Back in the day, when missions for girls could not begin until the age of 21, I knew several girls who submitted their papers or even already had their mission calls and before they were to go, they got engaged or were at least proposed to. For all of them, the counsel they got was to forego the mission and get married. That was supposed to be a greater mission to become a wife and mother.

My question is: does anyone know if that was some official policy? Was it in the Bishop's handbook. Was there ever any official published protocol? And moreover, now that girls can go on their missions at 19, has that changed? If so, is it official?

I know a couple where the girl, who is 20, has received her mission call and the boy wants to propose. He has done a lot of dating since his mission and come close to proposing before but didn't. He feels sure this is the girl he wants. He is in his mid 20s with a good job and benefits, although they don't necessarily want to start a family right off. He talked to the girl's bishop and her father and both of them were adamant that she should serve her mission. That is what prompted the question of whether there was ever or is now any guidance on that situation.

Also, does anyone have any good advice. Only serious replies, please. They are active in the church and don't need negative remarks about it. It seems like the chances of the boy not dating for a year and a half is unrealistic. If the girl goes on her mission, how effective would she be worrying about whether he will Dear Jane her. If she decides she should have married, would coming home be worse than not going in the first place? I do believe that if she decides to go, she should not go engaged, but that's just my opinion. Are there other issues I'm missing? I was asked what I knew about it by someone who is trying to give good advice to them.

I'm a nevermo, but one of my roommates was separated from her then boyfriend for two years due to work/school issues. They made it, but barely. And it wasn't the case of a Mormon mission where regular phone calls are forbidden.

Nevermo here. She should follow her heart.

If she loves him, she should just go together and, if they feel it, get engaged and, in a year or two possibly marry.

If she doesn't love him, she could go on her mission without any ties. And he lives his life without any ties.

Later, if it is right, they may get back together.

She should think about their lives, not the mission.

My brother was in a similar situation, and it didn't work out well for him. He served a mission, came home, met a girl, fell in love and was ready to propose. She reached age 21 and really wanted to serve a mission, so he said he would wait for her to return. The bishop okayed the mission and she went off to somewhere in Europe. My brother waited faithfully for her (working on his master's degree to pass the time) She came back, informed him that the entire time she was on her mission she was writing to another guy and decided to marry him instead. She didn't have the courtesy to even "Dear John" him but led him on for 18 months. He was heartbroken and didn't find love for five more years (he didn't marry until age 30--a menace to society, apparently)

I don't know what the "official" policy is, but this occurred in the late 2000s, so it was apparently okay then to expect a girl to go on a mission and have the guy wait for her.

Wow, that has to make it high on the list of top things you can do that are cruel to another human being...
Maybe he was lucky he didn't marry her if she was so heartless...

Anon long-time poster Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> He talked to the girl's bishop
> and her father and both of them were adamant that
> she should serve her mission.

Sounds like maybe they don't like the guy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/13/2016 06:52PM by nomonomo.

"He talked to the girl's bishop and her father and both of them were adamant that she should serve her mission."

Did he talk to the girl? Does she want to go on a mission or not? It seems like what she thinks is the only opinion that should matter.

This. It's her decision.

That said, there was a girl in my ballroom dance class at BYU who was waiting for her missionary, and then he was going to wait while she went on hers. I don't know how that turned out, BTW.

People should just do what seems right to them.

Why is this the Dad or Bishop's decision? Women don't have a responsibility like guys and maybe not official policy, but I would think marriage would be encouraged. If she loves him why would she consider going and if he truly loves her, he should wait if SHE really wants to go. But, maybe I am idealistic.

I'm someone who actually got engaged to a guy and then he went on a mission. We were good friends for a couple years, than dated, then were engaged for 6 months before he left. Everyone gave us crap. I stayed engaged and we got married 5 weeks after he got back. I finished college while he was gone. We have been happily married for 18 years. We became very close through letters (3-4 a week) and some phone calls when companion was in the shower. I think I helped him actually keep his sanity.

That said I would NEVER wish that experience on anyone! Especially being young and in love we were both devastated and it was torture. We were both functional though and were able to work hard and it didn't keep us for doing a good job at college/mission. But, it was still awful!

I have heard from close family members that even with the new lower age for young women to serve, many of them feel pressure to submit papers but hope that they will get seriously involved with someone and won't really have to go.

Another close family member did submit papers and got her call. 6 weeks before leaving, she cancelled out. No close boyfriend in the picture but she was sure hoping one would materialize.

There's one positive the girl could look forward to: a fun mission. I had a great mission. I was pretty immature (still am!) and those two years helped smooth me out. Of course, all I really learned was to plan ahead (to get out of tracting 'n stuff) and it was useful experience.

