Hey Guys,

I am new here and am looking for help. So I am 25, an RM and a current Nursing student. I live in Utah and just got married two months ago. My wife is very much so a TBM as is the rest of her family.
I knew her for a year before we dated for another year before we were married. We weren't married in the temple because of my "unbelief." Now the plan is for us to be sealed in the temple in a year set by Her parents and her and with my reluctant yes. Her parents were very opposed to us marrying outside the temple and my family was supportive and could care less. They just want me to be happy.
I will avoid making this long so to briefly sum up the situation...

I love my wife so much. I want to spend my life with her. Every time something about the church comes up, she gets very defensive. I work in an ICU currently as a Tele tech and work Saturday nights. I go to church on Sundays just to make her happy and I do my best to stay awake. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to pull me further and further away from my family because they are "bad influences." I feel a lot of this comes from her parents pressuring us to get married in the temple. I really want to make our marriage work but I don't want to fake the church anymore. Before anyone lectures me on how I should of thought about this before we were married, just know you don't know the circumstances surrounding that. Please save it because I need advice not a "you should have known better" statement. I told her how I felt about church and she knows my feelings. This is post marriage pressures that are arising now. I feel trapped. How do I come out of this, and save my marriage.
My wife has a better understanding of the gospel than most, reads her scriptures and prays everyday. She is incredibly intelligent and very spiritual. She may blindly follow on somethings but it doesn't mean she is totally blind to all of the churches history. She has an understanding that not all is well in the kingdom of god. One thing she consistently says is that faith is a choice. At this point I don't believe in anything. I want my wife to live her life as she sees fit. I still dream that one day she would leave the church and we could have the freedom we deserve but if she still wants to be in it, I am not going to convince her otherwise. The problem stems from her trying to force me to live it. We have had so many fights and it is putting a strain on our marriage early. I feel depressed and disconnected from the world, and I am distracted in school. I had no idea this would happen. Maybe I somehow gave her false hope that one day I would be a TBM with the rest of them. I don't know how but now that we are married it is like a switch flipped and all of what I have hoped for in life seems to be slipping away. I want my life just as much as I want my wife in it. I don't know what to do. Please help.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

My advice - don't have any kids until you figure this out between you and your wife.

And hoping it will all get magically better while going along with it isn't helping. You don't have time for that approach. That approach is for people who already have kids and where a divorce is a home wrecker.

I Second that..I am married for 3 years and in a really difficult situation because of both sides of TBM familyies and my 1.5 yr son with us, non believers...Just dont.

Thank you scotslander for that. We don't want kids for 4 years. That will give me time to finish nursing school and hopefully DNP school. She currently has an IUD in place to prevent that. I don't want to start thinking divorce yet at all. That is worst case scenario for me and an absolute last resort.

It wouldn't be a good time to have children right now if you're not sure your marriage is going to last. But regardless, it is really in your court what you decide to do.

Either you go along to get along. Or you need to draw your boundaries what you're willing to tolerate. If you love your wife it does not mean coalescing to every little demand. Marriage is give and take. Sometimes more give than take, but that doesn't mean sacrificing your conscience for convenience.

My advice is for both of you to get into marriage counseling. Not however with an LDS marriage counselor. But someone who can be neutral on the religion, and let you both talk it out, weighing your priorities, options and working through it so you can hopefully save your marriage without giving up what matters most to you or to her.

If you go along with her parents plan for your life you will resent their interference with your marriage and your happiness. Your wife accepted you as you were when she married you. You both accepted each other. She needs to make some compromises herself or you're going to resent her like you will her parents for trying to control you.

Them trying to take you away from your own family is a ploy used by other female LDS I have known. Namely, my sisters-in-law when they married my brothers they whisked them away from my inactive parents and separated them from my family for the rest of my parents natural lives. They thought they were superior by virtue of their holier than thou religiosity than my parents - and looked down their noses on them.

Don't let your wife's family do that to your family, without your consent. Hopefully you won't cave to their demands.

You do realize it might mean ultimately you two won't be together for the long haul? But you're still young and so is she.

There are lots of other young women out there if this doesn't work out you would probably be much happier with who would accept you exactly as you are without trying to force you to change.

Yes, "faith is a choice," and facing facts is a choice.

