So I've been married for 10 years, whole family both sides are members and we have 2 kids. Went on a mission, married in the temple blah blah blah. I've always had doubts and it's only gotten worse since I moved away from Utah about 6 years ago. I have never been fully active missing church as much as possible but lately my wife noticed I wasn't going at all. She finally forced me to tell her my thoughts on it. She was angry and has given me the cold shoulder this whole week. I called her out on it and she said she needs time to process it. She's upset our family is no longer perfect and won't raise our young children with the same values. I told her I have not changed any of my values. Nothing has changed in fact; I just can't keep blindly going to church and pretending anymore. She said she's going to tell family and friends. I don't know what to do. I know I can't convince her to do any actually research on the church. She has too many friends and family in the church and would never leave. Even if she knew the church was a lie. What do I do? What's the next step to make this easier?

all around for you guys. I think it might be easier for you (ten years into your temple? marraige after you returned from your mission)

if you could speak with someone in person about:
*where you want your life to go
*what you can nd cannot control
*who you can and cannot control

*gather your goals and get coaching

seriously, gather some goals and get coaching personally directly in person directed to you by someone who can know you & see you. life is important it matters. seek coaching

Shit! Then SHIfT gears. Can't go in reverse and it may be too late to idle. The Church changes while You stay the same. The church lies about the insides of the church as well as the outsides.

It's probably best to have references handy in the first 'discussion'. All you can do now is leave quotes and notes out, and web pages open, so she can do her own investigation. She thinks the church has the truth (and therefore you can't).

moremany Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Shit! Then SHIfT gears. Can't go in reverse and it
> may be too late to idle. The Church changes while
> You stay the same. The church lies about the
> insides of the church as well as the outsides.
>
> It's probably best to have references handy in the
> first 'discussion'. All you can do now is leave
> quotes and notes out, and web pages open, so she
> can do her own investigation. She thinks the
> church has the truth (and therefore you can't).

I feel like I made a mistake and wish I could go in reverse. It's like the crap hit the fan hard and I don't know how to clean it up. What do you mean by references about the first discussion?

Of course you didn't make a mistake. You don't believe the church is true, and it's not. Your wife confronted you and you answered honestly. This shouldn't have been big news if you haven't been attending.

Why is she in a hurry to tell family and friends? And was that a threat, or is she incapable of discretion? Since when are YOUR religious beliefs HER story to share?

When there is a crisis in a marriage, or any relationship, it doesn't help to put more pressure on the relationship by seeking allies and comfort outside the relationship (if that's what she's doing).

It would be reasonable to ask her to work this out with you, and maybe even with a marriage counselor rather than bringing other people into it. Frankly, her response seemed immature: Silent treatment, blaming you for ruining her perfect family, wanting to tell everybody, questioning your values, refuses to try to research or understand your side of things.

What can YOU do to make it better? Go back to church and pretend.

Just kidding!

Now that you've taken a stand, you can't give in to childish behavior. A lot of TBMs kind of freak out at first, but sometimes they calm down in a few weeks or months and adjust to the new normal. Give it some time.

True believers are emotionally anxious and volatile, and I've been reading a book that suggests that when dealing with difficult or reactive people, perhaps the best thing you can do is be calm and self-assured, in essence, be strong and don't let them ramp up YOUR emotions. He compared calm people to transformers. This is all about emotions, not facts. Try to assure her that everything will be okay.

