Any advice on getting through depression with a spouse?

DH, I and our children left tscc 5 years ago. Dh's depression is mainly due to the loss of his family since leaving. We no longer have any of our previous relationships with family, friends, church members, etc. This has been a very hard time for us and we both have been struggling to adjust to our new life and make new friends. He is on medication and seeing a therapist. But still his depression is negatively effecting our marriage. His mood is always down, very hard to talk to, he doesn't take very good care of himself anymore (lacks sleep, gained weight, no exercise, etc.), their is no romance/affection anymore, and just being around him brings me down. Just so everyone knows its not because we miss Mormonism. We both have no regrets about leaving Mormonism, we would due it all over again even knowing all the relationships that we would lose, we our very happy being not mormon.
How do I be supportive and help him and not let this effect our marriage? Any advice is appreciated?

I am most certainly no expert (or medical professional), but what you describe seems to me to be serious...and is probably only tangentially related to the departure of both of you from Mormonism...

I would get him to a physician for a relevant check-up (tell the doctor what is going on)...and then to a therapist if that seems to be called for.

What you describe sounds like it really does need professional attention.

Yes he has seen a dr, therapist and is on medication already.

Does he drink coffee? It would be good to start if he doesn't. It can help with his mood.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/31/2016 08:40PM by rhgc.

Is there any chance of drawing closer to your own family? Another thought is exploring the family tree on DH's side. Perhaps there are cousins or other relations who have also left the church.

My side of the family isn't a possibility. We were very close with DH's large TBM family before leaving but they abandoned the relationship with us once they found out we no longer believed. DH's parents have spread the word through out the family. We still hold out hope that someone will also leave and we can have a relationship with them but so far the family relationships just keep getting worse. And we have stopped trying.

I would agree with Tevai, especially because you say you left the church 5 years ago. Since he is on medication, perhaps he should be on different one. You also say he is seeing a therapist and I would hope it is a non-LDS therapist. Maybe time to switch medications, and switch therapists? I would seek medical help, as Tevai suggested.

Yes, he is seeing a non-lds therapist.

I absolutely belive that your husband's depression is cult-related. First of all, the perfectionism, the hatred of apostates, gays, etc., the dustespect fir women and children, the brainwashing and lies, the dysfunctional families, the absence if unconditional love--that was a depressing environment live in. Actually, Your family members are behaving like growth-stunted, brainwashed, CULT members. Anyone would be depressed to be shunned, falsely judged, and consemned by the same people who were supposed to live them! Your iwn parents! Family! Mormon friends and neighbors! Suddenly no one will even look at you.

I'm glad your husband has a goid non-Mormon therapist. I was in therapy when I resigned, and it helped a lot!

What worked for me, was to put Mormons out of my life. My children left the cult with me, and we had each other. We had my children's good non-Mormon friends, and I made friends with their parents.

I have a career, so there isn't any empty space in my life, where the church used to be. On Sundays we get together as a family, and ski, mountain bike, have a barbecue--anything we feel like doing.

We all need to focus on what we have, instead of what we lost! I did not join another religious or social group--i was not up to socializing.

Solitude and relaxation and self acceptance can be healing. Solitude is not loneliness.

Let go of the cult--it was fake.
Let go of the dream of the perfect family--that was fake, too.
Your husband needs to let go of the judgments--they were not from God.
God does not care if you don't go to church. He does not care if you will never be a Stake President in a fake man-made con, or a priesthood-holder of a fake priesthood. You have stopped giving your 10% to a scam. There are REAL charities that need our help. My wise grandmother used to say, "When you feel sad, do something nice for somebody else."

I had to give up on my Mormon family completely. They wanted me to be depressed and lonely. They wanted to hurt me. They wanted me to fail. Anyone who wants bad things to happen to you, is by definition an enemy.
You and your husband can try Ignoring your enemies, for a few months. No contact. No church of any kind. No "triggers" from the past.

Maybe your husband will feel better by Christmas, and you can send them all a Christmas letter.