See my analysis on faith at http://packham.n4m.org/faith.htm

And be careful about letting them (your wife and inlaws) think that you might sometime believe it. You made a mistake by letting them think you will be sealed in a year. You are probably making a mistake by going to church.

See more suggestions for people in your situation at http://packham.n4m.org/spouse.htm

Thanks for that! Facing facts is also a choice. I had the "faith is a choice" conversation recently and that is the perfect answer. I tried to explain the same thing, but it didn't come out quite as clearly. I just said something like "you can't really make a choice if you don't have the facts." So I'm ready for next time.

I'd say get to counseling, now. With a non-LDS (unbiased) counselor.

It's sad when people marry with a hidden agenda to change/convert their spouse AFTER they are married. I've seen this happen over and over again on this board. It's a Mormon thing to do.

This isn't going to get better unless you resolve it. You need to get super clear with her that you are never going to convert. Also, her parents need to BUTT OUT. And she needs to either accept that, or you both walk. Everyone has the RIGHT to worship as they choose. You shouldn't expect her to change and she shouldn't expect to change you.

Her parents have no f-ing business meddling in your marriage, and that needs to be cleared up, ASAP.

Please don't bring any children into this until this is resolved.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what was the outcome?

You have to be yourself or your marriage will never be a happy one. A lifetime of faking it is just that. You already know.

Do not do something as drastic as a temple wedding just to please your wife's parents. Get them out of your marriage. There should be two of you in the marriage and only two if you have any chance. They don't care about you. They don't care how you feel or what you believe. They want what they want--a daughter married in the temple any which way they can get it.

Once you have gone to the temple don't think that is the end of their involvement. That is the beginning.

You and your wife need to have a very sincere and honest talk where you say what you have told us. She has to decide if you two can have a happy marriage when she is TBM and you are a non believer. She needs to know that you being true to yourself is the only way you can continue.

You have to find the courage to find out if your wife loves the church more than you. And, if she needs to please her parents more than she needs to please you.

You are in a very difficult situation. But there isn't a magic way out. The way out is not under and not over and not around. You have to go straight through. You have to state your truth, with love, but gut wrenchingly honest.

" We have had so many fights and it is putting a strain on our marriage early. I feel depressed and disconnected from the world, and I am distracted in school. I had no idea this would happen. "

Stop apologizing for the wife. She's so intelligent, follows blindly on some things blah, blah, blah.

Sorry to be so harsh but if you re-read what you posted you are only trying to convince yourself.

Kudos to you for recognizing that you need guidance to get you through what will be some rocky times.

Unfortunately my friend this will get worse before it gets better.

Mormonism is generally all or nothing and yes you did something to make her and her family think you'd convert and go to the temple after the fact.

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT! And never forget that unbeknownst to you her private plan, if you choose to show misgivings about the temple, may be to drive the stake in deeper by removing said IUD.

If you want to keep her as a wife then you need to start setting boundaries and slowly, slowly, carefully taking to her about why you don't believe and that her demands and her family’s demands are harming the marriage.

As it stands now this is what you got;

Wife wears the pants, marriage is not a shared partnership.

You are ruled by the fear of informing others of your unbelief.
Her parents are in the middle of your marriage as is the Bishop.

Wife will dictate what is good or not good based on her belief system or whatever pleases parents and church related things (think real hard about that! What is not church related?)

The church is everywhere in your life, it’s on the bookshelves, its hand is in your checkbook, it’s in your clothes, it’s in your bed, it directs your time, it’s in the food you eat, it decides when you marry, its censors your speech, your reading, what you can watch, it tells you not only what to think but how you should think.

Think “1984” my friend.

The reality here is that your bell has been rung. If you don’t get hers to ring a bit then you will become a slave to everything you don’t believe in. You are seeing just the tip of the iceberg. Your dreams? Only if it lines up with the church. Dreams of real marriage without church and family in bed with your marriage? Today that is a pipe dream.

Need money to pay for your dreams? Sorry you gave all your discretionary funds to pay tithing, fast offerings, gas to haul the scouts to the campout and back, money for Relief society projects and so on and so on.

Let’s not even get started on the time commitment. Just to start you thinking, Sundays for life are gone including while on vacation. What is 52 days times 60 years not including weekday church meetings and activities.