I'm pasting a link to a summary of part 1 of the book. I highly recommend the book, as it explains perfectly how people react when someone tries to change, and how to be a leader when that happens. The summary leaves out some really important stuff about how herd mentality tries to bring anyone back in line who tries to find their own individuality apart from the 'herd'. And that is triggered by emotional processes like fear and anxiety about the next life. When someone leaves the church, it's herd mentality on steroids.

https://alastairadversaria.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/summary-of-edwin-friedmans-a-failure-of-nerve-part-1/ BTW, the summary assumes that liberals won't the book. I don't agree with that.

edit: I just found part 2, which is much more relevant to your situation. It's about chronic anxiety, and the dysfunctional way people avoid dealing with problems.
https://alastairadversaria.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/summary-of-edwin-friedmans-a-failure-of-nerve-part-2/



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 02:00AM by imaworkinonit.

imaworkinonit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Of course you didn't make a mistake. You don't
> believe the church is true, and it's not. Your
> wife confronted you and you answered honestly.
> This shouldn't have been big news if you haven't
> been attending.
>
> Why is she in a hurry to tell family and friends?
> And was that a threat, or is she incapable of
> discretion? Since when are YOUR religious beliefs
> HER story to share?
>
> When there is a crisis in a marriage, or any
> relationship, it doesn't help to put more pressure
> on the relationship by seeking allies and comfort
> outside the relationship (if that's what she's
> doing).
>
> It would be reasonable to ask her to work this out
> with you, and maybe even with a marriage counselor
> rather than bringing other people into it.
> Frankly, her response seemed immature: Silent
> treatment, blaming you for ruining her perfect
> family, wanting to tell everybody, questioning
> your values, refuses to try to research or
> understand your side of things.
>
> What can YOU do to make it better? Go back to
> church and pretend.
>
> Just kidding!
>
> Now that you've taken a stand, you can't give in
> to childish behavior. A lot of TBMs kind of freak
> out at first, but sometimes they calm down in a
> few weeks or months and adjust to the new normal.
> Give it some time.
>
> True believers are emotionally anxious and
> volatile, and I've been reading a book that
> suggests that when dealing with difficult or
> reactive people, perhaps the best thing you can do
> is be calm and self-assured, in essence, be strong
> and don't let them ramp up YOUR emotions. He
> compared calm people to transformers. This is all
> about emotions, not facts. Try to assure her that
> everything will be okay.
>
> I'm pasting a link to a summary of part 1 of the
> book. I highly recommend the book, as it explains
> perfectly how people react when someone tries to
> change, and how to be a leader when that happens.
> The summary leaves out some really important stuff
> about how herd mentality tries to bring anyone
> back in line who tries to find their own
> individuality apart from the 'herd'. And that is
> triggered by emotional processes like fear and
> anxiety about the next life. When someone leaves
> the church, it's herd mentality on steroids.
>
> https://alastairadversaria.wordpress.com/2012/01/0
> 8/summary-of-edwin-friedmans-a-failure-of-nerve-pa
> rt-1/ BTW, the summary assumes that liberals
> won't the book. I don't agree with that.
>
> edit: I just found part 2, which is much more
> relevant to your situation. It's about chronic
> anxiety, and the dysfunctional way people avoid
> dealing with problems.
> https://alastairadversaria.wordpress.com/2012/01/
> 10/summary-of-edwin-friedmans-a-failure-of-nerve-p
> art-2/

Honestly I made that exact statement about faking it and going to church if that would make her happy. We know that it's too late for that. I've been doing that for years.

I told her that giving me the cold shoulder is exactly what I knew she would do and hence why I have never opened up about it and she apologized and said she will need time to process it.

She is saying she's not going to lie to friends and family about me not going to church and doesn't know what to tell people. She wants someone to talk to so once she tells one person everyone else will know of course since everybody loves drama.

Thank you for the references.

No, you definitely did not make a mistake in my way of thinking. Mormonism is an all-encompassing, extremely time consuming religion that dictates what you will and will not bring into your life, and it is what you signed up for on some level when you married in the temple. You and your wife, again on some level, were in this step together.

I believe on her part there is a feeling of extreme fear for the future because of her indoctrination. You have upset her world, and, at least for now, she cannot relate to where you are. I think she was wise to suggest that she needs time to process it, but I do not condone or advocate the steps she is adding to this process. The problem lies ONLY between the two of you, not extended family members, friends, bishop, etc. Do tell her that you need the two of you to discuss the matter when she is ready and do stand strong that, in your opinion, this involves just the two of you or, if needed, a counselor that is not LDS.

