I hope it is okay to post here and i thought i might get some good feedback from people here who know the religion. I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. He is Mormon and i am not. From the time we first started dating him being Mormon never actually came up. The only reason we discussed it was because i had mentioned that i dated a Mormon before in a story i was telling him, and he replied "Oh i am actually Mormon." I knew the beliefs of Mormons but i didn't want to be closed minded as i really enjoyed his company, so i kept seeing him.

I noticed that he was apprehensive to have sex, although we have had sex, just not often. He is 31 and i am 27, and he has never been married. Also, i am agnostic so i thought this would be a huge deal breaker for him, but he said it didn't bother him. Lately, every time we have gotten in the mood he will go down on me and vice versa, but whenever it gets to the sex part he has been saying he doesn't want to and thinks we should wait. I got upset and said i just didn't understand as we have already done it, and now all of a sudden he wants to wait, but is still okay with us performing oral on one another. I don't want to force him but i have already felt unsatisfied with us barely doing it as it is, and maybe we shouldn't be together if we are so incompatible in this aspect of the relationship, because for me sex is a big part of a relationship.

After i told him this he said he wants to be together and thought we were doing well, but if it is making me unhappy he understands and doesn't want me to feel unfulfilled. I am having such a hard time with it too because every other aspect of our relationship is amazing and i don't actually want to break up at all, i am in love with him.

So i guess i wanted to ask advice here for people who know this religion well as i am confused. Don't most Mormons date other Mormons? He has never dated a Mormon girl in his life.

Train wreck waiting to happen. Sigh...

I promise you'll be flooded with responses. Good luck darlin'.

;o)

A vegan and a carnivore might have a better chance.

My view-- it all depends on how strong his beliefs are and if he is willing to be flexible. Usually, not.
The real problems usually arise when a Mormon man gets engaged to a non Mormon and the Mormon man's family takes over a very dominant role inserting their belief in an very invasive manner.
The next invasion comes from the Mormon man's dominate family when children are born into the family. That's a recipe for another explosion.

If, however, his Mormon roots are more accepting it might work. Generally, you get the whole family (often two or more generations) when getting married, and that is particularly true with strong believing, totally immersed Mormons.

Oh..and he is in deep doo doo for having sex. He is supposed to confess to his bishop and promise never to do it again until he is properly married, preferably in the temple to a "worthy" Mormon girl.

I would suggest, that if you want to continue this relationship, you become very familiar with his beliefs and find out if he is a strong believer. If he is, this will never work.

Totally agree w/ Susie...

Well, i think he is conflicted. He has never dated a Mormon girl, yet he has dated Christians. I am an agnostic which throws even more difficulty into the mix. I was also separated when we met. My ex and i had been separated a while before we started the divorce process due to financial issues.

When i met my current guy i told him all of this and figured he wouldn't want to date me while i was separated, but he said he didn't mind. This was something else that completely goes against his religion. I am now divorced though.

I also don't understand why he feels okay doing oral but not full blown sex. Isn't the idea that they refrain from all before marriage? I also heard it is pretty rare of a Mormon his age to not be married still. I think he probably is sticking to it due to being brought up in that household and just feeling it is the right thing to do (He actually told me if he wasn't brought up Mormon he may be agnostic himself). I think he is just confused. It is hard because i love him and i really wanted us to work out.

"After i told him this he said he wants to be together and thought we were doing well"

This says he is not listening to what you are saying. Ask him why you should wait.

This is something you and him should seriously talk about. His religion should most defiantly be talked about. How about his family. Are they TBM? Does he still believe in Tscc? IF you get married, what is his thoughts on kids? How about religion and the kids?

He seems terrified of pregnancy. I think this carries more weight than actually going against his beliefs. A girl he dated prior to me recently found out she was pregnant (not with his child), but he kept saying what if that had been him.

I asked him what his thoughts were on if he married a girl who wasn't Mormon and how he would want the kids brought up, and he said he hadn't really thought about that situation before. He seems on the fence about a lot of questions. I am not sure if he thinks girls will be put off. He has had a few girls tell him they couldn't date him when they found out he was Mormon.

Very rare for a mormon to be single when they're 31. Find out why. Also, find out why he's never dated a Mormon woman. That's a bit curious. There's no shortage of marriageable, dateable mormon women out there. Another thing you need to know is just how Mormon is he? How mormon is his family?

