The comments from those who got "the letter" on this board are so full of adjectives like exciting, freeing, thrilling, and cleansing. Toasts are offered and virtual confetti thrown.

Got my letterlast week--didn't feel that. I felt a deeply profound feeling of the bittersweet. I was shocked and dismayed at myself that I was not catapulted into the stratosphere to land on planet "Overjoyed" in the star system "Elation" a billion light years from Kolob, to join Saucie, and Seekyr and Petra and nolomo and the others in a happy dance and a toast.


There is no one more disgusted with the Mormon church than me. So what could explain? This really bothered me--immensely.

The thing is, I was born to the most TBM family in the most TBM county in the state. Everyone and everything were Mormon. And unlike my later experiences on the Mission and BYU, the "all Mormon all the time" experience of my youth was mostly good, often to be treasured.

I grew up in an old pioneer farming community where people just showed up to help you build your house or barn, not because they were told to by the bishop, just because that is what you did. Someone shoveled your walks and you never knew who. Food brought to those who needed it was the idea of the person bringing it. Once in while the Relief Society organized it, but mostly it was just everyone helping everyone. When I went to my Dad's funeral a few years ago I still saw the natural kindness and reciprocity in the eyes of those who were glad to see me again after forty years.

When you went to the Rodeo or County Fair you knew everyone and those events were as important as church on Sunday. Camping trips where the whole town went and even stayed at the lake on Sunday with a quick service. My Dad the Bishop giving my great uncle a TR even though he drank coffee. My ancestors had all been so poor as pioneers that coffee was often all they had to eat some days. They looked at the WoW for what it really was--just some advice.

Kids who got in trouble were helped not shamed. No one worried about who wasn't coming to church. The jack-mo's were accepted and just part of the fabric of the community. You still laughed and talked with them at the grocery store or the bowling alley.

It wasn't perfect. I'm probably glossing over things and remembering the best of times. We were all building bomb shelters with food storage. I was still bullied for being obviously "the other" though I never admitted it. But one of the older neighborhood kids who was the star football player went to my dad and said, "They are really bullying blue, mind if I take care of it?" I only found that out a short time ago. Always wondered why things got a little better.

I struggled because of the church's teachings. But the Mormons of that pocket that I grew up in were not the Mormons I knew later or the ones I read about on this board now. They weren't shunning or leaving each other over the church or freaking out about a cup of coffee.

So, I was a little sad that this is the way it all turned out. Bittersweet. Still necessary though.

But part of me feels like I turned my back on the uncle who took me to get an owl out of a trap on full moon in the snow. I feel like I am turning my back on Aunt Clara and her famous coconut pie and the farmer who didn't press charges when I did something I shouldn't have and he let me work it off instead. (He had eight boys--he knew we were all idiots at that age.)

So I still will join you all in a toast and a "yahoo!" but it feels like I'm always on the wrong page and wondering if anyone else ever felt this. Passages bring reflections of the past I guess. I still like the future as it is laid out now.

You are a wonderful person BlueOrchid, you feel deeply and you

have a long and deep relationship with the mormon church and

the mormons that You love. I think you will find a place in

yourself where you will process all those feelings and be at

peace with leaving the church. The thing that compelled me to

resign after 15 years of being out, was the hateful way the

church treats Gay's and Lesbians and their children from same

sex marriage. That affects my family, my daughter and my

grandson and my neice who in no way on earth have ever done

anything to deserve such vile hatred. I can still love the

mormons that I loved , and I can still remember fondly all the

good times we shared together, but it does not mean I have

to love the church I just resigned from.

Everyone heals in their own way... we don't have to be all

cookie cutter cut outs of each other... that was the morman way

not the human way. You will heal in your own way... it doesn't

have to be just exactly like others healed, we are all

different in our humanness... thats what makes each of us

so unique and wonderful. I just have a feeling you'll be

just fine.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2015 02:36PM by saucie.

Hey Blue Orchid. I can relate. Most of the Morgbots where I grew up were all pretty darn nice. There were a few nutjobs but the vast majority were nice and sweet.

But that said, the doctrine is just plain silly and wrong. So I can't support it, no matter how nice the people are.

That was a nice retrospective to read, and I thank you for it.

Even though you turned your back on Mormonism, that's no reason to turn your back on your childhood, your community, etc; which you obviously haven't. Those people and that place and time were far more than just mormons.

Cheers,

Human

Thank you for sharing such wonderful and poignant memories and experiences. One day I hope we can meet in person. Hugs. Dave

Understandable that you feel nostalgia and a touch of regret.

