My BF found out he has serious health issue. He finally told me and said he will be taking some time with his friends and family close to a hospital and to reevaluate his health and priorities.

I understand completely how serious it is (I work in the medical field) and know how he needs to take this time to figure out what is going on and what his treatment plan will be.

I am also seriously crushed, because he and I have been talking about a future we might not get...and he pushed me away a little. I know he is scared and I feel terribly selfish to be wondering what about US?

I am scared too. I finally met someone I want to plan a future with. He started to cry and tell me how much he loved me and wish he met me 30 years ago while he had more time...

Nothing has been determined yet and I know he is being fatalistic. I tried to give him the peace that he needs..that no matter what his choice regarding "US" I will support him in his health crisis.

He started to cry again and ask me how I could love a man with (specific health issue) and I said..."It's still you. It's still me". He said that he already knew my answer before I spoke it.

I know he loves me. I love him.

Why does it feel like I need to prepare myself for another huge loss in my life?

Im scared. So scared right now. Im bracing that he is going to end our relationship. I know he doesn't want to, but I am wondering if its going thru his head that it's what is best. (Lose a bf before being a widow) And yes, if I could only be a widow a few months to the man I loved..I would.

I want to do whatever I can for him, if he will let me. He is going thru so many emotions right now and feeling like he is letting me down. I feel like Im failing him by not being stronger. (I had to walk out of a room and cry it out, when I walked back he said..don't hide it ok?)

So crushed and now just taking it day by day.

RMM

I'm sorry, hon. That's really rough. Life really socks it to ya between the eyes sometimes. *HUGS*

I'm sorry, too.
You wrote:

"And yes, if I could only be a widow a few months to the man I loved..I would."

I suggest you tell him that very thing.
I don't know what effect it will have...but were I in his situation, it would make me feel loved. :)

^^^^ I so agree.


So sorry for these trials. I wish you both the best. (((Cyberhugs))))

I've told my G/F that I'll be there for her no matter how poopy her diapers get.

But I get what he's going through. I would not want to be a burden. It's like I think I'm strong enough to bear up under the burden of any condition she might suffer, but I wouldn't want her to think less of me for not being 'perfect.'

I think talking about it will help. People build walls sometimes but people can work to tear them down.

The notion of "Not Being A Burden" is often seen as proof of love. "Oh, sweetheart, rather than force you to see me suffer, I'll set you free to find another; that's how much I love you!"

...right up there with, "...tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before..."

Talk, talk and more talk. I bet he'd tell you that if it were you with the health issues, he'd stick by you. Let him see that he's not the only noble person in the relationship.

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've told my G/F that I'll be there for her no
> matter how poopy her diapers get.

This is my take is well, and "no matter how poopy ... the diapers get" is insightful and apt...

"for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health...and no matter how poopy the diapers get...until death do us part."

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...but I wouldn't want her to think less of me for
> not being 'perfect.'

This sentence has been bothering me since I read it last night...

Isn't the expectation of "being 'perfect' " particularly (at least on THIS board ;) ) Mormon???

Isn't the assumption (especially the UNEXAMINED assumption) that SOMEONE ELSE...E-X-P-E-C-T-S...a significant other (or ANY human being) to be "perfect" particularly Mormon???

Isn't this psychological and emotional reflex just another manifestation of Mormon black-and-white categorization, which promotes persistent self-exclusion, so that our most important human connections are undermined and rendered more shallow, less meaningful, and more painful---in order that the Mormon Church/greater "Mormon" culture, can serve as that self-excluded person's "savior"???

...and isn't the unexamined EXPECTION of "perfection" (either in ourselves, or in others) one of the most odious characteristics of Mormon mind-think???

In this case, the self-inflicted expectation of "perfection" is being used as a tool to separate from others, and to cut off (or lessen) the deepest and MOST important human connections, at the time they are most needed to face real life challenges.

Sometimes, in some very cruel places on this planet, people who are being victimized are not killed (even though they very easily could be), they are amputated...so that they go on living, but serve as a continuing illustration to themselves, and to those in their lives, that they (and all individuals who are being victimized in any way) are helpless to affect, or to change, their bondage.

It seems to me, that in this particular context, ASSUMING an expectation of "perfection" (on the part of either party in a two-person relationship) is the psychological and emotional equivalent of pointless physical amputation.

I know that this phenomenon is understandable, and that it has been carefully and consistently bred in by the culture...

...but this does not lessen it's perniciousness, or its deep cruelty to everyone involved.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/28/2015 01:49PM by Tevai.

Those were important points that we should all consider in terms of how it relates to mormonism and us as human beings. The idea of being perfect is deadly to relationships.

Sweetheart, I am so sad to hear about this problem. It can be such a huge blow to have the happy future of our dreams interrupted by a frightening present.

The best thing that I can think of is to talk about how you feel to him. The idea of a noble, one-sided sacrifice may seem to be somehow "the right thing to do" to some people. However, I doubt that it really works out that way.