Worked for me.

Any chance there are people at his/your work, who are not LDS, that you could socialize with?
It's hard to make new friends, but very worthwhile.
His family dumped him. That's really rough.
The sooner you can find some people to be around who like you, and want to spend time with you, the better.

Good luck.

If you are in the SoCal area, I'll take him golfing; give him a real reason to be depressed!!


ETA: I have a spare set of clubs, and bag. I'm serious.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2016 07:06PM by elderolddog.

Sounds fun but a long way from where we are.

If it's in your budget, see if he'd let you buy him a set of group lessons. If he gets hooked into the game, the two of you could go to a local course and use their practice facilities for either free, (chipping & putting) or for cheap, on the driving range.

It's easy to make friends at a golf course, since everyone wants someone with whom to commiserate.

There are some great TED Talks on happiness. Seriously I have found them to be very useful, especially when I was struggling with depression.

One of the things I learned, and still do to this day is the 3 gratitudes daily trick. At the end of each day I think of 3 things, activities, moments, etc that happened that day that I am gratful for. It just takes a minute or two, but the science behind it is that it slowly rewires the brain to see more positively in life. I know it sounds a little like wishful thinking, but there are studies and science behind it and it works.

Doesn't sound weird to me I've been doing that too. I've been reading Brene Browns work, that's where I got the idea. It really does work :)

I don't want to sound flippant, but it's the TBM's that need counseling.

They are either so inculcated in the cult that they are rejecting someone who went against the "tribe", or they are so insecure in their religion that they can't follow their own 11th Article of Faith to let him do what he wants.

From what you've said in your posts, you're trying to be proactive with the depression. I'm going to send you lots of hugs and positive vibes for healing. Very best wishes for recovery for you and your husband. If possible (you'd know best) you may just want to hold him and reassure him that you love him and that you're a couple--regardless of family shunning. The Boner.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm on anti-depressants and going to therapy. My family has history of mental illness; yes, mental illness is inherited and in family lines. So if he's a TBM that has family dealing with Depression, Bi-Polar (these are the two that seem to be most prevalent in the Mormon genes) then it's not social or due to past; but rather inherited and nothing to ashamed of.

Now the therapy does really help with me dealing with my upbringing and history of dealing with the church and the emotional stages that we all go through when dealing with our association with the church, the priesthood responsibilities, the teaching/speaking fears, the motherhood and fatherhood being forced on young adults not ready or prepared, the financial burdens, etc...

I agree that he might need to see another physician. He may be taking the wrong dose or the wrong medication, or he may be one of those who does not respond well to medication.

If he hasn't already, I suggest he get a full blood panel. Depression can be caused or exacerbated by nutritional deficiencies. Something as simple as a vitamin D supplement might help.

Have you tried any of the meet up regularly posted here? Give a city or area and I bet someone can direct you to a group.

I'm sure circumstances have contributed to his depression. Loss of support from family and friends don't help. But if it's chemical, there is very little you can do to reason with him or talk him out of it.

I go through this with my wife. There are days where no amount of trying to be rational, trying to encourage, trying to have a positive attitude helps. Her mind gets in a depressive fog that is beyond her control.

The advice of getting professional treatment is sound. If he is not responding to the current treatment, try different meds and doses. If his counselor is not being effective try someone new. Someone last week discussed NAMI, which is also a great organization.

But I'm with you. It is draining ... I know exactly how it feels to feel helpless and drained and torn down. It's like hitting a wall and not being able to make any change for the better.

The thread I started from last week is at http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1865698

DH lost 80 lbs in three months after our little grandson died.

I bought us a house that needed a ton of work just to be livable.

We literally had to "chop wood, carry water." DH said that he couldn't have gotten well otherwise.

Not for everyone, I know, but that helped us.

Good luck to you and your husband.

Perhaps you should consider going to a counselor for yourself to learn skills for coping with living with someone suffering from depression.

