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Posted by: anon (but i bet admins see IP) ( )
Date: January 10, 2017 10:50PM

Is it cheating on my spouse if I masturbate to porn?

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: January 10, 2017 11:08PM

No, but it's probably a sign that you and your spouse should talk about your mutual sexual needs. Best wishes!

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 12:06AM

No...and sexual fantasies are also not cheating.

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Posted by: midwestanon ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 12:16AM

Despite what some Bishop with a law degree and a partner-track position at some middling Law Firm might have to say, no, masturbating nor looking at porn is cheating. I can see some spouses feeling perhaps a sense of betrayal, but everyone's relationship is different. I think people who have a healthy idea and understanding of their own sexuality don't always want to gratify their urges with other people, or maybe couples end up spending weeks apart because of business trips, or military deployments, or what have you, and out of necessity, things like this happen. It is unreasonable to expect that your partner is always going to be there for you intimately for every single moment of your relationship for your whole life when you need him or her in that way. And I think spouses should understand those things. Some people experiences changes in libido as they age, usually a decrease, but sometimes people experience an increase, and that can be hard to deal with in a relationship, especially one where a couple was essentially on the same page with regards to intimacy.

I'm really just spitballing. Every relationship is different. But no, that is in no way tantamount to cheating, and I would never let anyone try and convince you otherwise.

I am concerned that you would even entertain the idea that what you described would be cheating- it may speak volumes about the way you were raised, or the kind of values that you were brought up with, or the kind of sexual mores that were ingrained into you growing up. I don't know if your question is just a pure hypothetical or is an actual concern relating to a real life situation, and I am certainly not saying this to mock you or make light of your situation or concern. Like most of the people here, I have wrestled with these issues as a teenager and felt tremendous guilt when I should have felt none because of the insanity of the church that I was born into and forced to attend. No one should ever try and make you feel bad for something like that, and unfortunately, it is what religion is frequently best at- making people feel bad about sex.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2017 12:25AM by midwestanon.

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Posted by: I wonder if? ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 12:29AM

This is neither here nor there with the cheating argument. But...

I've always wondered if the shoe were on the other foot, how would dudes react?

If she looked at it sometimes, are you okay with that? Sure

If you found out she was a secretly a size queen who was into huge dongs for example? Could be bothersome.

Now if a Mormon wife said ok fine, I'll look at exclusively huge dong porn I wonder what would happen with that kind of psyop?

Fight Fire with Fire / Fight Porn with Porn

I think the average TBM dude who watches porn head would probably explode a little.

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Posted by: Anonforthis1 ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 02:21AM

How do you know the OP is a guy?

I'm a woman and had the same question while TBM and engaged.

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Posted by: Anonforthis1 ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 02:23AM

And my ex HATED it. Very jealous.

Honestly a lot of dudes here are ragey about TBM women's feelings towards porn, but I really want to know what would happen if their women were masturbating to hot hung guys daily with much hotter bodies. Maybe they'd be fine with it. But everybody, no, I think we'd find some hypocrites in the bunch.

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Posted by: ette ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 12:51AM

My wife and I watch porn together sometimes, but other times we do our own thing. I have no problem with my wife masturbating to steamy videos with big studs. Likewise, she doesn't care if I watch porn either. She probably masturbates a little more than I do because I fall asleep before she does.

To each their own, just be honest.

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Posted by: Tempe-X ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 12:33AM

Is not walking out of an R-rated movie when there is an intimate
scene cheating as well?

To some it is, I kid you not!

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Posted by: kvothe ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 02:28AM

There is no universal yes or no on this.

It has to do with each relationship. If your spouse feels it's cheating for you to look at porn, then it is. If not, then it isn't.

It would be wrong for you to know your spouse doesn't want you to do it, and then do it anyway.

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Posted by: Somebody Anon ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 03:02PM

My spouse probably doesn't "want" me to pick my nose either. That's not gonna' stop me if it needs picked!

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Posted by: kvothe ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 01:24PM

Either you're not that good at humor, or you actually think picking your nose and watching other people have sex are the same.

