Despite what some Bishop with a law degree and a partner-track position at some middling Law Firm might have to say, no, masturbating nor looking at porn is cheating. I can see some spouses feeling perhaps a sense of betrayal, but everyone's relationship is different. I think people who have a healthy idea and understanding of their own sexuality don't always want to gratify their urges with other people, or maybe couples end up spending weeks apart because of business trips, or military deployments, or what have you, and out of necessity, things like this happen. It is unreasonable to expect that your partner is always going to be there for you intimately for every single moment of your relationship for your whole life when you need him or her in that way. And I think spouses should understand those things. Some people experiences changes in libido as they age, usually a decrease, but sometimes people experience an increase, and that can be hard to deal with in a relationship, especially one where a couple was essentially on the same page with regards to intimacy.
I'm really just spitballing. Every relationship is different. But no, that is in no way tantamount to cheating, and I would never let anyone try and convince you otherwise.
I am concerned that you would even entertain the idea that what you described would be cheating- it may speak volumes about the way you were raised, or the kind of values that you were brought up with, or the kind of sexual mores that were ingrained into you growing up. I don't know if your question is just a pure hypothetical or is an actual concern relating to a real life situation, and I am certainly not saying this to mock you or make light of your situation or concern. Like most of the people here, I have wrestled with these issues as a teenager and felt tremendous guilt when I should have felt none because of the insanity of the church that I was born into and forced to attend. No one should ever try and make you feel bad for something like that, and unfortunately, it is what religion is frequently best at- making people feel bad about sex.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2017 12:25AM by midwestanon.
Honestly a lot of dudes here are ragey about TBM women's feelings towards porn, but I really want to know what would happen if their women were masturbating to hot hung guys daily with much hotter bodies. Maybe they'd be fine with it. But everybody, no, I think we'd find some hypocrites in the bunch.
My wife and I watch porn together sometimes, but other times we do our own thing. I have no problem with my wife masturbating to steamy videos with big studs. Likewise, she doesn't care if I watch porn either. She probably masturbates a little more than I do because I fall asleep before she does.
And I think what you're really asking is "Am I breaking my marriage contract?" The problem is that, aside from the detailed aspects of the contract described by the legal jurisdiction in which you live, each one is different. Before couples marry they should discuss their personal agreement in detail and maybe even put it in writing. (Some marriage contracts are "open" and even full sexual relations with others are not prohibited and not at all considered "cheating.") Of course, many couples are so enamored with each other (high on endorphins) during the courtship phase that the idea of any kind of "wandering" (even in fantasy) is disturbing; in these relationships denial of future realities is the norm, so little real understanding is achieved and no "meeting of the minds" is occurs.
So, what do you think your marriage contract entails? Is it too late to have an honest discussion with your spouse about your marriage contract?
(And something to keep in mind: contracts can always be renegotiated after the fact by mutual agreement of the partners.)
My first husband was obsessed with porn. He spent 1000s of $ on it. I felt betrayed and undesirable. I felt like he was having affairs with pages from a magazine. He did not have sex with me, he only masturbated to porn. I was fairly liberal tbm at the time. It was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage. Fast forward about 16 years.My current partner masturbates regularly and occasionally looks at porn. He looked more frequently in his previous practically sexless marriage. I don't really mind about him looking at porn because it is not over the top and I am his priority...if I were still a tbm I would probably be conditioned to a different mindset.So now I do not consider it cheating, just something he does if he is away on business and missing me.
I've never understood how interacting with an inanimate object - magazine, show or toy, could be considered "cheating." People are so hung up on marriage = possesion and control of another person's genitalia, that they forget that the other person owns his or her own genitalia - and mind (brain).
Life is too difficult, too short, too full of beauty, to even care if a spouse fulfills some desire in this manner, much less attempt to "control" that spouse's desires. Are you kidding me? Part of being married is supporting, making space, for your partner to find satisfaction in any area of life.
IMHO, "cheating" would require interaction with a third party - like when a medically unqualified bishop talks to a spouse about what goes on in a marital bedroom. How is that interaction not a greater betrayal than "interaction" with an inanimate object?
Love does not equal ownership. It equals giving, and I have always been willing to pay more than lip service to the concept. Tell TSCC to stick that in their "contract" and smoke it.