Do show and tell her how much she means to you and that she and the children are everything to you if this is how you feel.
Go out of your way to help her know on very certain terms and in very special ways (so she knows without a doubt) that you are there for her.

You know and I know that the church/cult does not put her or anyone first, only the organization, so you can beat them at their game.

(((Hugs from a caring Grandma)))



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 02:55AM by presleynfactsrock.

presleynfactsrock Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> No, you definitely did not make a mistake in my
> way of thinking. Mormonism is an
> all-encompassing, extremely time consuming
> religion that dictates what you will and will not
> bring into your life, and it is what you signed up
> for on some level when you married in the temple.
> You and your wife, again on some level, were in
> this step together.
>
> I believe on her part there is a feeling of
> extreme fear for the future because of her
> indoctrination. You have upset her world, and, at
> least for now, she cannot relate to where you are.
> I think she was wise to suggest that she needs
> time to process it, but I do not condone or
> advocate the steps she is adding to this process.
> The problem lies ONLY between the two of you, not
> extended family members, friends, bishop, etc. Do
> tell her that you need the two of you to discuss
> the matter when she is ready and do stand strong
> that, in your opinion, this involves just the two
> of you or, if needed, a counselor that is not
> LDS.
>
> Do show and tell her how much she means to you and
> that she and the children are everything to you if
> this is how you feel.
> Go out of your way to help her know on very
> certain terms and in very special ways (so she
> knows without a doubt) that you are there for her.
>
>
> You know and I know that the church/cult does not
> put her or anyone first, only the organization, so
> you can beat them at their game.
>
> (((Hugs from a caring Grandma)))

Thank you. My exact words to her when we talked was that my family means everything to me. My young children and her are all that matter and I would never break that up. My parents divorced when I was 1 and my step dad (who raised me as a son) died 4 years ago. That's really when I started doubting the church and it's priesthood and power but that's a different story.

She wants someone to talk to about it. What do I tell her with out her bringing the whole community and family into this?

Thank you so much for the responses. At first I was afraid to post something but I'm glad I did.

A few follow up questions.

She wants to know why I have doubts. If I bash the church she just uses the well you don't read your scriptures or pray that's why you don't have a testimony. How do I respond to this?

Do I toss the garments now? Will that be too much for her to handle? I hate wearing them but don't want to rock the boat more.

What are some solid points against the church? Things that bother me most are polygamy, history of blacks, tithing. What are some other good solid points against the church?

Who can I reach out to? My friends and family are all active members. My non members have no clue about the church. Mormons to them are nice but have strange beliefs. They would have no idea how to help me with this problem.

I know she's not leaving the church anytime soon. She has doubts too, I know this because we've talked about it in the past but she is extremely locked into the community thing. All her best friends are members, her parents are very strict members and would probably outcast her if she ever left. She is extremely close to her parents so she would never let this happen.

"What are some solid points against the church?"

Here are a couple sites that cover all those questions quite well.


http://cesletter.com/

http://www.mormonthink.com/



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 10:01AM by eternal1.

You can and should tell her why you have doubts, since she asked and it clears the air. But I'd forego details right now. She is having a hard enough time right now, so the details would likely make her panic more. She'd probably get defensive because it's a direct stab to her beliefs, which when strong, it's easy for anyone to take an affront to. I'd say something like, "I have issues with polygamy, history of blacks in the church, and paying tithing. I do not like how JS married other men's wives (or whatever your reasoning is)." Keep it basic but descriptive enough for now. I'd pull reasons directly from the essays, because she might be a bit more receptive to an LDS source. Anything more has the chance of making her build up resentment and other hostile feelings. When you sense she feels less defensive and is open to listening to details, that will be the time to share them. There's no use trying to reason with someone when they are caught up in their own thoughts.

