It is embarrassing for me to admit, but I do not like Christmas time very much.

I TRY to enjoy it, but I really have to FORCE myself to be "present" and not want to just eat myself into a carb hangover.

A few years ago, I lost someone very dear to me to a sudden death. Last year, the man I thought I would marry broke up with me. This year has been full of stresses that normally I can handle. I am normally known as the strong one.

I am dating someone new. It is a good relationship; very heartfelt and monogamous. We have been dating about 6 mos and planning some very fun things to do together this season.

Yet I realized last night that I was faking my "Christmas joy" (No not a euphemism) I just have no joy in the season.

My boyfriend sensed it and I even brushed it off saying it was work stress. Now I feel ashamed that I am being so inauthentic.
I had a really horrible Christmas last year. I spent most of it sobbing and alone because of my broken heart.

This year I have made plans to go visit family and spend some time with my adult children.

Frankly, Im glad for the time he and I won't spend together, because now Im thinking its time I dont have to "fake" being a happy couple.

I have been doing everything I can to move on, and I dont even want the EX back, but...I have not been the same since that relationship ended.

Deep down, part of me feels like I am sabotaging my new relationship.....and I am not sure why. Maybe because so many bad things have happened to me this time of year...this is my way of taking some stupid control over the bad things. If it goes sour, well then its my own fault.

I wonder if I have some sort of seasonal PTSD, its like Im anticipating something bad happening.

I know I dont want to talk to friends or family about it, because they will just say "Oh you need to move on" or "Get on Medication". I am already just thinking about how I can get to Jan as quickly as possible.

I was just FINE last month, but as soon as Thanksgiving passed, I started dreading all the "plans" with the bf.

Any words of wisdom to help me snap out of it?

Appreciation in advance,

RMM

Don't get in a rut, especially if your kids are looking forward to a visit...
Consider letting them hear your feelings & concerns. Trust them to help/comfort you Unless serious problems with them.

Your bf doesn't understand, perhaps he's not as sensitive as you need or desire.

Best from all of us!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2016 12:53AM by GNPE.

Hi RMM, I have very complex issues regarding Christmas's past (death, alcoholism, violence) and present. I hope it helps you knowing that you're not alone. Holidays, for me, sharpen emotions and bring up feelings and issues that I've tried to resolve.

So, here's what works for me. I tolerate the family's "it's Christmas!" knowing that there's going to be get togethers, presents, and shit that drives me crazy (tonight my wife had the First Presidency's Christmas downer-devotional on the TV). I do some f it, but politely decline some activities. I try to GET outside and give myself a present when I want it--just for me. (I bought a new Pink Floyd CD). I take each day as it comes and when the memories start to flood in, I kick their asses out.

Best wishes, The Boner.

Sometimes we beat ourselves up for being on a downer--and that makes us even more unhappy. Please be kind to yourself. A lot of people have a rough time at Christmas--even without a death or a break-up.

Other people's expectations from you--that Christmas joy, gift-giving, entertaining and socializing at Christmas parties, etc. etc.--make you feel like you are a disappointment to everyone. Perhaps you are not really disappointing your boyfriend that much. Most men I know don't really like Christmas parties, don't like to Christmas shop, or bake cookies, or wrap presents, or sing Christmas songs. Exactly what is your boyfriend expecting from you? You could talk about it.

It doesn't have to be "all-or-nothing." I know families that go skiing on Christmas, go to a midnight religious service, or go to a movie, or just hang out, quietly at home. Christmas can be about quiet reflection. Remembering Christ, along with the Santa Claus hype. It can be about working through your grief, if that's what you want to do.

I like that idea of giving yourself a present!