But if she has a strong testimony, a mission will not help it, at all. Because mormon missions aren't about finding worthy people, getting to know them and seeing if the gospel will be useful in their lives, and then tailoring a method for letting them learn the gospel.

Nope, mormon missionary practices make the 'investigator' jump to the tune being played by the MP and L's.

I hope she goes!

My wife and I met at BYU after I had already served a mission. She wanted to serve and was being strongly encouraged to serve by a busy-body student ward RS president who was an RM herself.

I told my wife-to-be that she could go on a mission if she wanted, but that I couldn't guarantee that I'd be around when she got back. We weren't engaged or anything at the time, but we were dating exclusively.

I caught a little crap from the RS president, and my wife was disappointed with my response, but ultimately, she chose not to go. A few months later, we were engaged.

Now that we are both out of the church, my wife is so grateful for my part in helping her decide not to go on a mission.

Sounds honest and fair. That's what the guy in the OP should say to her.

Who cares what the handbook or the bishop or the dad says. Err on the side of love. please relay my cautionary tale to them. I'd love to think l helped prevent someone from making the same mistake I did.

I dated my best friend and girl of my dreams most of high school. I was madly in love with her. But serving a mission was never a question. I had a bad feeling about leaving her but knew if I worked hard on my mission God would make her mine.

I still had fantasies about talking her into running away and eloping with me and saying screw the mission. But they were just that. Fantasies. She promised to wait. I worked my ass off to ensure my reward. I'm sure you know what's coming. Dear John.

Eighteen months into the mission with no warning. Even though she had been dating him a year. I was a mess the rest of my mission. I was mad. I hated God, the church, the mission. But I finished.

I came home, married a physically beautiful woman. A knock out. Because I wanted T.L. (True Love) to know I could do better than her. Even though I knew I couldn't and knew I didn't have the same feelings for DW as I had for TL. But I thought I would never feel that way about anyone again so I might as well go for looks. We had nothing in common but the church.

Twenty something years later TL had 2 children, divorced and married a non member and had another child. From what I hear, she is still a member but less active and very happy. I have 4 children and plan to resign my membership in the near future. I no longer attend church or wear garments. I love my wife even though I've never been IN love with her. She is a good LDS mom but we disagree on how ingrained in the morg we want the kids to be. I have a son in high school. Don't want him to feel forced to go on a mission. I don't know how our marriage can survive long term and I worry for the kids.

I don't pine for TL..I wish her well. But I still wish I had run away with her before the mission. I believe we would have done well and that she would have left the church with me. But then, would I have wanted to leave the church if that experience hadn't set me on a course of apathy about my life for way too long? If I hadn't been so crushed would I have taken the time to find someone who I did have things in common with? Someone who I had a connection with? I might have found another TL.

I just felt like telling that story because I have never shared it in the forum. The moral is that the odds of the young man waiting for the girl to get home are slim. Is she prepared to give him up for a mission? Is she prepared to finish a mission if he finds someone else while she is gone? If she is she should go. If it is true love (not that either one can't find true love again, because they can) but I say get married. Start their life together. Spend some years enjoying each other before adding kids. That might mean standing up to people who think differently. But in the end it is THEIR LIFE.

plz post pics of 20 year old girl so RfM can properly evaluate

thx

How ever did they get themselves into such a terrible conundrum!?

What kind of corporation would put them there in the first place!?





Hmmmmm . . . might it be wisdom to ditch such a corporation?




(And this is a most "serious reply" mind you)

I have no advice...my preconceived notions lay in smoking ruins around me...late teens early adult seems just like the running of the bulls...most escape and go on to run another day...the few that get run over or gored will never run the same again...and old dog...your not immature...your young at heart...there i said it and im not taking it back...so much of our running of the bulls just needs to be loud laughed at...much is as crazy as angels and flaming swords but look who took that seriously...another smoking pile of preconceived notions...not to diminsh at all the anguish of youth...its real...it hurts..its scary...nobody wants to be wrong...your chances are fifty fifty..hopefully regardless of outcome...well be able to laugh about it...someday...pay your money...take your chances...whether its mission or marriage there is always the possibility some will end up like the bulls at the end of the day...but theres lots more where those came from

“I know a couple where the girl, who is 20, has received her mission call”
Not “her mission call” “a” mission call. Big difference but not to us well trained Mormons.

Since that “call” has come down from upper patriarchy the bish and dad are going to defer that direction.

Will she be married to the church, forever deferring to a higher patriarchy than her husband and basically having the Priesthood involved for life in every personal decision, or can she “yes! It’s you and me babe come hell or high water”?

Who has more worth as a mate, the one who drops her earing’s the nanosecond patriarchy feels one is the maximum limit, or the girl who adds a third?