As for the garments, I wouldn't chuck them right now, especially when emotions are running high, but certainly don't wear them. That's not one of the things she should make you feel obligated to negotiate on. You don't have to wear anything you hate. I would put them in a box under the bed though. Out of sight so you don't have to deal with them.

I understand her need to want to share this with someone she feels comfortable with, to get this scary issue off her chest. But not with the whole community! And not to someone who is going to blab to everyone else. That's not a respectful way for her to treat you. She wants someone safe to share it with, who will also validate her expression. Beyond that, she needs to talk with you. She needs to realize that just because your beliefs have changed, you are no less of a husband or person. It's really going to be a journey of you both learning to adjust to a split lifestyle, but especially for her. It will take a lot of patience from both sides. If she's not willing to meet you half way, then a non LDS counselor might be a necessary step. Have patience, but if after enough time she's still resistant, she should not expect you to continue having patience with her. Life should not be a constant drain. That's not fair to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 11:29AM by demoneca.

Sounds like you married your wife and she married the church.

Sorry to hear this.

We were married in the temple over 10 years ago. Our marriage is great. In fact we are pretty much perfect for each other. But not sure who she's going to process this. I don't have anyone to talk to. All my family are members, my mom was the type of mom growing up that didn't give you a choice about a mission or church. It's go or move out type of thing.

I don't know why honesty would be a wrong approach. Let her know that you thought it was only fair to her that you be honest. Whether you'd told her or not, wouldn't have changed your feelings. But your morals and integrity were being compromised by dishonesty. Surely she can understand that.

THEN you talk about where you go from here, what you both want out of the marriage, what you want your marriage to be based on and how each of you can compromise and respect the other person and their feelings. You may need help to work that through, but it can be worked through.

I know several families where then TBM man has been honest with their wives about their non belief. In all three of these families, the whole family still attends church and the man has made a lot of compromises. But so has the wife. I really respect them. It has to be better than just going along in silence until you burst.

You do have someone to talk to. You have hundreds of people to talk to. People who can really relate. Who've been exactly where you are right now.

You have us. And we aren't going anywhere.


Your wife is scared. She's been conditioned to be scared of apostates. Now, you are going to become a sex starved alcoholic murderer, or something even worse - a democrat!

Let her know the person she married is still here. In fact, BECAUSE he's still here, you have to leave. Let her know you stand for honesty, so you can't participate. Let her know the Air Force Academy honor oath ("We will not lie, steal, or cheat, nor tolerate among us anyone who does. Furthermore, I resolve to do my duty and to live honorably, (so help me God)." is something you can support. The church is dishonest.

If she asks why/how you could say such things about the church, I'd probably tell her you know things you can't unknow, and if she wants to know too, try reading the above links (CES letter and Mormonthink).

This whole thing may end badly. If so, it may be some small consolation to know you're the honest one, and she married a dishonest church instead of an honest man.

We'll always be here for you.

Your story reminds me of Ghandi and his nonviolent opposition to colonialism. He believed deeply that colonialism, and its attendant racism, was passive violence. He also believed deeply, having lived and been educated in England, that the British people were good, peaceful people; and the only reason they put up with the cruelty and violence of colonialism was that they couldn't see it. So his activities were designed to transform the latent, passive, invisible violence of colonialism into overt, active violent supression, which would appall the good British people.

That's what I see going on here. Mormonism is a cruel and vicious cult. When everyone is going along to get along it seems so sweet, full of "values." But violent repression of honesty and individuality is at its core. At heart, obedience and subservience to power are its only values. So, you come out of the closet, as it were, and the passive violence becomes active: shunning, tattling to your relatives--to enlist your fear of their reaction (more virulent shunning by more close relations) against you. People who've been through it tell you they're sorry because it can devolve further until you're prevented from talking to your own children.

