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Posted by: verumosity ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:25PM

I've been inactive for about 3-4 months and actually just resigned my membership via email last night. (Woohoo!) But for those three months, and even now, I feel so flakey. I asked to be released from my calling, haven't answered phone calls/ voice mails from visiting teachers, RS president, bishop's secretary, and even made up an excuse as to why I couldn't help set up for a RS party (I was on the committee). I'm normally the type of person that will follow through on something, someone you can depend on. But I feel sort of rude for not answering people's phone calls and voice mails. But honestly I don't know how else to handle it. Isn't this a thing when people break up, instead of actually breaking up in person they just fall off the face of the earth (or so it would seem) So I have been "ghosting" the church but I don't know how else to do it. And it will be so akward to tell someone from the ward that I have actually resigned. I actually feel really good about resigning and my husband is supportive, it's just everything else about it I don't like... I'm so glad we're moving soon.

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Posted by: tawanda2011 ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:29PM

It is seldom an easy transition.The real world is a lot different then having everything dictated to you, having ready-made friends and basically answers (the church answers) all readily available.The move will be good. Good luck and at some point you'll look back and wonder how you ever stayed in such a cult.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:33PM

No need to feel flakey. You're dedicated and attentive to the task of leaving a cult.

I'm sure you're following through on expectations and work tasks in the important areas of your life like the job and whatever you've agreed to do in your non-mo circles. Would this be a good time to add another hobby or organization into your life, something more worthwhile than Mormon busywork?

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Posted by: dejavue ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:37PM

When you first start being true to yourself it can feel a bit awkward. Old habits sometimes die hard but living with integrity and choosing your own paths will bring a joy to your step and excitement to your life. Try rewarding your new found honesty and life when you quit worrying about what you think others may be thinking/saying about you with a bowl of ice cream. (or something else you enjoy). Remember...what others think/say about you is NONE of your business... (Often Easier said than done - initially)

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Posted by: AmIDarkNow? ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:39PM

"just resigned my membership"

Yeah Baby, Yeah!

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Posted by: contrarymary ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:42PM

I did the same thing. A few months after I stopped attending, I got calls one by one from every person I affiliated with in the assigned friendships. I ignored the messages and never returned their calls. It wasn't intentional at first, I just couldn't deal with them, and what would I say to their query as to where I'd gone? I was going through a tough time losing all the magical beliefs of a lifetime and facing the existential reality of my own death without a Celetial Kingdom safety net. Whatever. I realized that there wasn't one true friendship in the 25 years I attended the ward. No one I would miss. And I just didn't feel like explaining myself to any of them. So I stopped calling myself names and feeling useless guilt for once again not measuring up to the Lard and Wardies. I took care of myself and never looked back. I resigned last month too. What great closure that was! We're not moving. I'm in my house to stay and I just don't care what the neighbors think anymore.

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Posted by: verumosity ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:52PM

That's another thing that gets me. We've only been in this ward for about two years, no one seemed to care that we had a new baby, no one seemed to care that my daughter was in the hospital for two days while by husband was out of town, we've never had home teachers over, and I can count on one hand how many times I've had VT. We're generally quiet people that keep to ourselves, and I don't care that no one seemed to notice us, it's just that now that we're no longer coming they DO notice us, and NOW they are calling and NOW they start to care... And I just want my privacy.

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Posted by: seekyr ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 06:05PM

Ohhh, that's different. I was just about to say that at least they are CONTINUING to care. But now it sounds more like the ole' love-bombing.

Yeah, it's sooooo much easier when you move away. Not that you should have to do that.

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Posted by: verumosity ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 06:20PM

Well we're not moving because we are leaving the church, it just happens to be good timing! I can't wait to move away from utah, and chances are we will never live here again.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 06:21PM

Under the circumstances, I wouldn't feel badly about not responding to them. There is no one right way to sever your ties with the church. It's an individual matter.

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Posted by: rationalist01 ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:47PM

You have to realize that everything up til now has been artificial and fake. It takes a while to learn to rely on yourself and realize that you are your own captain. Sail your ship. Guide it well.

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Posted by: verumosity ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 05:56PM

I actually just made that realization last week. Nearly all of the social interactions in the church are ASSIGNED. And I have always known that a majority relationships people make in the church are mostly just superficial. I am so ready for an authentic life...

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Posted by: imaworkinonit ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 06:17PM

Why not start by giving yourself a new label? "Inactive" sounds so passive and lazy . . . even flakey. ;-) Perhaps by using Mormon terms for people who leave, you are perpetuating negative Mormon prejudices onto yourself.

You aren't inactive! You are pro-active! You are done.

You don't owe anyone, especially your love-bombers an explanation. You got released, you told them you weren't going to be there. It's really none of their business WHY. They aren't your friends.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/21/2015 06:17PM by imaworkinonit.