Over all, if I had to bet on this relationship working, i'd bet Not a chance.

He said he finds them boring. That was his answer as to why he hasn't dated one before. I haven't met the family yet so i couldn't say how they are. He said they wouldn't mind i am not Mormon but i'll believe that when i see it, and as far as age goes i am assuming maybe the issue is the lack of intimacy seems he is dating girls who aren't Mormon...I could be wrong though. His last girlfriend cheated on him.

He sounds like trouble, even if you were a Mormon. He doesn't know what he wants. He can't listen when you tell him what you want. His family will be another problem.

I don't know what he believes. I don't think he knows what he believes. He was raised in a cult (assuming BIC) and it will never really leave him. It's often ok for him to date a non-Mormon, but marrying one is a terrible idea.

Is all this drama (at the 3 month mark) working for you? It won't get better, but the issues may become different. Long term, how do you feel about Mormon kids?

Good luck, as it sounds like you need it.

Go to your toolbox & get a hammer. If you don't have one, borrow one. Start hitting your head with the hammer until you pass out. When you regain consciousness, start hitting your head again. Rinse & repeat. It will be more productive & less painful than what you're attempting now.

Mormons like your boyfriend are ticking time bombs. He is crazy about you so he is trying to reconcile his religion with his non-religious relationship with you. It isn't reconcilable and that is why he's all over the place with the sex.

The ticking time bomb part is that no matter how much it may seem resolved at some point--agreeing to disagree--in the future if there are children, this could very likely trigger him to become an uber Mormon and your tenuous relationship could become a trip to hell with your children being indoctrinated into the religion. There are other things that can trigger this as well, like family pressure and unexpected life experiences.

Learn about Mormonism. It is not mentally healthy. That is why you are already on this board asking those questions. They are the tip of the iceberg with a Mormon.

Your only chance is if you both figure out what Mormonism really is and he leaves it. He sounds like a Jack Mormon--one who believes but does not live it--right now. Those are the least likely to leave because they don't know enough about their own religion to see the religion for what it is.

That's my take anyway.

The only reason the Mormon thing ever came up was because i said i had a friend that dated one when i was telling a story. He then said "Oh, i am actually Mormon." Anything that has come up since then has just been me being considerately asking how church was if he has been on a Sunday and he just says "It was fine thanks." He doesn't tend to go to church much because he has a job where he works most Sundays. If he has a Sunday off though he will go.

The relationship isn't really drama. I enjoy his company and he treats me incredibly well and is really sweet and a good boyfriend, i just have some worries about our future, and when i bring them up he says why can't we just go with the flow and see what happens, and he tells me he wouldn't date someone he didn't see a future with, so if we were ever to get married we would deal with all the possible conflicts when we get there.

Tell him that you spoke to some fellow beautiful and handsome ex-mormons and they told you that your relationship would only work if he resigned from the church.

You'll learn a lot from his reaction.

Lol. I may not believe in what they believe but i am not going to make him feel pressured to leave. He has never once tried to push or convert me at all. In fact, we never talk about it. It is more me asking questions about it. I think he believes the book of Mormon, but clearly from his lifestyle choices he doesn't really live the lifestyle

It's very hard to guess what any other person is going to do today, much less in the future. So the only answers we can give you are based on averages and past experience with other people.

Your boyfriend may not fit into any of that. However, the things you describe all seem to fit a particular pattern. He is a Mormon, but he doesn't follow all of the rules. He often works on Sundays, but when he doesn't he attends the Mormon church. He has had full-on sex with you, but now is hesitant. He still does some forms of sexual things, but really wants to "wait" for sex. And he is a Mormon man who is 31 and has never been married. And has never had a Mormon girlfriend.

What this all sounds like, put together, is that he is a man who is struggling with himself. He is hesitant to make a commitment. He is sort of inactive, but also sort of active. There is a level of ambivalence there that should be a huge, flashing, warning sign to you.

I'm going to tell you what experience has taught me, and others in similar situations. This guy is not ready for a committed relationship. He wants to have the benefits of a relationship, but he wants to hold back --- and not just sexually, in the long run. And, sexually, you two are not really compatible.

