Thirteen years ago I stopped going to church. This came as shock to my wife and family. I was a Bishop and asked to be released. After some long stories (some exaggerated to push my release) about my work requirements (international travel), I was finally released. I was only a Bishop for less than two years.

I have never returned to church. My wife still goes but my children (14, 16, 19, and 21) do not attend or believe. Both my wife and I have good jobs that pay well. Financially we are okay and are well prepared for retirement (I'm 53 years old). Still, each day the state of Utah and the LDS church slowly wear at my life.

I have traveled to every state in the U.S. excluding West Virginia and Missouri. I know many places struggle and Utah is fortunate to have a decent economy. However, places I have traveled throughout the years reminds me of better places. For example, I spent nearly two weeks in Main during December. It was cold, lots of snow and at times difficult to travel but the place felt free; free from Mormonism. Last month I was in Colorado Springs. I really believed Colorado could be another good choice, and also free from Mormonism.

I try to stay focus and remain positive. I am good health, run daily and have a good family. My life is calm with few distractions. Yet, it seems impossible to go without a day (or an hour) of not being reminded of the crazy religion I once believed. Some days I just can't believe how I ever fell for such a scam. I now have empathy for others who are trapped by religion or financial scams.

Why am I writing? I know I can't just move. Moving at this time would be a disaster to our financial health and would impact our youngest two children who are still at home (the oldest two are at the U of U and Utah State University). My reason for writing is to vent. This state just creates a feeling of darkness and despair.

Maybe some day Colorado can be home. Maybe someday the burden of LDS Inc. will decline as more people leave this awful religion. Things are changing. Several LDS members in high positions (Bishops and Stake Presidents) have privately acknowledge to me that they stay for the "good of the family." Not everyone who attends, attends faithfully.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I get it.

We have stayed in Utah, in spite of leaving the church well over a decade ago. Basically we stay because of strong ties to my husband's job here, and because so much of our family are close by. I'm self-employed, and moving would basically require me to start over with new clients. So it's hard to leave.

My best advice would be to get involved in some exmo community groups on facebook. I don't know if you are in Utah Valley PostMormons, but I recommend it. You might check out the CALM meetings, held once a month. I know those are 'bandaid' cures when you'd rather just breathe the free air somewhere else. But it's something. Our numbers are growing. When I joined that group last year (UVPM), there were about 600 members. Now there are 1500. Maybe eventually, we exmos will outnumber the mos!

Sometimes I try and figure out where we could move when we retire.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/24/2016 12:36AM by imaworkinonit.

Nine months ago we loaded our two kids and a small dog into a Honda Pilot, pointed southeast and hit the gas. We quit two six figure salaries, sold our dream house, and left 8 siblings and 3 parents behind. Our decision to move to Texas was mostly due to not wanting our young elementary school aged children to be treated as second class citizens. We had learned to navigate as pariahs in Davis County but how would our children react to the shunning and exclusion that certainly would have been in their future had we stayed?

Nine months later I'm about 80% glad we made the move. There is much about Texas we don't like but it is a great relief to not have the "Mormon Shadow" constantly hanging over me. I do feel like I took control. I will determine my surroundings and I will not be a second class citizen. I will not allow my children to be second class citizens.

"As for me and my house, we will serve ourselves" Utah is not the place for us.

Great story! Thanks for sharing your daring!

Like a small animal in a cage. I know I'm always relieved to leave Utah if I travel there. Knowing my stay isn't permanent helps. It sounds like you might leave after your kids and your job no longer hold you there, so is that hope on the horizon?

You have so much going for you. Congratulations on all you've accomplished, especially becoming a non-mormon.

when we lived there. I do ok driving in 500 miles from the west until I see the Kennecott smokestacks. Then my stomach starts to churn. After we get in it will take one more day to get things done so I thought 3 nights would be nice to kick back and relax 1 day in SLC. My wife said oh no, we are going home the third day. "That place creeps me out and don't need judgemental stares from Mormons for bare shoulders etc". I have to admit I like the get out of jail feeling when looking at the Kennecott smokestack in my rear view mirror heading west. Back to the land of 5% beer in the grocery store.

Nevermo friends of mine planned to stay for two weeks but they didn't like the attitudes or how they were treated in SLC. They left after two days because they decided they'd like a trip to Yellowstone better than the feeling they were being held captive within a cult.

I remember one time when I was carded in a SLC restaurant. Keep in mind that I am over 50 years old. In Maryland where I live, if a place makes a practice of carding everyone regardless of age, then they make a show of glancing at your birth date and you're finished in seconds.