No, but you could be cheating yourself. Too much porn rewires your brain so you don't respond to normal sex. PIED = Porn induced erectile dysfunction. Fortunately, it's reversible by quitting porn for a few months. Look up nofap. Let me tell you, things can get hard when you're on nofap. I was only able to do it after I'd accepted that there's absolutely nothing morally wrong with masturbation. As if Mormons are qualified deciders of morality.
Isn't this something you can honestly answer for yourself?
If you feel in your heart you are cheating on your beloved, then you probably are.
And how does your spouse feel about it? Would you invite her or him to share with you? Real intimacy doesn't require you share everything you've ever fantasized with your loved one. But it does require honesty, and faithfulness to the covenants you made with each other.
Spouses sense when their SO is cheating on them. It goes both ways.
My TBM wife takes care of herself from time to time. It has been at times when I was not available for her (physically) for a prolonged period - her libido is pretty darn good, and I am thankful for that. If she looked at porn to get off, I would be okay with that, just so happens that a book or movie work just fine.
I LOVE what 'bells must chime' said. Wise people we have here. Marriage should not include owning another person's needs to satisfy a sexual urge...as long as it is not secretly going on with another human.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2017 12:36PM by qanae.
...The porn itself is illegal or unethical, ie, of minors or any non-fully-consenting/assenting adults. Porn users should not consume anything that might have come of human trafficking, voyeurism, or anything other than of-age fully-voluntary consensual models.
...The porn is laden with malware that exposes your partner to cyber-risk not just you.
...You're doing it so much that it interferes with life, ie you have an actual addiction.
Otherwise, even if you're married or have a committed partner, they don't OWN you.
"Cheating" is about just that, cheating. To be cheating, it needs to take away something that belongs to someone else- the definition of cheating. It needs to violate someone's rights and well-being.
Having sex with a third party, for example, is probably cheating. You are either lying to your partner about it, or to the third party, usually both. You are exposing both of them to risk and consequences they didn't agree to. Most "committed" relationships are explicitly based on NOT doing that, it's the whole point. You are non-consensually rigging real overhead over their heads, that could collapse on them. Not your right.
But masturbation and safe/legal porn is...not that. You're staying entirely within your own boundaries. It's not rigging overhead on anyone else. It's little different or no different than just thinking about sex. It's contained within yourself. You own that.
Let's say the feedback you get here is that it is not cheating. What difference does that make if your spouse considers it betrayal? It is a safe bet that most wives/intimate partners of every culture and faith have strong feelings about wanting to be their dh's thought stimulation for intimate things, and cannot personally measure up to the photoshopped photo. It is almost certainly to create a problem in any marriage if a dw has to find out after the fact.
Yes, there's a risk if you talk about it before you do it. But generally doing that is a good deal safer for your relationship.
Why does cheating in marriage usually refer to things sexual?
If it is cheating to derive pleasure from viewing a body not your spouse, could it not be cheating to spend money not from your spouse? Or to enjoy looking at the property of someone not your spouse?
I mean, if we want to control each other's sexuality, why not control other things? If you can control all things sexual, why not control spouse's spending, eating, TV viewing, etc.?
And why is it not usually considered cheating to withhold sex? Anyone being shamed at church or in society for that? Where in the marriage vows did it say you will offer sex regularly? How did that get left out? Somehow one can deny sex for extended periods and still accuse spouse of cheating if they dare look at someone else. Weird.
Not cheating to share intimate details about your spouse to friends or family? Or siding with the church against your spouse?
Or leaving your spouse because of money issues - biggest reason for divorce. What about all that "for richer or poorer" stuff in the vows? Among relatives, I've seen several families torn apart, reportedly over money, with no shame involved. Nobody seems to think its a big deal. As long as no porn involved, no problem tearing kids away from their dad!
Anyway, fascinating that with all the forms of cheating, the only ones discussed involve sex or viewing nudity.
Apparently controlling that is a major source of power. Sex is a currency to be exchanged for money or labor or services. If spouse can get it elsewhere, you lose your bargaining power. That is the only way it makes sense that we focus so much on controlling the sexuality of spouse.