I'm not sure what I dread more: spending time with the TBMs that know I'm apostate or spending time with the TBMs that have no idea I'm an apostate. I feel like I'm walking into a minefield.

I'm sure some of you on here are in the same situation with all Mormon family both on your side and your in-laws. It sucks that now I'm sort of "the other" and even if they come to accept my leaving the church. Does this every get better or will it just always been uncomfortable and never the same?

I feel guilty somehow that my family's departure has/likely will cause intense grief. I keep telling myself it's not my fault the church isn't true.

It will make me anxious to worry about people noticing I'm not wearing garments or having to dodge questions like what calling I have. It's so much a part of their lives, it feels like everything circles back to it. I also have kids who could "blow cover" with the people that don't know.

Then there are the considerations like I drink tea every morning with my breakfast. I would feel weird buying it and bringing it into my Mom's house because she is not okay AT ALL with my not being LDS. So, I guess I'm just going tea/coffee/alcohol free during this trip.

I think there is no pain-free way to leave the church with TBM family no matter what you do. I just hope it's not this way forever. I can respect their beliefs and not bother them about it, but that doesn't seem to go both ways.

The positive thing that really matters to me is that my husband and 3 children have/are in the process of following me out. I really feel for the people in mixed-faith marriages.

Just remember that you can't and don't control how other people feel. Live your own life how you wAnt to and let the, live how they want to.

The best thing I ever did was "pull the bandaid off" tell them where you are at so you can move forward and they can figure out how to come to terms with it. The longer you take to tell them the longer you have before you can live normally and have normal relationships again.

Yes it is hard at first, but get the hardpart over with now so next year or the year after it may not be as bad. At least in the meantime you won't be trying to hide normal things like tea.

I agree. Be honest, and if the Mormons choose to follow the cult SOP and shun you, there's nothing you can do about it. They are brainwashed. Always remind yourself of the great service you did for your husband and children, by leading them away from the lies and the control. (I believe that the Mormon cult is evil.)

It's not your fault that Mormonism is a hoax, so please don't accept any blame. You have the human right to any religious belief you choose!

I went through the same problems with my family. There isn't just one strategy, but many, depending on the people and the situation.

I don't want to lie to people, because that's a bad example for my children. One of the reasons I left the cult was that I didn't like all the lies. I want to be a person of integrity. My children, as adults, are very honest and sincere--and this has helped them in their careers and marriages and in their relationships with their own children. Nothing is more important than that. Tell the truth! Don't let the Mormons manipulate you or coerce you into lying again and again. This is sick.

I always emphasized what I DID BELIEVE. For example, you probably believe in love, and family, and morality, and all those good traits. I still believe in Christ. You (should) believe in freedom of religion, and that includes the Mormons' right to be in a cult, if they want to.

At reunions and parties, if someone starts asking me questions, I have some phrases that I use:

"This is a party! Let's not talk about religion or politics." Then, you change the subject.

At a Mormon wedding, when asked why I wasn't at the temple ceremony, I simply say, "My recommend expired."

"I'm not an organist anymore."

"I volunteer in the schools, now."

"I don't believe in Mormonism."

Whatever you do, don't get into any debates or arguments with Mormons! Those always end badly. No Mormon is going to understand why you left. Don't try to change anyone's mind.

It is very likely, that no Mormon will ever ask you WHY you left. No one ever asked me. Oh, they TOLD me I was offended, bla-bla, but they never asked, then listened for my answer. They are afraid of the Truth. They don't want you to "shake their testimony."

Relax, and be confident in The Truth. They are the awkward ones, who are in the minority. They are less than 1% of the population, and you represent the other 99%.

BUT--be considerate and low-key. Substitute Coke or Pepsi for tea. They have probably the amount of caffeine you are used to. Chocolate also works. You might gain a few pounds. I used to bring instant coffee and Carnation powdered milk in my suitcase, and mix that up with super-hot water from the bathroom basin faucet. You can brew tea with faucet water or bottled water, if you let it sit long enough. Whenever you go out, you can get decent coffee and tea at most convenience stores. Ordering it at a restaurant with Mormons is less obnoxious than having it in a Mormon's home. My brother took No-Doz pills. My friend takes Excedrin with caffeine, which also cures the headaches her Mormon family gives her!

