As a YBU student I had a close friend and roommate who I shared everything with. Even though she was TBM, she was liberal and open minded for a TBM. Or so I thought. During school she knew I no longer believed in TSCC and held my hand as I went through a deep depression over the repercussions of that and of an abusive ex I was forced to see regularly at school and church. She cheered me up and made me feel worthwhile and beautiful when antidepressants made me gain an insane amount of weight. But a few years ago, after I sent her a wedding invitation, she just stopped talking to me. She still talked to my family on facebook, but refused to acknowledge my existence.

Recently she told my mom why. She didn't tell me, she told my mom. Having a fat, depressed, apostate friend made her feel good about herself. Now that I am fit, professionally successful, and happily married, she can't stand it. She can't understand why God would bless a sinner like me with an awesome husband while she has always been obedient and is now *gasp* over 30 and still single.

Wow. I had no idea. How pathetic for her.

Wow! What a jealous bitch. You are much better off without her. Keep doing what you are doing.... and congrats on your success in life. You sound like a beautiful person no matter what your weight is or you job title. Continue to be a kind and loving person and don't let her get to you.

This^^^

I have found that living well is the very best revenge.

Live well (enjoy that fabulous cocktail/vino) and enjoy your life to the fullest. This, more than anything drives TBM's nuts.

It can be difficult to relentlessly cheer on others when you feel yawning deficits in your own life. Your friend is 30 and unmarried in a Mormon culture that is not kind to her for having that status. Her self esteem is low. Perhaps she will be able to reach out to you once again when she feels better about herself (marriage, kids, etc.)

I know I reached a point in my 30's when I withdrew for a period of time from some longtime friendships. It just felt like my friends were moving on with their lives and I wasn't. For one particular (prosperous) couple, I remember getting the second or third baby announcement at a time when I was poor and struggling to get my second career going. At that point I just felt done, as if they continually had their hands out to me for important life events, but were not giving much back. I was glad for them, but I needed some celebrating as well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2015 02:20AM by summer.

I'm still a fan of your thoughtful, insightful and kind posts.

me too!

Holy crap. That just taught me that sometimes it's best to be dumped by a friend. Who needs friends like that?

Maybe I'm better off without the TBM friend who walked away from our 30-year friendship, just because I'd left 'the' Church.

Bravo, you are an over comer. And now that you moved on from a phony church and your eyes are opened, you can see the world with greater light and knowledge as it was, is, and will be.

Therefore, that same enlightened process will happen with people you thought you knew were true, but find out, are not. Considering that she chooses to stay in that stuck place, is it any wonder that she has to hide herself from you, not tell you the truth about her jealousy and pride, but your mother? Considering that she is hiding her best self from herself, is she really ready to marry a man and pledge to love him, when she doesn't love herself or her friend?

Keep moving forward with your life and congratulations on your success.

I had a friend like that for over 30 years. She surrounded herself with people who weren't as high achieving as she is. When they started performing, she'd distance herself. She admitted to me she was a jealous person and hated to see her friends getting something she didn't have.

I dumped her a couple of years ago when I discovered from a third party that she'd had a baby and had kept it a secret from me. I might have forgiven her for that (she also kept her marriage a secret from another friend), but then I found out that the night before my wedding at the rehearsal, she behaved inappropriately toward my husband. She was my maid of honor and, while rehearsing the vows, she acted seductively and flirted with him. I didn't find out about it until years later. Her behavior was very hurtful and made me very angry. Had I known about it when it happened, I probably would have asked her to leave. I have found that I don't miss her at all.

Congratulations on dumping a toxic person. It feels good, doesn't it?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2015 04:25AM by knotheadusc.

As they say, "With friends like those, who needs enemies?"

While probably coveting your happiness and your karma rewards...

She has to deal with the fact that all of her promised blessings, which they preach from the pulpits and classes, will never come true. She pays her tithing, where's her wealth? She is chaste, obedient and prayerful, where is her Eternal Mate? She provides service and comfort to her fellow man (well at least other members), where's her fellowships and social life?

You were not being supported and befriended. You were being pitied. How self-aggrandizing to surround oneself with those you pity. You can feel superior as you fein love and concern. The truly loving are gratified and uplifted when they can help a friend move upward and onward. Your "not a friend" was surrounding herself with people that would make her pathetic life look not so bad. Her actions were actually very selfish and using.

I wonder if she told your mom, knowing that your mom would probably tell you. She wanted you to know that it wasn't your fault, but didn't have the courage to confess her feelings directly to you, and just used your mom as the intermediary.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2015 09:38AM by seekyr.