You want sex, and it's important to you. He sort of wants sex, but really wants to avoid it as much as he can, would rather do less than before, and would rather just put that whole topic off for some undefined future. The thing is, outside of fantasy land, that sex doesn't generally become more intense over time. In general (there are some exceptions), sexual involvement dwindles over time. If you start out with a guy who is already on the less-and-less end of the arc, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration. And that is a problem that does not often resolve itself in a happy way.

He is a time bomb, as far as religion is concerned. You don't want to pressure him to leave the Mormon church. That's a nice sentiment, but the truth is that if he does not leave the Mormon church, there is very little chance that the Mormon church will leave you, or your relationship, or your children alone. What happens most frequently is that suddenly raising the children in the Mormon church becomes incredibly important. And not just from the Mormon spouse. His family will be all over both of you to raise the children as Mormons. They will feel perfectly justified to go behind your back to influence your children to be Mormons. They will undermine your authority and your position as a good person and a good parent. They will do that shamelessly, because they truly believe that only Mormons can be really good people and if you are not a Mormon, you are not worthy of respect. They may well teach your children that what you tell them is from Satan. Seriously.

This doesn't happen invariably, but it is stunningly common. Read more about the Mormon church on this site and others. Read everything you can on Richard Packham's site. Especially the page about raising children in the Mormon church. Read all of the threads here from people who are struggling to raise children in homes where one parent is a Mormon, and one is not.

You can keep your Mormon guy as a friend. But find someone who is actually far more compatible with you for a serious commitment.

You will be marrying the church. He was raised with "the truth". A saying inside the church is "raise up a child in the way he should go (meaning mormonism) and when he is old he will not part from it" Or some such.

The questions you need to ask is “What comes with this man?”

Family. Family is a crap shoot. If they are extensive and deep generational believers and he defers to them in marital matters then you are screwed. You will be wrong in major decisions and he will be right and he’ll be right with an army of family to back him up and remind you of it at every turn.

Money. Ten percent of gross. That does not include fast offerings, time and other donations that come up often. Do you think ones belief system should rob the finances of the couple? If so you are screwed.
Time. Every Sunday. Even on vacation. Attend or find a Mormon church so that the box for gods can be checked. Three hours on Sunday Not including travel time. God help personal time if he gets a calling.

You know what. Here is a good list to show you what’s involved. It’s not
OK to assume that he is not into the church “NOW”. Anything could trigger a full blown relapse into full participation and even half participation brings its own judgements of you as a non-mormon whose thinking is never quite right because you don’t know the “truth”.

Here is one ex-mormon man’s list of just eight reasons why mormonism is a bad deal. The list could be near endless.

“I don't think that the fact that some mormons are innocent, sincere and nice (I was, as were all of you) nor the fact that people inside mormonism consider themselves happy (I did, as did many of you) are compelling enough reasons to allow mormonism to go without as strong a challenge as the situation can constructively accept. In the case of my children, challenging and undermining mormonism at each and every possible opportunity is not optional.
Here's why:

1. Mormonism is not just another religion, it is a cult.

2. Membership in the cult is not passive, activity in COLDS will subject your children to continued programming and brainwashing -- its inevitable. Going along, sitting in meetings is a de-facto surrender. Your children will only learn each and every Sunday why you are irrelevant and why you should not be respected or listened to and why you are unworthy and why you know nothing compared to the wonderful leaders, etc.

3. Mormonism is not a healthy way to raise children. The best that can be said is that it MAY suck up alot of time and tend to reduce the opportunities for your kids to smoke or use drugs, but at a tremendous cost. Your kids will learn emotional manipulation, fear, a false epistemology, irrational guilt and judgment, a false sense of superiority, and compartmentalization. These psychological and emotional elements will continue to affect and infect their entire lives, relationships, world-views and thought-processes even if they eventually leave the church. We can all testify to the discovery of the damaging effects of mormonism's cult-think emerging in countless ways even after leaving. It is very difficult to shake off.

4. Meetings, events and so-called "service" in the mormon church has the sole purpose of getting people to attend more meetings and events. No good is done, no real service rendered. Service is only rendered to the cult itself. Institutional service in mormonism is only about promoting mormonism, keeping people busy, public relations, or manipulative agendas (such as lovebombing). People may feel good about what they do in the church, but anyone will tell you that service provided outside of mormonism is orders of magnitude more personally rewarding and more effective for the recipients.

