Posted by:
FrodoLivesAgain
(
)
Date: May 01, 2016 09:51AM
This is a 3 email thread between my son and me in reverse chronological order. Scroll to the bottom and read in reverse order.
Thoughts?
My reply to his reply
Dear Son,
Today is Orthodox Easter, the most important holiday of the year for Christians.
I understand that you and I have disagreements over how you feel entitled to support from my disability stipend. The money I sent you was the entire sum of the money I received from piping at a Cancer benefit. 100%. It was not given as a birthday gift, rather as something free and clear, offered to you as a gesture of compassion and concern. Could I afford it? No, I couldn’t. Will I do so in the future? I don’t know. That remains to be seen.
I am disappointed that you didn’t thank us for the gift that we did offer to you, namely to visit us – at our expense – here in Houston or in Greece. The value of that gift, aside from the money, cannot be estimated. It is a chance for you and I to build something that we have never had – a real relationship as father and son. That gift remains yours to be redeemed when you feel ready and able to do so.
When I was your age, I thought I knew everything. I was like you, looking for my way in the world. I turned to religion, became deeply religious, but used religion as a substitute for real relationships, and as a bandage for my own wounds. I accepted Mormonism thinking that I could find in it a ‘perfect family’, something that had eluded me all my life to that point. When I was in Mormonism, after being married to your mother, after about 5 years, I came to the gradual realization that not only was it not true, in any sense of the word, but that it was a religious cult, and that its claims were patently not true. The catalyst of that realization was my becoming a Mason and seeing, first hand, that the temple rituals – the secret handshakes, the rituals themselves – were borrowed or stolen from Freemasonry by Joseph Smith, himself a Mason. I had heard about the similarities from books, but there was no internet at the time, and my sources were limited. I asked your mother for a divorce at the time, which she refused. I suppressed my doubts, and tried to move on. Eventually, the cognitive dissonance became so great that I became deeply depressed, and that, with the actual condition of ADD/ADHD, which I was diagnosed with only last year, led to the misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder, and years of psychiatric drugs, leading, of course, to the hospitalizations and Parkinson’s. I took me nearly twenty years to fully accept that I was trapped in a religious cult, not only by my profession of a faith that I no longer believed in, but in a marriage that had profoundly deteriorated. I could have – should have – left when I realized that Mormonism was a cult, that it was a sham, but I chose to stay, to raise you and your sister in it, to your detriment. I allowed your spiritual education and environment to be dictated by your mother, with only half-hearted influence by me.
I did leave Mormonism – twice – the first time after I was investigated by the Strengthening Church Members Committee of the First Presidency as a result of illegal wiretapping. Yes Jared, this actually happened. Ed Garrity was the bishop, John Powell the Stake President at the time. I was called in by the Stake President to his office one Sunday morning in 1999, and I saw, on his desk, two pieces of paper. One, a printout of a private email I had sent to an ex-Mormon, with my name circled, my email address circled, and notes written in the margins. The other was a letter from the Strengthening Church Members Committee, the Office of the First Presidency, and asked that I be investigated as a possible sympathizer with Mormon apostates. This was, of course, illegal. The server that hosted the group’s email had been hacked – wiretapped – and my private correspondence used as the basis of an official investigation by two men I knew and respected, my local church leaders. That was the first time that I left the Church. You know, of course, about the final time that I walked away. It took 15 years after that illegal investigation to finally walk away. And yes, son, this is absolutely, 100% true. Your mother swore me to secrecy, believing that if you ever knew it would shake your faith. The days of keeping that promise are over. It is time that you know the truth of that ugly matter. Men that I trusted to be led by God used illegally obtained information to question my faith and obedience. My faith was never the same after that.
The real problems for me were when I was willing to live with the cognitive dissonance of realizing that I was in a cult – and one that to all outward appearances was ‘normal’ – this wasn’t a commune, people were holding jobs, raising families and so on – and feeling unable to leave due to not wanting you and your sister to grow up in a broken home, myself having had my father leave when I was 19. My motives were good, but I suppressed all doubts based on my own needs of having a family and friends. When I did leave in the end, in 2014, I did lose my friends and, in reality, you and your sister. What I had hoped to keep I ended up losing, and I paid a heavy price – the misdiagnosis, the years of drug addiction, going on disability, and so on. All that you know. I lost all my friends. Ian, Michelle, Ann, Bob, everyone – their friendship was conditional on my staying in Mormonism, or at least staying married to your mother. As long as I was ‘bipolar’, and had Parkinson’s at least I was a pity case. I had thought their friendship was genuine. As it turned out, it had conditions. Love with conditions is not love. It is something, but it is not love.
So why am I telling you this? Because now, free of drugs, and out of the control of your religion, I am more capable of being the father to you that you truly need. I realize that you probably sincerely believe in Mormonism. It’s all you’ve ever known. It’s what I allowed you to be raised in, despite my own misgivings. It’s your world, it’s what you sacrificed two years of your life for. I do understand, although I had a different upbringing. I try to be compassionate in how I view you, expecially in this manner. I allowed you to be raised this way, in this religious cult, and now both you and I are paying the price of my decision to stay those many years ago.
You may find my use of the word ‘cult’ insulting or at least inaccurate. I suggest you do your research. People who are in cults don’t realize they are until they’re out. Being out gives you the perspective that you previously lacked. I don’t expect you to completely understand now, but someday maybe you will.
I don’t know if you’ll accept anything that I’ve said. I’ve spoken the truth, and it is the least that I can do for you as your father. No, I cannot support you. More money will probably not be coming your way, unless there are compelling reasons to do so. As I’ve told you many times, I don’t have the means to support you. I am going to school again myself, trying to rebuild the career that was shattered by illness. The money isn’t there to support you. The love is, the compassion is, and the desire to build a genuine relationship with you most certainly is.
I hope that you will read and re-read this and not reply hastily. You are a man, and you are responsible for your life. I love you, as my only son, and the heir of my name. There is so much that I want to share with you about your family history, your connections to the other men whose name you bear. There is a whole side of the family – my aunts and uncles and cousins – who want to get to know you. There are many people here in Houston and in Greece who want to get to know you, and who already have their arms open to love and accept you. You can accept that love, the love that I offer to you as your father, the love that is offered freely by Mybwife and by our family and friends, or you can reject it. None of us, me included, would ask you to abandon your faith. I discovered for myself that it wasn’t true, but it took many years and much suffering to accept the consequences of that realization. I wish to spare you that pain, but if that is a path you want to walk, it is your life in the end, and you will have to live with the consequences of your decisions, as I have learned to live with mine.
I hope and pray as you go forward that you find what you are seeking. When you are ready, our arms are open.
With love,
Dad
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His reply
Dear Dad, thank you for the $100.00 you put into my account. As you are aware from previous disagreements, it helps greatly.
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Original email.
Dear Son,
We hope that you are well, and enjoying your school experiences and life in Idaho.
As your birthday is tomorrow, we wanted to offer you a gift. Our gift to you is one that you can redeem when you feel ready and able to do so. We want to give you a round-trip airline ticket to wherever we are, here in Houston, or in Greece. We will be in Greece during the month of July, possibly into August, and plan on doing so every year as we are able. Our gift includes accommodations either with us, in our home or in a nearby hotel, or with friends near us or in our family homes in Athens or Leonidion (a small town on the Aegean, a few hours’ drive from Athens). We hope that you will be able to come, but it’s important that you feel ready to visit us. There is no pressure, and you won’t find judgement – only love and support, from us, and from our friends and family.
We wish you a very happy birthday, and are proud of your accomplishments.
With love,
Dad
Sent from my iPhone