I have had sorrows, too, and abuse. I have PTSD, and one of the symptoms is to retreat from others, but I life around that. I'm an introvert, but I do love to visit and party with my family. I get so involved in their stories and jokes and the singing (we're a musical family) and the antics of the little kids, that I forget myself. Forgetting yourself for a few hours is a great escape! The next day, I balance this out by retrenching with a good book, or laundry and chores, alone, at home, in silence. I need to do this. Maybe you're just a normal, balanced person, and you need a break from your boyfriend, for just a few days, now and then. He might be too clingy, or he might be trying to dominate you--I don't know--but something else might be going on, unrelated to Christmas.

Learn to say "no" to the parts of Christmas that bother you the most. I actually enjoyed NOT going to the ward Christmas party, and NOT watching the First Presidency Devotional. Ugh! I also am not going to the party my TBM ex-inlaws are giving. My children are going, but my ex doesn't even speak to them, and all that is water under the bridge. I avoid situations that might cause "flashbacks."

Accept yourself, and don't force it or fake it, if that makes you feel worse. Sometimes the best way out, is straight through the middle. What I mean is, go ahead and cry (but not for days and days) if you need to. Everything in moderation. Spend an evening alone with your pet, sipping cocoa and watching movies (that have nothing to do with Christmas), once in a while--but you don't need to eat yourself into a carb hangover. Having PTSD, doing something low-key, and alone, is comforting to me. Here are some things I do, and my friends do, when we have the Holiday Blues:

Put wreaths on the graves of your special loved ones. I go alone, and scrape the snow and leaves off the graves, and trim the grass back.

Sign up for "Sub For Santa", and shop for gifts and food, wrap everything, and deliver them on Christmas Day. Our Fire Department does "Toys for Tots", and Shriner's Hospital has bins for toys at grocery stores. Donate or help at the food bank.

A widow friend bakes cinnamon rolls and delivers them hot for Christmas breakfast. She doesn't come in or stay, because she has a lot of deliveries to make. She is busy and occupied all of Christmas morning.

Some people bring home homeless pets, for those few days.

I play the piano at a Senior care center, and people can sing along, or not. Singing is therapeutic, much like yoga-breathing is, only more so.

Anyway, what these activities have in common is that you don't have to "fake it". You don't even have to talk, if you don't want to. You are going through motions and having thoughts that will make you feel better.

Sorry you have had so many set-backs. Enjoy your kids, and don't rush things with your boyfriend. You need to let that relationship evolve slowly, because you are too vulnerable right now. Maybe later!

When you have bad things happen to you during the holiday season, the effects can linger for a few years. So be kind to yourself, because what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. As Anonymous stated above, don't get bogged down in other people's expectations about Christmas. Do it on your terms. I actually prefer a quieter, less glitzy and busy Christmas season.

Get a physical, make sure it's not a health issue.

If all is clear there, if you want to clear the air with your bf, let him know that (and you appreciate) him being "in tune" with your feelings and moods. There's nothing wrong with saying that you weren't even admitting it to yourself when he asked. Validate his connection with/to you - he asked, let him help, let him in.

With Christmas being a "time for joy," but in no way exempt from awful things happening, is it really a big surprise that awful feelings from awful events don't get fully worked through at the time? If I had to guess, you avoided talking about your sadness then, just as you want to do now. Now that the events have "aged," you seem even more reluctant to thresh them out, but unexpressed sorrow can be like a latent illness.

IMHO, it is unhealthy to bury your sorrows surrounding the holidays, and you could do with a few good cries, good friends (even bf), and maybe even some counseling. Emotional pain can be like a lingering toxin, even making you ill.

RMM, I think it may even add to your pain to not be authentic about it, because authenticity is like a friend to you - a highly valued component of your being.

Be you, and I wish only the best for you.

Getting over a breakup is not easy to do, and takes lots of time, self-care, and moving on.

I'd focus as much on the time with your children this year, and give yourself the space you need and desire as part of your getting over the last breakup, and what came before.

Being your authentic self will do more to help the new relationship grow, if it's going to.

Finding myself [again,] after my last breakup took me some time. I was very in love with that guy, and he broke my heart. Didn't think I'd get over that but time was a healer.

