My non-believing oldest brother has decided to have a temple marriage since the girl he's been dating (who honestly seems really good with him and a good person) has always wanted the temple experience.

This is his fourth marriage, second in the temple (first was long ago when he was still TBM).

I'm sure they'll invite all the family to attend the temple session and have those who aren't "worthy" pass the time in the waiting room (probably watching the kids). They'll have a reception afterwards which I plan on attending.

I was initially dead-set against going to their "sealing". It's disgusting the Mormon church feels it has any right to judge whether *I* am worthy, since it is a horrible, putrescent dung-pile. Standing outside is a Mormon humiliation, which doesn't bother me, but my family will think it, which does. Plus, I don't want anything to do with Mormon exclusion from weddings, and it seems being there is a kind of tacit support.

And finally, if I were really invited, I would be able to see the ceremony, dumb as it is. Since I can't, I don't feel that I'm really invited.

My husband feels differently. He figures that this is taking focus away from the couple and turning their special event into a moral stand. He mentioned when my other brother left his kids home from our (gay) wedding and how we felt about that.

What do you exmos think?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/03/2016 05:00PM by Xyandro.

Sorry, but I'm still stuck back at "my non-believing older brother has decided to have a temple marriage..." What!!!???

Oh, I get that he wants to keep the little woman happy, but how little a woman do you have to be to kneel across from a man you know does NOT believe in the ordinance that is taking place and be happy about the fact that you got him to do it?

I suppose that part of the answer is that he likes getting married...

If he knows you know he doesn't believe, what the heck would be the point of being at the temple while they're in there?

And how could a TBM woman feel honored that on HER day her husband's gay brother came to pay his respects? There is a lot of douchery going on here, but thankfully none of it is going to stick to you. I'd be doing what made me happiest.

The whole thing is kinda messed up.

My oldest brother actually helped me see that some people are better off IN Mormonism. When he's left to his own devices, he's made some pretty interesting choices...

As to WHY TBMs want people to show up and not see the ceremony, your guess is as good as mine. But it seems they usually do, and feel like family isn't supporting them otherwise. I don't want to start the relationship off on the wrong foot.

No offense, but this does not strike me as a great start to your brother's fourth marriage.

Go to the reception and call it good.

I am having a hard time seeing a fourth wedding as being a "special event." I would just go to the reception.

I don't get the idea behind inviting people to weddings that they cannot attend. WTF? Go to the reception if you're invited. But do not stand outside the temple for no good reason.

Just go to the reception. If it is the typical Mormon reception in the church gym/cultural hall that is punishment enough. Why pour salt in the wound by allowing yourselves to be used as window dressing for the photos outside the temple?


Decades ago I stood outside the SLC temple for my sister's wedding and then allowed myself to be used as a prop for the photos with her in her real dress with a real bouquet like those things had been part of it all along. And, like I had been part of it all along and not just a necessary completion of the photo documentation.


Never did that again.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/03/2016 06:10PM by blueorchid.

This is his fourth wedding? Fuck that stay home. What a joke. Mormon temple marriage is so special... THE FOURTH TIME AROUND.

Go do something fun.

Tell hubby that not attending is not a "moral statement" unless you say something--it's just a no show and mystery is your friend.

Since you cannot attend, why bother showing up? Just go to reception.

YOU would not be the ones turning your brother's wedding into a "moral stand." Your brother and his bride have chosen to have a secret cult ritual, instead of a wedding, and IMO, that is a moral stand. You aren't worthy to go in, and that's a moral stand.

I like the "no show and mystery" idea. Have fun that day, then get dressed up and go to the reception afterwards. Do you have to buy your brother a fourth wedding present? Some people think it is bad taste to have four weddings with guests, the dress, the reception, and all the hoopla. An elopement, or a simple city hall ceremony is more tasteful.

You wouldn't go to the reception, and hang around on the front steps, and not go in, would you?

I agree that, technically, you are not really "invited" to attend the actual wedding ceremony.