In line with following through with Ghandi's anhimsa (nonviolent resistance), I think I'd beard the lion in his den. Ask your wife for joint meetings with the Bishop. Then tell the Bishop to his face why you don't believe. Have a man-to-man talk with him, with your wife in attendance--she's got no power in that conversation, she'll have to do whatever the Bishop and you decide between yourselves. Bring out the cruelty of this cult. It's as cruel to her as it is to you. Work it out with the Bishop that she leaves you alone. Then hold her to it. She'll be mad at you; but don't get emotional. She's projecting onto you her frustration with her utter lack of power within the church--which she can't see.

The Bishop's certainly heard your story before and has just as certainly gotten the word from on-high that guys like you are not to be expelled. You're to be handled with kid gloves if the church is going to keep any of its priesthood holders in the next 10 years. Again, I would take this to the religious authorities directly. Your wife has got no agency in the church when it comes to wanting a man to be different, and she should be made to know it. If she goes to the Bishop without you, it flatters him that he's the man in this situation. But if you go to the Bishop with her, he's got to acknowledge--at least to your face--that you're the man in your family (she's the man, never). If I were you, I'd go to the Bishop with her over and over. Defang the situation.

What I hope is that she'd have it up to here with the equivacating of the church authorities. She's been taught all her life that her role, her value, is being the moral glue that holds wavering men to the rod. She'll find out that's a bill of goods, it's more flattery to keep her serve, serve, serving. You, a man, can outright quit, and still get all of the attention. The system's really flawed, and she pays the price. She just can't see it yet.

Powerful post about the emotional violence of Mormonism! It teaches people to be 'nice' until anyone steps out of line. And EVERYBODY who is a lifetime member understands that leaving will have extreme social consequences. That's what keeps them there. That's what keeps people from pursuing their doubts.

Personally, I'd avoid bringing the bishop into it. But I think you should point out to your wife when people behave badly towards you: when they try to manipulate, blame, shame, meddle, control, and when they make incorrect assumptions about your character or supposed sins.

Is that acceptable behavior? Why do they do that? Why are they so insecure and sensitive to a difference of belief? Why don't they just give answers instead of resorting to character assassination (which they will do)? What are they SO afraid of?

If the church makes people better, why do members of the church behave SO badly when someone leaves?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 10:37AM by imaworkinonit.

I went through, kinda the same procees, although I was a late in life convert who went TBM & always in leadership positions for 15 years until I discovered the rock in the hat, the 14 year old bride, BOA, genetics, etc...

My approach with my wife, which has resulted in a marriage that is stronger and more open than ever before is I 1st accepted I could not live the lie anymore, followed by a conversion to salvation by Grace.

my wife glibly said once, you are Anti-Mormon, which I replied, really I'm not, I'm pro-truth.

I love my wife more than I have ever loved her because Grace had taught me love is not s reward of performance, love is freely given.

I hope this helps.
Peace.

Luke, you have taken your first step into a wider world.

Start with the low hanging fruit. The BOA. Then the BOM which not only is purely 19th century fiction by all available evidence (and there's quite a lot), but many parts of the narrative are impossible by any stretch of the imagination.

But before that, let her know that you are redefining your family because it's the only way out. In your family, love comes first. This contention over things which are really the church's fault has no place in your family. They are the ones hiding the truth instead of confronting it head on, not you. The so called prophet has failed to lead his church, and by extension your family. So, that leaves you and you will lead with love and truth. Truth will not be sacrificed.

Even if she's the pants wearer, her deference to patriarchy can work for you. You get to be 1950s Father Knows Best.

See a collection of suggestions for people in your situation at http://packham.n4m.org/spouse.htm "Married to a Mormon Spouse."

Important cautions:

- Don't promise too much in trying to compromise;
- Don't start drinking wine, watching porn, etc.;
- Emphasize that you are still the same good husband, father, citizen, etc. that you were before she knew you were a non-believer: honest, hard-working, loving;
- Remind her of the 11th Article of Faith.

RPackham Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> See a collection of suggestions for people in your
> situation at http://packham.n4m.org/spouse.htm
> "Married to a Mormon Spouse."
>
> Important cautions:
>
> - Don't promise too much in trying to compromise;
> - Don't start drinking wine, watching porn, etc.;
> - Emphasize that you are still the same good
> husband, father, citizen, etc. that you were
> before she knew you were a non-believer: honest,
> hard-working, loving;
> - Remind her of the 11th Article of Faith.

