So I went on my 2 year involuntary servitude to the absolutely wonderfully non-mormon country of Italy! I was directed to the Rome mission which literally covers from Rome south including Malta and all of Sicily and Sardegna. I started in Catanzaro, then went to Sassari, and ended in Rome before i escaped into the night to begin my immoral shennanigans.

I think the week or two before my great escape we had a big ole stake conference, which for the Rome mission, is gigantic because its literally half of all the mormons in Italy attempting to come together. After drinking our morning kool aid and hearing this news we were all just ecstatic! None other than M. Russell Ballard was going to be there and have a special missionary one on one with us before the boring as fuck conference.

Well... some of you know about my previous struggles in the mission.. some dont... so at this point i was an extremely "apostate" missionary but just like every other exmo here i was trying furiously to make the church be true in my heart and mind. After every morning furious jack off session in the bathroom, praying the 3 other mishies didnt hear me, i would actually get down on my knees and beg Allah to give me light and knowledge that the church was true. Well what would you fucking know. The old man had sent me one of his very own saggy Apostles to come and confirm it all in one handshake!

At this point i had informed myself well about the church using my smuggled in iPod touch and the extremely chance free wifi we had at our apartment. I was hanging onto the thread that maybe, just maybe, the church could still be true. Basically my shelf was hanging on by one nail.

The day of the conference came. We woke up at the ass crack of dawn so we could all catch a bus to North Rome where the conference was being held in some nice as hell hotel (Only the best for the Lords saggy apostles) and when we finally arrived we all gathered to "sing the apostle through the doorway"

What a bunch of shit. The dude was late. He was old and boring. And all of his crew were demanding as hell with us, telling us to do this and carry this and blah blah. I pretty much was fed up with this ole geezer before i even got to talk to him.

All us khool aid drinking mishies gathered into a conference room and await the meeting to start, elbowing each other and giggling about how hot Ballard was. FINALLY it started and he got up and gave us the spiel about doing the lords work and this and that. Most people took notes. I didnt. All i kept thinking was about how i had just jerked it that morning and now i was about to shake Ballards hand. I prayed to God saying "Please God.. When he shakes my hand please let him use his Apostalic revelation to know im a sinner and send me home. Please God! Im okay with going home as a sinner as long as i know the church is true! Ill change! I really will!" (Besides just jerking it and looking at porn and having an iPod i was already making out with one of my English Students i taught on the reg in church)

Well... He finished his Mein Kampf about his days as a missionary and finally sat the fuck down. We raised out voices so God could hear the sound of it and then got in a big line so we could shake this mans hand. I was about 1/4 of the way down the line.. One missionary went up, shook hands, exchanged a few words, and kept moving.. it kept on like this... finally it was the guy in front of me... then.. they were done.. It was up to me..

My palms were sweaty.. i could taste moms spaghetti...

My legs wouldnt move. I was terrified. I had prayed. I had tryed so hard. Now was what everything hinged on for me... I took a shuttered step forward.. then two.. then three... i stuck out my now callused hand from my morning exercise... and.. his weirdly soft and clammy hand engulfed it. I had touched a man who had SEEN GODS FACE with my child riddled hand..

I felt nothing. I didnt feel a damn thing! I looked him right in the eye. I said "Ive been so excited to meet you Elder Ballard and have prayed about this moment for a very long time! Thank you so much for everything you said today and for being here."

He looked back at what i think was my nose and paused... he waited a second all the while holding my hand and i though "Holy shit. Hes receiving revelation about my apostasy... Hes going to stop everything and tell me to go home and repent. Please God make him say that. Make him exercise his priesthood."

NOPE! After his pause he says "You have such a good spirit about you. I can tell you are dedicated to doing the lords work and will and following his example. Thank you Elder."

The shelf fell.

I escaped into the night a couple weeks later with the girl.

Thanks.

About the time I was coming out, I was Stake Exec Secretary. I spent a lot of time with Vaughn Featherstone during our Stake Conference. He gave no less than 4 speeches attacking gays, and revealing his bigoted ignorance about gays.

After the conference, he came up to me and thanked me for my service to the church. "I'm so grateful we have young men like you faithful to the church." I thought, "this old bigot has no clue I'm gay."

So much for the power of discernment.

Vaughn's son Joe was my HT companion years and years ago.

I'll bet he still doesn't wear socks.

I'll bet he still rides on his father's rep.

Is your mom really that good of a cook?