Now is the time for these two to decide how many folks will be living in their marriage bed. Today is where the rubber hits the road as a couple.

Lady Missionaries, as they were first called, were a relative rarity. Now they are not.

Parents of daughters who want to be considered for nomination for Best Parents in Zion now realize that they are going to lose position in the competition if don't have at least one daughter in the mission field. Maybe that's one of the factors.

And probably it'll be the same as with the guys, the more gnarly the country, the better.

If she doesn't go, she's shaming the family!!!

No comments so far about the advisability of a 20 year old getting married in the first place. Interesting.

I personally think that she has more than 2 choices here. She could also get an education, get a job, do some traveling, learn more about herself and what she really wants out of life.

My advice would be for more personal growth rather than being pushed into either of the above options.

I totally agree. That's why I said date the guy while you are both going to school. Then, if you really love each other, get married.

PRofit Hinckley made a statement on this at one time. He spoke very firmly. It was primarily MORmON males duty to go on missions ...... (and then get married..... After they had scuttled their education for the sake of going on a mission and many are dead broke.) Hinckley was just as firm that MORmON female member's primary duty is to get married, going on a mission only if there are no marriages prospect and they really want to. Hinckley sounded very authoritative on the matter, AS IF the two situations were completely disconnected from each other ......AS IF drafting a sizable portions of the LDS Males to go on missions had absolutely no bearing on the availability of Males to marry MORmON females. .......AND AS IF Maritial relationships, eternal ones at that, just magically instantly precipitate like with in 24 hours. It was one of the STUPIDED things that I have ever heard. Then the DUmb ass MORmON leaders wonder why so many males are postponing
marriage. ......Then DUmb ass Hinckley gave a conference talk where he complained that MORmON males were not keeping up the MORmON females in getting educated.


........Well guess what ASSpostHOLE Hinckley, not everyone could just move into one of their parent's spare houses for a decade or two when they got married. WHen I hear someone like Hinckley grouse about how others should get things done in the crushing context of ever demanding MORmONISM........... It pisses me off.

the best advice is "don't get that married that young"

second piece of advice is "don't have more kids than you can financially support."

third piece of advice is "never ever consider going on a mission"

fourth... "run, leave the church behind, and never look back", run as fast as you can.

Lots of good thoughts, here, but VoiceOfExperience rings very true.

This young man has to make a rather immediate decision on the question: Is this the woman I want to spend the rest of my life (and, in LDS, eternity) with?

If so, he should promptly propose, forcing her to make the same decision, "Is this the man...?"

If her answer is "no," then she is free to pursue the mission, and they take their chances as to whether the relationship will survive the two years. If the answer is "yes," then everything else is subordinated to that issue. Her answer also reveals whether her priorities -- and influences -- will be her husband and marriage, or her bishop, father, and church. Thus, a "no" may be liberating (painfully so!) for the guy.

Secondary thoughts: (1) She can consider going on the mission as an engaged woman; a ring on her finger has "defined the relationship." He can continue his education, or just work hard, live cheap, and save for their future. But he should insist on an engagement ring (2) They can marry now, and plan on a senior mission later in life and (3) they should both read a good romance novel, "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks (except it's the guy who goes away, Army).

she works with in Alaska who reactivated in the church and met a girl, fell in love. Both of them served missions. She got home about 9 months after he did. They broke it off a few months before she got home, then they both went to different BYUs. They did end up getting married 6 months after she got home.

Back in my day, girls were only encouraged to go on missions if they weren't married by age 21. I was never encouraged to go. My bishop (who had been one of my high school teachers who I liked) said that I had my life going well, had a good career, etc., though I didn't marry until age 27. I had no desire whatsoever to go.

My friend waited for her missionary exclusively. They were married about 10 years and then divorced.

OH, I was going to say that looking at how things are going for single lds girls, I think she should get married. From what I can tell, there are fewer and fewer opportunities to find a good mormon guy to marry if that is what you want. The neighbor's daughter served a mission I believe hoping she'd come home and immediately find a man. She is so unhappy and so discouraged by the opportunities available. I see more and more girls (my daughter's friends and girls I have worked with) who are not marrying. I thought it was bad when I was young. It is MUCH worse nowadays.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2016 12:13AM by cl2.

If it is unrealistic for him to wait 18 months for the woman he is *sure* is his eternal helpmeet, it doesn't exactly sound like true love.

If she were heading off to university and he said "marry me now or maybe I won't be here when you get back", no one would think twice about suggesting he go jump, because that kind of ultimatum is rubbish and manipulative.

Getting married means supporting each other. If she really wants a mission and he thinks manipulating her into giving that up is a legitimate response, that is a poor indication of how things will be in their future.