An acquaintance has married 3 times - all men she met at LDS singles. All were losers.

Rather than chose men with whom one feels attraction and compatibility, my sense is that some women trust the Church and the Holy Spirit to lead them to a temple worthy spouse. Hence, they ignore red flags and rely on faith that the marriage will work.

Anyone confirm or deny? Thoughts?

Gotta be a worthy penis holder.in my local mid singles scene seems like all the worthy holders are just loserish unemployed guys, slim pickings but I guess after 30 it's bound to be like that

Rolled tacos on a sunday Wrote:
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> Gotta be a worthy penis holder.in my local mid singles scene seems like all the worthy holders
> are just loserish unemployed guys, slim pickings but I guess after 30 it's bound to be like that
================================
Uhh... scuse me!
Just because a person is over 30 and unmarried, you think they're a loser?

I was 33 when I got married. My husband was 41. I guess we's a couple of losers. 30 years later, are we still losers?

You make it sound like a meat market and the meat's outdated. If that is how you really look at people, maybe you better go back and play with the Mormons.

But if you really want to find a good man and not just a suit labeled "priesthood"- Volunteer. What's important to you? Nice guys who care feed the homeless, rescue animals and work at shelters, plant trees, build houses... unlimited opportunities!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2016 02:31AM by Doxi.

Is it possible that the male they pick is an incidental and minor detail in terms of the goal they are seeking?

I get a sense that the guy is a just a cut out that needs to be plugged in to the final set design, and it's this set piece, with all the different Is dotted and Ts crossed that the TBM ladies want. Like having temple photos and GA photos on one wall, a book shelf with church books and the family photo wall...

There's a list and 'priesthood husband' is just another item that needs to be checked off.

ElderOldDog, I think you're describing a TBM Ken-doll for the Molly Mormon's LDS Barbie doll house. Problem is, some Kens are decent hardworking and loving/lovable blokes, but some...aren't.

The object of mormonism is to hurry up and get married. To be married. It's not about getting to know a person, having a relationship and find out if this is someone you can live with. Mormonism has couples marrying the church before each other.

dk Wrote:
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> Mormonism has couples marrying the church before each other.

The temple marriage ceremony has both parties vow fidelity to
the Church, and not to each other. Nothing about love or
cherish or respect for each other, just vowing to keep the
covenants made in the Temple.

My sense is that what people refer to as the holy spirit is just their own hormones in overdrive. Some people conflate that feeling of attraction to someone as the holy spirit, simply because the "holy spirit" is complete bullshit. So people aren't really making rational pairing decisions. And mormonism doesn't teach you how to problem solve, resolve conflict, or to even understand yourself well enough to know what your dealbreakers are. You're supposed to forgive and ignore any incompatibility whatsoever because prayer will fix all the things. Mormons have no relationship skills whatsoever, as many of us who got out as adults have found. How many threads have we had where people were like, WTF do I do now for a social life?

All that said, I would suggest that labeling other people's marriages as "losers" says a lot more about the OP than it does about the people who are in said marriages. Keep your eyes on your own damn paper and worry about YOUR relationship choices. Try not giving a fuck about other people's marriages. Focus on your own.

The object of getting married in the LDS church is finding someone that CHURCH INC finds worthy, not whom you deem worthy for YOUR LIFE.

I have met more than my fair share of LDS men who thought all they had to "be" was what the church told them to be.

I have met more than my fair share of LDS women who thought all they had to "be" was what the church told them to be. I was one of them. It seemed easier to work on the "recipe" card of what it meant to be a happy woman than actually FIND happiness. It took me many years to figure out happiness is created and appreciated.

As someone who is far more that 40 years old, I can attest that there are plenty of great people who have learned, have grown, and became a lot more than just someone who needed a ring and church approval.

In a nutshell-the happiest relationships are between people that define together what makes them happy and they protect it. ANYTIME you follow someone else's definition of happiness you will NEVER find it.