At this particular SLC restaurant, the server looked at my driver's license, then at me, then at the license again, then at me again. He looked for all the world like a cop doing a traffic stop. Maybe I should have asked him if he wanted to run my plates as well. Just gimme my beer, for Pete's sake.

I've been a New Yorker for going on three decades, so I'm used to that free feeling you speak of while in Maine this past winter. It permeates here too.

Still as I've gotten older and my children grew up and moved away home means other things to me now than it did 30 years ago. I no longer cringe at the thought of living in Utah, or Idaho where I'm from.

My heart is calling me home there, notwithstanding the cultural influence the religion plays. So many of my ancestors and living relatives still abound in that region. For me it's more about family and being closer to the places I'm familiar with and love, than the religion, that makes me want to return.

In other words, I've grown tired of New York lol. We pay some of the highest taxes in the nation here. Albeit the jobs are more plentiful, and tend to pay better than do Utah's.

I'm like you, if I left here now it could put me in a more precarious financial situation than if I wait it out to my retirement age before making my move to Utah (or southern Idaho,) as am considering both.

Starting over there is what worries me here. I could begin a second career, but with the LDS still predominating in the region I feel it would put me at a disadvantage right along with the age factor of my getting older. Someone in Dixie told me recently (she's a transplant from New Jersey and around my age,) that there is a marked preference for Millenials in the job market in St. George versus older people from that.

Self-employed and entrepreneurial spirits would likely have an easier time there I believe. Most jobs pay only minimum wage there, for starters. And honestly, who could really live on that unless you're a teen or young adult still living at home? I don't get it.

By waiting my pensions and social security continue to mature until I move. If, God willing, I live long enough to enjoy my retirement, then I'll be financially much better off by waiting. Living among Mormons don't bother me nearly as much as not being able to be fiscally sound were I to move there today. So I wait.

There are enough ex-Mormons where I'm going, never Mos, and enough diversity I should be alright. Having the stores to myself on Sundays appeals to me, and some of the scenic wonders.

Like when I visited Springdale @ Zion's National Park on a Sunday to put flowers on my ancestors graves. The entire main street was a ghost town, except for the couple places I stopped to ask directions and met some of the locals. One was native to the area, (Indian native.) The other, a transplant herself from New Jersey. She loves it there! Both never Mos. The Native American had grown up there and is good friends with one of my cousins. They graduated in the same high school class. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/24/2016 09:25AM by Amyjo.

<<Moving at this time would... impact our youngest two children..."

Not as much as staying in Utah and growing up around LDS culture.

There is always a good reason to not get unstuck. What good is your financial security if you are not enjoying yourself? Your dollars purpose is to buy misery perhaps?

I felt the same way a lot of years ago. I just could not be in Utah anymore. I loaded everything I had in a U-haul and drove to Los Angeles without a clue as to what would happen. It was hard finding a job and apartment and new friends and I only had $200 at the time which wasn't enough even back then. I wanted out of Utah bad, but worse, I wanted the life you are craving right now.

Weigh being poorer financially against being poorer spiritually perhaps? Easy for me to ask because I took the leap into the great unknown without having that much invested in a Utah life, but still, you usually give up something to gain something better maybe.

Another idea: consider leaving the U.S. It's not for everyone, but it can be a great experience. It can bring a family together like nothing else.

I live in South America. I work a lot less--I converted to internet-based income--but my money is U.S. $ and my expenses are local, meaning I live for a fraction of what it cost me back in the States.

I'm learning and using a new language. These days I think, dream, and curse more in Spanish than in English. Meanwhile I started teaching English on the side, which may turn out to be my favorite career.

I don't miss much about the U.S. I go back maybe once a year to see my sister or daughter. If they want to see me more, they know where I live.

You gotta do your due diligence, of course, but don't forget: there's a big world out there. Utah is a small fraction of the U.S., and the U.S. is a small fraction of the planet.

Paul the Apostate Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have traveled to every state in the U.S.
> excluding West Virginia and Missouri.

No country roads traveled to that mountain mama?

And <sarcasm> you were not a true Mormon if you have never been here. I live in Jackson County and it is not Mormon at all except Missouri has a couple of temples. I think more Mormons live on the Kansas side more than the Missouri side. LDS Corporation just built Joseph's Jackson County temple in Clay County. God is pretty pathetic when it comes to fulfilling stuff like this.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/map_of_the_week/2012/02/mormon_population_in_the_u_s_an_interactive_map.html



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2016 11:25AM by Elder Berry.

I think you are talking about triggers that causes you anxiety.
I bet Utah has a lot of triggers that can make you feel bad, but one can not be free from them without dealing them. Even living in a mormon free place, can trigger you these emotions.

This is normal!

Also having your wife still in cult makes it harder.

