There is one thing that I always notice about myself is how crippled I am with having grown up in mormonism. I realize how much I need to still grow. How much better a person could I have been without the church? "Imagine"


You can shine your shoes and wear a suit
You can comb your hair and look quite cute
You can hide your face behind a smile
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

You can wear a mask and paint your face
You can call yourself the human race
You can wear a collar and a tie
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

Well now you know that your
Cat has nine lives
Nine lives to itself
But you only got one
And a dog's life ain't fun(sorry elderolddog, if John says it it must be true)
Momma take a look outside

You can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge me by the color of my skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

I am so angry at the people who continue to perpetuate this lie, especially when they know better. It is criminal!
I am angry that my wife now resents the situation that hypocrites and liars have manufactured. She no longer trusts me. Everything is ask; the bishop, my dad, your dad. Talk to someone else because the conclusion that you came to isn't right. Because of this manufactured and perpetuated con I am seen as deceived and evil, even though I am not the one doing anything wrong. I am mad that my family is afraid of me. I am hurting. I feel so alone.

I continue to wait for the day when someone else in my family says to me, "Gimmie Some Truth".

/rant

It feels like there's a missing part. A hole where there should be a heart.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2016 06:26PM by donbagley.

Dear scaredhusband,
you are loved here. Hang in there, buddy. You have worth and your presence is valued here on RfM. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way, dude. Pour out your feelings here...we'll listen and share stories with you.
-edzachery

We get it. You're not alone.

I know it feels that way, but you are not crippled, though that was nicely written.

I just have to say it applies to those who never try to move through the process of healing.

They can't see how your decisions are growing more sound. They can't feel the strength of your love once freed. They don't know that you could teach them to soar.

I feel sorry for them, scaredhusband. For now, they remain crippled. Maybe they will see what healing looks like.

I'm going to repeat what the posters above said. You're probably really hurting and feeling broken, but you will find strength in knowing that you're not living a lie. My sincere hope is that you will recognize that you are not broken, but are feeling anxious because you realize your life is now your own to live.

Many of us feel, or have felt, broken beyond repair. We have been lied to, made to feel shameful, made to feel unworthy, and taught that we are Apostate's. Fuck that! We are thinking, caring, loving, hopeful, empowered individuals who did something VERY remarkable. We left a cult!

Please vent, SC. A big Bro-hug from your friend, the Boner.

As ironic as it sounds you are living with people who are not only crippled "inside" they cripple those around them who don't share their beliefs, by making you feel inferior and somehow not measuring up to the LDS standards of working toward perfection.

That includes buying the lies, incorporating them into the psyche where they stay and take over every aspect of their lives.

You are being treated with ridicule for not accepting that 'system.' It's their cognitive dissonance making you the enemy, the adversary. The devil has you in his clutches. They can't possibly be wrong, so the onus is all on you.

You are being scapegoated. Logically it's easy to say what's going on. Inwardly you are internalizing their rejection and it is making you feel like you're broken, on the inside.

How much longer are you going to stay in that arrangement? It sounds like it isn't going to sustain you and you need to find your way out. Like the FLDS who when they wake up, need to escape their compound.

In a sense, perhaps it is time for you to escape yours?

"You are being treated with ridicule for not accepting that 'system.' It's their cognitive dissonance making you the enemy, the adversary. The devil has you in his clutches. They can't possibly be wrong, so the onus is all on you."

So true. Despite being a nevermo, my wife still expected me to accept the "system." She used to quite frequently say to me (or about others in the news/tv/movies who think as I do), that I am a pawn of the adversary, lacking in morals and self-control, etc.

She would say it without even thinking about what she was say or to whom she was saying it. I called her on it few weeks ago, quoting exactly what she had said, and she was shocked: "Did I really say that?! I never meant to say you were evil!"

It's been a few weeks, and she has not repeated any of those statements I called her on.

I just needed to vent. There are some things that can't be said to those around me. My family and friends lack the understanding and empathy to know what they are actually saying and doing. Most everything is a knee jerk pre conditioned response. To others, that don't even know about my faith(or lack of), I am still the same great person that I used to be.

Thank you all for your supportive and kind words. Ed, you are the man. We can wish our situations are different but only someone like you can handle your situation like you did with such class and bravery.

Boner, wisdom spoken like any thinking, caring, loving, hopeful, empowered individual would. I look up to someone with such a firm grip on their manliness. See what I did there?

Amyjo, I can always count on you to give me an analysis and perspective that makes me think. It also gives me a more whole view of the situation.

presleynfactsrock, Thanks for your encouragement. Venting is only human and quite therapeutic.

Some days are harder than others. The particular day I posted was one of those rough ones. It still is difficult to break conditioning when it is something that I have been told all my life. I was taught that any negative feeling was of the devil. The fact is that all emotions are natural, part of being human. I have to allow myself to healthy recognize and express them. It has been a learning process. Every day I am continuing to truly be a better person. Instead of stagnating and mucking in the already tainted dogma of mormonism.

You can wear a mask and paint your face
You can call yourself the human race
You can wear a collar and a tie
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

Two faced hypocrites and liars in suits and ties can't hide when their crippled inside. I know what they have to sacrifice to stay in the church. They have had to do one or more things to stay faithful; self censor by being willfully ignorant, self lobotomize, or throw away any integrity they have. I could no longer do any of those things once truth became the most important thing to me.

I'm sick and tired of hearing things
From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth
I've had enough of reading things
By neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth

No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky
Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me
With just a pocketful of hope...


-John Lennon



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2016 12:30PM by scaredhusband.

You know the saying that growing older is not for sissies, well, that sure applies to leaving a cult also. There is nothing easy about it. The anger, the hurt, the shaming, the cog dis are all things that dig deep, and often ebb and tide, and that ain't easy.

I so agree that it helps to know that their are those who can relate because they are in the same boat as you. This empathy, this experience, this caring all help you realize that you ARE NOT CRAZY and that others' experience and help can carry you when you think you cannot manage to crawl.

I will share that there were days in the beginning of my anger at the actions of the church (perpetuation of a sleazy-no-good-for-nothing scumbag like Joey and his fraudulent congame, lying all while smiling and saying ain't we the be-all of righteousnss, and their continual hautie arrogance of no questions allowed, you peons) that, because of my indoctrination, I doubted my researched conclusions. My self-image was already in question and this crisis I felt only made it worse. I had purposely found the church's outlined path to happiness and chosen to take that path and now, everything was up in smoke.

I vouch that venting helps a lot! so vent away and keep coming back.