You are at a fork in the road. Hard decisions. But you can do it. Remember this. It will get better after the storm passes. You may need to (for your own sanity) make peace with the fact that you may lose the wife you love. Then when you have had these honest conversations with yourself take action and stand firm. Who knows it may be the kind of man she is looking for and will change her tune.

Remember too that there are lots of fantastic women out there that don’t come with a fantasy and all the crazy religious beliefs and will love you for you and will not try to change you if you choose to move on and think about remarrying in the future.

I know. 40 years in the church. Five kids. She divorced me due to my unbelief. The church and family and friends all pushing me out the door and into the trash. That’s how it felt.

But holy crap is life better now.

Hope I haven’t scared the bejeepers out of ya. Just trying to be realistic. If you want to survive this you need to be nothing but realistic from here on out.

Good luck.

P.S When I got divorced and remarried all the church stuff went to Zero. When looking out the window while you're thinking these things over think real hard about that.

Zero issues with the non-mormon spouse. Nada, nothing, zip. Just her and me and all else can take a flying leap. That's what a marriage should be.

Also I reccomend a nonmormon marriage counselor asap.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2016 08:12PM by AmIDarkNow?.

Wow. The voice of experience is in the room. That was a beautifully stated lay of the land.

I would advise you to read Co-Dependant No More. It taught me the importance of stating my truth clearly and then standing by it. Changed my life.

You have a couple of things in your favor. First, your stated intention to delay children. If you think it's bad now, it would be a hundred times worse with kids. Second, that you married out of the temple. You made your promises to each other instead of to the church.

What now? IMO you must find out whether she loves you more than the church. If the church comes first, that's something you need to know right away so you can factor it into your decision making process.

Do not allow her to separate you from your family. They are your most reliable means of support; trying to isolate you is manipulative and abusive, and should be a bright red line. Resist it with (to hijack a Mormon phrase) every fiber of your being. Visit your family once or twice a month whether she likes it or not. Skype weekly. And don't agree to see only her family during the holidays; trade off. Period.

You also have to find a way to stand up to her family. Every time you fold will only encourage more demands from them. It will never end. And each cave will increase resentment of your in-laws while eating away at your self-respect until, in time, all that's left of you is a withered husk of what was once a man, forever seething yet unable to act on it. (I feel safe in presuming you desire to avoid that particular fate.) You can start by saying NO to the temple marriage; if you can't do that, it will only get more difficult.

Have a "feelings" talk with your wife. "I feel like you're trying to force me to [return to church, fit into the one size fits all Mormon mold, etc]." Turn her own doctrine back on her. You both know the plan of salvation story. Remind her that it was Lucifer's idea to force everyone back to god. Now she and her family are using Satan's playbook. It won't go over well – Mormons hate to be called out on their hypocrisy – but it is something she needs to hear.

Bring up the old hymn –
"Know this, that ev'ry soul is free
To choose his life and what he'll be;
For this eternal truth is giv'n:
That God will force no man to heav'n."

They're trying to do what god won't do. Are they better or smarter than god?

Your wife may be less willing to compromise if she thinks she holds all the good cards. In the event she turns out to be as rigid as Lehi's iron rod, it's going to be on you to decide if living a lie for the next 50 years is worth it. Best of luck.

Going to need a heart-to-heart talk and set the record straight. Postpone having kids, for sure, until you figure this out.
This marriage will work or it won't.

If she demands she have a temple-worthy husband, and you are not one, that is the end unless she is willing to live her own life rather than her parents expectation.

If you can't compromise and love each other: "as-is" then end the marriage and get on with your lives.

I would suggest that you just show her what you have written here. Get it all out in the open.

I worked nights for 7 years. I think that her insisting that you go to 3 hours of church in the morning after working a night shift is pure torture. Even if you were TBM, I would suggest that for your own health, that you do not continue with this abusive practice.

Marriages fail for lots of reasons. This one has lots of in-law interference. It also seems to be predicated on a condition (you marrying in the temple in one year). Lots stacked against it.

Best of luck

"We weren't married in the temple because of my "unbelief." Now the plan is for us to be sealed in the temple in a year set by Her parents and her and with my reluctant yes."

"Maybe I somehow gave her false hope that one day I would be a TBM with the rest of them."