Beautiful description of your childhood and the LDS community of your time. The church has changed significantly from the one I knew when I grew up--even though the 15 has some of the same General Authorities. The rhetoric has changed, the lack of Mormon origin testimonies are almost non-existent. The dogma draws a line between the members and everyone else. And the TBMs in my family treat the resigned members differently--not as the loved family members they once were.

My DH and I were cleaning the garage last Spring when the mailman delivered an envelope from headquarters with the acknowledgement that we were no longer considered members. It seemed anti-climatic to us with a weak "yahoo" and back to the task at hand. It was weirdly non-eventful.

Unfortunately the mormon faith is so wrapped up in peoples lives that it's hard to separate normal feelings of community and friendship from the "religion".

I kind of felt that way too when I left. Look again at all of the the things you described. Was it the "religion" or community and relationships? People honestly caring for each other?

From my perspective it was the community. I've seen it in many other area's with all sorts of backgrounds. It's what all humans seek. It's why we are sharing ideas, comfort, humor, sadness, and joy over the internet today. The community isn't the neighbors in the immediate geography but a collection from around the world.

I've been out and avoided paying attention Mormon church for over 15 years now. It's been a bit of a shock to see what nastiness they have been up too since I left. They have gotten more radical, less accepting, more greedy, and more destructive. The internet has stopped them from being able to quickly put on a positive face. The lies and misinformation are easy to find and validate a more honest interpretation. It's become a deadly viper backed into a corner snapping at everything it can. It is producing many casualties as it struggles to survive and be relevant.

What you described was basically every small farm town in North Dakota. People would show up with pickups and combines and gallons of sun rea and card tables to put it on, and gigantic sugar cookies with enough red dye in the icing to stun an ox. They would in a long August afternoon harvest 2,000 acres of wheat for a farmer they didn't even much like, because he had had a heart attack, and the harvest needed to be done, and the family and farm would not survive if it wasn't.

The people you grew up around were like that not because they were Mormon but because it was a tight knit farm community. Don't confuse Mormonism with basic human decency

You are intelligent, deep and intriguing my Dear Blue!

As a lurker of skill and dedication it's been easy to find AnnaGrammy, Cabby and others entertaining and inspiring! You are in a small group of my personal favorites, more so because you feel a tug that pulls at me:

That even though I left explosively and in the ugliest way 30 years ago, I still love some members, a part of me wishes it were true, that beautiful lie that we were special, set apart and better than everyone. Sometimes the good ones still impress me.

I'm glad you're out, it's good to live in reality, and more and more I laugh at the dream turned nightmare. Forgiving people who tortured me "in love."

Thank you. That means a lot.

I agree with many of the posters here.

You described a community that just happened to be mormon.

I was raised in a simular setting in northern utah.

That community spirit is now long gone since the farms became housing developments.

From time to time you'll see a thread about the good old days.

It took me years to realize that though the church was a part of the community, it wasn't THE community.

Best wishes to you in your new found freedom.

It felt like a walk back in time reading your post.

The LDS church I remember of my youth doesn't feel much if at all like the one it's become today either.

It's lost its center, its vision, and its heart. The people are "yes" men like the minute men brigade, who take their marching orders as they go.

As the world has become more progressive, the church has become regressive.

I honestly don't see how it can sustain itself as it becomes increasingly marginalized in the world in which it lives.

It seems irrelevant by today's standards, both as a religion and a force majeure.

I feel like it's a much different Church than the one of my childhood as well.

Totally understand the loss you feel

When my parents divorce was final, my mother said she felt no sense of elation or celebration. She was profoundly sad. She knew it was the right thing to do, to get the divorce, but it was painful.

Why? Because it was a loss. The loss of a dream, a belief, a hope she once had years ago.

The fantasy didnt live up to the reality, and her dream was shattered.
That is loss. That is grief and that is sad.
You dont have to feel happy, joyful or a reason to celebrate. You are experiencing a loss at a varity of different levels.
That is completely ok and normal.

It's much like having to have a leg amputated to save your life, but you'd just as soon keep it too!

I can understand why your feelings would be mixed about it. I don't think that there is any one "right" way to feel about resigning. It does represent a loss in some respects even if you realize that the church and you are no longer a good fit.

blueorchid Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> So I still will join you all in a toast and a
> "yahoo!" but it feels like I'm always on the wrong
> page and wondering if anyone else ever felt this.
> Passages bring reflections of the past I guess. I
> still like the future as it is laid out now.