I guess this place or an other support group is good place to start dealing with those feelings.

Some food for thought;

http://www.carolgiambalvo.com/coping-with-triggers.html

That's like saying one must learn to eat spinach if they hate it or they must learn accounting if they have no interest or talent for it.

No, everyone has differing talents, aversions and "triggers" and there's no need to stay in Utah if someone doesn't like having four seasons or they don't want to be immersed in a mormon culture every time they leave their home.

My husband is allergic to cats. He has two choices, to either take shots or not keep a cat and avoid them when he visits other homes. He doesn't want to take shots, and he avoids cats. That's his choice and I can see his point.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/26/2016 11:24AM by Cheryl.

Disconnecting your self from cats or spinach is completely different than disconnecting your emotions.

John the apostate said that leaving Utah wasn't yet an option, due to economics and family issues. If your husband was a professional veterinary, he would probably take the immunotherapy shots.

Leaving a cult is hard, but life gets better.

I left the mormon church by moving to an other town, but mormon church didn't leave me. I had guilt, irrational fears and didn't see any thing wrong in the church except my self.

I sought some counseling, read mormon history and a lot of RfM-time, laughs and some cries. It took me about 3 years to cope mormon church. After all, I think I have had it easy.

Now 15 years later, I sometimes pop in here for interest of mine and benefit for others.
Vanity of vanities; all is vanity!

IRanon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Vanity of vanities; all is vanity!

Beats insanity if given the "agency."

Not everyone is like you.

If someone chooses to remain in Utah when they hate it, there is nothing wrong with avoiding whatever they hate about it if that works for them.

I've found that avoiding what I hate works for me and in the meantime, sometimes the aversion lessons without spending time and money trying to learn to like whatever is disturbing.

I left the mormon church in 1967 and I don't see any reason to move to Utah since there is more about it that I dislike than things I like. I can live mormon-free and Utah-free in another state. I don't see any reason to go for therapy and lament not wanting to be around mormons or not wanting to live in Utah.

A Utah resident could easily see the situation as temporary and look forward to leaving in time. Having that as a goal seems like a good choice.

I understand about moving being a financial disaster for both you and your wife. You might look ahead toward moving when you both retire. I lived in Colorado for eight years and loved it there. I lived mostly in Boulder, which can be expensive, but has a great quality of life. Two friends of mine still live there. One has an older but charming house in town, and one lives in one of the more affordable outlying towns. I've also heard good things about Glenwood Springs and Grand Junction to the west. Of course lots of people live in the Denver area.

You might see where your kids land up. Another friend of mine retired to a very pleasant Midwestern suburb to be close to her daughter and her family.

Good advice. I am fortunate to live in a fairly non-LDS area in Utah (Ogden). However, Ogden also has some undesirable challenges such as crime. Even the nicer areas are not so great. Most people on my street are not Mormon which helps in a small way.

The challenge I find is the larger community. I work mostly with BYU graduates. BYU produces some very capable and smart people. Yet, they are trapped into the Mormon culture and can't truly see the big picture of life. The politics in Utah is also nerve racking. Sometimes I shake my head is disbelief on how I really believed in the religion.

Last night my wife and I were talking about our futures. She even mentioned places like Maine or Colorado would be good choices after retirement. I know some have recommended moving sooner than later. This idea sound appealing but I know it's not workable concerning our own situation.

Whether it's Maine, Colorado or some other place, it's hard to say. On the positive side, we have choices. Even my TBM wife who is gradually becoming less TBM (we went to the movies today on Sunday...LOL) seems more open to the possibilities. I doubt she will leave the faith but I see her attitudes changing.

Anyway, thanks for the responses.

Full of right wing nutcase evangelical Xtians --- with AR-15s. Jesus said "shoot the s__T of your enemies." Not really but I attended a church where they bragged they had a shoot out.

I loved living in Colorado, but it has growth problems, and getting up into the mountains and commuting on I-70, I-25, US36 got to be a real drag too.

If you have the funds, consider a vacation home in an area you might like to move to eventually. Get your wife and kids to go with you on vacay every year to a fun and appealing place. Maybe, when the time is right, you can start talking about moving there for retirement. If your wife needs it, pick somewhere that has a very small and slightly distant ward. When it takes longer to go and it's harder to go regularly, even devout members can slowly change their habits and eventually stop going all together...

I know what it feels like to be trapped in a location for family and financial obligations. It sucks. Make due and be grateful you do not live in the steaming pile of shit that is the Northeast. I love the politics here, but the godawful weather, the millions of people, the lack of open spaces, etc make it almost unbearable. I would move to Utah in a heartbeat even with The Mormon influence.