A little info first. I entered the MTC in July of this year. Also note I've never had any symptoms of depression before, and have always been one of the "popular" kids at school. I'll omit some of the stuff that has no relevance on anything :)

-JULY 7-
Today is my first day as a missionary! It started at the airport, it wasn't even a tearful goodbye! Then the place was kind of boring, I slept through it. [My brother] picked me up and brought me to the MTC. We hugged goodbye.

As I got out of the car I was greeted by many friendly missionaries. They took my bags and brought me to the places I was supposed to be. My district seems nice and my companion, Elder Barton, is a cool guy. My instructor seems nice.

We went through a mock missionary investigator thing. It was insightful to see how to preach effectively. You have to see what each person needs. About half of my district is going to [my mission].

Anyway I am very tired and am going to bed now.


-JULY 10-
I kind of feel the Spirit sometimes, but I have difficulty recognizing it nowadays. I think the main problem is that I'm doing what I'm doing based on fear, not on love. I don't feel Heavenly Father's love even though I'm following all of the rules.

Elder Barton kind of bugs me sometimes, he can be crude. Elder Covington is also kind of annoying. Elder Vasconcellos is my favorite here, he's a good guy.

Anyway, I think if I have an interview tomorrow, I'm going to tell whoever it is that interviews me why I'm out here, and it's strange because I'm not sure if I want to go home or not.


-JULY 13-
Morning - Today is PDay, but that doesn't mean we wake up later. Nope, still up and at'em by 6:15... I still don't feel like I belong here. My teacher always says, "It doesn't matter how well you teach or how well you know the language; what matters is that the investigator feels the Spirit." And that's all fine and dandy, but the investigator can't feel the Spirit if I'm not feeling it. When my teacher called me to the front of the class to teach him, he said he only felt the Spirit when I was 'bearing my testimony' to him. But I wasn't feeling the Spirit, I was just going through the motions of "I know the Atonement blesses our lives" and common things like that.

I have a very hard time feeling the Spirit. Even when I'm praying, bearing testmony, doing Personal Study, or doing other Spiritual things.

I've been following the Commandments strictly for a very long time, and I've been obeying the mission rules strictly since I entered the MTC. Everytime there is any extra time in my schedule I fill it by studying or by doing something productive. I don't goof off, I say all my prayers, I keep all of my commitments, but I still don't feel the Spirit. And it makes me wonder if it's just a waste of time.


-JULY 19-
My teacher really chewed out our class tonight, about wasting time and junk. I'm trying my hardest, but he really made us feel bad.

I've also kinda felt that the only reason I'm here is because I'd be completely lost at home. I don't really want to be here. UGH!!

Elders Francis, Lybbert, Morgan, and my roommates are all in my room. Most of them are annoying, but what can you do? Every day lasts forever, and you go to sleep and wake up 15 minutes later. AGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


-JULY 20-
(A page of writing about girls back home :)
AGH I hate my life. I wish I had never been born religious at all. Everything is so much worse. I just want to blow my brains out.

(2 pages of very strange and scary drawings)

I probably need psychological help, because of how sad and depressed I'm always feelings. (Unreadable writings)

These stupid elders are so dumb. They are having a fight with marshmellows. I hate them so much.

Lalalalala I HOPE THEY ALL DIE!!!! I am very UPSET with everyone.

Elder Barton is such a doofus... He's such a freaking retard...

I am so lonely. Lonely lonely lonely. I've always had plenty of friends, and even out here I can put up a charade and they think we're "friends". But God doesn't care about me. I used to be such a happy person, the funniest person most people knew. Not any more. I just hate Everyone and Everything and want to hurt myself.


-JULY 21-
I keep thinking about Echo. Probably because she works at the movie theatre where I'm going to work when I quit. When I quit. QUIT!

They're all in here again, I just hate them all sooooo much, it is hilarious how much I dislike them. AGGGGH



-JULY 23-
Pres Stacy and I met tonight. He - OH MY GOSH STUPID ELDER FRANCIS IS HERE. Anyway he just pretty much said how I see God as a Vengeful God, when he is in actuality a loving God. Oh yeah. OK.

I want to punch something or throw something or anything. (weird drawings)

later - I just finished the "Service Project". Cleaned drains, showers, and the inside of toilets. Glad I'm SERVING THE LORD SO WELL. My attitudes are so bi-polar. I'm weird.

-JULY 26-
During MDT time today I wasted so much time, 'twas muy wonderful. Tomorrow is the Temple, I really really don't want to go. it takes forever for tat stupid movie to get done with...

HAhahahHa

I hate hate HATE my companion so much. So so so so so so much. He is a horrible person. (Drawings)


-JULY 30-
Why is it everytime I see Elder Barton I want to punch him in the face? Seriously, he doesn't even have to say anything anymore, it's just his face. Of course when he opens his mouth, it's much worse, but still... I HATE everyone here. The church is a joke, it's based off of thinly veiled threats and guilt trips. RAWR!


-AUGUST 1-
Met with President Stacy. He said I'm clinically depressed and should go to the Health Center tomorrow. I just want to not be here. I wish I could die of a heart attack just to get out of here. That doesn't count as suicide, right?

