Posted by:
Finally Free!
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Date: June 26, 2016 12:38PM
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago.
I don't know what you're dealing with specifically, but it's a horrible disease that impacts everyone around the person affected with it.
If you're looking for advice, I recommend the following:
- Contact your local NAMI organization, there are free classes and support groups for family and friends of people who have mental illnesses like BPD. I have been to both and I highly recommend them. They are informative and, if nothing else, it lets you know that you're not alone in dealing with what you're dealing with.
- The best treatment available for BPD is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It was developed by Marsha M. Lineman, she has BPD herself, and it has helped my wife in ways we never thought possible. The best programs have all three components, weekly one-on-one therapy sessions to deal directly with emotional issues, weekly skills training/group program to teach emotional skills and tools to help the person with BPD manage their emotions helpful ways, rather than harmful ways, and finally an on-call 24-7 emergency counseling, to deal with issues that can't wait for the weekly session. It is very intense, the program my wife signed up for required a 18 month minimum commitment... 2 1/2 years later, she's still going to weekly therapy and has graduated from the 1st set of skills training and is now attending an advance group program. It's no magic bullet, there isn't one. But, my wife no longer meets the required symptoms to be diagnosed as BPD and has turned her life around.
If your family member is agreeable to try, then I highly recommend getting them in a program like this. Note, you can not force them, most good programs require that the person sign themselves up. It will do them no good if they won't do it themselves.
- At most DBT therapy programs, they will have an abbreviated class for family members, to teach them what the person with BPD is going through and how to better communicate to deal with outbursts and other problems that BPD can cause. I highly recommend these as well!
- Books to read:
- "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason MS - This has been absolutely essential in helping me understand what my wife has gone through and teaching me how to deal with situations that arise. If you do nothing else, read this book.
- "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Jerold J. Kreitman and Hal Straus - want to understand BPD, read this book.
- "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder" by Rachel Reiland - Understand BPD from the perspective of someone who has it.
- If you or someone in your family would prefer, there are online groups that are very helpful, I like
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/ but there are others.
One of the hardest things for me to understand and get under control was that I could not change her. Only she could do that. I could however change how I reacted to her. I could remember that she does not have the emotional tools to deal with the very powerful emotions that she was dealing with. Yes, the things she could say could hurt, deeply, and I needed to remember that she was in pain to and she had no idea how to deal with that pain. I learned how to communicate in such a way to help validate what she was going through without invalidating my own self. I also learned how to communicate my needs without causing her further pain. It's take a long time to get right, but it can be done.
Keep in mind that I'm not saying that everyone should stay in a relationship with someone with BPD. Sometimes the best thing, the right thing to do is to leave. Every relationship is different, you have to do what's right for you. I only bring this up because so many people will have a knee-jerk reaction and immediately say "Leave, run away as fast as you can." and for some people that is the right answer. For others, it's not. I just hope that people will do the research and learn about what's going on and make the decision based on information rather than fear and stigma.
Anyway, if you have any questions (like about anything BPD related), let me know, chances are I've been through it or know someone who has.
ETA: if you want my email, let me know and we can pass it through the admins.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/26/2016 12:44PM by Finally Free!.