The first time I remember acting on this rage, I was about 4 years old. My mother was a mean-tempered and vicious person, who often said "no" to so many things I asked to do that I eventually quit asking permission and did them anyway.

On that particular occasion, she had been pestering me every time I tried to leave the house, telling me I had to clean my room or fold the laundry or scrub the tub - one frustration after another. I finally told her, "No, I've done enough chores. I'm going outside now." She slapped me across the face - hard. There happened to be a can-opener lying on the kitchen counter - does anyone remember those, from before pop-tops were invented? They had a nasty little triangle-shaped end. I grabbed that thing and intentionally gauged about a 5" cut down her bare arm. It required stitches. She probably beat the daylights out of me, but I don't remember. She carried that scar to her grave, and I never regretted doing it.

Over the course of my life (and I'm in my 70s now) I have generally been very gentle and even tempered. I do my best to turn away from potential conflict, because I know that if my temper gets the best of me, I am still quite capable of becoming violently vindictive. It isn't fun, having a monster living inside of you. But my operating motto is "Don't mess with me or mine. You may not live to regret it."

Very few people who know me have any idea that I am capable of this kind of rage. But it is there, and it is scary.

I got triggered today when I went to the Motor Vehicle
Department to update my license in compliance with Homeland Security Requirements. I took every document listed on their website - either the original document, or a certified (NOT notarized) copy.

She told me that more documents were needed. I pointed out that these were not shown on their website. She said she knew, and that the website needed to be updated. After waiting for an hour and a half to see her, and having to leave without what I had come for, I was furious.

It's been several hours, and I am still shaking with rage. I'm not altogether certain I can go back there without saying or doing something completely irrational. And it's not like I don't know better.

My husband does not want to let me go back there alone to finish my transaction, for this very reason.

Since it's not like my license needs immediate renewal, I can afford to wait. I'm tempted to throw the documents back in the file and wait a few weeks, to let the rage subside.

I can chill out for a few weeks, then go back and deal with a different person. Doesn't this make sense to you? I'm very much ashamed of having this sort of temper, but this is the best way I can think of to deal with it.

I wish there were such a thing as a "chill pill," but as far as I know, there isn't. Giving the frustration time to subside is the best thing I can think of.

Any other suggestions? I'm not generally the sort to abuse other people (since scarring my mother), kick my pets or put a fist through a wall, nor am I given to road rage. The reason that this kind of anger is so terrifying is that it happens very seldom, and very unpredictably.

Thanks for letting me vent. I desperately needed to.

I was thinking about this just today. We all essentially want the same thing, to get along. But for some reason some people make me want to kick their ass. It's so irrational. I think it comes from unresolved pain. Maybe childhood was very hard or painful. Or adulthood for that matter. Shit happens, and then what?

I know you've been hurt. I'm sorry you can't go back and change it. There's plenty to be angry about. I know I've had a lot of anger. I think my monster may be dead, I hope, because it's scary as fuck. I was thinking today about all my hurt. How I needed it to make me who I am. How maybe it was all meant to be. The Universe sprung into existence 14 billion years ago either for no reason or for every reason. It could be that everything that happens on this big blue-green marble has waiting with great anticipation to undergo the formality of occurring. And that makes everything divine and holy. My pain, your pain, the DMV worker you'd like to hide in the dumpster out back.

Welcome to the club. Most people become very impatient--and often ballistic--at stupidity. The only thing I dislike about my job is that sometimes I have to deal with government agencies. Endless waiting, unnecessary red tape, lack of caring about clients, incompetency being rewarded by promotions--all of it is very frustrating. (Just wait until you have to deal with Medicare.)

There is a valid reason people use the phrase, "Going postal."

Exercise is the best panacea! Walk it off, run it off, go skiing, play loud music and dance!

Next, take a shower and wash it off of you.

Go right back down there and start all over again. Bring music and ear phones. Bring a pile of work, and your laptop. Or, bring a good book. Text your friends. Have someone save your place in line, and walk back and forth in front of the building for a while. I have done all those things.

IMO, anything is better than putting it off. If you have true rage, like me, your anger will just seethe for those few weeks, until you finally face the problem again. The DMV will haunt you like a dark cloud, for the rest of the holidays, and the crowds and lines will get longer and longer towards New Year's. Don't do that to yourself! Rip off the band-aid all at once, and get it over with!

Reward yourself afterwards, with something you plan ahead--a date with your husband for dinner and a movie, or whatever makes you happy. Most of us have been there--and we've all been to the DMV, too. Good luck!

I get impatient when faced with long lines and waits. Have tried to go when such dealings are less likely to be crowded. When forced to wait, and then sometimes the occasional upset unplanned like what happened with you ... I don't become enraged enough to want to injure someone.

Consider the person at that window you dealt with today just someone like you, doing her or his job. They didn't make up all the new Homeland Security rules, or send out the information that was missing the needed items you lacked when you went there today.

They have a life outside that job, a family, and a home. When you can empathize more with them, perhaps it may take the edge off your anger or at least redirect it in a healthier way say if you are going to complain to someone about why in the bleep didn't they correct that flyer before sending it out? That's government waste.

It does sound like you have lots of unresolved anger stemming from a conflict ridden childhood. Have you tried counseling or therapy to get to the source of it? Hypnotherapy might be helpful in your case; it could be suppressed or repressed memories that has caused you to have these feelings that frighten yourself, because you know if you were to act on them you'd be labeled violent and out of control.

I liked your idea of calming down first.

Don't beat yourself up. Most of us feel irate when we're mistreated by dumb-cluck "public servants."

