I have a family member that might have this and it is impacting their marriage. Could lead to divorce. TBM family.

Yes, yes, yes and YES! And for clarification purposes, BPD does not mean Bipolar Disorder. It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.

gemini, my email addy is on my profile or you can contact admin to get my personal information. We've already crossed paths a couple of times on another board and also in another time.

;o)

My wife was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago.

I don't know what you're dealing with specifically, but it's a horrible disease that impacts everyone around the person affected with it.

If you're looking for advice, I recommend the following:

- Contact your local NAMI organization, there are free classes and support groups for family and friends of people who have mental illnesses like BPD. I have been to both and I highly recommend them. They are informative and, if nothing else, it lets you know that you're not alone in dealing with what you're dealing with.

- The best treatment available for BPD is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It was developed by Marsha M. Lineman, she has BPD herself, and it has helped my wife in ways we never thought possible. The best programs have all three components, weekly one-on-one therapy sessions to deal directly with emotional issues, weekly skills training/group program to teach emotional skills and tools to help the person with BPD manage their emotions helpful ways, rather than harmful ways, and finally an on-call 24-7 emergency counseling, to deal with issues that can't wait for the weekly session. It is very intense, the program my wife signed up for required a 18 month minimum commitment... 2 1/2 years later, she's still going to weekly therapy and has graduated from the 1st set of skills training and is now attending an advance group program. It's no magic bullet, there isn't one. But, my wife no longer meets the required symptoms to be diagnosed as BPD and has turned her life around.

If your family member is agreeable to try, then I highly recommend getting them in a program like this. Note, you can not force them, most good programs require that the person sign themselves up. It will do them no good if they won't do it themselves.

- At most DBT therapy programs, they will have an abbreviated class for family members, to teach them what the person with BPD is going through and how to better communicate to deal with outbursts and other problems that BPD can cause. I highly recommend these as well!

- Books to read:
- "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason MS - This has been absolutely essential in helping me understand what my wife has gone through and teaching me how to deal with situations that arise. If you do nothing else, read this book.

- "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Jerold J. Kreitman and Hal Straus - want to understand BPD, read this book.

- "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder" by Rachel Reiland - Understand BPD from the perspective of someone who has it.

- If you or someone in your family would prefer, there are online groups that are very helpful, I like http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/ but there are others.

One of the hardest things for me to understand and get under control was that I could not change her. Only she could do that. I could however change how I reacted to her. I could remember that she does not have the emotional tools to deal with the very powerful emotions that she was dealing with. Yes, the things she could say could hurt, deeply, and I needed to remember that she was in pain to and she had no idea how to deal with that pain. I learned how to communicate in such a way to help validate what she was going through without invalidating my own self. I also learned how to communicate my needs without causing her further pain. It's take a long time to get right, but it can be done.

Keep in mind that I'm not saying that everyone should stay in a relationship with someone with BPD. Sometimes the best thing, the right thing to do is to leave. Every relationship is different, you have to do what's right for you. I only bring this up because so many people will have a knee-jerk reaction and immediately say "Leave, run away as fast as you can." and for some people that is the right answer. For others, it's not. I just hope that people will do the research and learn about what's going on and make the decision based on information rather than fear and stigma.

Anyway, if you have any questions (like about anything BPD related), let me know, chances are I've been through it or know someone who has.

ETA: if you want my email, let me know and we can pass it through the admins.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/26/2016 12:44PM by Finally Free!.

Finally Free---I passed along that website forum to family member. I also bought the kindle book "I Hate You-don't leave me" and am reading it. Just trying to get a handle on this because family is hurting so much.

Thanks, everyone!

And I know of several here who could probably benfit from it (I've been dealing with my own narcissistic wounds for nearly 30 years now, and I'm "fairly free" of my own "abandonment issues." Of course as one recovering from alcoholism/substance abuse stuff I'm at an advantage, honest).

I'll add that participation in a 12-Step Program (AA, Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, ACOAA, etc.) can offer additional support and fellowship that can be invaluable in many cases.

The program I've just reviewed--and will doubtless participate in--includes an "evidence based" approach. Our regular RFM heavyweight, "Cricket" is a bona-fide expert in this field and one of those I've been privileged to know.

The outbursts and blaming all the problems on the other spouse and threatening to leave are the worst!

I will look at all these resources you mentioned. thanks!

Shannon, I email Susan to get your addy.

Having been the "other spouse" I can completely agree that that is the worst.

Our natural reaction is to defend ourself when that happens, this causes the outburst to get even bigger because it invalidates the feeling that the person with BPD has. It ends up causing ever old argument to come up all over again. Old wounds are picked at over and over again.

There are ways to deal with that, though be aware that none are 100%.

One thing that tends to work the best is validation. This takes a lot of work and practice, but it helps. A communication tool called "SET" can help. It means Sympathy, Empathy, and Truth. It takes a while to get right because at times it can be hard to get out one sentence, let alone three... But as an example...

