make him want to be with you even more, again even on the little things. And it will bring you together, and strengthen the marriage, and strengthen the love. That's what matters.

Nevin

A quick update on me.

I've had my completed resignation forms waiting on my signature for 7 months. After thinking about it nearly non-stop for the last 2 months I finally took the leap. I signed and submitted the papers today!

I'm still a bit concerned about the aftermath when/if my family discovers my decision but it feels like a weight has been lifted. I am finally taking the actions to live life on my terms.

Today is a good day!

Congrats! Yay for you!!!

I wondered about this reply if only because were beckyann to change her identity to conform closer to her husband's leanings, she gives up a part of her identity in order to do that.

Also, if husband were to join a different cult, would it be in her best interest (or his,) to go along with him for the sake of familial harmony?

Shared values are one thing. Even losing ourselves to service born from love is another.

But to lose our sense of self and identity in order to please someone seems to me like a giveaway. It isn't worth the price IMO.

:)

That's really the thing with TSCC. You're asked to give waaaay too much for what you get in return.

"The percentage you're paying is too high price, and you're living beyond all your means..."

I mentally quit believing 50 years ago but stayed active until 30 years ago when my wife on her own decided all religion was man made. We quietly dropped out and haven't been back. We haven't been bothered by the Church except a few years ago when we moved into a retirement community and our records caught up with us. We wrote a polite letter to the Bishop asking to be left alone and that has been honored since.

Two advantages to still being on the records: We don't have to explain anything at family gatherings and it helps with genealogical research. (We do for interest, nothing to do with temple work).

I sort of like keeping the connection. Don't know exactly why. You don't have to explain to anyone but yourself with either action.

This is a very personal decision and no one else is allowed to set any limits on you in any way, shape, or form.

I don't bother resigning because I'm not afraid of Mormons. As they are, I once was. As I am, they may become. I like visits and sharing my perspective with them, which usually results in no visits for many years.

Believe it or not, the church never did, and never will, have any control over you, unless you allow it. That won't change with resigning.

In fact, the act of resigning gives them power over you - the ability to cut you off from eternal blessings, or whatever threats or BS they come up with to feel powerful.

I delayed for years. It was amazing how relieved I felt after I was finally out. Just by having my name on the records, I was showing support for the church. Truly one of the best decisions I have made.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2017 12:14PM by Atari.

I read this after I made a similar post tonight. If my husband was supportive and totally fine with me resigning, I would.

Your immediate family is your main concern. Others are less important.

I would like to point out that officially resigning is a mere formality. Members were quitting and turning into exmos from the time of Joe Smith until now. The court case that forced the church to come up with a reasonable resignation procedure does not require the exmo to follow it to leave the church. It's just a procedure that's easy and makes one's intentions clear.

Whenever *you* decide you're no longer a member is the moment you stop being one.

Welcome out! Without a doubt.