My family does a name draw for who they are responsible to purchase a gift and exchange Christmas gifts for. They then set a monetary limit on how much you are required to spend on who you were assigned. I have always felt that this created superficial and thoughtless gift giving. Only giving gifts to get one. I also feel it breeds greed and a sense of entitlement, things I am very adamantly against.
My wife and I are unable to spend huge amounts of money on people because of our financial situation. The people that we were assigned know this and started complaining about needing a redraw. They also started spreading an idea that the drawing should be for individuals instead of couples, except for me and my wife because of our financial ability.
I have come to the decision that I am to be excluded from this drawing. I want no part of this selfish and self serving activity. I posted this for two reasons.

Reason one being I wanted to ask if any of your family does this? Is it common to just mormons? Is it only common to this family?

Reason two, Can I get some help in the wording of my withdrawal from this year and possibly every year after? I don't want to directly call anyone out but I do want to state that the way they are acting is childish.

Because of the economy and our family's hope to put aside commercialism within our household, we'd like to withdraw from the holiday gift exchange.

Hopefully, we can find other meaningful expressions of love and support for everyone.

We each want to wish everyone of you a joyful and meaningful holiday season and New Year.

Our warmest good wishes.

Love, The Scaredhusband Family

+1

Last Christmas we didn't do gifts--it was so enjoyable that we wanted to do it again but we gave the option of everyone doing their own thing with the gifts so not sure how it will turn out. We have a one year old granddaughter and although she doesn't need anything, there will be presents for her under the tree.

A few years ago (actually the year before I outed myself as an apostate), I gracefully cancelled gifts between my siblings and me. They were so happy that they stopped giving with each other too. My two sisters both have large families with many grandkids so they were happy to pare down with siblings. Now that I am an apostate that they rarely communicate with, it worked out even better.

Oh my goodness, I could have written this post. When it comes to Christmas, I am a combination of Scrooge and Grinch. I hate organized Christmas gift giving for the exact reasons you stated.

For a couple of decades I endured this system of drawing names and having a preset spending amount. All it EVER amounted to was a roomful of people with unfulfilled expectations and feeling gipped that their efforts at finding the perfect gift for someone else wasn't equally compensated by what they received. It was so obvious that everyone would have been happier taking the preset amount of money and buying themselves exactly what they wanted.

I finally convinced my wife that the whole concept was not at all fun and created too much tension. As I recall, we just matter-of-factly said that we didn't want to participate in the extended family gift exchange, and within a year or two the whole practice fizzled out. Apparently, we weren't alone. Whew.

I have no idea if it is more common among Mormons, or not.

I'm so sorry your family is this way. They all sound like greedy greedersons. Especially because they want to switch from "family" gifts to individual ones.

About 15 years ago my siblings and I decided that buying gifts for each other in an exchanges was kinda silly because we are adults now and we all have different financial situations from year to year. We still wanted to do something as a family and have something to do on Christmas eve. So instead we all contribute to a fund each year to help someone else out. Everyone contributes what they can. We take turns deciding what to do with annual gift. The sibling in charge writes up what they did and sends everyone a letter. We open those on Christmas eve instead of gifts. There are eight siblings, so we can end up doing quite a bit. We all love it.

My siblings are all TBM and they all embraced this idea (I came up with the idea when I was TBM, but I'm apostate now). So I don't think you can say this is a mormon thing. Lots of families have contentious gift exchanges and I just don't understand it. Do adults really need gifts that badly?

So you might suggest something like this to your family. However, I have a feeling they won't go for it.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I really like the letter above.

I think I just felt my Grinch heart grow three sizes, Wendolene. Sounds like a great idea.

I come from a large family (non-Mormon) spread across the country. We have a system where there is a rotating schedule of each sibling buying for one other sibling. We have an informal dollar limit on the value of the gift. The idea was to avoid having to buy a lot of smaller gifts that might end up being kind of meaningless to something more substantial, but needing to shop only for a single sibling per year (spouses are included, so two gifts needed per couple to shop per year).

