Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
I felt more alone as a Mormon than I've been as an ex-Mo.
Since I enjoy my own company, and find things to do that keep me entertained and occupied, I don't really ever feel alone even when I am alone. Solace and loneliness to me are two separate concepts.
There's an old book called "How to be your own best friend," that you might benefit from. You can probably find it on Amazon or Kindle. It's an easy read. Another good article I saw last week applies to many today who are so connected to the internet, but not to each other. It's titled, "The Growing Problem of Social Isolation, and What to Do About It," could easily apply to many of us. Millenials seem more affected maybe than the rest of us since you've been exposed to this new kind of wiring since pre-school.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lena-aburdene-derhally/the-growing-problem-of-so_b_9847990.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003
Since I enjoy my own company, and find things to do that keep me entertained and occupied, I don't really ever feel alone even when I am alone. Solace and loneliness to me are two separate concepts.
There's an old book called "How to be your own best friend," that you might benefit from. You can probably find it on Amazon or Kindle. It's an easy read. Another good article I saw last week applies to many today who are so connected to the internet, but not to each other. It's titled, "The Growing Problem of Social Isolation, and What to Do About It," could easily apply to many of us. Millenials seem more affected maybe than the rest of us since you've been exposed to this new kind of wiring since pre-school.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lena-aburdene-derhally/the-growing-problem-of-so_b_9847990.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003
I know you're talking about a religion. The question could just as well be about staying in an unhappy marriage. That I can speak to. The answer is no. It is not better to stay. To stay is to give up hope of a happier life. There are few things lonelier than a loveless marriage. At times I’ve been alone but I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been happy and I’ve had the opportunity to do some amazing and very fulfilling things that would have been impossible if I were still married. Give yourself a chance at happiness. I wish you the best.
It's OK to be alone. Nothing is worth being in a situation that is not where you want to be.
If my wife were Mormon and I needed to stay in some capacity to stay with her, I would, Fortunately she sees through the bullshit even more than I do. She also says she would be Mormon to some degreee if that were the only way of staying with me. since neither of us believes, we don't have to.
Has your family shunned you?
It can sometimes be challenging to make new friends as an adult. For that reason, I think that life post-college is tougher than many would admit. My recommendation would be to look for non-Mormon roommates who won't care about how you spend your Sundays, what underwear you choose, or what you drink. Look for friends at work, in your apartment building, and while pursuing favorite hobbies or sports.
To make a friend, issue an invitation. I usually start with a general invitation, i.e. would you like to get together sometime? If there is interest, then the next time I will issue a specific invitation to go out to a movie or an event. People love invitations! It makes them feel desirable. Even if the friendship ultimately doesn't work out, no one will think badly of you for inviting them somewhere.
As for family, all you can do is to try to be as loving and accepting as possible. My mom and I were very different people, but we "agreed to disagree" about many things. We focused on love and shared bonds instead. All you can do is try your best.
I wish you luck and do keep us in the loop.
To make a friend, issue an invitation. I usually start with a general invitation, i.e. would you like to get together sometime? If there is interest, then the next time I will issue a specific invitation to go out to a movie or an event. People love invitations! It makes them feel desirable. Even if the friendship ultimately doesn't work out, no one will think badly of you for inviting them somewhere.
As for family, all you can do is to try to be as loving and accepting as possible. My mom and I were very different people, but we "agreed to disagree" about many things. We focused on love and shared bonds instead. All you can do is try your best.
I wish you luck and do keep us in the loop.
Depends...if you are straight and married with kids, perhaps. If not, don't bother...
If you care about your kids, also don't bother.
We ex-Mormons need to undo the Mormon brainwashing! I had to go to a therapist, finally!
There are a lot of superstitions that stick with us, in a sneaky way, long after we leave.
One of these many false ideas, is the idea that the world outside of Mormonism is lonely, or even hostile! This is wrong! I have found more love outside of the cult, than I ever had in it--and that includes any dysfunctional, so-called love coming from my TBM family.
Mormons don't believe in unconditional love. They make the members believe that there isn't any love at all, outside of the love that must be EARNED within the Mormon cult. This big lie keeps members wanting to belong to the group, and keeps them paying big money to stay in the group.