BTW, I took 3 years of Italian. Such a fun language!

I love Italian food, both in and out of Italy. The best Italian food I've ever had was in New York, though.

After being very careful all around the Med' (not on a mission, I was in my '50's!), I finally got complacent in Naples and my wallet was pinched by some bastard on a crowded train (and another bastard was dry-humping my daughter from behind, but she didn't say anything to me until later!), so I consider that the armpit of Italy; I was warned that Rome was worse, but it was delightful by comparison, plus I had no wallet so no worries.

BTW, the treasures the Vatican has in their holdings & museum must make TSCC poop their Utah-based Depends.

I loved that story...... More, More, MOre.

Well done!

And thank you for the enjoyable read.

I haven't heard the rest of your story - is it posted somewhere? I did a search by your name and didn't find the details of your mission escape.

I have yet to post those details! I will though if people want. I had come to this page early in my mission seeking help. People like raptor Jesus gave me some really great advice.

Whoa! Great story, but even better back story of coming here as a missionary and getting the assistance to leave. Love it! Tell us more.

Well I really can't blame you for the local girl. I've been to Italy many times and the view can be spectacular.

I've had some great meals in Porto Cesareo outside of Lecce.

Holland visited my mission in England back in '97. It was a big whoopla also and then I watched him lie to us. It was such an obvious lie, I couldn't believe it. I stuck it out for another year but really didn't do much. The shelf was crumbling rapidly after that.

You are a very good writer and I thorough enjoyed you witty humor about your experience. I sense that you have a very high IQ. Go to college now. Make something of yourself. You are very talented, and I know you'll do extremely well in whatever field you choose. Be glad you got out, and didn't spend another 10,20, 30 years in a CULT. When I finished my mission in London, I took a trip through Europe, met a girl in Italy also and had fun. I went home, met with my Bishop for my YBU interview, and lied my ass off over and over again. I became a branch president, Bishop, etc during the next 20 years. Your shelf fell because you finally realized there is absolutely zero revelation - their quacks and charlatans. Good for you. I am proud of you, and I don't even know you.

The girl...what happened to the girl?

There's gotta be a story there, yes?

Thank you for posting that buriedego. So entertaining and so much more spiritual than anything any of the Big 15 have ever come up with.

Oh, we had Mark E. Petersen in our home once. I thought I would feel goodness and light emanating from his countenance. We scrubbed the house for weeks before his arrival. My mother made an amazing pot roast.

I felt nothing from Petersen except that maybe he would rather not been there and being magnanimous was getting to be a bit of a strain.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 01:48PM by blueorchid.

I always found that it was weird that GA's had to stay in members homes and eat dinner at their tables. If it were me, it would make me grumpy as I'm not much of an extrovert. It's not like they really need to save the money. It's really a lose-lose situation -- in a good way. The members get to meet the GA's and form a terrible opinion of them. And the GA's get a little bit of discomfort. LOL!

During my mission, visiting GAs used their super-duper powers of discernment to accuse innocent missionaries of things they didn't do.

Thanks so much for sharing.

So many times I thought the bishop, stake president or mission pres would be able to see the lie that I felt my face was making. But never, not once. Even when I was a young teen and my bishop asked.

"Do you masturbate?" And I felt the hairs on my entire body stand up. And I said no. He did nothing. He gave me a recommend and I was able to do baptisms for the dead. Feeling like shit the entire time.

I loved your story and the way you stated it. Thanks again!

You are a wordsmith sir. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

Thank you kindly everyone! I'll try to post a bio to the appropriate forum soonish.

The story with the girl is long and sticky.. (Hardy har) but eventually I realized she's a whore and ditched her. Two months later she went to the olde chapel and got herself baptized. To exeuromissiomary - thanks it means a lot



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 04:33PM by buriedego.

Please post a note here if the escape story is going in the bio or another section.

Or just post the escape portion here -- anxious to hear about it!

Another vote for more...great story, well written :)
Even though you made me look rather stupid for both sticking it out for 2 years in France, and not taking advantage of the numerous cute French girls I *could* have taken advantage of...:(

Japan Tokyo North Mission '82-'83

Hinkley came and addressed the mission.

The only memorable part of his forgettable address was when he said...
"You will never reach a higher spirituality than that which you attain on your mission."

I HATED him for this ridiculous and manipulative statement.

Wish that I had walked out of that meeting and the stupid cult at that moment.