I left the church when I was 18, 7 years ago, and I am just starting to deal with the mental side of leaving. But the more I try and sort through what was "real" in the church and what isn't "real" anymore my husband gets confused... I know it's because he was never raised with a religion but I don't know how to tell him this is a huge thing in my life. But I also don't want to seem like these issues are coming out of no where. I guess I just need help explaining to him how much the church was my foundation for 18 years and even though I'm never going back I also need time to figure out what I want to keep with me as I continue with life and what parts I want to leave behind...

"The church was my foundation for 18 years, and even though I'm never going back, I need time to figure out what I want to keep with me as I continue with life, and what parts to leave behind"

This seems like a good place to start :D

I was raised extreme BIC Mormon and I bought it all. Left the church at 23 while still at BYU.

I have now been with my Significant Other for almost 35 years and he still does not get the effect that Mormonism had on me. It permeates your very core. He would get impatient and even angry that I was still having Devil nightmares and Back on the Mission Dreams. He could sense my inner anger and thought I should just let it go. We know its not that simple.

Only the most empathetic of never-mo's are ever going to get "us."

The lack of understanding of how much damage Mormonism had done was something my partner just could not understand. Even as a kid, the first time he heard the Noah's Ark story he thought it was ridiculous and never bought into his own religion even a little--Church of England. They have no frame of reference to compute this.

I would say your relationship could benefit a lot from your husband reading here for awhile if he will. The other nevermo's who frequent this board do understand and he could come to "get it" too hopefully.

This place can really help you work through it all. I left when there was no Google and no Facebook and no RFM. I just buried it all. It doesn't go away on its own. Years later I had anger that surfaced out of nowhere. Really examining it here helps. I actually wrote a novel about it. This angered my other half even more as he thought I was too obsessed. But it helped me to defang a lot of my anger. After about a year he finally read the book and he "got me" a little more.

Assure your husband that coming here and working through it will be a big boost to your future together. All the best to you. I do get it.

Can I get a copy of your book, Blu? Is it on Amazon, like a eBook?

So many great writers here!!!!!

It's on Amazon. If you email Susan I/S she'll give you my contact. Happy you are interested.

I'm sorry your husband was impatient and anger about it. I wish he had realized that you were traumatized and respected that you HAD deeply accepted a religion even if he never did. I don't mean to bash your marriage at all, but I'm surprised that it has lasted 35 years this way!

Okay, this is going to be an odd analogy, but perhaps it is one that he could understand. Ask him to consider the level of indoctrination that someone at a communist/totalitarian reeducation camp would endure. Ask, what level of indoctrination would cause someone to submit to a "dear leader" and willingly suffer all sorts of abuses?

Then detail the many hours of indoctrination that you have had over the years -- three *hours* of church every Sunday, weeknight youth activities, summer camps, firesides, stake conferences, general conferences, FHE, HT, VT, callings, family prayer, scripture study, seminary, institute, etc.

Tell him that unlike a communist/totalitarian regime, there may have been *some* useful things coming from Mormonism, and you are in the process of doing the winnowing to separate the good from the bad. You are trying to unindoctrinate yourself.

Perhaps that will help him to understand.

Ask him to read "Combatting Mind Control" by Steve Hassan. Because I think a lot of nevermos seem to think that mormonism is just another benign religion, which is a thing that most people can just walk away from without having to stop and heal from the trauma. However, if you frame your experience from the perspective of having been brainwashed in a controlling cult, that tends to open people's eyes a bit more.

That's a really good suggestion, Dogzilla.

dogzilla Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Ask him to read "Combatting Mind Control" by Steve
> Hassan.

+1,000...

"Combatting Mind Control" is a tremendously important book for seeing the "big picture" reality at work here...

...and once the "big picture" is glimpsed, even the most difficult-for-nevermos-to-grasp elements of Mormonism can far more easily be understood as they continue to affect those nevermos love.

They almost never have the experience and perspective to realize how traumatic recovery from mormonism can be.

Perhaps you might consider going to an exmo recovery group in your area or starting one if necessary. Or you could find a good non-mormon counselor if that idea appeals to you.

I'm lucky that my never-mormon husband does understand about leaving cults. That's because he grew up in The Church of God and had a fanatical mother who forced praying and Bible study on him for hours every day until he grew too big for her to intimidate him.

I think spouses without such experiences aren't likely to be able to understand what we go through when leaving and recovering from mormonism.

It's frustrating, but that's how I see it. Too many people see mormonism as just another wholesome mainstream church, controlling, but not cultish and extreme. If they're interested, they can research, listen, and learn, but it's impossible to teach them if they have no interest or inclination to learn.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2016 06:04PM by Cheryl.

Luna Lindsay's book, "Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control" is another excellent resource. It's even better than Hassan's work, because it focuses specifically on the aftereffects of mormonism and includes a lot of mormon history for context, whereas Hassan's work is about cults in general and doesn't get into mormon-specific issues at all (that are related to doctrine).

http://www.amazon.com/Recovering-Agency-Lifting-Mormon-Control/dp/1489595937?ie=UTF8&keywords=recovering%20agency&qid=1462472608&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

I totally agree with this as well...

Thanks, dogzilla!!!

:) :) :)

I hear you.