Take a pair of board shorts, a tank top, some good hiking sandals, a hammock, snorkel, mask and fins and go find a couple of coconut trees on Little Beach to swing between.
Go get brainwashed my Mother Nature, gliding along in the surf with turtles, dolphins and 10,000 humpbacks singing love songs under the Milky Way.

koriwhore Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Take a pair of board shorts, a tank top, some good
> hiking sandals, a hammock, snorkel, mask and fins
> and go find a couple of coconut trees on Little
> Beach to swing between.
> Go get brainwashed my Mother Nature, gliding along
> in the surf with turtles, dolphins and 10,000
> humpbacks singing love songs under the Milky Way.

That sounds awesome, koriwhore. I would like to be there, too.

Its $400RT from Seattle.you dont need a hotel, just a hammock and a fishing pole. You can sleep on any beach in Maui as long as youre "just fishin". And the local herb? Wowie!

This is really a tough situation and my heart goes out to you. I agree he should see another doctor and get a second opinion, just to make sure this isn't something to do with his med dosage, etc.

Is it possible you could get him to volunteer in an animal shelter, homeless shelter, soup kitchen or something similar where he would be helpful to someone? Concentrating on someone else's problems may be what he needs to help him put his depression to the back of his mind.

Good thoughts going your way tonight.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2016 11:26PM by DebbiePA.

I've got this theory that you almost have to have a little depression in you to acknowledge the BS of church. The partiers and highly social don't seem to care whether it is true or not. So which is chicken or egg?

For many, the high of church is masking an underlying depressed nature. Some depressed join religion, others drink or do drugs. Tough when those quit working.

I consider myself to be naturally a bit miserable. When church seemed true, helped to overcome that, but when could no longer ignore the BS, the underlying depression surfaced.

Then there was a long list of BS I recognized and had to work through. Marriage wasn't what it seemed, my career didn't fit me, government is mostly a scam, etc, etc. I did therapy and meds but found them to be BS, at least for me.

Eventually I was able to deal with reality and am as happy as I'm probably going to get.

But, yeah, it's tough to accept that your family probably never cared about you as a person. My elderly folks live 3 hours away and just went past us with my brother to go to somebody's temple marriage. Couldn't stop to visit because brother had a church meeting to get back to.

On the bright side, I had felt like I should go visit them, but now not so much. I'm free to be 'selfish' and do some things I like.

At some point just need to find people who really like you. Or just get some cows like I have. They love a good back scratching. And I've got friends from work. Enough for me.

Study Kratom a natural herb great for depression. Have been using it for 2 years and it's a miracle. So good for depression, pain, allergies, and energy that the FDA is trying to ban it. Doctors and Pharma will loose billions. I get the Green Borneo for energy and the Horned for relaxation. Nothing in it for me just love to help.

this may be way out of line, apologies to fellow sufferers of catastrophes abuse ptsd & assorted other sufferers. I do not minimize nor distort and stress not to understate your situation.

Its agreed upon that impact from loosing one's social support system is to blame for a cascade of woes which can make a whooziness where one's brake on social escapades and a safe escape can escalate.

Its agreed upon that further constant continual contact with those whose shaming blaming scapegoating or formerly loving now rejecting social contacts causes cascade of panic or anger or pain or vulnerability - which 'they' won't stop and 'we' can't stop, its a tragic lock step -reject- loop.

and in that safe place, that formerly somewhat safe place, that formerly so unsafe somewhat toxic space - being- in awareness - is now- an unsafe space both socially & therefore, emotionally.
and guess what? the mind and body- its attached! can you believe it! so instead of being physically ill the body is lying very very still.

