We are expected to go to dinner tomorrow at my hubby's sister's house. She and her husband are über TBM. They suspect I am out and talk about THE church obsessively. After the recent policy announcement I do not want anything to do with them. Am I wrong to just back out. I don't want to hang out with these smug people. Help! How can I get out of this. I know many if you are in the same boat.

You are not wrong to just back out.

Just do it and send flowers or a small box of chocolates with a note afterward. Class smooths a lot of things over.

If the situation were reversed and you knew that someone you had invited to dinner really did not want to come because there was just no chemistry, wouldn't you prefer them to beg off? I would. Who wants a duty visit? Dinners should not include a big dollop of boring with a side dish of aggravation.

If you need a good excuse, the one we use is that we have been having some serious difficulties and need time alone to work it out. No need to give details--these things are personal. ( Your difficulty could actually be a disagreement over your brand of toothpaste.) People always understand and respect your space. Oh wait, these are Mormons. Never mind and Good luck. :)


You usually only have to decline a couple of times and the invitations stop coming.

Thanks Blue. My husband still wants to go - it is his family. I will send the food I signed up for and will stay home. I am done
With all the Mormon nonsense.

My sister in law stopped going to my parent's house for holidays and after he while he started seeing them other times than the holidays and spending them with her. I am wishing that for you.

Switch the tables in your head, a thought experiment:

Suppose you invited them over to your house for dinner. And all you talked about, obsessively, was about the lack of semitic DNA in native americans, how boring TBMs are in bed, how fun it is to get tipsy on red wine, how many underage girls joseph smith bedded, how hot Ellen DeGeneres' wife is, etc.

You know, subjects that might make your TBM guests uncomfortable.

To me, that would be a breech of etiquette, a form of rudeness, a lack of boundaries. As the host, you chose to invite TBM guests to your home, hence, the expectation would be that you not bring up subjects that might make your guests uncomfortable.

But TBMs believe everything that spews from their pursed & purified lips to be twoooo, and therefore, not off limits, no matter the company, no matter the audience. It's passive aggression at its finest. It's a complete lack of respect extended towards others that don't share their fervor and belief.

Your husband's extended family is choosing to invite you and your husband into their home. Proper decorum and politeness is not an unreasonable expectation on your part. They can not (or will not) extend that courtesy to you.

By not going, you are establishing healthy and reasonable boundaries between yourself and them. You have established this boundary due to their inane, thoughtless, banal, incessant TBM yammering from events past. You have chosen the correct path, says I.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 07:27PM by schlock.

Migraine, no one can argue with that. Used it on more than one occasion.

And part of the problem with being exmo is that there is no way in H*** they would ever in a million years understand my issues with the church. They just keep trying to reconvert me and feeling sorry for me. It is crazy annoying as you all know. Thanks for the advice.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 08:17PM by antilehinephi.

I went up three years ago to beautiful Orem and spent T-Day with my TBM daughter. Mostly I was in a daze, going from wall to wall, admiring the photos of prophets and temples, and the wonderful, wonderful Proclamation anent the Family.

Nice people, but limited interests...

That's why I'm not spending it with my family. Spending it with friends who I know I'll have a great time with. I feel a bit guilty but to me it's worth it.

I feel sorry for you. You are not alone in this! Holidays are supposed to be celebratory, and filled with love, but some people use this special time to exercise control, and to sell-sell-sell. I had a relative who always tried to sell us his products, until he turned it around, and started giving out free samples--much more effective. It would be effective for Mormons to give out more samples of LOVE.

What I'm saying, is I agree with Schlock. A proper host/hostess needs to know how to put the guests at ease, and be sure everyone has a good time. It's just as important as the cooking.

Here are some tips that worked for me. Some members of my family were verbally abusive, and blamed me for my two divorces, and at the same time nagged me to date and get remarried. There's always something for families to criticize you about. Take care, because if you don't show up, they will talk about you behind your back.

First of all, how many people are you? Just you and your spouse, or do you have children included? Your decision to let the rest of your family attend without you, is a good one. One person doesn't make a huge difference. Will you feel bad being left home alone? (I would take a long bath, turn up the music, and run around the house, singing and dancing, in my pajamas, and eat ice cream--but I'm not the lonely type.)

Tell them you ate Costco chicken salad. No one else in your family did, so they are fine.

You can talk yourself through the ordeal. Remind yourself that Mormons are like children, only more stupid than children. They spew words that aren't theirs, ideas that aren't theirs. That's why it seems that Mormons are all alike. It's nothing personal, because they really aren't talking to you, as an individual. They don't really know you.

Remind yourself that Mormonism is very tiny--less than .02% of the population. Mormons make it out to be so very important, but the cult is NOTHING. Don't give it any power over you. Don't let it ruin your holidays!

1. Have fun with the kids. If you have children, sit with them, in order to "supervise." Kids love to talk about their school, tell jokes, play games, and be happy and relaxed.

2. "Let's not talk about religion or work or politics--this is a party!" This is my favorite line. In my own house, I say, "No religion or politics." Everyone has heard me say this many times. Say it with a smile.

3. Listen. Don't reveal much information about yourself or your family, because nasty relatives will use it against you. (I had the nastiest TBM relatives you can imagine.) Let them blab and brag, which is what they like to do. Be happy for them, if things are going well. They have to endure being in that cult every day. Maybe develop a little compassion.

4. If things get uncomfortable for you, just say "Excuse me." That's my second favorite line. You don't have to explain. Get away, and go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, make a call on your cell phone. One relative actually keeps his ear phone in his ear the entire time, and no one tells him that's rude.

You could leave early, to go to another Thanksgiving celebration with your own side of the family, with friends, or with a charity group. I volunteer with single friends at a local senior care facility. Also, on Christmas Eve, my children and I leave early to attend a Christian Christmas Eve candlelight service.

Next time, make your own plans ahead of time, and let your family know, up front, that you and your husband have your own traditions. One relative always told my in-laws, "We always go to a movie on Thanksgiving." Period. End of conversation.

Whether you decide to go or stay, it is important that you have a good time on Thanksgiving and the other holidays. I cook a turkey for my own family on another day, and have the leftovers. We have a family "night-before-Christmas-eve" party, that is private. That way, we don't mind sharing Christmas Eve with our extended family.

I would also be reluctant to back out THIS TIME - since it would be at the last minute, unless it's a really large group that wouldn't miss you.

If you do go, maybe go prepared with some light, pleasant, non-churchy topics of your own to introduce. Something everyone could relate to.

That's often the problem in a social event, that people will get stuck on CHURCH topics if they all go to the same church, or SCHOOL topics if they are all teachers etc. People find they can connect with others through these commonalities.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 09:57PM by seekyr.

Stephen Colbert's answer to an unwanted invitation: "I would like to attend, but I don't want to."

My TBM family at a large meal for the holidays, seeing relatives whom they haven't seen in a while. First question out of their mouths: "So, what church calling do you have these days?"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 10:34PM by misterzelph.