You seem to really like the bride, so be sure she knows that--and your brother, too--and tell them that you are looking forward to their reception! Call it a "reception." I would not even mention the temple stuff at all. They don't need to know in advance if you are going to be outside the temple; there aren't reservations on the steps or in the waiting room or out on the street.

Breeze Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> YOU would not be the ones turning your brother's
> wedding into a "moral stand." Your brother and
> his bride have chosen to have a secret cult
> ritual, instead of a wedding, and IMO, that is a
> moral stand. You aren't worthy to go in, and
> that's a moral stand.

Zactly -- well said!

I don't see the point of it.

"Thank you for the invitation. I won't be there while you're inside, but I'll be there to give my good wishes after the temple session."

Your brother is choosing to have a wedding in a place you are prohibited from being. You are, by definition, not invited to his wedding. Lurking pathetically outside an event that you are expressly prohibited from attending is just plain weird.

Not attending an event to which you are not invited is not taking a moral stand. It is responding to the situation in the only sensible manner.

You are invited to the reception. Do that.

Different. You invited him to attend your wedding and he chose not to bring his children. He invited you to stay outside his wedding because his chosen venture says you are unworthy.

Will his first bride be there? The two sister wives might as well get used to each other in this life.

His first bride kinda hates him now.

After the divorce, we got a pretty good picture of who she is. She's the most self-righteous Molly Mormon I know, who uses the fact that she has a temple recommend to excuse being a generally horrible person who purposefully alienated her daughter from my brother out of spite.

I like Blue's suggestions--go to the reception, don't make a statement, wish the new couple well (they're probably going to need it!) Boner.

The guy getting married is an Ex Mo? HOw is he going to get a temple recommend for the wedding?
If I were you, I'd go to the reception but not the ceremony. You can't go anyway so why try?

I have no idea why there is any obligation to go to the temple and wait outside, other than to take family photos on the temple grounds. I can't think of any other reason.
IF you want to be in the family photos, arrive in time for them, if not, just go to the reception. Keep it simple.

Sounds like many Mormons -- play the game (lie or confess and repent) to go to the temple as it's a huge cultural tradition and expectation.

I think the family photos in front of the temple are ridiculous, too. I mean it's fine to take photos of the people who were part of the wedding, but to then import a bunch of people deemed unworthy for the express purpose of pretending that they were not excluded is just a big lie. There's no way I'd be part of that.

If they want pictures of the whole family, take them at the event that includes the whole family--the reception. I would decline to be part of revisionist history.

Ya know, when it's all said and done, the pics they take outside with the whole family is what they remember about their wedding. The wedding is horrible. Most brides don't even bother to wear their wedding dress to get married in anymore. With communication the way it is, they know beforehand that it will be covered up with the toga and fig leaf and buttugly veil. They're kneeling there getting married and feeling like they're dressed up for Halloween and should go trick-or-treating to the other sealing rooms. Even for the bride, the wedding day actually starts when she gets to go back to the changing room after the giving yourself away ritual and puts her wedding dress on and heads outside to the cheering crowd.

Yes, it IS meant to humiliate you. Don't let it be. It's a joke and the poor bride just went through that joke knowing she was missing out on a real wedding. Be there to give her a hug, whisper in her ear that the real wedding fun can start now. They won't even remember you weren't inside. They'll just be trying hard to block that part of the day out of their minds.

This is his 4th marriage? Don't worry about going to this one, in a few years you can attend the next one. This guy does not have a good track record with marriage.

My husband and I never have waited outside the temple after leaving the church. I did wait outside a few times, as a TBM, before I had my endowments. I wanted to share in people's joy as they came out, and I accepted that I wasn't allowed in. Yet.

But now that I've left the church, it has a much different feel. People would assume I'm unworthy, or that it's my own fault for not having a recommend. I would never show up to create my own shaming session.

And now I object to the whole idea that family members are not ALLOWED to attend family weddings. If I showed up and waited outside, I would be accepting their policy and I won't do that.

