Posted by:
Book of Mordor
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Date: December 17, 2015 03:24PM
So what do you think was the dumbest thing said or written by JS? The most ridiculous, brain-dead statements ever pulled from his butt or made up as he went along? There are so many to choose from, some well known, others less so. I've compiled a list of my own personal favorites, but couldn't stop at just 10. Feel free to dispute, rearrange, or add others that I've forgotten or left out.
13. Stan has dominion over water. This is what happens when you fall out of a canoe.
"For I, the Lord, have decreed in mine anger many destructions upon the waters; yea, and especially upon these waters… Behold, I, the Lord, in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters. Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh shall be safe upon the waters… I, the Lord, have decreed, and the destroyer rideth upon the face thereof, and I revoke not the decree." (D&C 61:5, 14-15, 19)
12. The one and only Zelph, long before he went on the shelf.
"…the visions of the past being opened to my understanding by the Spirit of the Almighty, I discovered that the person whose skeleton was before us was a white Lamanite, a large, thick-set man, and a man of God. His name was Zelph. He was a warrior and chieftain under the great prophet Onandagus, who was known from the Hill Cumorah, or eastern sea to the Rocky mountains. The curse was taken from Zelph, or, at least, in part – one of his thigh bones was broken by a stone flung from a sling, while in battle, years before his death. He was killed in battle by the arrow found among his ribs, during the last great struggle of the Lamanites and Nephites." (History of the Church, Vol. 2, Ch. 5, p. 79)
11. Abraham's very own autograph – a true collectible. It would have been worth more on a baseball, though. (More rare autographs in #3; what amazing good fortune JS had!)
"A Translation of some ancient Records, that have fallen into our hands from the catacombs of Egypt. – The writings of Abraham while he was in Egypt, called the Book of Abraham, written by his own hand, upon papyrus." (Introduction to the Book of Abraham)
"…I commenced the translation of some of the characters or hieroglyphics, and much to our joy found that one of the rolls contained the writings of Abraham, another the writings of Joseph of Egypt, etc., – a more full account of which will appear in its place, as I proceed to examine or unfold them. Truly we can say, the Lord is beginning to reveal the abundance of peace and truth." (History of the Church, Vol. 2, Ch. 16, p. 236)
10. The earth is made up of the pieces of an older broken-up planet. But the dino bones & fossils are all neatly arranged to make it look like it didn't happen that way. Tricky god, that; or was it Stan? Church never did clear that up.
"The Prophet Joseph Smith is credited with having said that our planet was made up of the fragments of a planet which previously existed; some mighty convulsions disrupted that creation and made it desolate. Both its animal and vegetable life forms were destroyed…" (B. H. Roberts, The Gospel and Man's Relationship to Deity, p. 268)
9. (a) Evil spirits are unbelievably stupid… (trying to shake hands, knowing in advance they'll be found out; one wonders why they don't simply refuse, like good spirits)
"When a messenger comes saying he has a message from God, offer him your hand and request him to shake hands with you. If he be an angel he will do so, and you will feel his hand. If he be the spirit of a just man made perfect he will come in his glory; for that is the only way he can appear – Ask him to shake hands with you, but he will not move, because it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to deceive; but he will still deliver his message. If it be the devil as an angel of light, when you ask him to shake hands he will offer you his hand, and you will not feel anything; you may therefore detect him." (D&C 129:4-8)
(b) …and they have sandy-colored hair (which is not the same as getting your hair colored in Sandy).
"There have also been ministering angels in the Church which were of Satan appearing as an angel of light. A sister in the state of New York had a vision, who said it was told her that if she would go to a certain place in the woods, an angel would appear to her. She went at the appointed time, and saw a glorious personage descending, arrayed in white, with sandy colored hair; he commenced and told her to fear God, and said that her husband was called to do great things, but that he must not go more than one hundred miles from home, or he would not return; whereas God had called him to go to the ends of the earth, and he has since been more than one thousand miles from home, and is yet alive. Many true things were spoken by this personage, and many things that were false. How, it may be asked, was this known to be a bad angel? By the color of his hair; that is one of the signs that he can be known by, and by his contradicting a former revelation." (History of the Church, Vol. 4, Ch. 33, p. 581)
8. The name "Mormon" is only half Egyptian. The other half is English. So much for ancient records.
"…I may safely say that the word Mormon stands independent of the learning and wisdom of this generation. – Before I give a definition, however, to the word, let me say that the Bible in its widest sense, means good; for the Savior says according to the gospel of John, 'I am the good shepherd;' and it will not be beyond the common use of terms, to say that good is among the most important in use, and though known by various names in different languages, still its meaning is the same, and is ever in opposition to 'bad.' We say from the Saxon, 'good'; the Dane, 'god'; the Goth, 'goda'; the German, 'gut'; the Dutch, 'goed'; the Latin, 'bonus'; the Greek, 'kalos'; the Hebrew, 'tob'; and the Egyptian, 'mon.' Hence, with the addition of 'more,' or the contraction, 'mor,' we have the word 'mor-mon'; which means, literally, 'more good.'" (Times & Seasons, Vol. 4, p. 194, May 15, 1843)
7. (a) The City of Enoch was once where the Gulf of Mexico is…
"Joseph Smith said, on another occasion, in the hearing of some of the saints still surviving, that the City of Enoch would again take its place in the identical spot from which it had been detached, now forming that chasm of the earth, filled with water, called the Gulf of Mexico." (Joseph Young, History of the Organization of the Seventies, 1878, p. 12)
(b) …but then floated over half the planet and hovered over the Tower of Babel. Anti-grav tech is awesome, and certainly reasonable!