That sounds like your wife and her family expected you to come around and gain a testimony and get sealed in the temple. That's their expectation and hope, and they're probably not going to change anytime soon. From what you've written, if you love your wife and you want to stay with her, you'll have to suppress your unbelief and pretend to be a believer. That's what it comes down to. If you're not willing to do that, then you need to think seriously about the prospect of spending the rest of your life in religious conflict with your wife and her family.

Regardless of how much you love your wife---and I'm sure you do---the sad fact is, that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. That's even true for a lot of believing, temple-sealed Mormon couples. The point being, love isn't always enough to save a marriage. You have to have enough values in common and the willingness to stay together despite your deeply-held differences. Only you and your wife can decide that.

If you want to try a desperation move that might change her, try something like this: Tell her how much you love her and want to stay with her. Tell her that tens of thousands of Mormons are ceasing activity in the church and/or resigning. Tell her that there are important, valid reasons why people are doing that. Tell her that one day, she may come to feel the same way that those people do. So if she and you divorce, she may have given up a good husband over religious differences that are no longer in play at some future point.

Pick one absolute place to make a stand and make that your relationship, love and respect for your family. Remind her that someone who is controlling (including abusers) begins by trying to separate their victim/controlee from their family. This is absolutely fact!

Having it pointed out may shock her into examining what she is doing and the path she is undoubtedly being encouraged to follow by the lds church.

Don't think this is all going to go away without confronting it. I wish you well.

I might have some reasonable advice, having been married now for 23 years...

Let me start with a context having nothing to do with the mormon church: lots of people go into a marriage knowing of "faults" (things they don't like) in their mates, but assuming they can change them after they get married. That almost always fails miserably -- yet people continue to marry knowing there is something they REALLY don't like about their spouse-to-be, and thinking they'll change after marriage. It's not rational, but it's what happens.

Your wife seems to be in that position; she knew your feelings and your lack of belief, but somehow convinced herself that she could change you and get you to come around after marriage. My advice is that you should be VERY CLEAR to her (despite your lukewarm, conflicting-avoiding "yes" about getting sealed in the temple) that this isn't going to change. That she knew you didn't believe when you got married, and you don't believe now.

Then you need to have a frank, honest discussion about why this is so important to her. I suspect a great deal of importance in her mind comes from parental/peer approval. She might not even care that much herself, and she might just love you as you are, but might think her parents will never approve of her (and you) unless you go through with this. Find out if that's the case, and then see if you can gently persuade her to grow a backbone, and stand up to her parents and church peers. If she can just tell them she's happy with you and her marriage, without the temple stuff, a lot of the pressure from them will subside (but certainly not all of it!). Then you two can get on with your lives.

Before I married my wonderful wife (a lukewarm Catholic who knew I was an atheist before marrying), we had several frank discussions about religion. I let her know how much I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, but that I had zero intention of ever joining her church; I made sure she was clear on that, that I wasn't going to change, and got her to seriously think about whether or not that would be OK with her. It's not too late for you to have that discussion NOW, even though you're already married. But you have to be willing to ruffle some feathers (hers and her parents), and in no uncertain terms be completely honest. And then deal with the consequences. Not saying it'll be easy (it won't be), but at some point this needs to happen.

As an aside, a *devout* catholic family who we're friends with (my wife's best friend) has a 24 year old daughter who's seriously dating a terrific kid, but her mother very much disapproves of the relationship -- because the boyfriend isn't Catholic. My wife, learning from her own experience, laughs at the situation, and is trying to convince her friend to lighten up about her daughter and boyfriend -- using our situation as an example. Not sure if it's going to work! But this isn't exclusively a mormon thing...
Best.

You're getting a lot of good advice here... I'll throw in my two cents coming from the other side... See, I was the TBM when my wife went inactive.

First off, let me address your statement on "You should have known better"... If anyone tells you that, they are wrong to do so. No one has lived your life, we've all done things that we wish we could change. You love your wife, it was your love for her that drove you to marriage, it's your love for her that keeps you married. It's also why this is so very, very difficult.

When I married my wife, I knew she was a convert. She was devoted and a good wife, but not a "Molly Mormon" she thought for herself and asked questions that were relevant and intelligent. I have always loved that about her, still love that about her. Over time, for reasons I won't go into here, she started having panic attacks the moment we would drive into the church parking lot. These were horrible to witness. She was in actual physical pain. Getting her into the building was simply untenable. She stopped attending and I supported her in this because no one should have to live with that type of torture. She tried again off and on, but over time, it became clear that 1. it wasn't healthy for her, physically or mentally, and 2. she simply didn't believe in the church, or organized religion really. She believed similar to the church's teachings, but didn't need "the church" and questioned several of the church's teachings.