There's nothing with saying that you don't want to fight about religion, especially in front of the children. Say, "Let's talk about the million things upon which we agree!"

You are still the same person.

It will always creep me out, the way Mormons peer through your clothes, to see what underwear you are wearing. I wear opaque clothing, and flesh-tone underwear, which you absolutely can not see.

Have fun! Don't let the turkeys ruin your Christmas!

Ex-Cederin headache number 1 : Being an ex-mo who has to attend a Mormon function...

Mormons: Giving Christ a bad name since 1829

I wouldn't spend my holiday in a situation of dread.

I also wouldn't stay overnight in a home where tea drinking and underwear are issues. Are you traveling to visit or do you live nearby? If you're coming from afar, stay in a hotel if you can.

Can you limit your time with them by arriving late and leaving early?

It's the mormon church that sets up family for disappointment. Only a cult requires compliance this way. Remember, that's why the family might be sad. You're not causing the reaction. It's the church doing that despite your best efforts.

For next year, start letting them know in the summer that you've left their church if they don't find out now. It's always a shame to spoil a holiday with this kind of news.

In any case, exmos don't owe apologies or explanations for why they left. It's an adult choice and a right, not a whim or jab at the beliefs of any other person.

My family all knows. None of the inlaws know. We are flying out of state for the holidays to Utah where our families live. A hotel would be too much and my Mom would be deeply offended if we did not stay with her as usual. (She also has many spare bedrooms.) At least I'm not hiding it from her, but she took it badly when she found out earlier this year.

We've told the kids we are not talking about religion or politics (yep, opposite ends of the spectrum on that too).

However, my teen is stridently anti-Mormon and isn't to the point of being able to respect other's beliefs. She also swears a great deal, which is a whole other issue. The youngest doesn't understand how so many things are "religious" like telling people my favorite drink is chai latte.

If people don't bring it up to them directly it might be okay. If they pull out religious pics and try to make it a teaching moment (they have seriously done this) or suddenly start bearing their testimony (also happened) or just ask about personal progress or "friends at church" it could get interesting.

If nothing else even if it goes badly, after the holidays we will be going back to our own state.

I survived a similar situation for years. In addition to Pariah's great advice above, here are some of the things I did:

Found a reason to visit local gas stations and convenience stores where I could grab a quick cup of tea or coffee;

Mostly stayed silent during any discussion involving church, religion, doctrine, etc. When I did say something, I referenced non-Mo institutions like Goodwill and Savers, local charities, etc.;

If I couldn't handle the bigoted nastiness other people were spewing, I spent lots of time in the bathroom, checking email on my phone, and politely disengaging in order to entertain the bazillions of kids that were always running around (while their parents talked smack about non-Mos);

Took consolation in the fact that none of them could tell what I was actually thinking and filled my mind with positive thoughts (like, "I'm so glad I don't think that way anymore.");

Practiced non-answers to nosy questions so they'd easily roll off my tongue: I don't have a calling at the moment. My job keeps me really busy. Then, turn the conversation back to them so they don't ask more nosy questions. Most people love it when others are interested in them, so this is a win-win.

Wore thick sweaters and baggy pants/skirts that frustrated the Garment Police. This is perfect for Xmas.

Ripping off the band-aid and finding areas of commonality are probably the best long-run strategies, but if your family is as violently TBM as mine was, Christmas might not be the best time to come out. If you're worried about your kids outing you, have a discussion with them beforehand. Keep it simple, like, "So that everyone gets along, we won't mention anything we do that's not so LDS."

It's great that your spouse and kids are following you out!

My family knows. Overall it was not taken well. My Mom is the most unorthodox one, yet she figured it out, confronted me, and lost it. So if it was that ugly with her...I hate to see how it will be with the Uber TBMs.