Either way, you need to do some work on yourself :)

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Posted by: lurking in ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 04:33AM

And I think what you're really asking is "Am I breaking my marriage contract?" The problem is that, aside from the detailed aspects of the contract described by the legal jurisdiction in which you live, each one is different. Before couples marry they should discuss their personal agreement in detail and maybe even put it in writing. (Some marriage contracts are "open" and even full sexual relations with others are not prohibited and not at all considered "cheating.") Of course, many couples are so enamored with each other (high on endorphins) during the courtship phase that the idea of any kind of "wandering" (even in fantasy) is disturbing; in these relationships denial of future realities is the norm, so little real understanding is achieved and no "meeting of the minds" is occurs.

So, what do you think your marriage contract entails? Is it too late to have an honest discussion with your spouse about your marriage contract?

(And something to keep in mind: contracts can always be renegotiated after the fact by mutual agreement of the partners.)

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Posted by: anon for this ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 04:57AM

My first husband was obsessed with porn. He spent 1000s of $ on it. I felt betrayed and undesirable. I felt like he was having affairs with pages from a magazine. He did not have sex with me, he only masturbated to porn. I was fairly liberal tbm at the time. It was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage. Fast forward about 16 years.My current partner masturbates regularly and occasionally looks at porn. He looked more frequently in his previous practically sexless marriage. I don't really mind about him looking at porn because it is not over the top and I am his priority...if I were still a tbm I would probably be conditioned to a different mindset.So now I do not consider it cheating, just something he does if he is away on business and missing me.

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Posted by: bells must chime ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 08:32AM

I've never understood how interacting with an inanimate object - magazine, show or toy, could be considered "cheating." People are so hung up on marriage = possesion and control of another person's genitalia, that they forget that the other person owns his or her own genitalia - and mind (brain).

Life is too difficult, too short, too full of beauty, to even care if a spouse fulfills some desire in this manner, much less attempt to "control" that spouse's desires. Are you kidding me? Part of being married is supporting, making space, for your partner to find satisfaction in any area of life.

IMHO, "cheating" would require interaction with a third party - like when a medically unqualified bishop talks to a spouse about what goes on in a marital bedroom. How is that interaction not a greater betrayal than "interaction" with an inanimate object?

Love does not equal ownership. It equals giving, and I have always been willing to pay more than lip service to the concept. Tell TSCC to stick that in their "contract" and smoke it.

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Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 08:51AM

No, but you could be cheating yourself. Too much porn rewires your brain so you don't respond to normal sex. PIED = Porn induced erectile dysfunction. Fortunately, it's reversible by quitting porn for a few months. Look up nofap. Let me tell you, things can get hard when you're on nofap. I was only able to do it after I'd accepted that there's absolutely nothing morally wrong with masturbation. As if Mormons are qualified deciders of morality.

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Posted by: bells must chime ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 09:19AM

If a person damages his or her ability to sexually interact with his or her mate, seek medical intervention, not moral intervention, I agree.

I have to say that I'm female, and cannot relate to ED or the pain it must cause, but am sorry it's so often treated as a joke. I think it's a medical issue, and should be cared for as such.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 11:22AM

Isn't this something you can honestly answer for yourself?

If you feel in your heart you are cheating on your beloved, then you probably are.

And how does your spouse feel about it? Would you invite her or him to share with you? Real intimacy doesn't require you share everything you've ever fantasized with your loved one. But it does require honesty, and faithfulness to the covenants you made with each other.

Spouses sense when their SO is cheating on them. It goes both ways.

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Posted by: qanae ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 12:22PM

My TBM wife takes care of herself from time to time. It has been at times when I was not available for her (physically) for a prolonged period - her libido is pretty darn good, and I am thankful for that. If she looked at porn to get off, I would be okay with that, just so happens that a book or movie work just fine.

I LOVE what 'bells must chime' said. Wise people we have here. Marriage should not include owning another person's needs to satisfy a sexual urge...as long as it is not secretly going on with another human.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2017 12:36PM by qanae.

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Posted by: Anonnon ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 12:53PM

It really depends on the situation.

If my husband told me never to masturbate, it would not work. Masturbating is not cheating.

But if you become obsessed with porn to the exclusion of sex with that person, it is highly problematic at least.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 01:05PM

Only if your spouse thinks it is. I'm guessing that is a possibility, or you wouldn't have asked.

