My husband is an intelligent man but he relies entirely on his "feelings" when it comes to the church. Logically since that is what the church teaches and for good reason. If they emphasized using your brain people wouldn't believe in this junk. The church is destroying our marriage. Literally eating away at it. My husband looks to me as the problem. I'm inactive and overall a bad apple. I literally saw a change in his level of respect for me once i went inactive. Even the way he smiled at me changed. It hurts to write this and remember how he treated me before compared to now. I know things change as the years go by but i've read his journal (yes i know a breach of privacy) and he says things like he wishes he never married me because im not active in the church. I can understand where his feelings come from. I feel the same in the sense that i wish he saw what i see and came with me. But I don't wish i never married him. I love him no matter what but i can see his love is intertwined with the lds church. Why did i have to be with the one man who is the definition of a molly mormon. Seriously. All you men out there who are stuck with active wives and i'm practically the only woman stuck with an active husband who doesn't want to watch porn with me. COME ON!!!!

From what others have related on this board, it appears that it's not unusual for Mormons to marry a role more than a person. While you were active you fulfilled that role. Look at the promises that you made in the temple -- they were to the church and not to each other.

I'm sorry that you are facing this. Is counseling (with a non-Mo therapist) a possibility for you?

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,

Sorry you are dealing with that. Truly.

I think you said it right, his love IS intertwined with the LDS church.

And that's what cults do.

I know, I guess it makes it my fault for changing. Im so tired of the church and the weight it puts on us. I hate the way my mother in law looks at me and tries to relate every conversation to how wonderful the church is. I loath the church more and more everyday. I feel like the church forces itself down my throat every chance it gets. I know its the people, our families, bishop and missionaries but it is the church that reinforces all this. And I can't stop it without pushing family away. I don't want to create issues but I think the reality is I'm the issue.

ANNONN Wrote:
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> I think the reality is I'm the issue.

Exactly. As we often do, DW and I were discussing many bright people whom we know who remain trapped, seemingly oblivious to reality.

I think our consensus was that some don't want to know, some are supressing knowing, and others just haven't gotten to where we are. We were part of it all until just three years ago.

The good news is that I never thought DW would come along, but she surely did (and kind of abruptly). Here's wishing for you to have the same experience.

One you know something (and I mean really KNOW, not like testimony "knowing"), you can't unknow it.

ANNONN Wrote:
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> I hate the way my mother in law looks at me and tries to relate every conversation to how wonderful the church is.

I would tell her, "I'm glad that it works for you, but it doesn't work for me."

When it was clear to me that my BYU bride needed the church more than she needed me, I stepped out of the way and let true love proceed. Our 50th would have been in 2018. She's as TBM now as she was then. If I had to do it over, I'd still divorce her. Can't say I wouldn't marry her; that would piss off our kids...

If you spend your the rest of your life loving someone who now wishes he hadn't married you, you're not going to be anywhere close to as happy as I am now.

If you can't change him, I wouldn't stay. But I'm impulsive and a big fan of "Starting Over." (Burt Reynolds & Jill Clayburgh)

My advice is to get a temple divorce if you were married in the temple. If you are an Apostate, it will be granted.
You deserve a man who will love you for you and say FUCK the CULT! Keep us posted.

With all respect, verilyverily, I disagree. I think it is risky to push this issue so aggressively. Looking over the comments of people on this thread who saw a successful de-conversion, I'm impressed that factors of time, patience, and emphasizing the importance of the marriage relationship won out.

I'd say: strengthen the marriage, and let the relationship with TSCC erode, gradually. With a temple divorce, OP's husband might well go for a complete termination of the entire marriage. Push against TSCC too aggressively, and the spouse's auto-reflex defense of it will engage--at the expense of the marriage.

I left TSCC before my husband. There were a few very difficult years before he deconverted It was like telling someone that grass is green, and they keep insisting that is is red. One day my husband said to me, "I married YOU, not the church.". Slowly he began to listen to some of the information I was telling him. Good luck to you and take a break from it. It is emotionally exhausting dealing with TBM's once you learn the truth about Mormonism.

So sorry, Annonn. I hope he comes to understanding.

I'm sorry. I honestly feel for you. I came out a year ago and have watched my marriage crumble. She has literally said that her #1 priority is church. This last conference she doubled-down on everything and has a general condescending way about her. So I totally get the "smile" comment. I do my very best to be kind and a good father. I know,however, that the end result will be divorce and likely within the next year. She had made up her mind and treats me accordingly. I don't say this for sympathy because I'm OK with it. My point is that you're not alone. It's a sad, awful thing that we can't be free or our beliefs treated with respect.

The bright side is that I'm finally at peace with myself and I can actually be human. I'm thriving at work, developing real friendships and feeling more optimistic than ever. There will be dark days...this hasn't been easy.

I wish you all the best. You aren't alone.

B

That was hard to read.

It is so sad that feelings of allegiance for a cult can trump real feelings of love.

This is why I want that church exposed openly and blatantly for what it is. So many just can't see through the indoctrination. So much love is being trampled. So many husbands and wives and kids being hurt just for the sake of feeding the egos of the Gerontocracy.

Wishing the best for all of you.