Posted by:
CrispingPin
(
)
Date: November 29, 2015 10:37AM
There is a saying that is commonly attributed to Albert Einstein (though there really isn’t any evidence that Einstein was the source): “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” I think most TBMs would love me to test my sanity one more time.
I grew up in a TBM family. During most of my youth, I accepted that everything I was taught was the absolute truth. I never doubted or questioned TSCC. In my late teens, I decided that I needed to gain my own testimony, and not depend on the words of other people. When I was 18, I read the BoM cover-to-cover for the first time. When I finished, I put Moroni’s Promise to the test, fully expecting to “know” the truth, from my own experience, for the first time. I had a chance when I was alone at home (a rare opportunity in a large family) to get on my knees and pour out my heart in prayer. I didn’t expect an angelic visit. I didn’t expect trumpets blaring from heaven. But I did expect something that I couldn’t deny. Moroni 10 doesn’t say you’ll feel good about the BoM, it says “he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” Well, not only did I not “know” the BoM was true, I got nothing.
Despite that failure, I left for my mission a months later. I blamed myself for not receiving a testimony, and thought I needed to prove my devotion to the lord to be worthy on an answer to my prayers. I read the BoM a couple of more times, and still no answer from above. The years went by, and once every few years, I decided to try to prove the BoM to myself again. Each time, I felt nothing when I prayed after reading it. This went on for about 30 years. Each time I read it, I noticed more logical, moral, and doctrinal problems, but I always gave “the lord” the benefit if the doubt. The last time I read it cover-to-cover was when Hinckley challenged all members to read the BoM before the end of the year. Once again, I found a quiet time and place to get down on my knees. At the end of my prayer, I felt nothing, but my mind was very clear.
Sometime later, when I was still active, I expressed my lack of testimony to my bishop. His advice: read the scriptures and pray.