What previous church jobs qualify them

I bet it's now coming down to not how they do the job, but how they look while they're doing the job.

And it doesn't hurt to have your family look good as they're being your family.

Start by being white, rich, and republican.

Have a butt load of kids, nice looking wife. all need Osmond style teeth.

Hopefully, LDS Inc becomes lax enough in their vetting of the new apostles that their home made sex tapes eventually surface on the interwebz.

I've never seen a silent pornog before. I hope there's a piano playing.

Levi Wrote:
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> I've never seen a silent pornog before. I hope
> there's a piano playing.


U R so weevil.

action model of TSM's a**hole. Whichever candidate can insert his tongue the farthest is selected.

They have to be approaching 90 years old and have Alzheimer's. The one closest to these qualifications wins!

They pull old Joe's peepstone out of the vault.
In a special meeting of the FP and what's left of the twelve in the SLC temple, they put the stone on an altar in a secret room in the temple. The current profit then prays mightily, asking Elohim to have the magic rock project the name of the next apostle on the ceiling for all to see.

After six hours of that, when nothing happens, they pick the first rich white guy related to one of them somebody can think of.

:)

Jesus appears to Monson in the upstairs Jesus sanctuary of the SLC temple, with a short list of names. He and Monson go over the short list of names and then together they pray to the father for help in deciding who the new witnesses will be. Holy McGhost serves as the go between, for Monson's sake, and lo, the deed is done!

Seriously, how else could it be done in the only True Church, with a living prophet?

You forgot about the cheerleaders.

Oh you're full of it. I don't think Holy McGhost and the H.F. even get invited to the meeting. I think Jeezus has all the authority.

He and all the special witnesses to his name gather in the upper room. They hand him the list that they have combined together from each of their choices--names, business background, lifetime tithing donations and family pictures. He takes his red pen, sits on the throne chair and the youngest aposthole gets to wash his feet while he's mulling over the names. Finally he circles his number one and number two choice. He announces the names and asks for a sustaining vote. The PS&Rs all raise their hand to the square. He says, "All who agree, say my name." In unison they all say "Jeezus. H. Christ!" Then he says, "You got it. That's my name, don't ferget it. You're the witnesses. See ya in a few months, I don't think Daddy will keep wiggly ears here around much longer." And he's gone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2015 03:29PM by NormaRae.

I thought Hinckley already explained it as a holy hunch.

It's like work-up baseball. Next!!!!

There are a few exceptions, but usually they've been Bishop, Stake President, Mission President, Area Authority and/or General Authority. Having a high-profile role at BYU helps a lot too.

I think poin0 has it basically right. Nowadays, it's generally people in the First Quorum of 70--preferably the presidency--, and presidents of BYU institutions (Holland, Eyring, Bednar, Oaks). The presiding bishopric is also also a way up (Hales).

And if you've combined service in any of those capacities so much the better.

In addition to all that it probably helps to have some good friends in the current rat pack.

Unconventional picks could turn out to have unconventional ideas, and rocking the boat like that is not what this group is about.

Good grief people - they have to be a third cousin to the other members of the quorum. Each family group gets a member in rotation so the power structure stays balanced. All the church jobs are for perks and to make you think anyone can be the prophet. Outsiders are only brought in when needed for political reasons and then seldom. Their families are not included unless they marry into the existing powers that be families. Also used to keep the bloodlines from becoming like the FLDS.

The old hat will be brought out of the vaults by ex-FBI armed guards to the monolith-like pile of rocks on Temple Square. It will then be passed from hand to hand by selected 70s and members of the flock of the 12, not unlike the Olympic torch. Up, up into the top room where Tommy will be sitting on a chair by a curtain. On the other side of the curtain will be either Uck!Dorf! or Earing, whoever won the slapfight earlier, with a pen and paper ready. Tommy will then cram his face into the hat and report any ‘entoptic’ phenomenon that resembles letters or words, or, heaven forbid, make up something on the spot. Later they will all gather around and read it with their spiritualy marred real eyes and argue until they agree that there is some sort of connection to someone on the roster. Tommy will then open the wndow and fart out of it loudly, so the crowds of the believers that have gathered will know one has been chosen. It will be announced at the next general conference. This is the way is was done before the restoration, and continued again today.

I thought they went and got old Joe's rock from the vault, shoved it up Monson's ass. Pulled it out and tried to decipher the shit clingons into the name of the next asspostle.

If they couldn't make words out of the shit, they'd have to repeat until they could.

Well, perhaps that explains the brown color of the stone...?

This was all covered in the Smoot hearings.

There is no revelation involved. The other apostles submit names and then they vote on them

That was the testimony given under oath by joe F smith