I don't want to go get Psych help tomorrow. AGGGGGHHH I hate THIS!!

Emma, Emma, Emma... EMMA. She is so beautiful. I love everything about her. Such an amazing person.

-END-
The next day I went to their health clinic, got told I needed help, and sent home. When I got help, the shrink just said I didn't believe in Mormonism, and sent me on my way. I've been perfectly fine ever since. Also I left in the last part about Emma because I thought it was funny. I took out all of the other girl-related bits. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2010 01:15PM by Susan I/S.

Sometimes I wonder if the subconscious mind rescues us by creating so much misery that we have to change something.

So glad you took care of yourself instead of submitting to 2 years of mind numbing obedience to a cult.

park a car near the MTC with a hide a key and have it ready for mutineers on a rotating basis...
After reading this we might need a fleet, I think its more common than we know.Thanks so much for sharing.

So redpuppy... how did it go after you came home.
Did your family freak out and shun you ?
I know mine would have. I mentioned my doubt the day I went in the mtc and my mom pleaded with me not to embarrass the family like that and come home. She told me to stick it out so my girl friend would marry me on return. I married her in the temple and never went back... I have not believed in the tscc since.

You are right about the "thinly veiled threats and guilt trips." How fortunate that 1) your shrink had the smarts to see what the problem really was (your trying to be a missionary when you don't believe in Mormonism) and 2) that you escaped the MTC before you got shipped off to your mission site. <whew>

And like Mo Larkey, I'm wondering... how did it go after you went home?

How many missionaries go through this? Are you doing okay now?

Well for the first week or so I was under the assumption I was clinically depressed, at least until I met with the professional. She said she had worked with another person very similar to me, and she said he wasn't "depressed" either, but had simply decided to serve a mission while not believing it. So now I know I don't have a medical condition.

My parents, however, are a different group altogether. They were fine with me coming home early. I told my dad with the professional had told me (didn't want to break my poor mother's heart), and he said he understood. But BOTH of them still think I'm depressed. They've been printing out articles and stuff, saying that depressed people often blame religion. To be honest though, I'm fine with it, I've never been very close to either of them.

The one thing that really got my goat though is what the actual church did about it. My bishop announced to the ENTIRE WARD that I was coming home early due to depression. As such, the few times I've gone back have consisted of people treating me 100% differently and acting like I'm on the verge of suicide. People keep giving me consolation and life advice, and it's really annoying. This seems to me like a horrible lack of judgment on the Bishops part.

A good chunk of my friends are non-Mormons so they're all chill with it and are just happy to have me back.

Yeah if I see missionaries I'm going to be nice to them, because I know what they have to go through.

Even my companion, who I ended up wanting to punch in the face by the end, started out a pretty chill guy. I think the MTC was breaking him too. I had talked with multiple Elder's there who said the only reason they were there is because they had to (whether by family pressure, girlfriend pressure, etc). Of course we all discussed this under our breath because we feared we were speaking blasphemy.

I also think it's funny that the church doesn't realize how many unworthy missionaries are there. I heard a lot of missionaries swear, one even swore in the middle of a lesson. One had had sex with his girlfriend. Not just once but multiple times, then lied to his bishop. Even I was "unworthy" to go, when I tried 100% to be the best I could be.

But yeah I'm doing perfectly fine now! All is right with my world once again. :)

When a missionary returns home early from his mission, the entire ward generally assumes that he has committed a moral transgression. (The reason for the early return, whatever it is, should be none of their business, of course; but this is what happens in Mormon churches.) My guess is that your bishop wanted to make it clear to the ward that you were not guilty of “sin,” so that they would not misjudge you accordingly.

In his efforts to rescue you from one inaccurate and unfair judgment, the bishop unintentionally thrust you into another. This is unfortunate and your frustration is very understandable.

Did your bishop show lack of judgment/common sense? Yes, but no more than the average Mormon bishop anywhere. Mormons have no sense of boundaries.

This is for you RedPuppy....and for all of us that made it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGa70tVYVKo

Many of us where nothing but the product of all the pressures around us. We didn't even know how to push back. Pushing back was sinful anyway. We just hid our natural and rational feelings back away in our minds somewhere, then we did as we were told. We conformed and obeyed. That was survival.

Until one day -- maybe decades later -- we exploded!

The sooner you explode, the better.

You have the right to be the REAL YOU. The church is trying to kill that REAL YOU you.

Fight for you true life!

have bailed like you did. I went to London, so I thought once I got out of the MTC, I would like Europe. I hated the MTC so bad, like you. London would have been nice, but when your dressed like a freak, and you are made to act like a cult member - well the London Bridge and Tower don't make up for it. Glad you bailed. You had keen insight and great courage at such a young age.

I went throught he exact same thing that you did. I was in the MTC for six weeks though and was suposed to go to NEw York City and speak Spainish. I am glad that you are seeing that you do not believe it. It took me a year after geting sent home from the MTC (medical release) before I finally was able to admit to myself that it was all a bunch of Bull Shit. I am curently writing a book to explain all of the things that were going on with me during the time. Congradualtions on winning your freedom!