Ok my problem with the church is not the doctrine, because when I joined I decided I would believe parts and not believe parts. My problem is with the weird members. I am a convert of 3 years. I used to ADORE the church and all the members. My husband is not a member so it will be pretty easy to leave, I suppose.
My problem with the members is this: why the big social rush and then dropping me/us? Why do I have no friends? Now, I admit, I am very self critical and kind of not the most socially skilled. so at first I just said, well, it is because I am shy or socially awkward, but my daughter who is a social butterfly, SHE has NO friends in the church either. I even heard a mom tell me how her daughter was too busy to hang out with my daughter, but then make plans with another mom & her daughter.My son kinda has friends but it is not like people are inviting us over, like they did when we were new converts and I can only attribute this to one thing: judgemental members. They have sized us up as not "active enough". Maybe because my husband is not a member? In any case, why should I/we be made to feel inferior?
I have turned to friends with serious problems and I get pat answers. It is seriously like that film the Stepford wives! And they do NOT check in with me to see how I am, instead it's like I get less and less social invites or calls at all. This is not how Christians act, this is NOT how real friends act. It is how a fake cult member or professional would act. It's like I am just a number or not a real person to them. The relief society president is concerned and calling me.... until her term is up, then the next president it calling me, see. It is the role that cares, not the member. At first I thought I was imagining it, because I am so sensitive and critical but NO I am not. Even the kids are judgemental and clique-ish and exclusive. Thoughts? Advice?

You are not the only one this has happened to. There are loads of stories on this board from people who have found Mormon friendship to be very superficial.

I left the church because of the doctrine after 20 years of membership and I would struggle to count the real friends I have made in that time. Like you I was left out, my kids were left out of activities and social invites, but if they needed any service done I was one of the first people they called. I have no idea why I wasn't included but for years I wasted a lot of time investing effort with people, bending over backwards to be helpful and nice and I got nothing back.


When I stopped going, I got calls and invites, told that people cared about me and missed me but they didn't give me the time of day when I was there.

Like I said I left because I stopped believing in the church after finding out a lot of stuff about the Book of Abraham etc. But the having no real friends made it easy to walk out and not go back.

My advice would be don't waste anymore of your time with the church and the members. It's not going to get better. You have been judged and have been found 'unworthy' no amount of effort from you will change that.

I made some really good friends in my neighbourhood and among the school mums after I left. Being a Mormon was a doubled edged sword in that I didn't fit in with the church but I was too different to fit in with them either. As soon as I stopped going and took my head out of the sand, I found plenty of real people there for me.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids. (I'm not too surprised, but I'm really sorry.)

There are many, many churches/denominations you could belong to where you'd find true, lasting friendships.

If I were in your situation, I'd start looking around at what other churches have to offer.

You can find friendship in other ways, too - with neighbors, parents of your kids' friends or teammates in their activities.

Mormons feel compelled to "fellowship" and "love-bomb" investigators and new members. Mormons don't do it because they like these people or care about them. Their goal is to build their organization's membership and tithing base and to earn admiration from their fellow ward members.

This has nothing to do with you or your social skills or attitudes. It's all about the needs and the mindset of the Mormons.

They assume you should be grateful that they got you into the one true church and now you owe them your free labor and gratitude.

They never were sincerely interested in you or your family. They were manipulating you. Now they think they have you captive and being nice isn't required.

I think it's better to find friends in other ways by volunteering at your children's school or public library, by going to a less cultish church or joining a book discussion group or hiking group.

The Mormons weren't serious friends. From the beginning, they saw you as a possible part-member family and convert which is not considered part of their most elite circle of friends.

It might look like these people are nice to each other, but I'm sure there's mean gossip and backbiting among them that's hard to see until you live it. Be glad you haven't been sucked in deeper and your children aren't dating and getting engaged to these fake friends.

I met a lady over the weekend whose family converted when she was eight years old. She tried to be a perfect Mormon but they never fully accepted her because she wasn't from pioneer stock. When her boyfriend announced their engagement at a family dinner, his mother burst into tears and said he was giving up his chance to get into higher elite church circles saved for solidly born into the church members.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2015 07:50AM by Cheryl.

Cheryl is right, it has nothing to do with you or your social skills. Every single convert is made to feel loved at first, followed by being ignored after baptism, followed by being looked down on because you weren't born into God's one true church on the earth today.

Even if you made friends at church, I found that when such "friends" moved to a different ward they were no longer my friends. They were friendships of convenience, not true friendships. Nobody needs friends like that.

If you leave, you may or may not experience a second surge of love-bombings as they work to keep you in the fold. But once you seem to be securely back, things would go back to normal again.

It's all about the duty.

It occurs to me that Mormons don't make great friends because they're too darned busy with all those church activities - and the demands of large families they feel compelled to have - to bother with friendships.

I've worked with Mormons but never made a good friend, even though friendships with other people originated at work. Whenever I'd issue invitations, they were always too busy. Ditto for Mormon neighbors - friendly in manner but no time for friendship.

I don't see this as a character flaw; it's just built into the lifestyle they're expected to live.

Mormons are the least charitable of any religious organization I've ever experienced.

The friendships you desire aren't going to be found there.

You're better off taking your children to a local Methodist or Baptist, or Lutheran church where they'll get both involved and make friends - if you wish to maintain a Christian life.

The children will at least get to experience the true love of sharing Christ by people's actions, instead of being held at bay because of the cliques in the Mormon church.

And you too will find more women to bond with there, and to share with IMO. If that's what you're looking for in addition to church, is community.