This caused a few arguments here and there, mostly over doctrine. But the one thing that kept us together was that our love, respect, and caring for each other was more important than the church. This was actually a shock for me as I was TBM through and through, but I loved her and wanted to keep our marriage more than the church.

For a couple of years I remained a full church going TBM. I was very much as you describe your wife, I read my scriptures, knew a lot of church history, understood "deeper" doctrine, had arguments for polygamy and could handle most "anti" (i.e. truth) stuff thrown at me. After a while though, the cracks started forming. They started forming around people commenting on my marriage. I would get sad, knowing looks which said, "It's a shame his wife is inactive". People actually told me I should divorce her and marry someone "worthy". I loved my wife, how could that be a bad thing. Over time I fell away too. (Year's latter, I was an inactive TBM for a long time, I was finally able to look at the church objectively. I'm now an atheist with no intention of going back to any religion, let alone the LDS church)

I tell you this so you can understand your wife's side. She's under a lot of pressure to get you to come back or if that's not possible to leave you. It may not be what you want to hear, and maybe she isn't but it is very likely.

So, I do have some suggestions for you. None of this is easy, nor is it a silver bullet. It can work, but it doesn't always.

1. You must have mutual respect for this to work. You MUST respect her beliefs just like you expect her to respect yours. That you love her is evident, you must also respect her and visa versa. Without mutual respect, you might as well hire a divorce attorney.

2. Establish boundaries. Every good relationship has healthy boundaries. Determine now what you are comfortable supporting and what you are not comfortable with. Are you comfortable with tithing? How much? Are you comfortable with your kids being baptized and raised in the church? With them going on missions? Are you comfortable with attending every week? Home teachers? Temple? How much of her time away from you are you willing to give to the church (this was a major sticking point in my marriage, I was always at the church, not home very often, so I didn't get to see my wife until I asked to be released from my callings for that very reason)

2. Building on the last point, don't argue about the church. Simply refuse to do so. Respect her right to believe as she wishes and stress that you would like the same. Pull out the Articles of Faith if you have to. Arguing about the church will only put a wedge between you. Say, "I respect that you believe that way, I have different thoughts on the matter, and that's OK." then change the subject. Doctrinal arguments will not help anything.

I agree with Richard by the way, Belief isn't a "choice" it's something a person has, it can be changed over time due to a number of factors but one can not simply decide to believe the sky will be green tomorrow. One can say they believe that, but in their heart they know they don't. Nor can one change their religious beliefs by choice... To say so is a disingenuous oversimplification.

3. Do not lose contact with your support group. Your family, friends, etc are important to you and necessary to keep you from feeling "trapped". Losing your support can make you resent your wife. It can be very lonely dealing with what you are dealing with.

4. Sit your wife down and talk to her about this in a frank, open discussion about how you feel, what you are comfortable with and where you see things going. Stress your love for her. Do NOT make ultimatums (those are lines that are going to be crossed just to see how far things can go). Keep things to how YOU feel. Stress that you understand how important the church is to her and that you respect that and hopes she can respect how you fee. Again, stress your love for her and your desire to make things work.

5. Keep posting here. You are going to need to vent from time to time. Here is a very good place for that (I do suggest stating in your post when you are venting that that's what you're doing to help people give you proper responses) Maybe get a good, non-moron therapist/counselor to talk to for help and support (your job and schooling sounds stressful enough!)

I don't want to give you false hope. It is very difficult to go through what you're dealing with. It's very hard look at your relationship objectively. A lot depends on her and where her boundaries and limits are. Keep in mind that you can't force her to change those. Don't even try, that's where the respect comes in. You can suggest compromises, but you can't make her accept them, unfortunately. Hopefully the two of you can compromise withing your limits to make things work.

Thank you FinallyFree. Your post was just what I needed. You don't know what it meant to me to read.

Glad to help! This board provided a lot of helpful support and advice. I was very glad to find it. (thanks, again, to RPackham who referred me here when I found his website when I researched my way out of the church)

I really do hope things can work out for you and your wife, no matter what happens... Unfortunately, you've got a long road, just keep in mind that you're not alone, that's what this board is all about.

