BAM! POW! KafsckingBOOM! I finally had another nervous breakdown. It wasn't the cause, just the last straw. This time during a meeting at work last week. Felt like my supervisor was berating me, putting down my input and being a micromanaging asshole. Just got up and left with a "godfsckingdamnit" on the way out. Panic attack. Laid in car for like 6 hours with my coat over my head. Double vision. Headache that I still have... Couldn't drive. Wife brought me home. Stopped eating and drinking for a few days...hard to remember. Tried to work the next day but was just wrapped up in so much internal anger and rage and pressure and anxiety and hopelessness and shame. Why would my company want me if I can't handle anything. I left midday after realizing that I couldn't do squat and haven't been back. Wife got me in to my Dr. & LCSW & will see a psychiatrist in about an hour... I'm still in the middle of acute breakdown mode -- intense waves of sadness, feeling that I need to cry about every 4 hours(I refuse...hold it back...be a man goddamnit). My mind went to a dark place. Sleep paralysis preceded all this -- 70 times in one night the previous week. OCD -- music playing in my mind from the moment I'm awake to the moment I'm not. Not sleeping properly is always an indication that I'm falling down.

The source? I still think it's because I went through the Mormon Mind-Sausage Missionary Experience and fell apart there. Came home early. Was use-less as a human for like a year (can't really remember...dark memories). Alienated. I still feel it everyday -- intense shame and guilt because my god fskcnig dnam mind is broken and couldn't do what "God" wanted me to do. I have to carry around failure every second of every day and constantly have to hide it from everybody and losing all my friends because you're only supposed to surround yourself with people who uplift you and make you better, not people who need help. Fsck them(that means me)! I'm not worth the bother. And losing the framework for how a life is supposed to be with mission-marriage-school-contribute-to-genetic-pool-house-bigger-house-nice-cars-career-smiling-all-the-time-cause-life-is-so-god-damn-good-you-just-can't-help-it is devastating. And all of that collapse marches along to the melody of "Called To Serve Him". You know: dun DUN DUn Dun, dun, Dun-Dun, DUn-Dun, dun... If you get to the end of your rope you're supposed to just hold on. I've been hanging on to that end of the rope and looking up at it for so long but everything just keeps pulling me down.

Ok. I'll go to my visits, take my medications, do what my wife says, take small steps, etc.

for what you are going through. I have been in somewhat of the same position before, but the reasons behind it weren't the same. It sounds like you need time off, but that isn't possible most of the time. I know I've never been able to take time off from my life. I'm lucky that I work at home. It helps A LOT to not have to deal with people everyday and get ready for work everyday. I can be having a meltdown and nobody knows. I can work at my own pace even if I'm scheduled because I get paid by how much I do, not by the hour. So I feel lucky that way. There are so many days I could not face the world and many more in the past.

I am not afraid of death, but can't take my own life, though I've wanted to many times. But I'm not afraid of death. I don't want to live a long life. (My boyfriend's dad just died at 91 and that sounds like a hell of a long time.)

Life is a lot different than I anticipated it being, a lot more difficult.

Do what you need to to keep surviving. It sounds like you have people who need you. I'm assuming kids? That's why I'm still here (or that I'm also just unable to end it all myself). My kids needed me and still do, so I'm still here.

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I hope that your physicians and counselors are able to help you. I think that a lot of young people must become unglued by the Mormon missionary experience and by never-ending church expectations. Try to hang in there, and do give us an update when you are able.

PLEASE stop comparing yourself to others, and RECOGNIZE that anyone who tries to make that kind of comparison is not being loving towards you, and does not have your best interests at heart!

Thank anything or anyone, including yourself, that helped to remove you from the ABUSE that is known as "[LDS] missionary." It is designed to break your spirit, make you compliant with the rules to which they want you to conform. It is much worse than a milirary program. It is isolation, deprivation, exhaustion, lack of intellectual and emotional stimulation, all under constant supervision. No privacy, long hours, little to no free time, all on a schedule that you, as a "volunteer," cannot change. You had no freedom of religion, no freedom of speech, no freedom of association, no freedom of press. You were UNendowed by those bastards from The Bill of Rights.

You came home wounded, probably in emotional trauma and shock, only to be hounded instead of helped.

For someone who cannot buy into the crock of shit that they call a religion, I'm really proud that you survived.

Like you said, your work supervisor most likely was just being a supervisor, but something(s) in that meeting triggered a reaction, and brought the horrible feelings of being on the mission to the fore. Sounds like a flashback to me.

I'm not a doctor, but I have survived triggers. You did the right thing by removing yourself and getting to a safer place to let it pass. I really think you have some emotional trauma going on. Please look into it, and get non-LDS help. You CAN recover, but you have to know more about it to get the right kind of help.

