I'm really struggling. I didn't know if anyone would give me advice you may have.

Since about 2007 I have gone back and forth on this but now I can no longer be apart of something that I don't believe in.

I'm a convert to the church - at age 21- my husband has been a Mormon his whole life, return missionary. Except when I met him he wasn't active in college. We started dating and really hit it off then I was introduced to the church - my idea.

My husband does not know but the few times I was inactive he judged me pretty severely so I know by me telling him this that he will probably not want to be with me anymore.

His family has never liked me but I know they will really judge me now when they hear of this news.

I'm now 37 years old. I have no job since I'm a stay at home mom and he works. He told me he loved me and would marry me if I wasn't a member of this church but that was when we started dating. When I used to not go to church random times he would give me the silent treatment for a day or so - I feel like judging me- then later he would apologize. I feel when I tell him that he may not want to be with me anymore. He will probably take the kids since he's the sole provider. He would remain active and I'm sure he will have the kids remain active.

I'm actually sick about telling him but I can't continue to go to church, go through the motions when I don't believe.

I love him for him and would want to stay married and not break up our family, but I won't stay in a marriage where he will judge me everyday based on me not being a member of this church.

I know it's quite shocking but I seriously have no one to turn to.

I have to pretty much "act" this whole weekend because I don't know when to bring this up. Please help.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/26/2016 02:30AM by srm2016.

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. I was worried how my spouse, family, etc would treat me. It was scary when I finally told my wife I did not believe any longer. I wish you lots of good vibes.

"Dear husband, do you love ME as I am, or do you love me only when I play an assigned role in your world view?"

First, you need to develop an outside-the-marriage life and career, regardless of where things go. You need that independence in many ways to support your growing independence as you get older.

Second, head to the marriage counselor - ALONE - and sort yourself and your relationship out a bit first. You will not be ready to deal with him until you understand yourself better first.

There are obvious red flags here with grudge holding, control issues and passive aggression on your husband's part (and on your part submission to control issues, the other side of the dynamic). Start by working on yourself first.

When you are ready bring hubby in and see if the adult supervision of a counselor will help your husband and you through your religious transition. I suspect it will not be easy regardless.

Good luck.

He doesn't get to just "take the kids." Nowadays mostly it's joint custody. You would need time to get on your feet by getting or renewing qualifications for a job that pays well, should he or you decide on divorce. This would all be worked out as a part of your settlement.

Should it come to divorce, make sure that your lawyer provides for the fact that you do *not* want to take the children to church when they are in your care.

But it may not come to that. Take one step at a time, and do keep us in the loop.

Thank you. I have failed to mention I am a part time photographer and model/actress that brings a minimal income but not enough to support my 3 children, 13,11 and 9.

I have made an appointment with a counselor - alone - on Monday @ 11 am.

The straw that broke the cameras back is after all this doubt I was actually looking to prepare for my lesson and came across the CES Letter. I read it and it confirmed a lot of my questions. Then it snowballed from there. I immediately got a sub for the lesson and trying to find a way to move forward with leaving the Church.

Besides the fact of my husband being that way when I miss church he's a great guy, father, provider but I can't live like this if he doesn't love me for me.

He's a fireman and really confuses me on one day being so laid back and then the next so anal and "churchy".

Y'all are right I need to find myself again and gain some
independence.

I just feel like I wasted all these years in a church giving up myself to it and now having to start all over.

Camel- thanks to my phone spell check

I so appreciate your help and advice. It's just nice to finally tell someone because I have kept this all in.

Keep "leaving the church" and "ending your marriage" separate. One may not cause the other. If you keep those topics together, chances are very good you'll get divorced. Be honest with your husband, it's going to be a shock to him, and take things slow.

I think I was 34 when I made the decision to get a graduate degree and a teaching certificate. My biggest surprise? -- that I was one of many, many older students returning to the classroom.

Whatever happens, you will be fine. You will land on your feet. But first things first. Hubby may react better than you think.

First of all, I don't think it's a good idea to just Drop a Bomb on someone.

I think you have some things you need to do first. Counseling was a good suggestion. Learn how to have discussions instead of fall outs.

Also, before you instigate a divorce, you need to see an attorney and find out exactly where a divorce will take you and your children. You seem to have zero idea how custody, child support, alimony and division of property works. You're doing yourself a huge disservice by not knowing about the law and how it may affect you for the rest of your life.

Get your ducks in a row, don't just jump off a cliff.

Just because you're a non-wage-earning homemaker and he's the money earner does not mean that he gets custody of the kids if you split up. But don't get ahead of yourself. YOu haven't even told him anything yet. Do you think you can present it in a loving, caring way, at least at the beginning?

Honey, I have a very serious matter I need to talk to you about regarding the church.

Okay.