Another big lie is that in order for you to be useful and valuable, you must have lots of friends. This is part of the Mormon recruiting program. "Every member a missionary." "Invite your non-Mormon friends and neighbors." A member who helps bring a convert into the cult is honored.
The average man has 2-3 good friends. The average woman has 3-4. Not hundreds. Not a whole chapel full of friends.
You are not alone, because there are wonderful people all around you. The ones who will really help you are the firefighters, EMT's, doctors, nurses, dentists, surgeons, specialists, ER personnel, therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, teachers, volunteers, people who man the suicide hotlines, AAA sponsors, and the list goes on. None of these are Mormons.
Mormons, and Mormon so-called friends, made my life WORSE. They added to any problem, by berating me for it. For example, they blamed me, completely, for my divorce. They said it is the woman's fault if her husband wanders into the arms of another woman. (Multiple affairs of a sex-addict who preys on women's weaknesses?) When I was sick and couldn't attend church for a few months, I was told that God was punishing me with the illness. I was not doing anything wrong, so they accused me of maybe asking too many questions, or not "drawing near enough in my heart" to The Gospel. I was threatened that if I didn't go to church, I would get SICKER. Do you have any idea of the harm those threats did to me, when I was single and living alone and frightened, and in terrible pain?
I have to say it--"with friends like that, who needs enemies?"
There are a lot of superstitions that stick with us, in a sneaky way, long after we leave.
One of these many false ideas, is the idea that the world outside of Mormonism is lonely, or even hostile! This is wrong! I have found more love outside of the cult, than I ever had in it--and that includes any dysfunctional, so-called love coming from my TBM family.
Mormons don't believe in unconditional love. They make the members believe that there isn't any love at all, outside of the love that must be EARNED within the Mormon cult. This big lie keeps members wanting to belong to the group, and keeps them paying big money to stay in the group.
Another big lie is that in order for you to be useful and valuable, you must have lots of friends. This is part of the Mormon recruiting program. "Every member a missionary." "Invite your non-Mormon friends and neighbors." A member who helps bring a convert into the cult is honored.
The average man has 2-3 good friends. The average woman has 3-4. Not hundreds. Not a whole chapel full of friends.
You are not alone, because there are wonderful people all around you. The ones who will really help you are the firefighters, EMT's, doctors, nurses, dentists, surgeons, specialists, ER personnel, therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, teachers, volunteers, people who man the suicide hotlines, AAA sponsors, and the list goes on. None of these are Mormons.
Mormons, and Mormon so-called friends, made my life WORSE. They added to any problem, by berating me for it. For example, they blamed me, completely, for my divorce. They said it is the woman's fault if her husband wanders into the arms of another woman. (Multiple affairs of a sex-addict who preys on women's weaknesses?) When I was sick and couldn't attend church for a few months, I was told that God was punishing me with the illness. I was not doing anything wrong, so they accused me of maybe asking too many questions, or not "drawing near enough in my heart" to The Gospel. I was threatened that if I didn't go to church, I would get SICKER. Do you have any idea of the harm those threats did to me, when I was single and living alone and frightened, and in terrible pain?
I have to say it--"with friends like that, who needs enemies?"
It's a pleasure to be at home with no interruptions doing whatever I want to do.
I thought leaving mormonism would mean I'd be alone and lonely possibly forever. The idea bothered me but was preferable to living in the mormon construct with my life belonging to a cult.
Happily, leaving the mormon church opened up a place for new friends and experiences. The transition wasn't easy but it was satisfying and doable. Within the year, I met a non-mormon and started serious dating. We've been married for 50 years. I learned to get along and love the nonmormon world.
This year is the first one for not receiving annoying Christmas messages about returning to mormonism. Every mormon I once knew has died or finally given up. I'm free.
I thought leaving mormonism would mean I'd be alone and lonely possibly forever. The idea bothered me but was preferable to living in the mormon construct with my life belonging to a cult.