My DH doesn't want his family to know for now, so I'm respecting that. I don't think that is practical forever, but hopefully if they do find out it's not at Christmas.

To the wisdom above, I add my support.

Lie to no one, but you are under no obligation to explain your answers.

"Snooze, cousin Footnmouth said you've left the church - is it true?!"

(You, with a smile):

"Let's just enjoy our family, yes?"

or

"Oh, I see little Suzie in the pudding again!" (smile,go to Suzie)

or

"Please excuse me. I really need to finish/help grandma with ________!"


Deflection is not lying. It is choosing to not answer a personal question. Your religious status is your business, no matter the invasive policing that TBMs are commanded to employ. You need not meet their disrespect with full disclosure.

Be thinking of deflections that are normal and natural to you. If someone will not accept your non-answer, follows you around demanding an answer, ignore those additional intrusions with nothing more than a pitying smile.

It is your choice whether to reveal personal information. It's part of becoming free of the strange society of Mormonism. You can model how it's done for your kids, with a wink and a smile. It might even be creatively fun.

It's a minefield of their own mental creation. Let them handle the bombs, while you are deaf to the fake explosions.

Enjoy your holidays. Best to you! :)

>>"Snooze, cousin Footnmouth said you've left the church - is it true?!"

Or you could respond, "I wonder why he would say that?" -- and then walk away. You are neither confirming nor denying.

One more suggestion: Promise yourself a relaxing, pleasurable treat after the family visit is over -- and be sure to follow through!

If I go as a guest to someone's home and they treat me with anything less than the deference that a guest deserves, and that I show to guests in my own home, they will hear about it.

The first time I would likely catch them in a private space/moment (in the kitchen, perhaps, or on the porch) and say something to the effect of, "Look, I didn't come here to be lectured. I came in the holiday spirit. Respect me."

If they do it again, I say it loud and in front of everyone else. If they do it a third time I'm outta there.

Nobody needs to be abused by spoiled clueless brain-dead children masquerading as adults, especially at Christmas.

Leave a note and head for Maui. Tell 'em "sorry, had an important week away in the sun--sucks to be you!"

RB

It's hard to get a moron to learn. They think they already know it all - too much pride: even their profits warn them against [many moron profits have had this same, ridicules pride, even unto a stumbling block].

When in the company of anyone even resembling a 'devout saint' (that ain't), the best practice is to find any route into (and out of) a conversation or situation that is universal: FOOD, anything. Good luck!

Prepare escapes, diversions, alternatives...

Wow. It's a tough row to hoe. I don't like hoes - or even rows - generally speaking. Plant seeds if you can. Water them. Mormons don't usually grow. Too many weeds it seems.

Again, good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/12/2016 01:48AM by moremany.

This one item is a BIG hit with my TBM relatives -- and I've shared the recipe with several in-laws -- minus one key ingredient.

It brings a lot of cheer to my heart -- as I sip my white wine in their presence.

here is how ziller does it :



just get a good buzz on OPie ~



make inappropriate comments to your sister-in-laws and nieces ~



have a good time ~



they will prolly get over it, forgive, and smile about it later ~


worst case = you won't be invited back next year = win / win ~




( srs )

>>I guess I'm just going tea/coffee/alcohol free during this trip.

This hiccup intrigues me. People I know admit willingly that they are so addicted to these things that their every desire is for tea/coffee/alcohol at every meal. I'm not sure why, or what it is about tea that everyone loves so much. I think it stinks, Coffee doesn't taste good, it's like eating charcoal. Why would folk want to pump a bunch of caffeine in their bodies, and make their heart work faster?

I've tried to understand this and I guess it's like my desire for pancakes, I really like them and can eat them often, but honestly I could go probably 2 years without missing them too much if I have sandwiches instead, lol!

Why do people want to pump caffeine into their bodies? That is easy, because people are exhausted because they likely don't get enough sleep and still have to work, take care of kids, and deal with whatever shit is going on in their lives. They are just trying to function. If you have never felt that way you are lucky.