Well, because you mean so much to me, and I love you, I don't want to cause you any pain, but at the same time I must honestly tell you that I do not believe the LDS church is true and it's making me feel very unhappy and dishonest to keep attending a church that I feel is wrong.

etc

Others here may have some other ideas of how to approach this situation, so I'm not saying mine is the best way by any means.

Make those part-time jobs full-time. Position yourself for independence. See a therapist. Duck and dodge church responsibilities and slowly taper off ("female problems" can get you out this Sunday). See an attorney and find out your rights. Get more education. Take your time. You don't have to blast him with it all at once.

And if you LOVE him...really, really love him...SHOW HIM. Use that actress in you, girl. No man, I don't care how TBM, can resist the wiles of a hot, sexy mama. Good luck.

Shannon ;o)

(Been there, done that, lost the marriage...because I decided I didn't give a crap - but kept the kids!)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2016 05:58PM by shannon.

If it's any comfort- I was in similar shoes a few months ago. My husband is the most TBM of the TBMs. It was an awful shock for him. I tried to assure him that I love him no matter what and want to stay with him. I also assured him that I support him in his faith, and our children in whatever faith they have. If they want to be active, I will not try to dissuade them. I encourage them to do what feels right.

It's still very hard. He feels his forever family is destroyed. He can't understand why I can't just have faith that all my questions will be answered satisfactorily someday. He says he was already aware of the things that upset me about the church, and it didn't affect his faith.

He also feels an obligation to keep his marriage vows, thank goodness! So I think we will make it through, but mutual respect is so important. I realize that we may not make it, but I do have hope.

I too could no longer pretend and live a lie.

Good luck!

I'd like to comment that it doesn't sound like a "faith crisis." That's just the name the church gives it. Here, we call it realizing the truth.

You don't have to "drop a bomb," and in using that terminology, you hinder yourself. You are not "dropping a bomb." You have agency, and you can remind him of this:

"11th Article of Faith: Freedom of Religion. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

Regardless of what the church teaches, it is your right as a citizen. His sitting in "judgement" of you is an imaginary construct - it only carries the power you assign it. You can make his immature reactions meaningless, by deciding that they are meaningless.

The children are not "his" property, and he could not be "the sole provider" without your unending support. You also make some money, but count it as nothing for some reason.

I agree with Mårv Fråndsen that there are a lot of red flags. You need to hold off on confrontation until you develop a stronger sense of self worth, ready yourself emotionally, financially and legally, so that if he does turn to divorce, you are better prepared. Take some time with a counselor learning how to understand that "his judging" you is about manipulation, as is the silent treatment. Those are behaviors designed to control your behavior. You can Google "emotional manipulation" to find out more. You can tell your husband that you are getting help with your "faith crisis."

I'm just guessing here, but something tells me that if we could replay the conversations leading up to [your] idea of returning to the church, we would find a lot of passive aggressive manipulation on his part.

The church manipulates him, he manipulates you. Please become stronger before you "drop a bomb." I am afraid that you and the children could be hurt in the explosion.

All of that said, the process of making yourself stronger will ease your need to drop that bomb immediately. You will be taking positive actions, growing and learning about your options. You may even want to speak with an attorney before you speak to your husband, so you know which of his threats carry no weight.

Best to you.

This is a true messenger. I exhort you to give strict heed to [his] counsel and teachings,

Does he have his blast shields up, or does he just prefer a comfy lie to the hard truth? You could ask his opinion on topics from the official Church essays. But maybe the question is why do we need to believe anything? Belief has little to do with love and even less with acceptance. Maybe in this crazy world we could all do with a little less belief and a little more trust in each other.

I'm agreeing with all the other posters that see two separate problems running concurrently.

The first problem is the immature way your husband is trying to manipulate you. That needs to be addressed with a counselor. Figure out a better way to deal with his silent treatment bouts. This needs to be addressed first.

The second problem is what your husband thinks is going on with you and the church. It may be that he just thinks you're being lazy and he hates going alone. Maybe he thinks your not taking your marriage vows seriously (for many mormons, those are intertwined). He probably doesn't think it's for doctrinal reasons. But that's better sorted out more slowly.

Edit to add, go ahead and look into options for supporting yourself in the future. That can't hurt. But as others have said, he's not getting custody because he makes more money than you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2016 07:01PM by Devoted Exmo.

I only said "drop a bomb" because honestly he has no clue. Maybe he does since I have backed way off from church etc..

I'm normally very independent. I also am not up his butt, do my own thing, and stand up to his crap. I just know that if the worst did happen I'm not prepared now.

I will try to separate the 2 and not look for the worst scenario but I'm just nervous.

I don't know how much longer I can hold this in. It's eating me up. I have my counselor appt Monday so I will see how that goes.

Thank you everyone.