You may as well - they've/ it's already left you, and your family.

Welcome here; thanks for your story;
I wish you the best in your way forward. You don't need tssc and it will never amount to anything.

Europa said it well, and I also second what Cheryl said as well as what ellenl and others have said about 'friends', and (built-in) business/ busyness.

Mormons are too busy for anything but patting themselves on the back... sad but true

etc.

Real friendship is way down the list of to-dos and is really just for family and a few life long friends.

Assigned friendship is the norm and is used for new converts, home teaching families and people you see in the hallway at church.

Thank you for your story, it's helped me realize I'm in the same boat and always have been. Been born in the church and never really had true friends in the church save for a very few when I was a kid.

What others have said is true though. When you can be a "project" everyone will seem to be your friend.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.


Keep in mind, though that any friends you would have made would be fake friends.

We've lived in the same house in the middle of the morridor for 19 years. We left the church two years ago and it's like we've disappeared off the face of the earth. The other day I was trying to think of anyone I could have to watch my front porch for packages while we are on vacation. I couldn't come up with a a single name. I'm just going to hope that nothing is delivered in the time we are gone.

You are much better off forming real friendships with real people outside of the church.

Would you love, adore, and continue to support the mormon church if the members were more friendly? If they were, would that mean the church was any more or less "true?"

This reminds me a bit of another thread, where the poster went to another protestant church and was so impressed by the professional-level music, the better-presented talks, and the refreshments. None of which has anything to do with the "beliefs" and doctrines, just the way in which they're sold to the members.

Mormonism used to be more "friendly," in my opinion. The organization's leaders doubling down on "obedience" and duty took a lot of the "fun" out of it, and helped make the place (and the people) more dour and less friendly. But even back when it was more fun and friendly, it was still a pile of lies. Just a more enjoyable pile of lies. And if it WERE actually "true" (it's not), people in it not being friendly wouldn't change that, either.

Your experience is all too common. Frankly, I'm personally kinda glad that your experience is happening more often -- it clearly shows the hypocrisy of the members with regard to 'converts.' Be friendly to get 'em in, then go on to the next one and ignore the ones you just converted. It's obvious it's a sales job, and not some kind of "truth." That was a bit less obvious (but no less true) when it was a more welcoming place.

It's hard to make truly deep friendships in the church. It's EASY to have a lot of "instant" friends when you move or join a new ward. Social events are arranged by the ward, and you naturally became friends when you work in callings with people, and there are the assigned friendships (visit teaching). But those friendships are shallow and conditional: they depend on staying active, on attending the same ward, on working together in callings. When any of those things change, people often switch friends, too.

Many of us on the board have said in the past that we feel socially stunted because we never really learned how to reach out socially because the church took care of it for us. We didn't have to put out the effort to get to know people, because it was dropped into our laps at church.

I didn't really think about the fact that those friendships, for many people, were just interchangeable acquaintances. Easy come, easy go. But that kind of hurt for me, at times. I couldn't understand when a group of friends ended up in a different ward after our ward was divided. And they stopped inviting my husband and I to their get-togethers. It was like we didn't exist anymore. One didn't ever return my call when I called to tell them we were moving out of state, and to say goodbye.

You got the bum's rush because they had to convert you and add to their numbers. Now you don't matter any more and they've moved on to the next person. It's sad, but it happens every time, to one degree or another. It was a hard lesson for me to learn too - I thought I was making a few friends, which was surprising because I'm introverted, but once they were released from their callings requiring them to contact and befriend me the "friendships" were over. Instantly.

So glad I'm out of the church and am making a few authentic friends. It feels so different there are no words for it.

thanks. what you said really means a lot to me. :)

You story is told OVER AND OVER again by converts. You were "love-bombed" in the beginning because they wanted to dunk you.

Once you were assimilated into the group they felt less need to have to love-bomb you. Once assimilated, you were just another cog in the machine serving the org. They might start love-bombing you again if you stop showing up at church.

You supplied their need to show off to each other about what great missionaries they are.

Now you fulfill their need to feel superior, since your husband is not a member. Only eternal families are in the club.

Find your social outlet/friends elsewhere-including the kids. This will spare you years of grief, trust us (born in the church to eternal families). They are hyper judgemental, in order to feel superior. It's like a drug to them.

Sorry you are feeling sad. Call it a learning experience and move on, to real happiness.

thanks for your comment. It will be hard but I feel leaving is the right thing to do for my family, too many red flags and weird experiences... thanks for your support :)

Thank you everyone for your caring comments and support. I am surprised by this response and feel even better about my decision to start cutting ties. I agree with everything you all said and have seen & felt it from the start but wanted to be part of the all-glorious Mormons... Yes they are clean cut families in a dirty scary world, but being so judgemental and clique-ish and fake proves to me they are NOT "the one true church"!

I would go ahead and resign, and then explain in your letter exactly why you are resigning. Send copies to the bishop, the stake president, and the RS president.

http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2015 06:05PM by summer.

you were an assignment. you joined and took the new member discussions and got a calling. assignment is over.

"They dip you and they drop you" was a comment I heard from a convert who also left.

Your experience is quite common,unfortunately.
Mormons target people for conversion and love-bomb them.Once you give them what they wanted, they will move on to the next victim.

It's a sad and manipulative pattern,very similar to the tactics used by seducers and other con artists.
Get away from these people.

The Mom of a friend of mine (referring to a different organization but it fits) once said "The treat you so well right up to the point you actually become a member. Then, you may as well be a potted plant".

That is what you are now, a potted plant, so make like a plant and leaf..............