"It has been taught that it was the object of the people who built the Tower of Babel to reach heaven… But the Prophet Joseph Smith, whose mission it was to shed light upon the darkness of this generation, is said to have declared that it was not their intention to reach heaven, but to reach Zion, which was then suspended in mid-air, between heaven and earth, or at such a height as to render the project feasible. This certainly is more reasonable." (Orson F. Whitney, Collected Discourses, Vol. 1, September 22, 1889)
6. Rainbows can stop Jesus dead in his tracks. Thus saith the Lord, Curses, foiled again!
"I have asked of the Lord concerning His coming; and while asking the Lord, He gave a sign and said, In the days of Noah I set a bow in the heavens as a sign and token that in any year that the bow should be seen the Lord would not come; but there should be seed time and harvest during that year: but whenever you see the bow withdrawn, it shall be a token that there shall be famine, pestilence, and great distress among the nations, and that the coming of the Messiah is not far distant." (History of the Church, Vol. 6, Ch. 10, p. 254)
5. Atoms and molecules from one body are never transferred to any other body. And therefore, such things as blood transfusions, organ transplants, French kissing, or sex do not exist.
"To a remark of Elder Orson Pratt's, that a man's body changes every seven years, President Joseph Smith replied: There is no fundamental principle belonging to a human system that ever goes into another in this world or in the world to come; I care not what the theories of men are. We have the testimony that God will raise us up, and he has the power to do it. If any one supposes that any part of our bodies, that is, the fundamental parts thereof, ever goes into another body, he is mistaken." (History of the Church, Vol. 5, Ch. 17, p. 339)
4. The Ten Tribes are holding out in a big kettle-shaped hole at the North Pole. They must be on a long-term lease from Santa Claus. Too bad that the pole is actually in the middle of an ocean. Does Stan rule that one too?
"…Other questions were asked when Brother [William] Clayton was not present, one of which I will relate: I asked where the nine and a half tribes of Israel were. 'Well,' said he [JS], 'you remember the old caldron or potash kettle you used to boil maple sap in for sugar, don't you?' I said yes. 'Well,' said he, 'they are in the north pole in a concave just the shape of that kettle. And John the Revelator is with them, preparing them for their return.'" (Benjamin F. Johnson, My Life's Review, p. 93)
3. Snakes had legs in Eden and walked around like chickens. No indication if they tasted like chicken.
"'And now come with me,' said the prophet, 'and I will show you the curiosities.' So saying, he led the way to a lower room… There were some pine presses fixed against the wall of the room. These receptacles Smith opened, and disclosed four human bodies, shrunken and black with age. 'These are mummies,' said the exhibitor. 'I want you to look at that little runt of a fellow over there. He was a great man in his day. Why, that was Pharaoh Necho, King of Egypt!' Some parchments inscribed with hieroglyphics were then offered us. They were preserved under glass and handled with great respect. 'That is the handwriting of Abraham, the Father of the Faithful,' said the prophet. 'This is the autograph of Moses, and these lines were written by his brother Aaron. Here we have the earliest account of the creation, from which Moses composed the first book of Genesis.' The parchment last referred to showed a rude drawing of a man and woman, and a serpent walking upon a pair of legs. I ventured to doubt the propriety of providing the reptile in question with this unusual means of locomotion.
"'Why, that's as plain as a pikestaff,' was the rejoinder. 'Before the Fall snakes always went about on legs, just like chickens. They were deprived of them, in punishment for their agency in the ruin of man.' We were further assured that the prophet was the only mortal who could translate these mysterious writings, and that his power was given by direct inspiration." (Josiah Quincy, Figures of the Past, 1883, pp. 386-87)
2. The sun borrows its light from Kolob. Fusion schmusion. Let's hope that the Kolob DWP doesn't demand repayment; it's going to get cold and dark.
"Fig. 5. – Is called in Egyptian Enish-go-on-dosh; this is one of the governing planets also, and is said by the Egyptians to be the Sun, and to borrow its light from Kolob through the medium of Kae-e-vanrash, which is the grand Key, or, in other words, the governing power, which governs fifteen other fixed planets or stars…" (Book of Abraham, Explanation of Facsimile 2)
And the #1 dumbest thing Joseph Smith ever said… you guessed it… (drum roll)
1. Moon Quakers. 'Nuff said.
"'Inhabitants of the Moon are more of a uniform size than the inhabitants of the Earth, being about 6 feet in height. They dress very much like the Quaker Style & are quite general in Style, or the one fashion of dress. They live to be very old; comeing [sic] generally, near a thousand years.' This is the description of them as given by Joseph the Seer, and he could 'See' whatever he asked the Father in the name of Jesus to see." (Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr., in Journal of O.B. Huntington, Book 14, p. 166)
"As far back as 1837, I know he [Smith] said the moon was inhabited by men and women the same as this earth, and that they lived to a greater age than we do – that they live generally to near the age of 1000 years. He described the men as averaging near six feet in height, and dressing quite uniformly in something near the Quaker style." (O.B. Huntington, The Inhabitants of the Moon, The Young Woman's Journal, 1892, v. 3, pp. 263-64)
And to think we were taught to regard this assclown as a prophet of god… sigh. *SMH*