^^^THIS^^^

Please take care of yourself and know that people care about you.

Thanks everyone. Should I tell my family that I'm struggling? I mean my wife knows I'm broken, my stepkids do, some in-laws. Haven't talked to my Mom or brothers. I don't feel like I can tell them anything.

So when I posted yesterday I took a Xanax to calm the panic attack I was having while writing my post. Wife drove me to the psychiatrist. He's not very familiar with Mormonism at all which is weird since, ya know, we're right here in Mormonism's armpit and I would expect him to know something about the community. He has an East Coast accent...must be new to the area. My horrible sleep for months, massive expectations on myself, demands at work, being unable to let go of my past, the increase in anxiety, depression, and feeling so marginalized just led me up to this. During our chat I recalled another recent thing that set me off -- I let another pair of incredibly dumb missionaries into my house the previous week who had zero clue about LDS history and wondered why I don't go to church. I tried to explain everything beginning with "Joseph Smith is my 5th great grandfather through one of his adulterous relationships", the autosomal DNA testing produced a hit"...talked about how there's zero Hebrew DNA in Pre-Columbian America at all...mentioned former bishop Simon Southerton and his book "Losing A Lost Tribe"...mentioned haplogroups...(the kids started looking terrified as if they forgot to attend class all year and were expected to actually know something in their final)...I broke out my quad, showed them Min's erect phallus and asked them why the eff that was even there -- I mean come on, Jealous Jehovah goes around kicking the shit out of everyone who won't worship him, makes specific commandments in Exodus 20 to not make any such depictions and somehow he's ok with depictions of non-Jehovah idols in the LDS scriptures? Are you fscking kidding me!!!! I went on that JS didn't get a single word right in his "translation" of the Book of Abraham...and how the flip do you lose whole civilizations. The poor senior comp asserted that it all happened in South America because there have been calcium deposits found there to which I asserted that calcium deposits mean absolutely nothing and he needs to do his research. They of course bore witness that the church is true. I countered by baring witness that Mormonism is as close to 0% true as is possible -- around the 1x10^-32 percenticle. I may have even said that God's an idiot -- I really meant that the Mormon god is a ridiculous, impotent, powerless, man-made construct in whom I have zero fear or faith -- similar to being unafraid of Radio Shack. They left with that terrified look on their face that they should never have approached my house... That visit just stirred up all these memories of judgement, failure, shame, alienation, betrayal, etc. I briefly mentioned their visit to the psychiatrist -- he asked why I let them in. I said because they don't get let in that often but I wanted to help help see that they're in a cult. By the time my appointment was 3/4 over so was the Xanax and began another panic attack. It's like a stack of hot bricks on my chest. We talked about other things too -- abuse, neglect, mean LDS kids who molest kids(me) and become happy successful millionaires. He said I set the record for longest depression (1980-present is a pretty damn long time). Talked about trust issues... Eventually finished up popped another stupid pill. Wife and I drove off with prescriptions (higher doses, said to be more liberal with the Xanax since I've had it for 2+ months and been worried about possible addiction so I avoid taking it even when I have symptoms), appointments. She stopped by my work on the way home and grabbed FMLA paperwork. She said my boss really is worried, misses me, but says all those time sensitive and highly technical thingies I do are going to get done, just wants me better. I sat in the car, too ashamed to retrieve them myself. And the show must go on after all -- if I died or something they would have to figure it out...and I left a lot of analysis/testing/details specifically for that possibility.

The Ambien he prescribed didn't kick in until after 21:xx. No hallucinations from it which is good. But crap -- I woke up at 02:30. And here I am not in bed, posting to RFM. Swelling emotions again...my thoughts are racing around like a tornado in a junkyard....How the eff am I supposed to get back to work tomorrow morning? I am never going to get well. I have another appointment with the LCSW in like 4 hours. Eff. EEEEFF. Anyone know a good place to just repeatedly beat your head against?

When I’m in that dark place I believe there is no way I’ll ever be not sad again. (But I have been in and out of it several times, now.) If the medicine works, take it. If you need time off, take it. Find something to distract your circling thoughts – TV, walks, exercise - and give yourself time to recover. Personally, I find crying and screaming to be good therapy. Especially screaming when I’m alone in the car.

Sounds like your family loves you and needs you. Let them help you. Our bodies and minds have a remarkable ability to heal!