Person with BPD: "Oh My God! Look at the kitchen, it's a mess! Why is it never clean! What's wrong with you that you can't do anything about it!" (and a whole lot of other things)

Spouse: (in head, because you don't help...) said out-loud. "Yes, it is frustrating that the kitchen isn't clean. I'm frustrated by it as well. We've both been busy with (insert things like work, etc here)"

This can help, but it needs to be repeated over an over again, especially at first, because the person with BPD won't get that they are being validated. (I could write an entire blog about validation and it's importance, especially in BPD cases.

I'll never forget a time when my wife was screaming at me and I was at loss for what to do. She finally yelled "Why don't you hug me!!!" It was just one of those bizarre moments where in her head she thought she was communicating a need for comfort, but it came out as anger.

The spouse in this case needs to make sure they have some outlet for their own emotional support. I hope they have something, it's pretty much a requirement.

Again, since I added it with an edit, if you want my email, I can send it to Susan as well.

Everything above. If you mean 'bipolar' then meds can be a boon. If you mean boarder-line then much harder - see above posts.

My daughter was in a relationship with a young man with BPD when she was in her early twenties. She struggled along for a couple of years, trying to help him but he didn't believe he had any problems - (other than her, and if she would only change...)

I saw her sinking into depression and losing her spirit, until she finally had to leave him. Even then, she was torn about her decision, and wavered back and forth about resuming the relationship for quite awhile. I finally said to her that despite her best intentions, she would never be able to fix his problems. She eventually saw that, and completely extricated herself from his world. It wasn't easy, but it was the best decision for her. It wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, but every situation is different.

It's a BRUTAL mental illness. In my extended family, as well. It's so important that those family members who don't have it get some expert advice in how to deal with those members who do.

There is a thought in the mental health profession now, that the multiple personality disorder ("split personality") really is a form of BPD, and not so much a different disorder altogether.

That's because trauma in childhood often causes people to dissociate. Splitting is a very extreme form of dissociation.

There isn't a lot of difference in splitting and disocciation.

The culprit is cathected, "frozen" shame, and there exists a "constellations" of defenses--primarily anger and rage--that serve to keep the trauma "below the level of conscious awareness." That's because it's so painful...

Good stuff, everyone, BTW. My compliments...

Right. I meant that 'splitting' in the form of something like long term multiple personality disorder is a fairly rare, but not at all unheard of response to trauma. Most people who were abused in childhood begin to dissociate on some level, even if it's just a 'numbness' or mask when faced with a trigger like someone yelling, sexual touch (wanted or unwanted), etc. It exists on a spectrum of possible responses, depending on the person and their level of trauma as well.

Yes, I have a BPD family member. One thing to remember is that up to 90% of people with BPD have experienced severe, long lasting trauma and/or abuse themselves, most commonly physical and sexual trauma (the rate of BPD people who were sexually abused in childhood is around 70%), if not extreme psychological trauma, especially in childhood. Some estimates are even higher, as some people don't remember or outright deny their abuse, leading some to understand it as a form of PTSD since that means that virtually all BPD sufferers are abuse victims. The person really needs to have trauma focused therapy, not just therapy based on changing their behaviors for others, to truly heal. Whether or not you know about the trauma, it can help to understand that that is very likely part of their problem and deserving of empathy.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/26/2016 08:43PM by woodsmoke.

One thing to remember, that can be very hard to accept, is that even with effective treatment, there are going to be relapses and setbacks. It's so hard.
I have a really good friend with BPD, and I love her dearly. Sometimes though, I just have to walk away from her and say, "I can't help you right now. It doesn't mean I don't love you, and I understand that you're mad at me. But right now, you need help that I can't provide." She always resurfaces a couple months later, usually after a hospitalization. For me, it's about not getting wrapped up in the BPD stuff, and setting limits and boundaries.

My best to you,

Jenna

Many with BPD fill their lives with drama this can be reduced by coming to understand the Karpman Drama Triangle, most people once they realize that drama is little more than mental masturbation will stop playing the games that generate drama. They also tend to have a lot of shame and repressed rage. Berne Brown's two excellent TED talks can help uncover shame which then must be processed. Repressed rage is probably most effectively addressed via ISTDP psychotherapy methods.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy has been shown to be effective with BPD.

This is true.

People with BPD are generally trying to fill a hole in their life by replaying the abuse and/or neglect from their childhood until it is resolved or they can overcome it somehow. So they will either seek out abusive partners (doesn't absolve their partners of the abuse) or become codependent with people. Often, people with narcissistic wounds of their own tend to become close, romantically or otherwise, with BPD sufferers.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2016 11:02AM by woodsmoke.

My sister has it and refuses to get help. She's exhausting to be around even on a good day and good days are hard to find. If she were a spouse I'd absolutely divorce her. She's incredibly selfish and immature and Hollywood can't generate more drama in a year than she gets up to in a week.