Happily, leaving the mormon church opened up a place for new friends and experiences. The transition wasn't easy but it was satisfying and doable. Within the year, I met a non-mormon and started serious dating. We've been married for 50 years. I learned to get along and love the nonmormon world.
This year is the first one for not receiving annoying Christmas messages about returning to mormonism. Every mormon I once knew has died or finally given up. I'm free.
You can and will find your own replacement family and friends. The world is full of good people, but you have to put yourself where they are in some way, to meet them.
Is it better to live a lie in order to placate those around you? Maybe, in certain situations, like if your life literally depends on it. But in most situations, living a lie has such a heavy cost over the years that it does far more harm than losing some false friends.
Frustrating as their behavior has been, I would guess that your parents (if you are talking about them) really do love you. And that, given time, they may well learn to follow their own religion's tenets rather than caving in to anger and bitterness.
In the meanwhile, get out there and meet new people. Volunteer. Join clubs. Anything that lets you meet other worthwhile people. And then, approach them with open friendliness. "The only way to have a friend is to be one." Emerson was right about that. If you don't want to be alone, open your life up to others, and keep right on doing it, no matter how long it takes. It's rare for true, lasting friendships to happen instantly. It takes time. I know how hard it is to *wait* when you are young, but you can do that.
Is it better to live a lie in order to placate those around you? Maybe, in certain situations, like if your life literally depends on it. But in most situations, living a lie has such a heavy cost over the years that it does far more harm than losing some false friends.
Frustrating as their behavior has been, I would guess that your parents (if you are talking about them) really do love you. And that, given time, they may well learn to follow their own religion's tenets rather than caving in to anger and bitterness.
In the meanwhile, get out there and meet new people. Volunteer. Join clubs. Anything that lets you meet other worthwhile people. And then, approach them with open friendliness. "The only way to have a friend is to be one." Emerson was right about that. If you don't want to be alone, open your life up to others, and keep right on doing it, no matter how long it takes. It's rare for true, lasting friendships to happen instantly. It takes time. I know how hard it is to *wait* when you are young, but you can do that.
I can remember sitting in a rented flat in a university town, working 2 jobs and feeling a bit lonely when I convinced myself that one day I would look back on that time as 'pleasantly quiet'. I was right. I have thought back to that solitude a bit longingly although I would never trade in my life now for the quiet and peaceful (lonely?) one I had then.
A few years after that flat (apartment), I was in a different one in a different part of town and I came to the conclusion that my outlook in life was okay - almost mid 30s, younger siblings married but I was still single - I came to peace with the idea that I would be the mad spinster aunt and never marry and have kids of my own. I was less of a people pleaser by then than I had been earlier, I had gotten over my need to please others (thanks young women's program from 1980s). I was acceptably content in my solitude, dated occasionally, but did not hold any real desire to have a relationship with a significant other who may try to change the direction of my life without my explicit consent. (I had had a few terrible relationships due to the brainwashing of mormon youth programs). I was finally strong enough to not be willing to bend myself to 'fit' a role in the way the youth program taught us girls to do - I finally was empowered enough to say 'no' when I needed to, and the express my opinions without fear of being disagreed with - my sanity was worth more to me than false friendships.
The previous posters are correct, living authentically is far far better for your psyche and long term health than trying to believe something you do not, just to please others.
Embrace your insanity - live for yourself and you will earn the admiration of others, perhaps even rebuild your self- respect. When you are your own best friend people become attracted to you without your realising. TSCC never taught us how to love and accept our own true selves: they wanted us to fit their mould and they enlisted our families to assist them with their borg-like assimilation. It takes time to undo this brain rot, but it can be done and it is worth the pain and effort.
It was after I had developed a healthy skepticism about people in general but protected my personal spaces when I met and was 'wooed' by my now husband. He would never have been attracted to the person I once was - he loved the person I had become after the years of introspection and the development of a strong sense of self-respect. I did not trust him for quite some time at first as it seemed we shared too many 'ideals' and I thought that perhaps he was 'bending to fit' me, but was happily proven wrong on that one.
You are too young to marry yet, no matter what you have been trained to think. If you are lonely it is because you are growing up and finally cutting all apron strings and regaining (or forming for the first time) your integrity and your principles for living.