For the moment, it may be best to simply "go inactive," and this time *stay* that way, rather than directly confront him with your disbelief. This way you don't have to attend church or perform any church activities while you tend to your own needs. Put your acting skills to work, and pretend to be a Jack Mormon for a while. (For that, all you have to do is avoid church and don't confess anything. Easy.)

Yes, he will judge you, and give you the silent treatment, because those tactics have worked for him in the past, when he's been able to bully you back into activity. But now you can recognize it for what it is, and you'll have put up defenses against that kind of treatment. This time you'll be able to stand firm in the face of his passive-aggressive temper tantrums. His manipulation is less about you than a reflection of his own immaturity. (His judgmental TBM family can go to hell.) Play the "unrighteous dominion" card if you have to.

Also keep in mind that for your husband, as virtually the sole earner, a divorce is going to be freaking expensive. There's the division of assets, child support, possibly attorney's fees… does alimony still exist? (I don't know.) In any event, he stands to lose financially from divorce, so he may not want it any more than you do.

No two people are alike, like no two couples interact in quite the same way.

So what others share here is based on our perceptions, not on the reality you are faced with. Hopefully you'll figure out the right way to navigate as you go, because you're treading in uncharted waters as to your hubby's response (or reaction, depending on his sensitivity level.)

I don't see this as a crisis of faith so much as a crisis over believing the Mormon bible. There are plenty of ex-Mos who still manage to believe in God and the bible without chucking the baby out with the bathwater when they go.

That comes down to your personal judgment call regarding where you end up. Whether your husband loves you more than the religion he identifies with will determine the direction you find yourself in after you have your heart to heart with him.

Many of us have been through what you are experiencing. Many of us made mistakes that made the whole thing worse.

Here are some suggestions, based on the experiences of many, about how best to go about dealing with the problem:

"FAQ: Help! I no longer believe, but I'm married to a Mormon spouse!"
http://packham.n4m.org/spouse.htm

The article has suggestions from a professional counselor (ex-Mormon) about how to benefit from marital counseling.

Hi srm2016 - I left Mormonism a decade before my husband did. The point is, he eventually left as well.

Do not short sell yourself. SAHMs contribute a great deal to the financial stability, care and substance of a family. You have every right to be heard regarding your own life and how your children are raised. Counseling is very a very important first step.

I find it odd that no one here has suggested you giving your husband the CES letter to read for himself. I suggest this because preparing lessons for the gospel doctrine class was how I "studied" my way out of Mormonism as well. I wish something as concise as the CES letter had existed back then. When I went my husband with my concerns he was able to disregard my concerns because I could show him anything of substance to prove I wasn't just dreaming this all up.

DH eventually opened that door himself when he "studied" the Journal of Discourses while hanging out in the foyer as the early morning Seminary President. He was appalled at all the weird things he found! Once that door was open, he was completely out in much quicker time than I had taken. We both regret that I had allowed him to raise the children as active Mormons. Our children now regret it as well.

I'm not saying everything is going to be fine or easy. It certainly wasn't for us. But continuing to allow this third entity to control your marriage and family life is a sort of living hell.

Showing your husband that you have learned that this religion is harmful to the both of you and your children, and expressing your concern for their spiritual and emotional welfare is an act of love. Your husband may surprise you and may decide to leave with you. Timing is crucial, especially since your children are still young and not fully indoctrinated.

I agree with the thoughtful advice given above.

With something as important as your family at stake, it is urgent that you prepare yourself psychologically and do the research so you know what your rights are if things go south.

If you love your husband for himself, then fight for the love you built. You can teach him how to love you for yourself. Others have done it--others who are right here on this board.

You teach him by example--by giving him unconditional love. You back away from the church slowly, becoming gradually more and more inactive, telling him that the Spirit is telling you to take a break and do some reflective studying on your own. Show him what you are studying when he asks --the church essays on the lds website.

You don't lie to him but share gradually your concerns and thoughts, milk before meat as it is so well put by LDS, Inc.

When you feel the time is right, you tell him the facts you have learned from the church history have convinced you that Joseph Smith could not have been a prophet of God and that he is a much better husband and spiritual leader than old Joe ever was.

Sometimes a spouse will challenge with "so you don't believe in God any more?" or some such to make you back away from your simple statement that you no longer believe Joseph Smith is a prophet. Don't let yourself get off into the weeds on that. Just say, "I'm sorting it all out, but I'll tell you what I believe is real--OUR LOVE AND OUR FAMILY."

And that this is going to be the focus of your attention from now on-- your marriage and the time you spend with the kids. In fact, you plan to continue sitting beside him in church as his wife, even though you don't believe.

And you do that until his surprise wears off. Once he realizes that he is loved even though Mormon, it's amazing how many spouses relax and actually open their minds.