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Posted by: Pariah ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 02:40AM

What does it have to do with her?

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Posted by: Amos90 ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 11:02AM

No.

Unless...

...You have an explicit agreement not to.

...The porn itself is illegal or unethical, ie, of minors or any non-fully-consenting/assenting adults. Porn users should not consume anything that might have come of human trafficking, voyeurism, or anything other than of-age fully-voluntary consensual models.

...The porn is laden with malware that exposes your partner to cyber-risk not just you.

...You're doing it so much that it interferes with life, ie you have an actual addiction.

Otherwise, even if you're married or have a committed partner, they don't OWN you.

"Cheating" is about just that, cheating. To be cheating, it needs to take away something that belongs to someone else- the definition of cheating. It needs to violate someone's rights and well-being.

Having sex with a third party, for example, is probably cheating. You are either lying to your partner about it, or to the third party, usually both. You are exposing both of them to risk and consequences they didn't agree to. Most "committed" relationships are explicitly based on NOT doing that, it's the whole point. You are non-consensually rigging real overhead over their heads, that could collapse on them. Not your right.

But masturbation and safe/legal porn is...not that. You're staying entirely within your own boundaries. It's not rigging overhead on anyone else. It's little different or no different than just thinking about sex. It's contained within yourself. You own that.

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Posted by: jacob ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 01:43PM

This falls under the category of: If you have to ask.

If your partner feels or would feel betrayed by your actions than you should consider what you're doing an act of betrayal.

This pushes aside all of the the rationalizations, legitimate or otherwise, because those are unique to each relationship.

That said there is a massive difference between reality and fantasy. The damage that comes from a real betrayal is far greater than the damage that comes from a perceived betrayal.

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Posted by: lolly 18 ( )
Date: January 13, 2017 03:28PM

Let's say the feedback you get here is that it is not cheating. What difference does that make if your spouse considers it betrayal? It is a safe bet that most wives/intimate partners of every culture and faith have strong feelings about wanting to be their dh's thought stimulation for intimate things, and cannot personally measure up to the photoshopped photo. It is almost certainly to create a problem in any marriage if a dw has to find out after the fact.

Yes, there's a risk if you talk about it before you do it. But generally doing that is a good deal safer for your relationship.

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Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 12:32AM

Why does cheating in marriage usually refer to things sexual?

If it is cheating to derive pleasure from viewing a body not your spouse, could it not be cheating to spend money not from your spouse? Or to enjoy looking at the property of someone not your spouse?

I mean, if we want to control each other's sexuality, why not control other things? If you can control all things sexual, why not control spouse's spending, eating, TV viewing, etc.?

And why is it not usually considered cheating to withhold sex? Anyone being shamed at church or in society for that? Where in the marriage vows did it say you will offer sex regularly? How did that get left out? Somehow one can deny sex for extended periods and still accuse spouse of cheating if they dare look at someone else. Weird.

Not cheating to share intimate details about your spouse to friends or family? Or siding with the church against your spouse?

Or leaving your spouse because of money issues - biggest reason for divorce. What about all that "for richer or poorer" stuff in the vows? Among relatives, I've seen several families torn apart, reportedly over money, with no shame involved. Nobody seems to think its a big deal. As long as no porn involved, no problem tearing kids away from their dad!

Anyway, fascinating that with all the forms of cheating, the only ones discussed involve sex or viewing nudity.

Apparently controlling that is a major source of power. Sex is a currency to be exchanged for money or labor or services. If spouse can get it elsewhere, you lose your bargaining power. That is the only way it makes sense that we focus so much on controlling the sexuality of spouse.

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Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 12:35AM

And it is also the reason one gets attacked for suggesting such. These ideas are seen as a threat, just like TBMs are threatened by questioning the church.

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Posted by: Darin ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 12:53PM

Matthew 5:28
But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

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Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 01:15PM

There's always the wisdom of Buddy Jesus. Technically, adultery is polluting the gene pool. Ol' Moses killed to protect that. Condoms change the game somewhat.

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Posted by: Mr. Happy ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 01:32PM

I'm good with that. Better in the heart than in the hotel room.

Is watching porn and masturbating cheating? Would using a sex toy be cheating? The answer to both is "No".

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