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Posted by: verumosity ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 06:23PM

Thanks everyone for all your input! I feel so much better about the situation after reading everyone's insight. You all are great!

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Posted by: nomonomo ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 06:25PM

You definitely don't owe anyone any explanations. And if you're moving soon, I wouldn't say anything to anyone. Don't give them any fuel for gossip, or rationalizing. Just vanish (from them).

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Posted by: the1v ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 07:32PM

You've resigned, so you are not inactive or less active (snort), you are an EXMORMON!

Your doing the correct thing. If you don't have any true friends in your ward then cut them all off. You didn't exist while you were there, now they don't exist now that you've left.

I hope you are enjoying the extra time to be with your family. The extra money to buy nice things for them and the freedom to be an adult.

If you don't mind me asking, where are you moving too?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/21/2015 07:33PM by the1v.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 09:45PM

You're going through a major upheaval in your life.

Expect some turbulence.

It does get better, with time. Mostly be patient with yourself, and gentle.

If that doesn't work, sit in a big bowl, and pour milk over yourself. Take a selfie, and call it "The Big Flake." (I hope you realize I'm only teasing, and not making fun of you.)

You'll be alright. Do your soul searching, and find what works for you after leaving the LDS culture.

This is a great support site to be on. I wish I'd known about it when I left the morg years ago. Better late than never. :)

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Posted by: crookedletter ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 09:58PM

I was a dedicated member. Once my eyes were opened, I quickly realized that I couldn't stay in church. First, I called in "sick" or "out of town" for a few Sundays. Then I just didn't bother. It was weird to just quit. Part of me was amused feeling like one of "those inactives." It felt good to stop giving away my time, especially because I ducked out before the primary program crap started. Lol

Good luck!

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Posted by: unbelievable2 ( )
Date: November 21, 2015 10:31PM

Congratulations. You have a lot of courage to put the past behind you. The three months of stress you felt may be likened to drug withdrawal when a patient is recovering from a long illness. It takes a while for the body to heal from that, and in your case, your spirit and mind were going through a state of detox. You are free now.

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Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: November 22, 2015 05:57AM

IF you want to avoid the butterflies over leaving THE (MORmON) church, then just go back to it, and stay in it until you are so sick of it that you want to die. Stay in it until your circumstances are so bitter and so toxic and so intolerable that you can no longer stand the thought of being alive if it means having to endure one more second in the MORmON church.
Wait until your family and personal life has been completely destroyed by THE family togetherness based on forged scripture and unmentionable secret handshakes and utter contempt for others MORmON cult religion. Stay in MORmONISM THAT long before you leave. Your mind set will be completely different. You will be staring at the phone daring it to ring so you can answer it to tell the MORmON on the other end how you relish the thought of seeing LDS Inc go completely bankrupt with in your time and having its leaders put in prison for fraud.

.....or you could just be grateful that you got out when you did.

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Posted by: AnonYo ( )
Date: November 22, 2015 06:29AM

You've been mind-f$%^ed in a cult. Expect your emotions to be weird for awhile. It's normal. That's what cults do to a person, i.e. condition your emotions to respond in certain circumstances and prompts. You're okay. You feel less flakey the longer you are away. Give yourself a chance.

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Posted by: exldsdudeinslc ( )
Date: November 22, 2015 10:54AM

You feel flakey because you've never put yourself first before in your entire life and you feel obligated to do whatever is expected of you, not what's best for you. It's not being flakey, it's being normal. :)

Congrats, that's a huge win. You should celebrate (with people who do actually care about you).

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Posted by: EXON46 ( )
Date: November 22, 2015 11:49AM

It will take time. Everyone is different. You are already a good person so just keep being that person. If you have needs to help others find someone and help them. You have a billion choices;)

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Posted by: snowball ( )
Date: November 23, 2015 02:51PM

In transition it was important for me to remember that these people had been running a con on me since I was a child. I had every right to be flakey, and even deceptive in interviews, while I figured out what to do about it.

It's not easy to untangle one's own mind from all this stuff, let alone the external parts of life tied to Mormonism.

But, as it seems you have discovered that time on the fence sucks. Congrats for resigning, and there's no need to feel guilty about not being decisive about things during that in between time. This is a big decision.

Besides, do you really want to go home teaching?

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Posted by: exmember5000 ( )
Date: November 23, 2015 02:57PM

One person had their car stolen from the Institute parking lot over night. Two weeks later she quit showing up.

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: November 23, 2015 04:02PM

she was offended that her car was stolen

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Posted by: axeldc ( )
Date: November 23, 2015 04:09PM

I quit going to church and then I moved about 6 month later. It made it so much easier. They no longer had my phone number or address, so they couldn't bug me.

It took them a few years to track me down again, but the new ward had no idea who I was. Other than random visits from missionaries, I hardly heard from the church again.

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