It also led me back to my authentic self. I sacrificed some of that to be in a relationship that stifled who I really am. He became more controlling, as our relationship progressed. He wanted me to do things his way, instead of what makes me unique and being my own person. I sacrificed part of myself to placate him. And then ... he lost interest in me!

If I'd stayed true to my authentic self, we'd have either broken up sooner, or he'd be head over heels fallen for me like he was at the beginning of our relationship.

By focusing on what gives you pleasure and satisfaction is the best present you can give yourself this Christmas. Family is still forever, sans Mormon upbringing. I'd lasso the moon to be able to spend it with my children if I could. :)

Enjoy!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2016 05:39PM by Amyjo.

You also might be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

20,000,000 and more Americans suffer from that yearly. Typically if they live in the northern climate zones.

It usually starts in late October - mid November. And usually lasts until March-April the following spring.

Light therapy helps. Some doctors may prescribe an anti-depressant just during the SAD season (Welbutrin is one that's prescribed fairly often for SAD.) Another home remedy that helps is Vitamin D. Make sure you're getting between 1000-2000 IU's a day of the D vitamin, because a deficiency in that also contributes to the blues this time of year. Adding the supplement helps to energize and restore vitality during the shortest light days of the year.

I buy natural daylight lightbulbs for my house that gives a more natural light effect in my home ... that helps me when the days get shorter.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2016 05:51PM by Amyjo.

I don't mean this to sound like I am discounting the way you feel, but . . .


Tell your BF how much you hate Christmas already. Rip that band-aid off. Don't explain why since you don't even know why for sure yourself. Then joke about it. Make a toast to it. It's not a tragedy and your feeling that way does not need to get fixed. Revel in it. Get him in on it. Don't ask him to understand or accept. Ick to that. Tell him you just need some good jokes about how crappy the holiday is and no walking on eggshells and everybody gets some alone time or at least every other day with no damn Holiday Sparkle.

I am so over the whole holiday season myself. The pressure, the shopping, the forced happiness. Ugh. Oddly though, I actually like fruitcake.

I hope you enjoy your time with your family, but don't forget to call BF and complain about them. That is what the holidays are for. ;)

I so understand where you are coming from. I lost an 11 year old niece on the 8th of December a few years ago just after a Christmas dance recital..difficult for many years..but for my sister it led to a suicide on New Year's Day. With that..so many wonderful Christmas memories from childhood and early married life full of singing songs as a family band and all that.

Years later, my husband passed away and knowing it was a last Christmas..was poignant, loving...and so very heartbreaking. I did find another love for over 7 years..but had to leave for fear of losing my self esteem.

Wishing you and your authentic self..peace. Be true to yourself and know that you are loved and not alone.

Thank you guys for the outpouring of support and suggestions.

*I did speak to my bf and he heard me out in a loving way. He struggles with some of his own past holiday sadness, so we had that talk of "reasonable expectations" and we are both on the same page to take one day at a time and build in lots of quiet time rather than feel we have to do anything. Works for me. Works for him.

*Healthwise-Im fine. I had a physical just a few months ago. It has been suspected that I might have the S.A.D. and I decided to take my Vitamin D to see if it helps.

*Moving forward with happy activities to look forward AFTER Christmas, but working on just taking this season day by day rather than just wishing it was over with.

*Refusing to overspend or overeat. I already downsized my "to do" list, gift giving, etc. I thought I would look cheap or lazy, but I have explained to others close to me that I refuse to stress out over stuff..and just enjoy the people. So far, Im getting a lot of support on it:)

Thanks so much,
Today is a better day.

RMM

RMM, my family and I came to a joint agreement a few years ago to downsize Christmas gifts. So now everyone gets one major gift and a few small stocking stuffers. It fits my budget a lot better and we are all a lot less stressed out over Christmas shopping. Now our emphasis is on food, music, decorations, and family time. I find that I like Christmas a lot better this way!