He still deserves to be loved, and you still deserve the same. The British say that a problem shared is a problem halved. I would say that if you two can find a way to help each other, you will both find something good and infinitely valuable. You'll both probably need space and comfort at the same time. It's hard to get it right, but it's greatly worthwhile to go right ahead and do the best that you can.

And please, don't hesitate to keep up the conversation with us and others. You will need support, just as he will. Remember to take care of yourself, always.

I'm very sorry for you both.

Consider that he is in shock. As would you, he only wants you to view him in the best light, not experience his weaknesses... If he is much older, he may think he's releasing you to love another rather than have you suffer.

Life is unpredictable. It's how you meet the challenges that prove your character. If he insists on breaking up, it may simply be that he needs all his strength to fight this-without feeling responsible for your well being too. Being a health professional, you are equipped for the long haul.

Give him a moment to sort it out, yet make it clear you are a phone call away if he needs you. Take extra good care of yourself: rest, food... even when you don't want to.

Best wishes for a positive outcome.

((Healing hugs))

you are his rock, and he is your rock, it's a big world, help each other out, so you don't to say, " we should of"

I'm sorry that your boyfriend is sick, RMM. Right now he may be feeling that he doesn't have the emotional energy to put into a relationship. He may need a little time to come to terms with the new normal. I wouldn't smother him, but I wouldn't go away, either.

I spoke too soon. Feeling very crushed and defeated here.

My boyfriend had "the talk" with me which ended up in sobbing tears for both of us.

We both love each other very much, but he feels he is holding me back with his illness. He doesn't want to break up with and feels he has to sort out his health issues without me.

He wants me in his life, he just doesn't want me to see him sick. I respect his decision, but I think I would make the same choice if it were me.

He knows that I would not reject him because of his illness, but he think it would hurt more as time goes by. He did flip flop a little and say how much he loved me and feels like he is making the biggest mistake of his life. He feels it is unfair to ask me to put my life on hold and wait for him to figure out his life.

He feels I am better off with someone else in the end that can live my dreams with me...I never met anyone I wanted to live those dreams with until him.

Rationally, my head understands every bit of what he is saying. I didn't fight it or ask him to change his mind. Im just crushed and haven't been able to stop crying. I know I will eventually.

We agreed to leave each other alone for a month or so. We both would like to keep the friendship if we can, but that is going to be a long process. He didn't want to leave me with false hope that if he health improves that we could resume our relationship. He wants me to go on living happy the best way I can. He did hesitate with saying that if he can someday, he will let me know....but says he knows it would take me a long time to let him back in my heart. I told him that IF he ever makes that choice again and I say yes..he better be prepared to not let me go, because I cant go thru this again.

I feel like I lost my soulmate, my lover and my best friend in one swoop. My best friends knew what was happening and just let me come cry in their arms.

Im not mad at my bf, Im not angry, I don't think poorly of him. I am just so sad that he feels this scared. He doesn't have it in him to have a committed relationship. He is going to stick close to friends and family (which makes me feel better that he is not going thru this crisis alone).

Before we said goodbye we just held each other and said lovely things about what we love about one another. We just stared at each other and almost at the same time said "I love you" and it was so painful we both just broke down in sobs.

As far as break ups go, as much as this one hurts, it was the most respectful, honest and loving moment.

I wont be looking for him or reach out to him. I need to respect his request for space. Im not going to hope he panics tomorrow thinking he made a huge mistake and rushes to me.(Well let me be honest-it might be selfish, but I want him to hurt over the loss of me-this shouldn't be too easy)

I will consider myself blessed if we can make a friendship work later.

This is the first time in my life that I can say I have been truly loved and right now it sucks big time to have to let it go.

I know we both love each other and its not going away-he just doesn't have the time and energy for me.

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him-but this is what he asked.

Life sucks right now. Everything hurts. Fast forward past Xmas please because I don't have much "brave face" energy to get thru this season.

Now if I can stop crying and get myself put together for work.

RMM

He just found out about his health condition right? He is in shock as are you. Let things settle down a bit, both of you take a deep breath, find out what the doctors can do or can't do (option choices?), before making any decisions that affect your entire future.

When anyone first receives a scary diagnosis, a million thoughts go through their head (and the heads of the their loved ones). But, you don't know what is going to happen. You must try to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.

My husband got a serious brain injury nearly 10 years ago. He went to work, fell, and the next that happened was he was in a coma! SHOCK! A million things went through my head, a million questions etc. On top of the regular worrying, I had to find a lawyer to fight the company he was working for regarding worker's compensation because of course they fought me about it banking the the fact that it was a brain injury and hence DH would not remember which he didn't for several months and then only partially. I had to get him on SS Disability (also a battle) etc. It was difficult. I didn't know I was strong enough to do it, but I did. You are stronger than you think you are too.

The point is, take it one hour at a time. Both of you decide things together when possible. Make sure he knows that you are there for the long haul whatever that happens to be.

