Date: January 06, 2016 02:34PM
This is the first time I've said anything other than to my "inner circle" of my husband, brother, and mom. This month I officially embarked on a heartbreaking and frightening journey for toward truth.
I've had serious questions, concerns, and disagreements with policies and doctrines of the church for years, but it just now came together upon learning the real history, examining the BOM, and seeing the contradictions between that and the church, within it's own text, and with Jesus' teachings. I won't go into it now, but have had a few disillusioning experiences as well.
I am heartbroken I built part of my life on a lie. This process has left me shaken due to the implications and a bit lost. I am bewildered that I've been hoodwinked until my late 30s, despite considering myself intelligent and a free thinker. I guess growing up in a predominately Mormon community and what I realize is now some mind control explains it, but I still feel stupid.
It has nothing to do with being offended, sin, lack of prayer and study; you know, the typical accusations. In fact I've held a number of leadership positions.
I'm still sorting it all out and solidifying my position. There is a nagging "what if I'm wrong?" It's not just me, but my family and kids I'll effect.
The good news is my husband has some similar views, although is much farther behind in the process. I'm not sure if he will ever totally disavow it. But, my marriage is not at risk. My brother is also at the same place and my Mom isn't going to disown me or anything. If/when my in-laws find out it might not be too much of an exaggeration to say they would rather see us dead than apostates.
Thankfully, I no longer live in Utah. I've never felt like I fit in as a woman who is a feminist and works part-time with children in the home. I'm also politically liberal and I never saw myself as part of the sheeple-but looks like I was to some degree.
If Mark Twain thought the BOM was "chloroform in print," I'd like to see what he would say about sitting through our 3 hours of church, endless meetings, and pointless activities. I wouldn't miss any of that and do not have many close relationships I my ward, nor do my children. After how we were attacked during the 2008 election for our political activity (which we never mentioned at church), the abysmal treatment of my children who have special needs, and being invalidated, blamed, and turned away in an hour of need... neither of us have wanted much to do with our ward "family."
But, I realize that either leaving the church or becoming inactive to any degree will be no easy task- hell I used to be the one tracking down the lost sheep so I should know. I'm trying not to underestimate that psychologically this will be a seismic shift for someone like me. Luckily I already have a therapist anyway.
Any words of advice?
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2016 03:09PM by The Tare.