5. For purposes of helping your family, I would argue that your resignation (if you haven't done this) sets the tone and announces that you are not just a sinner and angry and offended (like your family has been told over and over by the cult) and that you are not a closet-believer either, but that you are putting yourself out there and on the record with integrity. It is false. It is a cult. Resignation IS the proper and healthy response. (Would you want your kids to grow up waffling on an issue of this importance for 10 years, 20, 30?)

6. I would also argue (if you are in a confrontive situation with a spouse) that you have a critical duty also to demand to be able to raise your children in a way that honors and respects your parenting influence, values, belief systems and life philosophy. I agree with the idea, for example, that a spouse should be able to take the kids to church HALF the time (and you will go and be supportive if necessary) but that you are permitted to be able to take the kids to learn your values or church (and you would expect her to go along and support you). This is not about teaching them that mormonism is false, but teaching the positive values you believe: critical thinking, appreciation for nature, actual service in actual service organizations, etc. Turning up the contrast and widening the experience base of your children can often be coincidentally fatal to LDS membership, but it is clearly a demonstrably good thing in any case. You can be with your family, you can demonstrate your values, you can introduce positive experiences; its all good. You will show that the slander the cult will continue to say about you is as false as their doctrine. You cannot survive if your only defining attribute is your "anti" mormonism, nor will you thrive if you are constantly paralyzed from expressing your values and beliefs.

7. It is impossible to grant a "choice" to people in mormonism, especially children. It is a cult and there is no possibility of anyone inside mormonism developing a neutral basis to choose between two concepts. This is not possible. People who think children can grow up in a cult and then "choose" when they are older are deluded. The entire learned world-view in the cult denies critical inquiry, legitimizes magic, equates emotionality with evidence, and maximizes fear. All the rules of evidence, honest inquiry, integrity and due diligence are violated by the cult without apology or excuse. I don't think anyone has to apologize or give a pass to mormonism just because they were responsible for introducing it, nor should anyone fear the urgent and immediate protection of children. In the case of my children, I made them attend much of their lives whether they wanted to or not. I did this because I was misled by mormonism and because I believed that I was acting in their best interests and in recognition of the true state of reality and the universe. I was wrong. As soon as I was convinced of my wrongness, I repented. I told my children I was wrong and I showed them that the so-called truths I had borne testimony about were in fact false. To the younger ones whom I had told must go to church until they were eighteen whether they wanted to or not, I told them they were FORBIDDEN to go until they were eighteen. As a parent I had a duty to do the very best I could to lead them in the paths of truth. Mormonism was false and I would not be counted as one who would accommodate delusion where my children were concerned.

8. The cult would have you believe that somehow it is responsible for and contributing to the creation of morality, character, honesty, etc, etc. but in fact it hijacks these concepts to promote itself. Chief among the lies it tells are that if you leave the church you will lose all your morality, goodness, charity and honesty. However, leaving the church and taking the time to recover fully teaches people that they themselves always were responsible for their goodness and character and that the cult had nothing to do with it, other than add fear and guilt. Children are so much better off outside of the cult learning to recognize and internalize their own innate caring and respect.
Mormonism seriously screws with how people think, feel and relate -- and these effects persist long after leaving mormonism. Keep your kids away at all costs.”


I was a mormon when my youngest daughter was married inside a mormon Temple that I was not allowed to enter.

I will never, ever, ever forget that.

If you do not want these kinds of regrets, cut your losses now.

There are better choices out there. Be patient. Choose wisely.

I think you just need to understand what you might be walking into. It's possible your BF will leave the cult, but he may not. Are you prepared to be attached to someone in a cult? Let's say for a moment that he is exploring outside the cult (which he most certainly is if he's done anything beyond kiss you). He could decide to leave, he could go back to strict obedience, in which case you are not the kind of girl he'll want to marry. I've seen that scenario play out many times within the cult. Or he could stay a half-hearted member, and then you'd need to decide what level of his participation you can tolerate.

If you can live with the possibilities, then you probably need to have a serious sit down and talk about other expectations in the relationship, as any couple needs to do, religious or no.

I started dating again at age 40 after going through a terrible divorce from the woman I thought would be my eternal wife. I dated a couple of mormon women afterward, but I just couldn't bring myself to go through all that again. I began to change in a lot of ways when I decided to distance myself from the church. Then I started dating women outside the church, and found one that I really enjoyed being with. She liked me too. We talked about mormon stuff, but I was reluctant to really open up about it - I just didn't want to relive that part of my life.