I'd be hard pressed to show up for a 4th wedding, let alone one I was told I wasn't good enough to be in the audience.

Go to the reception if you must, but really, how many of these weddings does one have to tolerate?

If you have to fly there, rent a car, get a hotel room, buy a gift, etc. etc. I'd be sending them an RSVP with my regrets.

Mormons divide the world population into "worthy" and "non-worthy" camps. They force "worthy" members to be rude and dismissive of any "unworthy" member who they place somewhat above the lowly non-members who might commit sins like drinking coffee or wearing sleeveless tops.

There's no need to play that game. Standing around in a waiting room or out under a tree during a wedding isn't helpful or uplifting to anyone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/06/2016 07:12AM by Cheryl.

If you are invited to babysit..........wait outside or be in the photos......are you invited to attend alone?

And are you invited to the reception as a couple or you alone?

I would respond with a big "NO, I will not be attending" if I had to go alone.

Your husband sounds like a very kind man.......and he's right. The day is about the couple............so I'd send a generous gift & card but stay away.

I'm doubting you'd be asked to babysit. Your Brother didn't bring his kids to your wedding. So you're not Uncle worthy already. Sorry this sounds harsh but the church is hurtful.

So far I've not been invited to a temple photo shoot. But I know I'm not going if it ever happens.

One nephew did the family photos before the reception at the stake house.............that was so the bride's Catholic parents & siblings would be included. And their reception was an unscale event.........with a caterer and sit down meal(not punch/cake/candies & nuts)

Except for the Relief Society ring thingy ceremony, which was tacky, the family time was actually fun.

Anon sometimes

Fourth wedding? Nah, send a gift and get on with your life.

I did the "wait with the unworthies and watch the kids" thing once and swore I'd never do it again. And I never did.

I refuse to go anywhere near the temple ceremony. I show up for the evening reception and I inform anyone who asks that I will attend the reception but will not wait outside the temple to take photos.

If I'm invited to the wedding luncheon, I'll attend that too. But, I meet everyone at the luncheon venue.

Waiting in the room of unworthies was like having a scarlet letter pinned on me. I will not do it under any circumstances.

Xyandro Wrote:
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> What do you exmos think?


Jesus Christ. Seriously?

The policy of the church to divide families between temple attending/worthy and non-temple attending/unworthy is IMO the most despicable and divisive practice within the church. The end result being hurt feelings and divisions in families. Why they persist in doing this in light of their so called goals for family is just beyond me. The money that is gained by the blackmail they perpetrate to get members to pay up or miss out must be worth it.

I would not wait at the temple and sanction any of this. Go to the reception with gift in hand and wish them good luck. Sounds like they will need it with their history.

Ziller did a really great post about going to a temple wedding where he was not entitled to attend other than waiting outside. He brought his RV and fired up the BBQ. He and the other unworthy guests had a great time eating BBQ, sipping cocktails, and generally enjoying each others' company. I think you should try this approach. We should all take a lesson from Ziller's playbook.

If you can't join em, have a better party! Maybe Mormons would realize that their temple weddings were causing great sinning and more fun.

I would never sit outside a temple because I'm "unworthy" to see a ceremony to be in the pictures, but I would go to the reception only. If I had been invited to my youngest step sister's wedding last summer, I would have declined the invitation since it was in Utah, and I live in California. Besides, I had other plans that weekend anyway. I might have shocked them by actually sending in my RSVP, even if it was to say "regrets" or "unable to attend" as Mormons generally don't respond either way to RSVP requests.

I'm glad I didn't have to decline because my mom now realizes that waiting outside the temple wasn't fun, and she didn't get told that Mormons wear their reception attire for the pictures so my mom just wore nice slacks and a blouse as to her, that's church clothing. Also, the only food at the reception was crepes, and a full soda bar, so my mom was disappointed because the hall was pretty expensive as they rented one of those reception halls in Utah instead of using the church gym. She just assumed that if they were going to spend a thousand or so on a reception hall, it would include a full meal.