RMM

I found that as a never-married RM BYU business graduate with a well paying job, I was very desirable as a potential spouse to many Mormons only in love with "my resume" so to speak. I could have literally had my "pick of the litter", had I been so inclined.

I eventually married a never-MO who still loves me for who I am after more than forty years and not what I represent. Too many Mormon women confuse the two which results in loveless, unfulfilled marriages.

Immediately off the top of my head, I can think of three women in this exact situation. All TBMs, all married at least 3 times, and each time they married very quickly to someone they met through LDS singles (events, internet, etc).

It's not that all the divorced LDS guys are losers anymore than the divorced LDS women are. Don't get me wrong, the majority are losers. But many are not. The problem is that they don't take the time to find out how compatible they are. ESPECIALLY after a first marriage, you'd think people would know better and want to take that time. But it seems to be just the opposite. They are so freakin horny and so fucked up in the head about having pre-marital sex, so what happens? "Well, he/she has, or can get, a temple recommend, so that has to mean it will work out." The Mormon mindfuck at it's finest.

My brother fits the loser TBM priesthood temple recommend holder template. Been married 4-5 times (I've lost track) once or twice in the temple to poor temple marriage rejected women who think that maybe "this time" will be different. My brother has never held down a job, had 5 kids, that I know of, that he refused to pay child support for, and spent the last 10 years sponging off my parents. He's an abusive a-hole that beats his wife(s) and kids. He's a parasite.

But, because he's temple worthy, he's a catch to the LDS single women on the dating sites. He has always been able to find a woman that wants him, despite the red flags....of course, I'm sure that none of his potential wife-material girlfriends get to see the red flags before they marry him. He's a good liar and pretender.

It's unfortunate.

applesauce

I've always said that many Mormons are casting for a role in their personal life-play. They aren't looking to become something in and of themselves. They are taught to feel incomplete until they have that all important temple marriage. Nor are they looking for a friend and partner to share their life journey with who is compatible. They are looking to cast the role of Peter Priesthood or Molly Mormon in their personal life story. Often anyone who fits the image (or can fake it) will do. They have been told what to look for (rather than discovering for themselves what to want in a spouse.) They find someone who has the minimum qualifications and cast that person immediately, fearing that if they don't move promptly, their entire eternal salvation is at stake.

Their self-image, reputation, sense of worthiness even are tied to marrying "the right person in the right place." They assume (because the church teaches) that if the person has the right qualifications for the role of "Worthy Mormon Spouse" such as "returned missionary" or "virgin" or "faithful" or "temple recommend holder" then the "play" will be a success. They rush and they settle because they are afraid of becoming a "loser" like the poster above labeled them. Because Mormons are brainwashed to believe anyone who isn't reproducing and training more Mormons or who doesn't fit the family image of the church - is failing the church somehow. It's very sad that terrific people in the over-25 singles group are labeled by others and even themselves, as being somehow unworthy. It's one of those damaging lies the church spreads, for their own benefit, that is so much more hurtful than they realize. Not just because of how it makes the singles feel but because it pressures them into marriages that don't work for them or are just adequate, because they are following the Mormon program, not their own hearts.

The above is so well written...and struck a loud chord in me.

My Ex spouse and I were so painfully incompatible. I was 21 and he was 32. We were both converts and he was looking for a wife.

. He proposed after dating three months and he wanted to marry in three as well. I tried to slow down his foot on the gas. We were engaged about 9 mos and had a Temple Ceremony.

He wanted to start a family right away, but before we married I insisted we wait at least a year. He agreed prior to marriage, but tried to change my mind all the time and tried to manipulate the types of birth control we were using.

I was so naive, I thought it is just because he waited so long and wanted to have the dream. Nope, I realize now he wanted to seal the deal.

We found out we had fertility issues and he made it his personal mission to figure out everything we could do to get me pregnant. It eventually happened.

Two kids later our marriage was in a deep black hole that I knew we would not recover from. He was deeply unhappy with marriage and started abusing me in every way.