Do not doubt your choices that take you down hard paths - the hard way is usually the correct way to proceed. A former sales manager once told me 'the easy option is always the wrong option - the hard way always brings the best results' and I think this relates well to life in general.
You can do this CD and you will never be lonely when you have your brother, who has shared your upbringing and brainwashing, to be your best friend and confidant through life. This is more than some people who appear popular ever have in their own lives: someone who truly understands them, warts and all and wants the best for them.
Loneliness is a bit like happiness, we choose our mode of transport for life and it can be either isolating (breeding loneliness) or it can be pleasant and you can be happy whilst you travel along making real connections with people rather than sharing a common belief and being 'fake friends'.
No, it would not be worth it to have just stayed, because my life would never have been as fulfilled as it is now with authentic relationships, without the church's interference in said relationships. When you do become a father your kids will not be indoctrinated to confide in church leaders instead of their father - you have saved any future descendants from a life of mental slavery. Be proud of what you have achieved so far. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
A few years after that flat (apartment), I was in a different one in a different part of town and I came to the conclusion that my outlook in life was okay - almost mid 30s, younger siblings married but I was still single - I came to peace with the idea that I would be the mad spinster aunt and never marry and have kids of my own. I was less of a people pleaser by then than I had been earlier, I had gotten over my need to please others (thanks young women's program from 1980s). I was acceptably content in my solitude, dated occasionally, but did not hold any real desire to have a relationship with a significant other who may try to change the direction of my life without my explicit consent. (I had had a few terrible relationships due to the brainwashing of mormon youth programs). I was finally strong enough to not be willing to bend myself to 'fit' a role in the way the youth program taught us girls to do - I finally was empowered enough to say 'no' when I needed to, and the express my opinions without fear of being disagreed with - my sanity was worth more to me than false friendships.
The previous posters are correct, living authentically is far far better for your psyche and long term health than trying to believe something you do not, just to please others.
Embrace your insanity - live for yourself and you will earn the admiration of others, perhaps even rebuild your self- respect. When you are your own best friend people become attracted to you without your realising. TSCC never taught us how to love and accept our own true selves: they wanted us to fit their mould and they enlisted our families to assist them with their borg-like assimilation. It takes time to undo this brain rot, but it can be done and it is worth the pain and effort.
It was after I had developed a healthy skepticism about people in general but protected my personal spaces when I met and was 'wooed' by my now husband. He would never have been attracted to the person I once was - he loved the person I had become after the years of introspection and the development of a strong sense of self-respect. I did not trust him for quite some time at first as it seemed we shared too many 'ideals' and I thought that perhaps he was 'bending to fit' me, but was happily proven wrong on that one.
You are too young to marry yet, no matter what you have been trained to think. If you are lonely it is because you are growing up and finally cutting all apron strings and regaining (or forming for the first time) your integrity and your principles for living.
Do not doubt your choices that take you down hard paths - the hard way is usually the correct way to proceed. A former sales manager once told me 'the easy option is always the wrong option - the hard way always brings the best results' and I think this relates well to life in general.
You can do this CD and you will never be lonely when you have your brother, who has shared your upbringing and brainwashing, to be your best friend and confidant through life. This is more than some people who appear popular ever have in their own lives: someone who truly understands them, warts and all and wants the best for them.
Loneliness is a bit like happiness, we choose our mode of transport for life and it can be either isolating (breeding loneliness) or it can be pleasant and you can be happy whilst you travel along making real connections with people rather than sharing a common belief and being 'fake friends'.
No, it would not be worth it to have just stayed, because my life would never have been as fulfilled as it is now with authentic relationships, without the church's interference in said relationships. When you do become a father your kids will not be indoctrinated to confide in church leaders instead of their father - you have saved any future descendants from a life of mental slavery. Be proud of what you have achieved so far. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Outside Mormonism there are 7 billion people with whom you could be friends, or something deeper. The trick is learning how to make friends instead of having them supplied for you.
I've experienced excruciating loneliness.
Truth is worth it.
Truth is worth it.