Anyway, though I thought I'd had a fairly decent sex life with my ex, but it turned out that I was pretty screwed up in that regard because of all the church-shame and guilt. She was patient, didn't push, and we began to get closer. I worked out my sex anxieties slowly, and after some time we decided to get married. We're still in a loving relationship after 16 years.

I couldn't have hoped for a better friend. Maybe this guy's too screwed up from being in the church. Who knows? Or you could be the best thing that ever happened to him.

Be careful. Be honest. But be open to something that may be the best thing for both of you. It happens sometimes.

Be open to the best thing that could happen to us meaning if we do decide to stay together?

Yes.

31, eh? Has he served a mission? Does he wear the official underwear of the mormon?

Has he been married before?

Do you/he utilize any form of birth control on the occasion of intercourse?

Does he have friends? Are they Mormon?

What about the family? You need to meet them and soon.

These questions/observations aside, from what I have read thus far, you should get away from him. The sooner the better.

When my wife and I started dating I was still a Mormon but inactive and never for a minute considered she needed to join the church. I'm one of a handful of Mormons, ex or otherwise she has any use for.

RB

How do Mormon families tend to feel about someone who isn't? Are some open minded and okay with it or will they be unwelcoming to me?

No he has never served a mission, and i have never seen any official Mormon underwear. I didn't even know there was any lol. No he has never been engaged or married before. When we have sex we use condoms. He is pretty introverted, but the friends he has aren't Mormon. The family are all Mormon and are married to Mormons.

You could endure to the end, possibly. You won't be happy, however.

Go. Now. Cut your losses and find someone who is less likely to hurt you mentally and physically. This one is ripe and waiting for someone to control and dominate you.

There's plenty of men who would give plenty to have a partner who has a healthy sexual appetite.

Go find someone better...it won't be difficult.

Is he 'well endowed' (in the Temple, that is)?

Sorry,honey. Move on. Make it a learning experience

I think you're looking for reasons to stay when everyone here is giving you ample reasons to run.

Love will screw with you that way.

In fact, I've never personally seen a person in love who's asked these types of questions ever take the advice to cut and run.

Nevertheless, here goes: RUN!!!

It is hard due to love. Apart from the sexual issues we are perfect together. I couldn't possibly comment on the family as i haven't met them yet though. He wants to spend christmas day with me and my family. I am torn up about it because i do love him, and i am concerned if i leave i will think i have made a huge mistake and then it will be too late. I guess i was hoping he would change.

"because i do love him, and i am concerned if i leave i will think i have made a huge mistake and then it will be too late."

In every case when a person is in love they think this is a fact. In every case they are wrong. Why would you be the exception?

Over 7 billion and counting. Your chances of doing better are really, really good.

To paraphrase the movie BIG, "There's a thousand reasons to leave, and only one to stay". You just have to decide if he's worth it. I'm just thankful that my wife didn't cut and run, and I'm sure there were a lot of people telling her to.

Fossilman how did your family feel about you marrying a non mormon and leaving the church?

I may be from an unusual mormon family, but they both accepted my leaving and our marriage very well. They are very strong in the church, but somehow feel that my happiness is more important that being a mormon. They now love her very much and are disappointed when I visit without her.

It's obvious that my situation is unique.

They will HATE you. You will be blamed as the evil slut temptress that led their son astray. It's not a religion, it's a CULT. Get that through your head. You're not dealing with rational, reasonable people. Everyone is telling you to GET OUT. You keep finding reasons to stay. You're like one of those stupid kids in a chainsaw/killer horror movie that everyone in the theater is yelling at to leave. But they end up staying. And dying.

"It is hard due to love". Apparently he doesn't get hard...

On a serious note...many a woman have suffered miserable lives in the hopes that a man would change into what they want them to be. It just doesn't happen.

Go.

Now.

NOOO. RUNNNN!!!

This might explain his reluctance for full blown sex.

The "Law of Chastity" used to be explained as this: the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve shall not have intercourse unless it is with their lawful wedded spouse.

In certain areas of Mormondom, that meant oral was ok. Some years ago the church changed the wording to involve any type of intimate activity.

Not sure which way he was taught but it might help to understand him.

Good luck.

Oh and I was with a wonderful non mormon gal for 6 years before she passed on. I agree that in laws can be the make it or break it factor.