I know this is not easy. It can make you physically sick to hear the garbage spouted in chanting tones. BUT - there's a lot at stake. Think of the movies you've seen and the books you've read of stories of what a person has done for love. To save their families, parents have carried children for miles as refugees, crossed freezing rivers in the middle of the night...smothered babies so that the rest of the family wouldn't be shot by Nazis, etc, etc.

You can certainly tolerate the blitherings of idiots to demonstrate the unconditional love you are offering. Your kids are at a very sensitive age and it is a huge risk to take away their (good) father and their religion at the same time.

On the other hand, if you do not love him, or if you have been abused, or he is abusing the kids, skip the unconditional love plan and go right for the Happy Single Parent Family plan.

At least the Single Parent Family is focused on the importance of THIS life, not something imaginary in the future. Only you can choose the right plan for you--hence the importance of counseling.

Best of luck and pls keep us posted.


Kathleen

Beautifully said

My now EX actually kidnapped our youngest child and fled cross country, after I left the religion. That was the straw for why I filed for divorce. Wish I had some encouraging advice for you. Be very careful and cover your back, if you do come out to him.

I was a convert too. Let me tell you, it feels great getting back your true identity. The more I let go of church ideas and practices the better and better I felt about myself. It's awful how boxed-in you are as a devout Mormon. When you let Mormonism go and start dealing with truth rather than fiction the world becomes a much more joyous place. Maybe your husband will notice a change for the better in you when you start being who you were meant to be. He's not a good husband or father if he cannot/will not let his wife and children be themselves and make-up their own minds about what they do and do not believe. It's unhealthy having someone guilt you or emotionally blackmail you into doing what they want you to do. The "silent treatment" is not a healthy or mature way to communicate in a marriage. I hope your counselor will help you see this and help you with ways to better, healthier, more maturely interact with your husband. Good luck. Stay strong.

Wow. I'm so moved by all of your posts and advice for me. I sincerely can't thank you enough.

I also wanted to let you know that ironically as I was driving to my sons baseball game the Bishop called me- I didn't pick up since I was driving - he was calling to check on me and see if I was ok.... Which is what he said in the message. I thought that was interesting since of the post I out today happened and all of my thoughts about all of this.

Its interesting to read each new person trying to find their day in the sun...free of the dogma weve lived with...the majority of successful cases i would say are those that do the slow fade...patience...continuing to show love toward a spouse unless they wish to torpedo the marriage...some do it seems...and often its right to do so..i had an aquaintance with a new baby ask me what she should do as her hubby had done a little prospecting while she was pregnant...my reply...is he basically a good man who let his little head do too much thinking...yes...does he love your child....yes...is he kind and respectful to you and the child...yes...i said the moment that child was born it became far more important than either of you...do whats best for that child...like you she had few options...if they staid married that child would have huge opportunities it wouldnt have surviving on a minimum wage single mothers provision...that was eleven years ago...hes been a good husband and father since and grown more devoted...it took a long time for her to trust him again...but i believe she can and does...the child is certainly living a far better life with two devoted parents than one with very little money...each sitch is so different....my advice...go slow...try a fire cracker...not a torpedo...explosions are usually destructive...life aint burger king

Ive also lived by a motto i made up myself...thank gawd theres a night between the days...dont let a quick decision made on a bad day alter forever the life you live...oftimes what appears to be catastrophic will look so much better and different when faced after a good nights rest...thats the best reson there is to go slow...take an average of four days...talk to that counsellor...weigh the options carefully...we are talking five lives here...few judges will ever make more weighty decisions

SMC2016 --- You are not the first to be scared about telling him. In your place, I would tell him just what you wrote here: I was preparing a lesson and I ran into the CES letter on line. I now have trouble sitting in church feeling like a fraud because I don't think the same. I want to stay married to you. I know we think differently about this, but I want to focus on the things we still share. I hope you will let me walk my own faith road as I do. I still believe [insert here that you still believe that Jesus is your Savior, that you love X,Y,Z about the church, if you do; that you want your children to grow up knowing and loving God and believing in their own divine and eternal worth. Etc. Etc.] Tell him you know this isn't what he signed on for. You didn't sign on for it either. Tell him you'd appreciate it if he took as long as he needs to figure out how to do this while maintaining your marriage, because you love him and want to share you life with him, and you love your children and want them to continue to have the same access to both parents, and you know that nothing in the LDS faith makes believing or thinking differently even the possible justification for divorce. Ask him to find a therapist or the bishop if he needs to talk about this because you are concerned that because his family never really liked you ---does he agree? does he know this is the way you feel?--- and the two of you need to figure this out before other people start talking about it.

Then just be patient while he works through where he is. Continue being a good wife, while you are strengthening your business.

Maybe just maybe he's doubting and life will get better.

I am a nevermo but I feel you have received some excellent advice here. Best of luck to you in your journey through this life situation and do please report back here to us on your progress.