Keep us posted!

No offence, but your marriage will probably end in divorce.

You're married to a cult addict, and the big question is will that addiction ever end.

You would have to put up massive boundaries, all the time. And that would wear you both out.

My problem is that I don't respect Mormons. They incessantly want to cultify me. The whole cult are a bunch of lieing racist bastards that won't open their minds to logic, and normal Christianity. They are judgemental Scribe and Pharisee types that fool you with their smiles, handshakes, and white shirts.

Your wife and her family will be like the Eveready Mormon bunnies, they will keep at you and at you and at you. And even if you become tbm, they are so judgemental, they will look down on you for not being on the short list for being the next bishop.

This should be your first Gospel truth....

Hey guys, thank you so much for your support and voice of reason. It has been very calming in a time of need. Sense I am stressed this has been a great outlet.

6 iron I am going to vent at you a bit just because I am tired of being nice all the time. I am going to go ahead an assume you are a spiteful dick or a troll. Or both. I am looking for advice. I am very well aware of what my marriage could end up as. None of what you said was helpful and was pretty much a waste of time.

To everyone else though thank you for your comments, advice and support. It means a lot to me. I am gathering an idea of what to do and how to do it from all of your advice, and experiences. This has been what I have needed so thank you. Please keep the good advice coming, it is greatly appreciated!

You're right, I am a spiteful dick. I was married for 20 years to a turbo nazi tbm and getting divorced from her was such a relief.

But the real harm is that I have 6 kids trapped in that fucking cult, and nothing, nothing is worse than damage the cult does to your relationship with your own kids.

Your tbm wife will always look down on you, if you have tbm kids, they will look down on you.

6 iron,

I am sorry for what you went through. I can understand why you would comment they way you did. I apologize for calling you a spiteful dick. I was being one myself. I sincerely appreciate the sincerity and honesty. It is needed at this time. I am sorry for what you went through. My hopes is to get my wife out with me. I hope to pull that feat off but if not, I will not bring any kids into the mix. I wish you all the best man.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2016 01:30AM by Suid_AfrikaRM7.

Suid_AfrikaRM7, I've been around here maybe nine years now, and I think very highly of 6 iron. He is a good soul, and has suffered greatly from having raised his family in the Mormon church. You may disagree with what he has to say, but he's walked the walk. Consider that what he has to say could easily be you several decades from now. His is the voice of experience giving you a valid warning about what may be in your own future.

Read all of the responses (which will vary) and draw from them what you feel will best work for you. But please know that each one of us has taken some time out of our day to respond to you because we are concerned for you and want to help.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2016 06:29PM by summer.

Summer,

Thank you. I replied to 6 iron. I appreciate your comments as well. I have been on edge. Thank you for the correction.

In order for you to live a happy life, you will need to hold your ground regarding Mormonism. Your wife knew exactly what she was getting when she married you. She was getting an unbeliever. Quit attending church with her and tell her you will not be going to the temple. Keep up a good relationship with your family. Give them half of the time that you devote to each other's parents. Don't let your wife put distance between the two of you.

Tell her that she has some deciding to do. She married an unbeliever and that is what she got. If she wants a TBM, she will need to get divorced and go find that TBM. Tell her to take some time to think about it and decide what she wants. If you want to find out if she's really yours, set her free.

You say that you love her, and I believe you. But I am going to tell you based on experience that sometimes all the love in the world is *not enough.* It can't be all on you. She has to want you as well. And right now, she wants the church a whole lot more than she wants you.

It doesn't make sense that belief is a choice. Deciding to stop yourself from questioning, that is a choice. But not belief itself. And of course you can choose to pretend to believe.

Imagine that someone pointed a blowtorch at you and said, "You must believe that there is a unicorn on the roof of your house right now or I will kill you horribly." And suppose he had the technology to verify by your brain synapses or whatever whether you had attained this belief or not. Do you think that even given his threat and the impossibility of faking it, that you could believe in the unicorn? You might wish you could believe and even that it was true but you could not will yourself to believe.

Many religionists only "believe" in that they have learned to walk themselves away from doubts that arise (thought stopping). They call that belief, but that is not the actual definition of the word; they are misapplying it. That seems to be the source of the confusion on this question.