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years ago. She has had a double mastectomy and even after that there were still cancer cells lurking about and spreading and causing problems. TEN YEARS ON CHEMO! But, and this is the part I want you to pay attention to: one month ago, her doctor said "no more cancer cells are being found now."
He took her off chemo. It doesn't mean there will never be another cancer cell but NO CHEMO NOW. You can only imagine what fabulous news this is to us.

I have my own vision of each cancer cell holding a white surrender flag and dragging around with no strength until they finally gave up and said "the lady is too strong for us, we quit, we give up." It might sound a bit silly but I actually picture the cancer cells giving up, surrendering, and quitting and dying instead of having my sister dying. Even her doctor is surprised.

Nobody knows exactly what will happen with your BF right now. They probably have to do tests and speak with other doctors etc. Get as much info as possible from them even when they try to shield you from the info. Knowing is always better even if it is bad. Comfort each other and be strong for each other. You can do it. Tell him you can do it with him and that you are going to do it with him. Don't ask, tell him.
He is not thinking clearly now and he might try to talk you out of it. Your post sounds like you are in for good.

Please keep us informed and here are some cyber HUGS for both of you....HUGS HUGS HUGS... if there is anything we on the board can do, let us know.

Thank you all for kind words of encouragement and advice. A few of my closest friends and I have been talking that know us have been saying similar things. (Give him the space he needs, he feels like he doesn't have the emotional energy for our relationship, he needs me, but he may be martyring our relationship out of love for me...etc.)

I have been crying off and on today just trying to put energy into positive things. He is that kind of person that always admired my autonomy.

One of our friends made a statement that I may what gives him the will to go on...

The last thing I want is to make anything harder on him...so Ive just resolved to have my heart open to him and be there for him.

He would do that for me if things were different. We are so similar that I know I would probably push a few people away that I didn't want to see me be this scared.

He knows my history of my LDS past and was appalled how I was treated and abandoned. I can see he is torn between self care and leaving me "alone" to address his issue. I know he is upset that our first holidays together are going to be mixed with these hard circumstances. He missed Thanksgiving because of a trip to the hospital. He asked if we could have one later.

Of course! We can create any holiday we want dear! I am glad we are the kind of couple that have always lived in the moment. But now Im grateful for any hint of a future plan, even if its just a postponed Turkey dinner. It is time with him, and I wont take any of it for granted.

I was happy that he did let his hope wander to a happier possibility at the end of our last conversation. He spoke of a future trip and how he wants me to join him. After so much semi-fatalistic talk, I am glad he held on to something positive, hopeful and saw me being a part of it.

Thank you all
RMM

There's no better way to describe this situation than to say it sucks. I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom other than to tell everyone you care about that you love them, often, and breathe.

Oh I'm so very very sorry to hear this. It makes me get all weepy. If it was my B/F I wouldn't care what he said.... I'd camp out by his bed all day and night to be with him... Don't let him be all noble and only think of you because if he realized it he
would know how much you want to be with him.

Please keep us posted about your situation. Ok?

I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my heart.

If you can be there for him, we can be here for you.

By the way if you feel comfortable with sharing his diagnosis please do.

You might find that there are those of us here who have the same condition or who have close family members with it.

We can help.

Thank you, but I choose not to publish the details of his illness. I work in the medical field and it is engrained in me to not share those details publicly about anyone.

It is also out of respect for him, as I would not want anyone to identify him for his diagnosis.

Thank you for understanding,
RMM

Happy Update:) My BF has been stabilized and has returned home from procedures and testing. He is responding well to treatment and although VERY tired, has been making fantastic progress. It is so good to see the color in his cheeks return.

I had resigned myself to just being a good friend and not putting any added pressure on him. I turned to my closest friends for emotional support. (Who are saints for allowing me to cry my foolish head off at times!)

A few days ago, my BF reached out to me and we had a deep heart to heart conversation. I was braced for the "I can't do this relationship" talk and instead he pulled me close and said "This must have been so hard for you too". I started to cry because it meant the world to me that he acknowledged that my heart is with him and I want him to be well and happy for himself FIRST.

These events have definitely brought us closer. I am still a bit hesitant on his future health prognosis, but his Doctors are giving him great news. We are just taking one day at a time, have resumed our relationship and have started talking about the future again. I am over the MOON that he is feeling positive and hopeful, because he lost his will and mind for awhile.

I was starting to sink into a depression dealing with the potential loss of the love of my life...as well as the relationship. I am so glad I listened to my dearest friends and remained as calm as possible and let my love speak louder than my fears.

And now tonight, we just lay looking at each other feeling very blessed and happy we have each other.

RMM

I love happy endings!!

;o)

And so may it continue!

Please keep us posted. Hoping things turn out ok.

Good news! I was wondering how you both were doing. Enjoy the holidays together. Watch some funny movies... Laughter is good medicine.

Best wishes for the future.

I know I wouldn't want to burden anyone else with something like a serious illness, even if they wanted to help.

She says, "Of course I'll stick by you, because I love you!"

I respond, "I don't want you to have this terrible burden, because I love you!"