for how he raised me. He didn't. He was either at work, church shit, or watching his God TV.

I felt nothing. I thought "ok, fuck off now".

I also know that he thinks the "church" is what is between us because a social worker involved with another issue in our family let that one slip when I was talking about the CULT to her.

He's old. He will die soon. There will be no real resolution between us and no true understanding. He doesn't know I'm gay and he still believes all the total garbage spewed by the CULT 50 years ago because he's not computer literate and Mormons outside the US are pretty much out of the loop as far as church news goes.

I'm an atheist. I believe life just ends at death. I believe my dad will not exist very soon, and I'm fine with that. He is so utterly brainwashed by the CULT that there is no hope for him. At least when he dies that's one less Mormon. I hate this CULT.

He's sorry? Was he abusive? I understand not being there for you because my TBM Dad was always busy with work, being a Bishop, being a St. President, being a Patriarch for his church.

But now he's old......he is retired from all church positions.
And he is a caring, loving man.........near the end of his life.
He's not ill. He's not afraid to die....he's a true believer.

I am an atheist.....he thinks I'm an inactive Mormon.

We do have a relationship but............the church, politics & sex are not subjects we discuss.....

He has accepted me.....as much as he can but hopes I'll return to the only true church.

He's equally good to us non actives.....except I think he enjoys the actives much more. Of course, they go to church with him & talk the talk.

I'm grateful to have my Dad in my life.....I think my Mother set up this family dynamic.....love one another. But she's been gone for years....

It's painful sometimes...
I wish you peace.
I wish you a life full of joy.
Us exmos are so "blessed" to be out of the cult.

KJ

I get why you feel the way you feel. Many of my experiences were close to that. My father was always gone--bishop from the time I was 8 to 19. I only saw him at family home evening and in passing here and there evenings and Saturdays while we were all building the new chapel. I actually felt I hated him most of my childhood. I realized later he was a really good man with a big heart who was probably more robbed than anyone by that church.

My father went out of his way in the end to get to know and understand who I was, and what I was about, and in his Mormon way did appreciate me. It means a lot. I am glad it ended that way even though it was never ideal.

So the whole relationship is in your hands now. Your father was crippled by that church. Do you have any desire to just delve a little deeper, actually tell your father you are gay and let him know who you really are? Let him have one last chance to come to terms with what it has all been about?

Which ever way it goes--ugly, beautiful, or somewhere frustratingly in-between, it could give closure and also give you one more layer and a good story.

There's no point at this stage. He's so completely brainwashed.

You've earned it.

Remember, you're not alone. Few people on earth have good wholesome, supportive parents and a cohesive family life. That's the ideal we all wish was our reality but it doesn't routinely happen.

Sometimes when it's too late parents say they wish they'd done better. I don't think that little statement helps anyone much.

At least you have a choice to be happy! :)

He thinks he does (have a choice), and is (though he can't comprehend the possibility of true happiness from within tscc's grasp).

You know what happiness tastes or feels like and he can't even see it. That's a common feeling with once Mormon with always Mormon. Asleep!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2016 03:05PM by moremany.

>>My dad just told me he's sorry for how he raised me.

I would be blunt with him. "You didn't raise me because you were never there. Your so-called family church took all of your free time away from your flesh-and-blood family members who were right in front of you. That's a choice that you made and you will have to live with it. Oh, and by the way, I'm gay. I've known ever since I was a child. Your church is hugely intolerant of gays, so again, it's easy to see what you support, and it has never been me, your own son. Good luck to you as you transition to whatever comes next. You will need it."

You don't want to discover 30 years from now that you really should have made more of effort to get some closure with your Dad.

If you think about it he was probably just as much of a victim as you feel you are.

My advice from losing my father 15 years ago, would be to make more of an effort. I had just the opposite problem. My dad was gay and could never bring himself to explain things to his sisters and my mother's family or to my brothers and sisters.

Was your dad raised in the church? If so, he suffered too...

If he was physically or sexually abusive, then I hope he rots in hell.

Wow!

Same "dad."
Same blithering.
Eliciting same response.

Death is Gaea's way of cleansing herself.

Be kind. Whatever you say will be permanent. He knows he did a bad job. Don't rub it in.

Yeah, so now he knows he's getting ready to die, and there's really no way for him to put action behind the words, "I'm sorry." I call it a meaningless payment on the afterlife policy.

Even worse, his apololgy is evidence that he was aware of his ill-treatment of you, at some point, and didn't act to make it better, make amends. It's more utter selfishness that he now wants spiritual cleansing from you.

More Mormon bs.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you're not stuck with the end-of-life caregiving like I was. I had about six months of contrition from my dad that meant nothing, because my mom and I were the only ones who would make sure his ass was clean. I was glad he wasn't being mean, but felt nothing other than that. I had been allowed to feel nothing around him for nearly forty years; only his feelings were of import. I couldn't suddenly grow a new give a shit muscle, just to bury him.

Do whatever you have to, to take care of your sanity, your feelings, your life, yourself. Your feelings of being removed from him are hard-won, and you deserve to keep that protection now. Especially now.

I just dread having to set foot in a Mormon chapel again. It will be only once. Whoever dies second won't be getting a shitty Mormon burial.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2016 09:23AM by ozpoof.

You don't owe him anything.

He owes you.


But you do owe yourself future peace of mind. So, if you are unsure about your stance, err on the side of caution. There are no second chances when he's gone.

Human

did you tell him that he didn't raise you?

No. I looked at the muted TV and grunted. I don't care what he says anymore. A lot of that feeling came when I realized he swallowed the Mormon lie and forced it on me (with mum) but when it was my turn to explain what I believed and what I had found he didn't want to know. Everything he says is also polluted with Mormon garbage, which makes it even more meaningless.

I get why you're angry.

But he's reaching out to you. And from what you're saying, he's not going to be around much longer.

There will come a time when you're not angry. You may have the rest of your life to regret that you didn't give an old man some peace, simply by accepting his apology.

It's your decision. Yours to live with either way.

Popular these days to conclude dads are bad. My mom often told me how bad my dad was. He wasn't romantic enough, didn't take her on dates, etc. Didn't play catch with me.

And my kids told me how bad of a dad I was.

And my wife reminds me how I didn't change enough diapers or help with the kids. Don't get much credit for going to work or taking the kids camping or imposing discipline, or making them do chores or whatever.

Might be just as well that dads aren't around.

My hope for you is that you will find some peace and accept, on what ever level is possible, your father's apology and you can let go of the negative impact of hate.

I learned long ago that there are no fantasy parents.
We get what we get. My parents and grand parents and step fathers did the best they knew how, which was sadly lacking in retrospect. But that was what they knew. When we know better, we do better.

I've learned, over the years, that for my own peace of mind, there is a way to be grateful for what I had and what I didn't have.
I did not now who my bio father was. Didn't see a photo of him until I was in my 50's. (Told me who I looked like at about 20 however.)
From what I have learned, I am grateful I did not have him in my life. That was all very long ago.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2016 02:44AM by SusieQ#1.