I feel leaving was unavoidable.

The ghosts of Mormonism past still haunt me, but oh, dying apostles where is thy sting? Nothing Mormons do now can break my heart like they did when I was a kid. When Mormonism provided a framework for attempting to kill my questioning soul. It tried to circumcise my mind. I had to grow a fore-brain to replace the foreordained lobotomy on my own.

I can watch it work its hate it calls love through my wife and children and break my heart little by little but I have hope it will work its way out of their hearts.

Mormonism can fool some of their people most of their people most of the time but they can't fool all of them all of the time.

But they fooled this kid way too long and in a fundamental way. Finding a way out was and still is very hard to do regardless of our membership status. And growing up there were good people who were good people regardless.

Fortunately one needn't resign from one's childhood.

It sounds like you are nostalgic about your family and small town memories, not so much the CULT.

You are not being disloyal to your family by not believing in the CULT. You still have your family. It sounds like your family (even your town) are not going to shun you.

Just enjoy yourself and don't dump your memories. Sounds like they are good ones.

Mormonism was your life and by resigning you are changing your life dramatically. You know many people will cry once they find out that you have resigned from the one true church. It will hurt many people close to you as they are worried about your salvation. You might even loose some friendships over it.
When I told my mom (she is very TBM) that dh and I are sending in our resignation letter she told the entire family about it. What followed was brutal and hurt me to the core. I got phone calls and e-mails how I got Satan in my head and how I believed every lie that was online. The mother daughter relationship I once had with my mom is totally different now since I have left the church. Funny story but true my mom plans on getting baptized for me should I pass before her (yes she has actually said that to me).

My feelings were similar to yours...maybe not bittersweet, even. Just sadness that something I once believed in with all my heart turned out not to be true.

A necessary, but somewhat somber step.

It sounds like you had a wonderful environment to grow up in, and there's no need to shun that or the people that were part of it.

"But part of me feels like I turned my back on the uncle who took me to get an owl out of a trap on full moon in the snow. I feel like I am turning my back on Aunt Clara and her famous coconut pie and the farmer who didn't press charges when I did something I shouldn't have and he let me work it off instead. (He had eight boys--he knew we were all idiots at that age.)"

I understand how you might feel that way. But maybe THEY would leave the church, too, if they saw what it has become, and the harm it does. Don't give the church credit for their goodness and humanity. They didn't learn how to trap owls or make pies, or even how to teach mischievous boys a lesson at church.

I resigned about 12 years ago. I also found that their confirmation letter was anti-climactic. The high point of my resignation was putting the resignation letter in the mailbox. After that, what THEY said about it didn't matter all that much to me.

Very beautifully said, BlueOrchid

As I said a couple of weeks ago, "It's sad that that's the way it is - but that's the way it is."

I went through a lot when I resigned. The Bishop, who I'd never even met, sat on it and did nothing. I had to turn into a real nag, which is not my nature.

Finally, I started sending a lot of e-mails, cc'ing the Stake President, the Executive Secretaries of both, until finally he'd had enough of me and put the paperwork through.

It took me about 5 months to finally get out. By the time I got my letter, I just felt emotionally exhausted and it was, "Finally!"

The Church even sent me the letter twice, which was kind of funny. So I was out with double-strength. LOL

I was the same as you. I knew it was a fraud and needed to get out but I was still a little sad to see the letter. Mormonism was my upbringing. I was cherished and defended it for years. I loved the fairy tale aspect of it. I was like realizing Santa wasn't real and accepting the new reality.

The very fact that you can identify and articulate your emotions means you are light years beyond many Mormons. It was a major factor in your development, and some people were great and helpful. Keep the positive and release the negative.

Your leaving Mormonism theme song may change week by week, and that's normal. You survived. Be proud you lived to tell the tale. Best wishes.

You're not turning your back on anyone, just a false set of beliefs. Love goes beyond that. Many hugs to you.

Dear Blueorchid, your account is one of the most perceptive and clearly honest I have ever read. Your experiences in a TBM community are typical of many non TBM but faithful to God Christians. The tension arises when the underpinnings of the immediate culture crumble as it has all over America. It is hard to explain (partly because the vocabulary has been revised) how secure and pleasant neighborhoods used to be.
For the most part great trust was placed in our parents and those leaders they appointed; teachers, law enforcers, politicians, clergy; and it seems in recent times many of those authorities have betrayed their charter.

Nothing is new under the Sun, such betrayals have always taken place but certainly this treason becomes more inarguable with passing events.