It seems to work for us. If you ask for a list you can get something for the sibling that they really want, or a gift card toward something even bigger their saving for, and in the process get to know where they are at with hobbies and such, We are fortunate we are all working and making a decent living so this doesn't tax anyone's ability to spend; like many people the savings to time and hassle is just as important.

I think that you summed it up quite nicely in your post. Mormonism teaches that you can't have a relationship unless everyone agrees about everything. Shock them all by stating that the selfishness, pettiness, and ridiculous of this is inappropriate.

My wife's catholic family is very close. Everyone buys small gifts for everyone else.

In my family my sisters set up rotating schedule so that you only buy gifts for one siblings family every year. I hate it personally but my wife likes to buy gifts. It makes here happy.

Given the large family in poverty mormon tradition, all of my siblings with kids love it when my wife gets them. It's usually one of their best holidays.

Or you could take the allotted spending amount and make a donation to a charity of your choice in the recipient's name.

That would be participating but not really.

In my family, we never exchanged among the extended family, mostly because my stepmonster had five kids and my dad had two and most of those had spouses and children, so there was a lot of buying. We probably SHOULD have done a name draw type thing. I was lucky to get one gift at all. (Which I thought was shitty when I was still a child -- all my siblings were adults so I was expected to have the same sort of adult notions about Christmas and gifts as they were. I was forbidden from making lists because that was selfish and entitled and I was told I was a spoiled rotten little brat for making a Christmas list when I was 11.)

When my dad retired, he asked if it was okay with me if we just called each other and didn't exchange gifts. Their gifts were usually garage sale crap, so I was totally fine with that (and sick of sending them overpriced oranges from Florida).

Here's an idea: At the point of the name drawing, suggest to everyone who is there that "Why don't we ALL dispense with the gift-giving -- except for the children -- and all the adults work together on a charity/community service project?" And then organize a crew to go spend a day with Habitat for Humanity or help feed people at the Homeless Shelter, or maybe adopt a needy family for Christmas and take them a tree and gifts. One year, my team at work made Christmas wreaths and decorated teddy bears and took it all over to the Children's Home for the kids there. Suggest trying to step outside of our own selfishness and actually LIVE the spirit of Christmas, which is that of giving.

What "Cheryl" said.

To seal it in their minds add "It's what Jesus would do." at the end.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2015 01:44PM by AmIDarkNow?.

We have an 18 and under rule. Meaning only people 18 and under receive gifts. The adults spend the day together and watch the kids. Works fine for us.

Now that our children are adults - and that we no longer believe in celebrating "Christmas" - we have adapted 'gifts of service' into our holiday celebrations. We are in the process of redefining our 'cultural heritage' for the next generation. We do put a lot of emphasis on Birthdays, celebrating the joy each individual has brought into our lives and the deep love we hold for them.

Yes, even some nonMormon families draw names. I don't think there's anything wrong with opting out. Just let everyone know ahead of time.

About 4 years ago, my husband and I decided we didn't like doing the gift exchange with the adults in our family. We announced this to everyone by Thanksgiving that we would no longer participate. Everyone, and I mean everyone, heaved a sigh of relief. No one else liked doing it, but felt obligated. No one bothered to bring it up, probably feeling like they would offend someone, but it works. We don't do charity together either as I feel it is a personal choice and can be done any time of the year. We share a meal together and enjoy each other's company. Christmas feels more real and relaxed this way.

We even started a tradition of getting together a few weeks before Christmas so then we all spend Christmas day quietly with our own families and don't spend half the day just travelling. Christmas is now a joy instead of dreaded.

The BEST, most hilarious, joyful Christmas gift exchange I every participated in with extended family was a Dollar Store Chinese Christmas.

All gifts had to come from the 99-cent store. The "drawing" was for numbers, the order of when you drew from the pile.

When it was your turn, you had the option of opening a new present, or stealing a present from someone who had already opened. The kids were included, and it was so much fun.

If a kid opened something like discount shaving cream, an adult promptly stole it so the kids could open something new. The good-natured ribbing and spite-stealing of coffee mugs and such was fantastic.

People were crying... but it was because they were laughing so hard.

Maybe to get out of the gift exchange you can just send an email stating that you would like to simplify the holiday.