I know she's suffering badly and I try to remember the big picture when dealing with her but honestly I'm glad when she goes through one of her "I hate you and never ever want to talk to you again" phases. I know that she knows there is something wrong, but she won't even try therapy. If someone with BPD is willing to work on their issues, by all means they should have their loved ones' patience and support, because their having admitted to the disorder is in itself a pretty big deal.

Anyone with a BPD loved one has my deepest sympathies.

After reading some of the resources listed above and your posts, I am now more convinced than ever that we are dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I will pass along this information to the people directly impacted by this.

Thank you so much! You all are the best!

Good luck to you and those impacted! Again, if you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer them or help out if I can.

BPD isn't classified as a mental illness, it's a personality disorder. They are two different things. It isn't impossible to treat, but is very difficult to treat because the person who suffers from it has to want to change and then put forth the effort to effect change. It isn't like bipolar illness or depression that's more manageable with meds.

Picture your personality traits that make you you. A person with BPD is a personality trait of theirs. Now try to take one of your traits you may have been born with, and grown into and see whether or how hard it is to change that aspect of yourself. That's how difficult it is for BPD people to change their disorder. It is extremely hard work.

Those who do want to change usually will take positive steps by their 30's to improve. It is also established that BPD people are at higher risk for suicide because the disorder puts them at greater risk.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2016 04:55PM by Amyjo.

There are some distinctions, mainly that BPD is often not responsive to medications (but is highly responsive to trauma-based therapy alongside DBT), but just wanted to clarify that BPD is indeed understood/classified as a mental illness. Also, there is very little evidence that people are 'born with' BPD, as the vast majority of sufferers are survivors of extreme levels of abuse. There is a genetic component in many people, but that component is often not activated without childhood abuse accompanying it. So even if there is an inborn sensitivity, it is not a personality 'trait' per se any more than a veteran's light and sound sensitivity because of wartime trauma can be understood as an innate 'trait.'

It is indeed harder to treat than other mental illnesses, but hopefully the wealth of recent research will help. Much of the problem previously was based on an inadequate understanding of the trauma most had experienced, overdiagnosis in women and underdiagnosis in men, and the push for medication as the best treatment for every mental illness, which simply isn't the case with BPD.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2016 07:11PM by woodsmoke.

Well it's not in the same category as treatable mental illnesses then as other more treatable mental health diagnoses. It's much more difficult to change someone's personality than it is to treat a mental disease.

"The cause of BPD is unclear but is believed to involve both genetic and environmental factors.[3] Twin studies suggest that the illness is partly inherited from one's parents.[3] Traits such as impulsiveness and aggression can be attributed to temperament.[3] There is evidence that abnormalities of the frontolimbic networks are associated with many of the symptoms.[6].... Since a personality disorder is a pervasive, enduring, and inflexible pattern of maladaptive inner experiences and pathological behavior, there is a general reluctance to diagnose personality disorders before adolescence or early adulthood.[7] Diagnosis is based on the symptoms while a medical exam may be done to rule out other problems.[3]

Borderline personality disorder is typically treated with therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).[3] Another type, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) has been found to reduce the risk of suicide.[3] Therapy may occur one-on-one, or as a group.[3] While medications do not cure BPD, they may be used for the associated symptoms.[3]" (Wikipedia)

Based on my own experience with one of my children, she inherited the disorder/malady from her biological father. He didn't raise her, and she was not influenced by him in her environment. Yet she has assimilated many of his same characteristics in her 20's that he had in his 20's - it didn't even begin before her 20's. I didn't know him before his 20's, but I raised her from infancy. I can attest it was for her a case of heredity over environment that has made her personality become like her father's as she matured into adulthood.

I've been told by our family therapist who knows my daughter she has BPD, and it didn't start until her 20's. It helps me understand my ex-husband better and his malady - but he hasn't changed for as long as I've known him since we met in college.

I only hope and pray my daughter gets the help she needs because she has become a stranger to my family since hers became diagnosed. She ran away from college in her 20's as soon as she was graduating to disappear and re-invent herself. My ex did exactly the same thing with his family from Poland when he came to America that she has done to my family since she reached maturity.

I know for a fact in her case it is absolutely heredity and from his side that has caused her personality disorder. I just wish I knew a way to treat, or fix it. It's completely out of my power as a mother to do anything for my now adult child. She was the perfect daughter growing up. That's what is the biggest shocker of all. We were very close until the personality disorder stole her from me. It's like watching someone close to you die from cancer, and not a damn thing you can do about it, that's how powerless it has made me feel as she left our family.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2016 10:19PM by Amyjo.

Yes, it is classified as a mental illness. It's one of the personality disorders, whereas bipolar and depression are considered mood disorders.

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

It's not really a question of what do you have rather: What happened to you??? The genesis of BPD seems to be some form of early childhood abuse often as simple as neglect or disregard unfortunately it often seems to stunt areas of frontal lobe growth (see Alan Schore). In my experience it responds well to ignoring labels and treating the symptoms with intent to cure. Is cure possible? Maybe not, but I've seen huge improvements!