What remains is truth; what in fact is irreducible, what 'must be' in place of every thing else or else nothing makes sense at all.

This is not the time or place to argue the specifics of TBM ideology or even the tenants of commonly understood Christianity. However it is a great time to examine basic presuppositions:

1) What is the origin of creation?
2) If God is the first cause who is he?
3) How do we know what we know?
4) What is to become of us?

I can answer all these questions from the Holy Bible however the challenge is to ask these questions in the first place without assuming any answers.

Culture can be cruel, today it must seem so. In the past culture was quite reinforcing and comfortable and we placed our trust in it (assuming God controlled every movement). Eternal challenges never direct us towards culture.

When culture is greatly benefitted by faith in God most people trust in God. When culture perverts itself many people assume they have been abandoned by God.

God is much more constant than culture, ceremony, ideology, politics, et al. In spite of any peculiar religious movements God is over 'ALL" or he is over "NOTHING'. If nothing, we may as well disseminate (so what?) If something, we have serious business to accomplish.

the church I grew up with is unrecognizable to me now. My grandparents also got temple recommends and they drank coffee. My grandfather chewed tobacco. My other grandparents couldn't afford to pay tithing, but still got TRs per my mother. I don't remember people going to the temple all that often back then though.

I remember the bazaars more than anything or the Halloween parties where they had cake walks and what were those things--where you fished for a toy? Santa Claus coming to primary and giving kids sacks of peanuts and candy. We won a Shetland pony at a ward bazaar that we named Mr. Ed. We were one of the few families in the ward that had a farm and he wandered around our farm for years and bucked off many of the cousins.

But as I grew older, I started seeing the ugly underbelly of the lds church. My mother wasn't very social. She wasn't included in the cliques, yet one of the worst (our neighbor) talks endlessly of what a wonderful woman she was, but this woman always left my mother out of the clique. I saw my mother suffer. I found out about my grandfather getting released from being SS president because he chewed tobacco from WWI. No better man ever walked the face of the earth than my grandfather, Romeo. My grandmother was released from playing the organ after 25 years without so much as telling her she was being released. And as I grew older it went on and on and on.

My best friend from elementary school, whose mother and father weren't active, committed suicide 2-1/2 years ago and it has given me a reason to reflect on how she treated me and how her family treated compared to any mormon family I've ever known. I went to see her mother last Christmas and she grabbed me and hugged me and said she would have known me anywhere.

I did feel relief. I was one of those who felt relief. I'd like to think those people no longer have power over me, but they reached out of my past a few weeks ago and told me my children are less than and ripped my heart out once again.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 06:04AM by cl2.

"I remember the bazaars more than anything or the Halloween parties where they had cake walks and what were those things--where you fished for a toy? Santa Claus coming to primary and giving kids sacks of peanuts and candy."

Yes. The bazaars. Fishing for the toys pinned to the end of the line with a safety pin with someone looking out the curtain to see what you might like. We had a church rodeo and the younger ones rode bucking sheep.

I always feel a strong connection to you cl2. Grew up just a couple small counties away from you and have almost everything in common I think. You will see if you ever read that "book" you bought. So glad you are here.

Although I had been inactive and had no contact with the church for 35 years when I resigned last year I was really surprised at how absolutely devastated and bereft I felt when I got my confirmation that I was out. This feeling lasted a few weeks even though I knew that the church was not true and I have been horrified to learn so much from this forum. I even started to ask myself if I had done the right thing by resigning.

I suppose like so many other people here growing up in the church is associated with happy memories of childhood and family and friends who are no longer alive or I have lost contact with. Church was more enjoyable then, fun did not seem to be a dirty word, and it was not as restrictive as it is now (men in white shirts, only one lot of earrings, etc).

The feelings of bereavement have not lasted, thankfully the brethren have made sure of that with their latest pronouncements, but I think there will also always be a certain amount of nostalgia for the passing of happy times.

You mostly just had the good luck of growing up in a Lake Wobegone type of environment where people would chip in and help their neighbors, regardless of their religious background.

Thank you all so much. Your responses have made me so happy.

I have always felt that being understood is one of life's greatest gifts and you all have given that to me in spades in this thread.

I have started to feel that my reaction to the letter was just the last few gasps of a dying behemoth. I am, in fact so happy to be resigned and let the last wound be healed.

And, as beautiful as some of the people were in my past, no one can hold a candle to the people on this forum. Open minds and open hearts--you can't beat that combination.