My husband's TBM family participates in a gift exchange every Christmas where names are drawn. Couples draw the names of another couple and each child in a family draws the name of a cousin.

I wish they would do away with this tradition. It makes my holiday more stressful because I end up doing all the shopping and wrapping. There is absolutely NOTHING that any of the children or couples actually need and it's just become an exchange of gift cards...I'll buy you a gift card for X amount and you return the favor by buying me a gift card for X amount.

I've suggested multiple times to end the gift exchange or use the money we would spend to help someone in need. At the very least, I would like to change the rules so that gift cards are off the table and the giver actually makes an effort to personalize the gift. But I always get shot down.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2015 10:43PM by want2bx.

Cheryl has written the perfect response letter.

My DHs family does this (they used to do it anyway). For some reason it fizzled out. They are Catholic. I think it might be a big family thing rather than a Mo thing. My DH has 10 siblings and it is impossible to give gifts to all 10 so they started doing a name draw. But they somewhat did it as a funny thing and nobody was supposed to spend more than $10 on the gift. Many spent less. This was 15 years ago when $10 went further than it does now.

Nobody ever asked to have a re-draw because they wanted someone else to buy their gift. That is just plain rude.
I think what Cheryl said is great. Your family has a few rude members.

It's really a big family thing and not just a Mormon thing, as the drawing of names was done at Thanksgiving in my dad's Catholic family. There were fewer grandchildren than my grandparents might have liked, because my dad and uncles quit going to church as soon as they moved out, and completely ignored the ban on birth control, going as far as to get snipped once they knew they were done having children. The uncles who didn't get married were gay, and one of them committed suicide because of the guilt for the way he was born.

My family does it too. We get a list e-mailed around July or August with who we are getting a Christmas gift for. I am not really a fan of it but we have been doing it like that since about 9 years or so. Only 1 person has optioned out of this tradition and to my knowledge everybody has accepted that he and his wife have chosen not to be included anymore. I have mixed feelings about it. I do enjoy buying the gift but I wonder if they actually like the gift as they would never admit if they would not like the gift. More often the gift we got on Christmas was something church related (Ensign, Liahona, scriptures, a picture of Jesus..).
We have resigned over 2 years ago and still we are getting "church material" for Christmas. We are not better they either get a Disney movie dvd from us or a board game. Probably they feel the same way about it like we do lol.

People don't like you any more or any less based on whether you give them a gift or not. It's silly to be financially stretched because of Christmas gift giving.

Funny how Christmas can be so stressful, awkward, and even miserable. And how people can make decisions to benefit themselves at the expense of others.

When I was a young adult, and still in college, my family decided that we should only buy gifts for children. I had none at the time, but had a dozen nieces and nephews. To make matters worse, since we were "saving" money, they generously set the limit per kid at $50. So, I was expected to shell out $600 that I couldn't afford at the time, and to get nothing! Fast forward fifteen years, when I have two kids and theirs are grown, they don't want to buy gifts for kids, but one per family. So now I/we get one...woohoo...but the limit is ten dollars. Sigh...

Wow. Thanks for this post. Our extended family exchanges gifts on a rotating schedule. I've always gone along with it, but it really is a hassle, and I don't think it really means anything to anyone, because we aren't close enough to really buy personal gifts for everyone in the family.

Now, most of the nieces and nephews are grown up and starting to have kids of their own. How will THEY fit into this picture? I think everyone would be relieved if we just stopped.

I don't think it s necessarily a Mormon thing. We tryed it in our large family for a few years but didn't stick with it.
At work, ( I work as Director of a large Department for a Roman Catholic Diocese) it was somewhat of a tradition at the Christmas Party for employees to exchange a gift with a value of 10-15 dollars and their would be a gift exchange among the employees.
It always seemed so lame to me as some took it very seriously and other re-gifted something meaningless just pulled together at the last second.
One year I offered to host the Christmas party at my home as I am pretty sure most were tired of the basic restaurant buffet-type dinner, but on the condition that we change the gift exchange program. Usually up to 75 employees connected to the Diocesan Bishop's office turned up and it seemed to me that if we asked everyone to spend the money instead on a child's gift of that value. Target and Walmart , Kmart, etc, had great economical toy aisles and I asked simply that the gift be wrapped and note of age appropriate/ age /boy or girl if pertinent come with it. These gifts would be collected on a table by the door in our entry hall and after the party were turned over to Catholic Charities social services for poor families on their rosters who needed gifts for their children.
Initially there was grumbling among some of the old time employees , but when the gifts were boxed up we found there was well over 100, all wrapped beautifully and many beyond the modest purchase range that was set.
I know that was a positive change from the past when we might be "gifted" with yet another coffee mug or date-planner, and perhaps there were some children who had a little bit happier christmas. I hope they have continued the tradition since I retired. If any of you are familiar with Catholic Charities ( Every Diocese has an office and staff), no one's religion is requirement to receiving aid, in fact in our Diocese it was never even a question to those seeking help.