We change when change is less painful than our current state. Sounds like you are ready to change. You wrote that you are “just wrapped up in so much internal anger and rage and pressure and anxiety and hopelessness and shame.” Remember the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Keep looking for changes that make you feel better. Find a slightly less harsh way to see yourself. Instead of “too ashamed to retrieve them myself” think “I am healing and letting the love of my wife take care of me for just this minute” and “she is helping me heal by getting me to my Dr. & LCSW and psychiatrist.” All your rage and anxiety developed over years. It will take time to shed them, too. Accept, welcome and dwell on small improvements with the same tenacity that you notice problems. Many people recover and you can, too.

BREATHE!!!...ya know that tightness in your chest...BREATHE...take ten bresths...4 seconds in ..4 seconds out...if your still able to lay on the couch and listen to a podcast look up joe rogans podcast with Wim Hoff...an old timer whose done all kinds of scientific research into breathing...improving immune system and depression...his quest began when his wife committed suicide and broke his heart...cold showers...cold water...this guys the real deal...to escape the darkness we must keep our focus on that tiny speck of light that is hope...hope is a good thing my friend...this guy is a great place to start...stay focused on the remedy not the problem...we already know what it is...we need solutions...BREATHE!!...it can have that relaxing lapse in terror we need....if your not sleeping...your gonna have to...somehow...im pulling for ya friend...you can do this

Whew...that is a mighty elephant your trying to eat...small bites will get it done...you dont have to eat it all today...it took thirty years to grow it...it may take that long till the sun shines warm on your face again...its a journey...one step at a time...one minute at a time if you have to

mormonism. I didn't know at the time that I had found an exmormon therapist when I was going through my separation from my gay husband. He never ever let on he was an exmormon and many mormons go to him. Until I asked him about if he was a believing mormon, I didn't even know if he was mormon. All I have to do is go to him when I'm having a trigger and he knows immediately what I'm talking about. You need someone who is familiar with mormonism, preferably an ex-mormon. There are many people on here who have posted names of therapists who work well with this issue. I live in Cache Valley and I'd be glad to give you my therapist's name.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my experiences with mormon leaders and I have triggers. You can learn to recognize triggers and distance yourself from them. For me, I never quite know what just set me off and eventually I'll figure it out, especially if I talk to my therapist, but I recognize them much better now. This change in policy over the children of gays was a HUGE trigger. I had a trigger a few weeks ago and it was a song I hadn't heard in years that reminded me of when I found out my boyfriend was gay. I had to take the day off work.

You can find help. Ask for suggestions for therapists here. It seems that this psychiatrist isn't helping you. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to shop around. As for myself, I don't like Ambien. My son used to sleep walk on it after his wife left him. My son disassociates. He took 18 Ambien one night without even knowing he did it. I used to sleep on his bedroom floor because of my fear of what Ambien did to him. I knwo there are better options out there for sleep. Trazodone worked great for me and many of my family members including my son and brother who have a lot of the same type issues you do. My brother sounds just like you when he is having triggers and he didn't serve a mission, but he had other life experiences that set him up for this and he has been very successful, but he struggles every day. I think he is on something else for sleep now. I'll have to ask him what that is.

Find another therapist. If you need someone to prescribe medications. I can ask a previous poster on RfM who he sees in the Utah Valley area if you are in Utah Valley.

So... still having trouble getting to and staying asleep. Woke up at 02:30 again. Laid there for 3 hours obsessing and worrying. Various emotional surges throughout the morning before noon. One panic attack just from trying to comprehend the FMLA paperwork. Xanax... Breathing(thanks for the reminder). Still worried about how to eat that elephant when I get back. Worried that I'll never get better and have to downsize into a refrigerator box in an alley somewhere. I know, that's catastrophizing. I think I'm focusing on this crash the wrong way. I'm presently not being bullied/abused/neglected as I was in the 70's-90's. It's not 1997 when I came home early in humiliation. It's not 2002 when my testimony crumbled. It's not 2004 when my wife died and I really withdrew into /dev/null. This situation is me being stressed as a step-parent with seemingly no influence, feeling detached from my community and family, being overworked not taking enough vacation, taking on too many other projects, trying to prove my worth at full blast constantly because I feel like an insecure failure otherwise, not getting sleep. I don't know why I feel like I have to relive all those other experiences every single time a new one arises. Whatever. I don't know if that made any sense. I wonder when the ton of drugs I'm on will balance my chemistry. I guess recovery from pain is far wider than just Mormonism.

If you ever need a chat during the (US) nighttime, try coming here to RfM. Many European board members are online when it's nighttime in the US and would be pleased to help.

Best wishes to you,Beeblequix.

Tom in Paris

Oh my. Very difficult time for you. So sorry you're going through this. I have no idea what it's like, I can try to empathize. Do find the help you need to get back on track and find some peace and happiness.
Try to find the authentic-you and stick to who you know you are and let go of the negativity. There is wisdom in letting go of the past. Let it go.
I wish you success in finding the balance you need to get back to feeling healthy and strong again. Sounds like you have some good support.

