I'm just sick & tired & angry today about how much the cult has screwed up my life.

Here I am, I stopped believing as a little kid, I have been out for almost 15 1/2 years, no one from the cult directly bothers me about cult matters, but I am still dealing with cult issues on a daily basis that are wrecking my life. It doesn't help that I have to see that damn institute building right across the street from my college almost every day.

I'm trying so hard to not crack under the pressure.

Are you able now or foreseeable future to distance yourself from the physical reminders of the morg?

Since the structures themselves are giving you cause for anxiety, in likely proportion to the local members who exercise some influence over you, consider the possibilities of relocating somewhere with minimal or no LDS influence in your next home.

It may help relieve some of the pressure you are feeling. Although I have a saying that I've shared with my own children, and remind myself at times I feel like running away. :)

You cannot run from problems as they have a way of cropping up wherever we may wander to. That being said, if I had to face your demons I'd still want to move regardless.

To a more neutral friendly place without so many reminders that are haunting you perpetually.

Now if you can wear blinders and be impervious to the inflections and causality surrounding you, then you may be able to tune out the noise that you find too intense.

Hope you feel better in the morning. Maybe it's just been a rough day?!

When I feel like that, I find it helpful to get outside of myself. I try to accomplish something, or help someone else, or anything that can re-focus my thoughts an energy. Even something as simple as organizing a closet can give you a sense of accomplishment and control over your environment.

I'll just add that I've been in the worst mood today for no goddamn good reason. I have the worst combination of anxiety, numbness, and agitation. I'd rather be pissed at something so I could release it through music like I usually do. But instead I just don't give a fuck and that's the worst feeling ever.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm so tired of it all.

I've been feeling out of sorts lately myself. Wonder if its the weather, or a government plot to plant microbugs inside our heads to drive us 'buggy?' Not really trying to be funny, considering am surrounded by online conspiracy theorists I spend more time hiding from than the conspiracies they like to tout.

Otherwise, have you considered taking a break from the ordinary? If you're able to, whether going on a walk around the neighborhood to clear your head, get some fresh air? Or a drive somewhere away from where you are to create distance and a retreat at least for a day or two?

I'm very bored by routine. Sometimes we just need to shake things up a little to feel back in sorts, just be gentle on yourself and those you love.

You're not alone, Tristan. Childhood indoctrination and re-enforcement by corporal punishment throw a long shadow. I'm 58, and sometimes I recall the shitty things my Mormon parents did to me fifty years ago with anger. It pisses me off that I was lied to by ignorant Mormons and selfish family. My parents and two youngest siblings are so deluded and judgmental that they find it necessary to live in St. George, because they can't stand California and Oregon--the two states we've lived in for generations. It's like the Jewish New Yorker who moves to Israel, because he can't stomach pushing elevator buttons on Shabbat. Sheesh.