A different point of view:

She was there for you when you needed it. She needs you this time. A nice note telling her how much her support meant way back when could go a long way to helping someone who is hurting.

+1000

I like Blueorchid's take on this

I wondering if it might be worth a try to tell her to look outside the church for a husband? After all, if the church isn't working for her, maybe it's time to think outside the box.

That depends. Sometimes people who feel inferior and who are jealous of someone will react in anger if the person tries to comfort them. They'll yell, "You just want to look down on me. I don't need your pity!!!"

I think it is a self-esteem issue. I know someone who surrounds herself only with friends who have less education and less money. She is intimidated by men who are intelligent. For this reason she dates men who are generally losers and dump her because they cannot meet her real needs as a partner. She is in a downward spiral and cannot keep her friends because very often they move on to friends who really like them.

It's pretty difficult to see someone's problem when they don't see it themselves. How do you work on building someone's self-esteem when they either don't believe you as you try to build their confidence or push you away because your confidence makes them feel even more worthless?

I like blueorchid’s perspective. Let me offer a slightly different perspective from my life.

There was a guy from my mission that I was best friends with for 20 years. We were never missionary companions, but we worked together a lot, and when we got home out friendship continued to grow. His story is far too complicated to explain here, but very suddenly and unexpectedly, he cut off contact with most of his friends and started a very strained relationship with his family (which continues years later). At one point, a couple of members of his family asked him why he was no longer friends with me. He wrote them a very long letter where he said many horrible things about me. The letter did contain a few facts, but they were connected with all the intellectual integrity of a FAIR article. I was at first shocked, and then very angry with him. I was more than tempted to write a tit-for-tat letter to his mother and tell her some things I'm sure he didn’t want her to know, but I chose not to lower myself to that level.

These days, I’m no longer angry. I don’t miss the friendship, but I do recall it fondly. We had many great times together and countless amazing conversations. I have no interest in ever hearing from him again, but on balance, knowing him brought more good than bad into my life. I choose to remember our friendship that way.

Designated Ugly Fat Friend, there to make her feel better about herself.

I like blueorchid's suggestion as well, reaching out to her to see if anything from the friendship can be spared. If it turns out she's still toxic, you can walk away knowing you tried your best and she can wallow in her own cage of misery.

I've had a few friends that I've lost touch with and tried to revive the friendship when I joined FB. Many times it either turns out to be positive or neutral, but occasionally it's bitterly negative. This happened with one such former friend, who despite becoming a mother and making many positive changes in her life, was still stuck in a rut of anger, depression, and negativity. I'm still reminded of the time we met a bunch of Australian businessmen at a bar and one pulled me aside and asked, "Why are you hanging out with her? She's really going to bring you down."
You'll never know if you don't try, though.

Yeah, I'm with blueorchid. It's worth a shot to find out what you can do for her.

It's not really that living well is the best revenge, but it shows integrity, and genuine Christ-like living.

Well how sad for her. She can only be a "friend" to those

she feels superior to. This translates to she was never

and can never be a real friend unless she gets some professional

help with her issues. She's got a paper thin ego dependant on

the bad luck of others. No bueno. Thats not a true friend.

wish her well and get on with your life. Now you know.

The church lied to her about the blessings of faithfulness, so she blames you. Such a fine friend.

And, of course, being the type of person who would feel good having a "fat, depressed, apostate friend" to compare herself to has NOTHING to do with her being single.

I don't agree with the people who say you should reach out to her. No. She dropped you like a rock because <gasp> you were happy and moving forward in your life, and from what you said, it sounds like she didn't even have the grace to respond to your invitation politely, or apologize directly to you for her behavior. I think the ball is in her court if she wants to revive the friendship.

When you reach out to someone who is giving you the silent treatment, or sending messages through others, you are sending the wrong message: That this kind of treatment is acceptable to you.

Maybe she has issues she needs to work through. But you aren't her therapist.

Yeah... It's like she had judged you and found you worthy of the wages of sin, and even if ghawd wasn't going to pay you those wages, she would do so.

One thing about which I remain curious: It makes sense to me that she only told your mother because she felt she and your mother were 'in tune' regarding the gospel. But in any event, what did your mother opine to you about this friend after hearing that confession, and, if your mother mentioned it, how did she respond to the friend immediately after the 'confession'?

Yeah. Please tell me your mom put that bitch in her place.

I agree^^^
I've had "friends" and family like that. It is not worth your time or sanity to make it work. Move on and make real friends with emotionally healthy people.

She is being rewarded for being a false friend; she is still TBM and most likely will not ever find her shining RM to take her through the temple and beyond.

I say, bring on the book of spells with a curse of red blotches and bad breath.

(there is an app for that)