I once went into the post office to ask the price of a first class stamp. The clerk said, "You don't even know that??!! What's wrong with you?" I turned and walked out in a snit. Sent my letter a couple of days later since it wasn't urgent.

I used to be full of rage too - until I studied martial arts (for only few weeks), then violence and anger became separated in my psyche. Violence became something to be thought through carefully instead of merely a reaction to emotion. It is very calming.

I think the rage is learned behaviour, caused by the suppressed cog dis our parents endured. Every tbm parent has been a rage monster at least once. More crap fallout from tscc to deal with.

Just the fact that you raise the question means that you have self awareness. That is already good; you are ahead!

You had a lousy and frustrating experience at the DMV. Would I be right that the basic injustice of it was the real injury, not just being inconvenienced?

Give your mind and brain some time to process what happened as you go about your daily, normal stuff. Trust your unconscious to do its work instead of ruminating about it. Rumination is almost by definition unhealthy. When your mind starts to dwell on the event, distract yourself with action, by which I mean normal things you do anyway .. put dishes away, clean out your email inbox, pull weeds, engage socially and give those present moment things your full attention.

Cultivating mindfulness helps with everything. (I find it very difficult to sustain the practice.)

When you feel up to it, call the DMV and make an appointment a few weeks away to transact your business there. That way you will get in and out without the aggravation of waiting to be attended to.

Sorry your mom was so dysfunctional.

I think I'm gonna keep a lower profile in my golden years. They's some people out there I ought not get too near to, I reckon...

If you think about it, it's not the poor clerk's fault. She is just the underpaid messenger. She can't change policy nor fix the website. And she deals with upset and angry people all day long, most likely with more patience than most of us could muster.

I find I get angry when I am expecting more of people than they can deliver. I have certain wants and needs, and these people are not able to deliver on what I expect. You can't change people or situations, but you CAN change how you respond. In such situations I try to lower my expectations and my standards for what is acceptable. I try to "roll with it." I try to regain my sense of humor.

It might be worthwhile to think about situations that are likely to set you off. Try to be aware of how your body responds, and recognize the signals. Think about alternate ways that you could handle the situation. Perhaps you could arrive at DMV the first thing in the morning. Or as Titanic Survivor suggests, book an appointment. Bring a good book or some music or a movie with earphones. Expect the worst, and be pleasantly surprised if things go better than expected.

sounds like typical bull sh** we have to deal with when there is a government agency. Every time I have to go, or have to call a federal or state government agency I prepare myself emotionally and have to tell myself, "yes something is going to go wrong" and "yes the regulations are going to get in the way and it's going to take hours to do a simple task." And yes they are simply not going to be able to do a little thing over the telephone and I'm going to have to drive all the way down there and spend I don't know how long with smiles and courtesy to beg them to do their jobs right because they are a bunch of idiots or crooks... If I go with that attitude in the beginning then it's emotionally easier.

This is why they have police all around with guns, because they suck really bad, and the public is really upset and it's got worse after 911.

When you complain about a government agency, just remember two things: they're underfunded and they're way understaffed. Everybody wants things, but nobody wants to pay for them. Cut taxes and complain about all of the government-worker freeloaders who should be fired are persistent mantras. All of the Homeland Security "regulations" we love to complain about are in place because of laws we pass to assuage our desperate fear of foreigners, and out of our vindictive fear that illegal aliens might get some government benefit they're not entitled to. So we burden the shit out of ourselves to prevent the possibility--then complain like hell because we're inconvenienced by all these "regulations" the incompetent government burdens us with. As a society, we're not very bright.

Great book which I've read "I don't want to talk about it, the secret legacy of male depression" by Terence Real. I'm assuming the OP is male, but I've read it and it is helpful (for men and women).

Anger (for me) usually masks fear. There is fear (or sadness) there somewhere. I don't know about this specific situation, but that's what I've found. Fear that I will look bad, that people will abandon me or their responsibilities, etc.

Anger was always an okay emotion (again, particularly for men), but other feelings were not okay (fear, sadness). I've known people who go to prof. therapy just to deal with their anger, and I think it's great. Sometimes anger is justified (like the mo policy for children of gay parents last year).

But in the end, I find I figure out what I can change, do differently and let the rest go. I can't change the mormon church, and few people can either. I can't change my mormon parents. I can change myself and how I see things. I can write letters or make phone calls or whatever. In your case, please consider calling your state or local representative to let them know. Sometimes political messages help make changes. Best of luck.

Note to ava: I'm not male (I mentioned my husband in my original post, and I'm not gay) but the book you mentioned sounds very helpful, and I will look into it.

But the main thing is, I SUCCEEDED with the bloody DMV today.

With my husband's patient accompaniment, I brought not only every document they had asked for, but the ones they hadn't, first time around, which caused the problem.

I had brought my birth certificate, showing I had come into the world as Mirthabelle Clarissa Jones. (I made that up, just for you.) Then I had the marriage certificate, by which means I became Mirthabelle Clarissa Inglehoffer. But Mr. Inglehoffer and I had a rocky relationship, so I also brought in my divorce decree, thereby terminating that sentence. Then I brought in my marriage certificate to Mr. Wonderful Husband Owenglen, which made it clear even to the DMV's resident dimwit how I came to have Mirthabelle Clarissa Owenglen on my current license.

So now the DMV can issue my license in peace, knowing that I am a native of the US, no threat to Homeland Security, all my names duly noted and knowing that I never committed bigamy.

The one thing they didn't seem to care about at all was whether I have any clue about how to operate a motor vehicle or know the laws about operating same in this state. But very few people pay attention to the silly rules anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Triumph, at last.