Too late for this year

Dear Family,

I was pretty hurt by the discussion of excluding us because we have lees money than the rest of you. I've appreciated the thoughtfulness of those who have sent me things over the years, but I think most of have enough things. Why don't we quit doing the exchange in favor of getting together as a family for a service project, or one day that the community christmas charity drives need volunteers so we can make memories that will be more in keeping with the season.

I've done similar at workplaces, but the monetary amount was always set extremely low. It's supposed to save money, and nobody expected much with such a small amount, so I found it fun to find the perfect cheapie item. I know of other families that do the drawing thing, and they are mon-mo.

Thank you for your responses. I sent an email saying the following.

I hope that it doesn't bother anyone that I borrowed very heavily from your suggestions.(plagiarized) Cheryl and the others that I can't recall from memory.

[family member],
It has come to my attention that our names were drawn by you for the Christmas gift exchange.
It is my hope to put aside commercialism this time of year, I would like to withdraw my name from the exchange. Feel free to spend your money on [wife] if you must buy a gift. If you insist that you would like to do something for me I would be more than happy to send you a list of my favorite charities to donate to.

Hopefully, we can continue to find other meaningful expressions of love and support for everyone. As I have found this the best way for me to live a Christ like life.

I want to wish you a joyful and meaningful holiday season and New Year.

My warmest best wishes.
[scaredhusband]

Again, thank you for your responses. I feel better about my decision to not participate knowing it isn't just my family.

We did this until a few years ago. It worked out, kind of, but it got to the point that some didn't do it, so the point was moot.

My reasoning for doing it, we did it as kids, since there are 7 of us, is that all of us are single. We have 2 kids in there, mine and my sisters. One big sis is mentally challenged and like a kid herself.

The thing is for me, is that I think everyone should have something under the tree. I was the only one married for a long time. So we counted as one. But all my brothers are single, 2 disabled, and never married. I guess I felt guilty. I know, my therapist says it isn't my job to make up for the fact that they didn't marry. They made their choices....

So, a few years ago we did away with it.. I still think it is sad, and I have not had the money to do something for everyone as I always had done before. My parents have been gone for a long time now, so I still struggle.

On the other hand, it is less stressful. The kids should get something, but even that doesn'thappen.

So, it can go either way I think. Now I'm single too.....

I recently learned that some of the presents we sent to siblings were thrown away unopened for fear of receiving antimormon materials. Who woulda thunk it possible to sink any lower!

That is worse than ungrateful. What a shame. The least they could have done was re-gift them. ha ha.

If your family gets together you can play the gift game. It is so much fun. You can be generous or greedy. Everyone is a winner.
You can make your own rules like no stealing after 3 times.
The first person to start gets to go again after the last person and they are the only one who gets to steal even after the 3rd time. Gifts can be anything or you can set a limit. The point is the family is together and having a good time.

On a related note, concerning getting a bunch of stuff you don't need or want...

My wife and I have decided that there will be no wrapped presents under the tree. Instead, we're gifting each other with experiences. My birthday was excellent with a trip to a small, inexpensive concert with a great meal.

It was so much better than another tie or sweater.

I'm thinking of gifting her a massage or an evening at one of those art places where you create you own masterpieces. She'll like that much more than a bottle of perfume or clothes or jewelry.

Maybe you just should do the presents on St.Nicholas Day, which is December 6th, or on St. Nicholas Eve.