Update:

So I talked to my wife. It went about as well as you could have expected. In it there was an agreement. She was very defensive and closed doors on every subject. We did come to an agreement though which at least shows we are not at a stand still. I am going to go "discuss" with an institute teacher who currently is getting a doctorate degree in American History religion, and she is going to read History of the Church by Joseph Smith (all of the volumes; and it's not the faith promoting "Comprehensive History of the Church"). I have already met with the institute teacher once and it was good. He was very intelligent and open with his answers which was refreshing. That being said his answers still left much to be desired and more or less seemed like excuses for belief rather than reasons. There is the update. I am open to any and all advice, in fact I am in desperate need of advice and/or encouragement. Thank you everyone, I sincerely appreciate it!

Yes "excuses for belief" rather than reasons. And excuses why
clear and obvious "smoking guns" should be ignored.

A "testimony" in Mormonism is a decision that the Mormon makes
to BELIEVE MATTER WHAT. It's not only a choice, but it's a
choice to not make future choices. Staunch TBMs have made that
decision and can calmly say, "I know all about that and it
doesn't hurt my testimony at all," to anything. That's why what
would be clear, convincing, and overwhelming evidence to anyone
else is nothing to a TBM. They've already made a decision not
to review their previous decision NO MATTER WHAT.

My advice, for what it's worth, is that you can agree to
attend Church for your wife's sake, but make sure she knows
you are doing it for her and not that you hope to believe some
day. If any Bishop wants to interview you about going through
the temple, just be honest in the interview and tell him that
you are only attending to be supportive of your wife and you
disbelieve Mormonism.

Respect her beliefs, and even go out of your way to accomodate
them, but don't feel ashamed of your beliefs in the process.
Be true to yourself and love your wife. What more could
anyone ask?

Suid, I feel for you - and your wife. I sincerely hope you two can reach a détente over this issue, and go on to live happily ever after!

What you've recently decided seems to me an effort by each of you to prove the other person wrong. You're hoping that your wife will "come around" once she's read up on the subject. She's hoping you'll be influenced to join the church by meeting with a devout member. That's fair enough, but it might not bring peace to your marriage. What if neither one of you changes your views?

I come to this from the perspective of a child of a happy mixed-faith marriage. My mother was a devout Catholic and my Dad was Church of Christ.

Before marrying, they agreed to respect each other's choice of religion. They also agreed that children would attend church (usually with my mother) but wouldn't join any church until age 18. The most important thing they decided was to put their marriage and love for each other first. No one was allowed to come between them, or to pressure either one of them to convert.

There were hard feelings between the two families when they married. Over time, that dissipated. Each family learned to respect and love the "intruder" in their midst. Nevertheless, my parents were prepared to go it alone, if their families wouldn't respect the spouse they had chosen.

They had a wonderful life together, and they always said their love grew with each year. Were they disappointed that they didn't share religious belief? I don't think so. They just seemed thrilled to have found each other.

So here's some advice (channeled from my parents): put your marriage first and be loyal to your spouse; respect your differences; be each other's greatest fan and supporter.

If you can do that, everything will work out. If either of you believes there's only one right way to live, and both of you have to live it 100%, then I don't see a way forward.

So it seems that you are trying to get your wife out. It might work, or it might cause her to dig her heels in deeper.

Some of the most common resources mentioned on this board are Mormon Think and what is known as the CES letter. Mormon Think presents both sides (questioning and faithful) for church history and is a fairly gentle introduction to some of the problems with the church.

http://www.mormonthink.com/

http://cesletter.com/

If polygamy is her trigger, then the book, "In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith" might help:

http://www.amazon.com/In-Sacred-Loneliness-Plural-Joseph/dp/156085085X

I personally don't know how any woman could read "Wife No. 19" by Ann Eliza Young (one of Brigham Young's plural wives) without being sickened. It is available to read online:

https://archive.org/details/wifenoorstoryofl00youniala

The usual advice on this board is to go slowly with your wife. Don't rush your efforts to break her shelf.

Decide that your marriage is more important to you than your job or where you live. Then tell her you want to move. Let her know that it needs to be far away enough that your and her life together will be managed jointly between you and her, and not to include decisions or pressure by her parents or family. If she won't move for that reason, ask yourself what you've really got. If she is not your partner to the exclusion of her parents and family, it's time to consider divorce.