Great article, thank you. I told her nothing has changed, I've never drank, smoked, cheated on her and never will. It's not who I am. I know part of her is thinking I'm going to hell now since I don't want to go to church. She won't admit that but it's pretty obvious.

I think it's understandable that your wife was initially very upset. I would give her a pass on that. Her first reaction may very well settle down with time.

I would have a talk with her about keeping your story unified and simple. She should NOT go spreading the news. Instead, if asked, she should simply state that you are "inactive at the present time." If asked why, she can say that it's "for personal reasons." Neither she nor you owe *anyone* an explanation!

Emphasize with her that it is in the best interest for you both to quikcly shut down the busybodies and "concerned" relatives and friends.

If she wants to know some reasons for her doubts you can start her off on the Mormon Think website (link above.) I wouldn't take it any further than that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 11:26AM by summer.

Or, when people ask, she can just say: "If you have questions, I think you should just ask him directly. He's his own person."

To her, the news might be as shocking as when I found out my boyfriend was gay and I had no one to talk to. Her world has been shaken to its core. She does need someone to talk to and it isn't mormons who don't understand. She needs someone who also has a "mixed" belief marriage. If she talks to only those who aren't in her position, then she will get the wrong message.

I would bet she feels like she is the only person in the world facing this situation. She feels ALONE.

I didn't have anyone to talk to except the bishop and I couldn't talk to him often. It is a very lonely experience.

I swear I saw on fb the other day a couple who are a mixed belief (mormon) marriage. Did anyone else see it? I wonder if it was John Dehlin's page.

I hope it posts as I got a banned word. If I can't post it, you can e-mail me at colleen84319 @ yahoo.com

or look at John Dehlin's page on facebook. He has 2 pages. I got this off his personal page.

It wouldn't post. (Look under John Parkinson Dehlin--I just checked again to make sure I had the right page.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 11:41AM by cl2.

cl2 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hope it posts as I got a banned word. If I can't
> post it, you can e-mail me at colleen84319 @
> yahoo.com
>
> or look at John Dehlin's page on facebook. He has
> 2 pages. I got this off his personal page.
>
> It wouldn't post. (Look under John Parkinson
> Dehlin--I just checked again to make sure I had
> the right page.)


Found his page, what should I be looking for?

As a Christian exmo, this would be my dialogue,

If Jesus didn't say it, I don't do it.

Since Jesus is the God of this earth, and did I mention a God, then he said everything that was needed in the NT.

If Jesus said don't drink wine, then I wouldn't drink wine, but he didn't. He drank wine and told us to drink wine in remembrance of him. He didn't say anything about garments, secret handshakes.........

When your wife says she wants someone to talk to. I think she means she wants people to tell her what to do in this situation. She doesn't know how to process this. My wife went and told her father and then he felt the need to interlope in our marriage. I hate interlopers.


She never thought that it was possible for someone to ever lose their testimony.

Living in the mormon bubble sure has my wife's emotional growth.

scaredhusband Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When your wife says she wants someone to talk to.
> I think she means she wants people to tell her
> what to do in this situation. She doesn't know how
> to process this. My wife went and told her father
> and then he felt the need to interlope in our
> marriage. I hate interlopers.
>

This is what I'm afraid of. Her father is extremely controlling. He is involved way too much in her life decisions and I know he will be the one she will go to. He's the kind of Mormon who openly critizes other Christians as false and other members as sinners if he sees something. I once wore a tank top for "too long" on a tropical vacation one day. His exact words "your not keeping your covenants by wearing that".

I don't think you're going to get out of this without being criticized, so you've got to stop fearing it. Also, I don't think you're getting out of this without going head-to-head with your father-in-law over your wife's loyalty and affection. Welcome to the downside of patriarchy: two men fighting over who's got the right to call the shots and control the women. Obviously, her dad thinks it's he. I can't see how you avoid standing up to him.