(Personally I think its a instinctive response predates being human in the presence of a dangerous predator from which we couldn't hide /our body's ancestors couldn't hide/ and couldn't escape run jump or climb- is to freeze. /go to ground/ roll huddle cuddle make a small invisible space. and its instinctive.

so in this 'social' space the gestalt of known community or one's capacity in the community was via family. and now that family is rejecting. It is or has the real capacity to be a predatory stimulus (particularly in a small local community or paradoxically in a very large city where contacts are so impersonal that the family flow as all you know.) )

People talk about getting out, making a new routine. Neither you nor I can fathom specific admonishons that are tailored to him. His needs, his desires, what he likes, what he loves, tastes flavors colors experiences he needs someone he knows to go through his life flow and bring it back orbring it on in a healthy way that's meaningful to him.
and also, this is where some might think its gets offensive, life coaching a set of routine actions can get a person moving up and through a daily routine, incorporating habits hobbies you name it. How to this and integrate personal choice, respect for a being who has already been profoundly disrespected by his former culture (LDS) and now everyone related to him he'd built his life upon. Anything to makes futuility or vulnerability or powerlessness a requisite to strength in action (like the cult did) (or some power athletic coach yelling obscenities at you to lift weights) might re-enact the same lds "victim of your rules I'll knuckle down and do whatever you say I hate it" life. That's not what you want!

coaching life routines, and coaching professional skill sets, and coaching personal care, even coaching athletic skill development particularly after an injury, are all profoundly powerful experiences which are life changing. PROVIDED it is self chosen, no coaching imposed by others or their beliefs upon him. As long as the personal issues are addressed, and all coaching reflects actual personal choice - own desire- own preferences
(and not a whole pile of a new set of 'cult'-ture piled on the unwilling target- respect the person climbing out of depression, don't "should" them to death, get a coach that inquires about and respects their taste in everything from literature to dance moves to music to everything.
(You may not believe this, but I have witnessed coaching right down to gang colors and proper attire. Coaches coach nearly everything. So what you want is not ' a coach' anyone you can find nearest you- I mean the people nearest his family hurt him, really reaaaaly hurt him. So be thoughtful any coach that works with him is continugent upon identifying and caring for what he loves.)

pssst did he receive any coaching from an LDS based professional management team lately? anything that would cross-thread or create actual inner conflict because the lds professional skill coach or work site trainer incorporated a few church phrases or church values into their metaphor or pep talk, then whenever they touch your shoulder zam the metaphorical learning - your constant yearning not to be lds- and the inner fight begins again. all over again.
Every time a Mormon who was a missionary or is in human resource management or such meets with you, if they are not entirely cognizant (self aware) and ethics- where they value you, you rate higher than their god (which is unlikely) so they promote you and your needs, not the needs of their god
when they text, talk, and hug you. That's what he needs.

In my opinion.

I am really sorry you and your husband are suffering. I have gone through some pretty bad depression over the years (in part because I felt cut off from family and old friends) and I know it has been hard on my husband. I feel for both of you.

I would suggest your husband up the dose of his medication or try something new. It took me a long time to find something that helped. Also, does your husband have any hobbies or sports that he enjoys? Encourage him to focus on those. Even with medication and exercise, sometimes with depression you just have to sit back and pray for daylight.

Big hug. I know there are no easy answers.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2016 02:23AM by Atari.

I am 65 and have had problems with depression my whole life. Coming from a dysfunctional home and having a dad bail out on the whole family when I was 12 did not help me any either. When I was 35, job stress took me down to what I call "Black Hole" depression. After seeing a psychiatrist, I found out that I had a brain chemistry problem and medication helped. I have been on medication for the last 28 years. What has helped me much more is having a loving wife stick with me during my deepest struggles. She was the one who insisted on me getting professional help. Next week will be our 37th anniversary.

Offhand, I would say that your husband has a situational caused depression and medication is useful, but should be only seen as a temporary band aid. He has suffered a tremendous loss of people who were important in his life. It is probably as if his entire family and all of his friends were killed in a plane crash. He could be still in a grieving process which sometimes lasts a long time, even years.

This is a very serious situation and you two need to keep exploring to see what can be found that could help. Sounds like you two need to reconnect in your marriage and perhaps a tune up would help. There are groups which actually put on marriage seminars to help couples strengthen their marriages. Perhaps you and him need to take a vacation to spend sometime alone just having fun. I also depend on having a good sense of humor to help me with life