So....Ambien let me sleep from 23:1x to 03:30. Tried melatonin to no avail. The moment I was awake my internal music loop kicked in. I haven't figured out if it's a self defense or self torture mechanism. It distracts me and wears me out. It would be awesome if these obscure songs were a message sent from the future by myself to know stock picks or powerball numbers...whatever...I laid in bed thinking that since the LDS worldview that I had total faith in is nothing more than big business selling empty promises and I have no place or value among them or really anyone else that the only worth I have is in my job and since I'm unable to do it I'm just a burden, negative equity that needs to be tossed or hidden in some sort of human-organ-backed-security and sold off. I need to find value within me somehow. The counselor within just said it's situational, I've 'ad worse, give the drugs a month to start working. What? A month? That's 4.875e+49 in Plank time. I don't know if I can wait that long. What do you kind folks do to find value in yourself?

Dr. changed ambien to ambien extended releaase since the former only keeps me asleep for a few hours then I'm wide awake. Tonight I took ambien er at 20:30, asleep around 21:00, wide awake at 01:41. That just isn't enough. Music that kicked in was the soundtrack from Empire Strikes Back. Supposed to go back to work in limited steps beginning this morning. I think I'm stuck in fight or flight mode which might work during a zombie apocolypse but not in normal life. Bodies need sleep. Minds need REM particularly and I don't thimk I'm getting any. Took melatonin, valerian and xanax in an attempt to shut me down. Waiting, wondering what it's like to be rested, not irritable, not forgetful, not drag-@ssing through the day. Really worried about taking care of my wife and her kids. Considering liquidating assets. Is 42 too young to take a medical retirement?

Last LCSW appoitment I was going on again about the LDS church being the cause but I think it's just a giant butterfly-effect piece of the jaguar-eating-tapir-puzzle. Will chat with him tomorrow. I'm still not sure I've provided enough info to see what I see. G'nite.

Sorry you are so unhappy, beeblequix.

I've been where you are, sort of. I went to the best psychiatrist (MD who can prescribe medication) in SLC. He is not, nor has he ever been, a Mormon, but he has many Mormon patients. He was careful to not persuade me to leave my religion, but he did understand the abuse I suffered.

I believe that Mormonism kills hope.
I believe that Mormonism is a loveless religion.
I believe that Mormonism can destroy your self-esteem.

Like you, I was the sole support of my children, but I was a woman without a career and, at the time, a proper education. My husband had abandoned me and our children, and I was in a very dark place, thinking we would all end up homeless, poor, and unloved forever. I had and still have IC, which is an incurable, painful disease. I thought I was going to die, but I couldn't die, because of my children. As horrible as my life seemed, all that was temporary, and all of my terrible fears and predictions never happened. Even my health has improved with hospital outpatient treatments, a strict diet, and pain management through yoga breathing, meditation, relaxation techniques and no drugs.
I was anxious as a child, and my mother would always say, "This, too, shall pass. Nighttime was always the worst for me.

I wonder if you have PTSD! Depression does play itself out, eventually, but PTSD can last a lifetime.

You mentioned being molested by someone at church. My older brother abused and tortured me, for my entire childhood. He threatened to molest me, with dirty words and descriptions of sex acts. His beatings stopped when I left home, but his foul language and the groping continued until I was about 40 years old, when I finally broke off all contact with him. My TBM parents didn't believe my stories, or my crying, or that my bruises were from my brother's beatings. They wouldn't admit anything was wrong with my brother, who was also the darling of the ward.

Read about sociopaths. They often get away with their crimes. They always blame everyone else.

Do not blame yourself. Being molested can cause PTSD. So can parental abuse and neglect. So can a mission. So can a cult.

Remember that your predictions of doom in a cardboard box, and all the rest of it, is just your depression talking. It isn't reality. Those things won't really happen.

I went to a psychiatrist because I thought I was depressed. My doctor had tried a few different antidepressants on me, but nothing worked. The psychiatrist diagnosed my problem as PTSD, and that I had to learn to deal with anxiety, not depression at all.

In the meantime, please, do not ingest any caffeine, no matter how sleepy you are in the morning. Caffeine can make you extremely anxious! It causes insomnia. Prozac can cause insomnia and anxiety.

Have you been tested for sleep apnea? You mentioned sleep paralysis. Do you snore? Apnea can make you actually stop breathing, so you wake up in a state of panic, gasping for air! Get a sleep test, or ask your wife if she has noticed anything strange about your sleeping and breathing.

You will get through this! I'm so glad you are getting professional help, and that you have a loving wife at your side, and that your boss is understanding. You DESERVE to be happy!