Your wife's sense of self seems weak. You may need to come to grips with the fact that you're going to have to be the hero. Did Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti westerns ever seem to care who was on his side or who talked him down? He was all he needed. As far as I know, that's how you get the girl.

First off, don't give up. It often takes a long time. My wife and I had terrible fights about this at one point and she said to never bring it up again. But eventually she started to hear enough about these issues from other people - newspapers, online, etc. that she started to be open-minded about them. She no longer believes for the same reasons as I don't. So there is hope no matter what it looks like now.

What really helped me was to find others in your ward, family or circle of friends/acquantinces that also believe as you do. It wasn't until my home teacher validated everything I said that she started to take it seriously. It's the prophet is not believed in his own land kind of thing - at least it was for me.

mormonthinker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> First off, don't give up. It often takes a long
> time. My wife and I had terrible fights about
> this at one point and she said to never bring it
> up again. But eventually she started to hear
> enough about these issues from other people -
> newspapers, online, etc. that she started to be
> open-minded about them. She no longer believes
> for the same reasons as I don't. So there is hope
> no matter what it looks like now.
>
> What really helped me was to find others in your
> ward, family or circle of friends/acquantinces
> that also believe as you do. It wasn't until my
> home teacher validated everything I said that she
> started to take it seriously. It's the prophet is
> not believed in his own land kind of thing - at
> least it was for me.
This makes me feel a little better. Hoping one day she will wake up. I'm worried that it won't happen until her parents die. She would never be able to look them in the face and tell them she's leaving the church. So maybe in 30 years? Lol.
I wish I could find other members with similar beliefs near me. Maybe it's time for an Ex Mormon Tender app.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 12:29PM by bentaylor23.

bentaylor23 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I just can't
> keep blindly going to church and pretending
> anymore. She said she's going to tell family and
> friends. I don't know what to do.

Sorry, but you're going to have to TOUGH IT OUT!

Keep going to church along with her, keeping in your head it's all an act. View weekly attendance in the same way as going to a comedy club. You know all the stories and doctrine and B.S., but your wife and family matter most. Stop pretending your "conscience" won't allow you to go, and show some courage. There's lots of clueless imbeciles in this world; having to listen to their inane ramblings for three hours is a drop in the bucket. If she knows you're a doubter, show patience, and within time either TSCC morphs into a legitimate church, or (as it's doing now) plummets deeper into the abyss and it will come to a point that even she sees it's all a bunch of bullshit.

Impatience is the leading cause of new ex-Mormons losing their spouses and families.

Agnes Broomhead Wrote:
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> bentaylor23 Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > I just can't
> > keep blindly going to church and pretending
> > anymore. She said she's going to tell family
> and
> > friends. I don't know what to do.
>
> Sorry, but you're going to have to TOUGH IT OUT!
>
> Keep going to church along with her, keeping in
> your head it's all an act. View weekly attendance
> in the same way as going to a comedy club. You
> know all the stories and doctrine and B.S., but
> your wife and family matter most. Stop pretending
> your "conscience" won't allow you to go, and show
> some courage. There's lots of clueless imbeciles
> in this world; having to listen to their inane
> ramblings for three hours is a drop in the bucket.
> If she knows you're a doubter, show patience, and
> within time either TSCC morphs into a legitimate
> church, or (as it's doing now) plummets deeper
> into the abyss and it will come to a point that
> even she sees it's all a bunch of bullshit.
>
> Impatience is the leading cause of new ex-Mormons
> losing their spouses and families.

Your recommending I continue going to church and fake it? I've been doing that for years now. Every time she pays tithing I want to scream. I still help other members move, charity events, help the scouts etc but the tithing thing drives me crazy.

What kind of church makes you ask the question: did I make a mistake being honest with my wife?

Talk *that* over with your wife.

And hang in there. :)