You say you hate tea. Have you tried chai tea latte? That is what I drink in the morning. It's more that I find a warm cup of tea relaxing and it's part of my ritual of taking a few minutes to relax and center myself before the day hits. I'm not addicted to it though, I can go without it, I just like it. I was addicted to to Dr. Pepper when I was LDS.

I don't drink much coffee or alcohol. It's more that I'm going to be in a stressful and tiring situation with no substances. Then just the fact I "can't" around them I find irritating.

To each his/her own -- bashing folks who like tea and coffee seems a very Mormon thing to do, though.

Green tea is one of the healthiest beverages on the planet, full of antioxidants and compounds that benefit the body. Lavender and chamomile teas promote restful sleep, peppermint tea helps nasal congestion and stomach upsets, and black tea provides a very mild caffeine boost while reducing oral plaque, lowering blood pressure and risks of stroke and cancer, reducing stress, and lowering one's risk of diabetes. There are dessert teas like jasmine, orange, or chocolate hazelnut, too. A cup of Earl Grey with lemon and milk on a cold afternoon is wonderful.

Coffee, in addition to increasing short-term memory, concentration, and focus, also boosts energy, reduces one's risk of some types of cancer, and is protective against dementia, Parkinson's, and heart problems. People who drink 3-5 cups a day have a 65% lower chance of getting Alzheimer's. I use it as a pre-workout boost.

Those are some of the reasons why people drink tea and coffee. Coffee tastes much better when freshly roasted and ground, and made with a French press or pour-over. Properly prepared, it's smooth and not bitter at all.

icedtea, coffee also helps some people with averting depression.

I find a hot cup of tea or coffee is very soothing, especially in the cold winter months.

Just know you are not alone. My husband and I will be going to stay with his parents for three days at Christmas. We will be staying not only with my TBM in laws but his TBM brother will be there with his wife(she doesn't want anything to do with Church). They think we are still all in, we've just been in recovery for about 3-4 weeks. We don't want our kids to lie but we aren't ready to come out yet. So yes, truly in a sticky situation, should be interesting. Best of luck to you!Im nervous about the underwear but I know they've looked though our laundry before to check sizes and serial numbers to order garments as gifts. My husband says we will not wear garments to pretend we are still in, I'm going with it. Nervous though to be totally honest.

I do the same things Pariah and Icedtea do.

LOL! I find every excuse possible to go to a convenience store! I go to get the car checked, or I go to say a quick hello to an old friend, or I feel like a morning drive. I'm the one who runs to the grocery store to pick up milk and eggs, or the dry cleaning, or to go out and get fast food. Once, things were so uncomfortable in my parents' household--actually, my brothers and one of my sisters-in-law are the worst--that I lied and said I was having breakfast with a couple of old high school friends, and I went to my favorite coffee shop/bakery, and had my favorites--sat there alone, and enjoyed the meal in peace.

Children have made family reunions actually fun for me. Before we stopped having reunions, I would lead the kids on my favorite hikes, near the old cabin--and there were surprises and stories along the way--such as a very tall swing, a pasture full of friendly miniature horses, a creek in which to throw rocks and float boats. I would bring along balls, rubber horse shoes, rackets and birdies, etc. Kids aren't going to ask you about church, that's for sure!

One extended side of the family has a larger reunion of one of my early Mormon GA g-g-g-grandfathers and the progeny of his three wives. It's too large to include children, and it focuses on church history and idealization of JS and my ancestor, who were best friends, etc. For a reunion like that, without children, I use my favorite strategy of all--I don't go.

--I have a contagious cold
--My children are sick, and I have to take care of them (children are always sick, with a runny nose, or a sliver in their finger, etc)
--I have to work
--My children have some important event I need to attend
--I'm out of town (that could mean the next township)
--I have houseguests (quickly invite a friend over)
--My car broke down (take it down to get the oil changed)
--I got stuck in traffic (on the way to skiing)
--I had to pick up someone at the airport
--Dentist--a tooth ache
--Emergency doctor appointment (well,that wart might have been cancer)
--A death in my spouse's family

These excuses can keep you away for 12 years, and by then, they will give up on you.