Although my NeverMo husband had a church going youth ,with his father a lay preacher in their Protestant congregation,there is no baggage or family fall-out from his walking away from that religion. He has no concept of the hidden agenda,the double-speak,the guilt tripping,the manipulation, the snide judgemental comments, the favouring of Mo grandchildren,the belittling of NonMo grandchildren and their achievements and especially of the need to break from this treatment.

He cannot see the harm that Mormonism and its rabid practitioners have done to my family.

I left TSCC in my early twenties, never having bought into it, but having a facade of the good Mormon girl.My marriage to a NeverMo cemented my leaving.

I discovered the online ExMo community 25 or so years later and still find I turn to it regularly for validation and understanding. There are so many ExMo's, with so many different experiences and life stories. Some are far removed but there is always someoe whose road is similar to mine,so I feel I can always find some companionship with someone who just gets it.

Your husband will probably never fully understand what you feel,but there is always someone here who does.Don't sweat trying to get him to understand it. Grow and share the rest of your life.Relegate Mormonism and your involvement in it to a minimal part of your past history.

Good luck.

Check out Leaving the Fold by a Dr. Winell. Also on a site about Religious Trauma Syndrome, called Journey Free there is a great article that really lays out what being in a cult is. These could be good for you husband.

blueorchid is describing someone like me when she says "empathetic nevermos" because I most definitely am but, unfortunately, I can't give you any reason for that which may be a help to your husband. I have just found it to be a fascinating subject since first moving to Utah in 1993. Her suggestion to have him spend some time on this site is a great one. I'm sure that spending time here has a lot to do with my understanding of the all-encompassing nature of the religion that most of you here were raised in from birth. Suggest to him, from another nevermo, that it will help him to understand the indoctrination that affects every aspect of your being. Best of luck to you!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/09/2016 10:31PM by cinda.

What I was left with was guilt and if you've followed my posts since I started here you'll know that I never really believed. I have never read the BofM or any other LDS literature...on purpose....but from my childhood and not because it was beaten into me by my parents, because they never did, but from the pulpit and in priesthood meeting no alcohol, no smoking and especially no self pleasuring was pounded into my brain.....and i can't deny it still surfaces...and I hate that! I enjoyed smoking until I quit and I love to explore new craft beers and single malts and spankin' it is self love in it's purest form.....but if I were in a restaurant having a beer and a TBM acquaintance gave me the stink eye....I'd have moment of guilt....and then give it back to them 10 fold....or tell them to mind their own fucking business.

RB

Steve Hassan has much to his credit on the subject of cultic mind control, and was helpful to me in ridding myk thinking of the somewhat similar Christian Science mindset. As a matter of fact, it was learning about Mormonism that taught me the dynamics of religious mind control and cultic (ecclesiastical) power.

Perhaps studying about another, but somewhat similar, cult may provide a fresh perspective. A title worth considering is Linda Kramer's "Perfect Peril: Christian Science and Mind Control." Linda has a PhD in chemistry. This is from the Amazon publisher's description:

"The book examines Christian Science in light of Robert J. Lifton’s classic criteria for “thought reform” and shows how this religion lures its followers into thinking patterns that can harm them emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It also examines Mary Baker Eddy’s charismatic personality, leadership style, claim to divine authority, and misuse of biblical terms. Perfect Peril has been a source of validation, understanding, and resolution for people negatively impacted by Christian Science."

The first person who really knew I was no longer a believer was my therapist, who just happened to be an exmormon. I had no clue that he was for all the years I'd already been going to him over my gay/straight marriage. My therapist sent me here.

My nonmo boyfriend who knew me in my 20s and now--knew how devout and crazy mormon I was, doesn't mind at all that I come here or that it will always be an issue. He'll even tell me to go talk to my therapist again if I'm having issues with mormonism like this policy on gays last November. He admits he can't understand what I've been through being mormon.

Im in the same situation although a little further along the path, left at 18 (almost 10 years ago now) didnt really fully come to terms with Mormonism being a hoax until I found this site about 4 years ago and since then my understanding on what was "real" in mormonism became clearer with each passing day.

I never took anything from mormonism into my adult life except maybe the notion that I have to be a good father and husband (but that should just be common sense).

Ive told my wife on several occasions that mormonism never did anything positive for me growing up and in fact may have contributed to some of my faults. It taught me how to hate myself, how to loath and even fear the random thoughts in my head (that we all have, but most dont attribute them to demons trying to temp you) I believe it also caused my social awkwardness and introvert behavior. Hell most of all I believe mormonism taught me how to be a good lier, everyone around me seemed to be doing it whether they knew it or not.

Talking is the key, whether it be your significant other, people on this forum and other ex mormon sites or even in some cases a therapist, talking helps a lot, get everything off your chest, dont hold onto it. Try to acknowledge what it stands for and try to move past it. You'll be stronger for it in the end, and if your significant other cares for you enough, they'll be right there next to you the whole way.

I know how you feel on it's hard. :( Shortly after I left the church I got a nevermo girlfriend. Every time we did something or tried to do something sexual I would freak out and go into a panic attack and get scared. My anxiety would increase and everything. I eventually figured out I was afraid of sex (thank you mormon church for giving me that thinking.) It pained my girlfriend to see me go through so much pain and hurt. Eventually she broke up with me cause she couldn't do anything to help me and she didn't have the understanding of what I went through.

My advice is that there are NO parts of Mormonism worth keeping. It was a big part of your life but it is easier if you let the entire thing go at once and do your best to forget it.