I started to grow a spine when the abuse turned to our first born for not being "perfect". I protected our kids and started to take myself seriously.

During a fight he told me..."I HIRED you for a job. THIS is your job and if I could fire you I would." I realized that in his head, I was the "role" he hired to play in his life.

ANYONE could have taken that role as long as they were virginal, LDS worthy, popped out kids and NEVER questioned him. That was the job. TO take care of HIS life and his DREAM.

I spoke up and said "Well I quit. The benefits suck and the boss is a nightmare."

RMM

I see a lot of marriages of convenience. Not because they really love each other but because it is what the church tells them they need to do to be saved. The church also tells them that they aren't successful unless they have a gaggle of children and a temple marriage. It is like a time crunch too. If you put it off to get through school or because you aren't interested in dating at the moment you are selfish. You are not as righteous as someone who did get married, and didn't wait. What a stupid excuse for a religion.

MIND CONTROL, MIND CONTROL, MIND CONTROL!!

I married a RM in the temple when I was 18. I divorced him 22 months later.

I went to a handful of different singles wards and hardly ever met any guys who weren't jerks, losers and/or manipulative. Not saying they were all that way, some were genuinely good men. BUT I would say the way men and women are raised in the church sets them up for failure. Especially with the mindset that you get married quickly when you're practically a child still, then you're supposed to have babies right away. Talk about shitty advice! I dated some never-mo's in high school and not one tried to compromise my "standards", but a few RM's in the singles wards did, and of course were such "spiritual" good men in the eyes of the branch president..and they would show up to church the day after trying to feel me up and pass the sacrament and teach gospel doctrine. they were recommended to me by the leaders. GROSS. No discernment there! I can see why so many marriages fail from meeting in singles wards.

The LDS singles scene, at least in Utah, was/is indeed a meat market, full of people who devoutly believe married is the only way to be -- and, like NormaRae posted, are f_cked up in the head about non-marital sex (even with themselves), so they're incredibly horny and wound-up. As a result, people who can manage to snag a spouse vanish quickly, leaving the chronically undateable to circle around each other at every dance and activity (and online) until fresh meat shows up. This atmosphere only increases the sense of desperation its denizens feel.

Think hyenas in the desert, fighting over scraps of carrion. If that's all there is and you're hungry enough...

I am single and divorced Utah boy after 40 years of marriage.
The major cause was my ability to think outside the LDS church and refusal to go on a proselyting mission with my mega tbm wife at sixty three years old at the time.

I am a loser now to Utah women I meet since I lost alost 70% of my assets and retirement in the ugly and expensive divorce to a stay at home tbm wife that did not appreciate me.

And guess what? ..Men don't come out of divorce wealthier in at 63 years old in retiremtent . Its called gray Divorces now.

At this point of life the women I meet I think I'm a pretty good catch since I'm healthy,not fat or bald and physically active but ALL and I mean ALL want security which in our conversations equals more money, not just adequate money.

All I want is to be appreciated but it comes at a co$t!!

I know the above is not true for all but for the last 2 years all the women I have met and dated want MONEY to help solve their ugly past and obligations!

rant off

So sorry this happened to you! :(
I have sadly met too many men and women "stuck" in marriages at your age because of money. Think of it this way.

You bought your freedom. Are YOU worth the price of that?

Give it time. You will find companionship with a lovely woman who will ask for nothing more than your company.

Go fishin again..throw the little ones back. (The ones that are looking for a bank roll instead of heart and soul).

Also, keep in mind that everyone past the age of 40 has a past and there is probably going to be some baggage. Should you be the one to fix it? Nah.

Just speak up about how you aren't looking to "buy" a girlfriend.

:) RMM

Compatibility isn't the issue. A Mormon marriage is a master-slave relationship. If you're male you are the master, if you are female you are the slave. Only a good deal for the slave if she can't find another job. Otherwise why would a slave want a master?

(I congratulate myself for having not used the n-word here, which is what I often call myself sarcastically)